I talked to my sister very late last night, which was nice since I couldn’t sleep due to my youngest, the Little Bear (yes I think I will be calling him this in my posts from now on much in the same way I call myself the Toad), was still up and running around even after being given Clonidine. Only 0.5mg but since he calmed down I didn’t see the need to give him another one. It wasn’t prescribed for sleep, just for aggression. I was just hoping it would make him sleep. I suppose it just shows how cranked he was before I gave it to him. I didn’t get to go to bed until 6am this morning when my oldest son got up and said he could watch Little Bear.

Anyway, I haven’t spoken to her all month since she’s been away on vacation and caught her up on everything and shared my thoughts about that Autistic Spectrum Quotient Test that I talked about in my weekly assessment I posted yesterday. Once again I’m seeing a problem with how I’m doing that the way I did because that whole thing is a great big blob of words and a mess of feelings. Would have been much better if each day’s highlights had been posted separately and the overview just got posted with the assessment. Well I know better for next week. As I was saying about this test, my sister made a good point. Anyone with OCD, OCPD, or OCD like traits are also going to score high on this test because of overlapping in appearance of symptoms/behaviors and you would need a live human to differentiate between the two. The other thing she pointed out is that it doesn’t give you an actual score so you have nothing to work with or talk about if you were to take this to a professional. So have I over reacted in response to this test? Probably.

The other thing she pointed out was that I didn’t always have trouble with cognitive function while under stress. This is a new thing since Little Bear was born. Everyone seems to be in agreement that I have changed significantly since his birth. And it’s not about interests or goals changing. I’m no longer an extrovert. I can’t keep track of the days without an electronic calendar. Sometimes understanding what has been said or what has been read is a significant process. Doing thing that used to be simple now feel complicated. I really feel like something is wrong with my brain, like it isn’t working right. And I would like to know why. I feel like I have lost a piece of myself. Like I don’t really know who I am anymore.

My sister didn’t seem to be concerned. She is a logical thinker after all so I can’t fault her for that. But how is this normal? How is it okay for the brain to change this much? I have read up on postpartum psychosis and no where does it talk about what I’m going through for those after recovery. The material makes it sound like everyone is fine and peachy keen afterwards. Does this mean that I am not fully recovered from it? Or is this something else entirely different? I mean I know that I have been diagnosed with Chronic PTSD and I have been avoiding it – a lot. I don’t even do much research into it. I’ve only recently started talking about things and usually only when I’m angry. And this week as been really hard thanks to my husband and his bullshit. Maybe the missing piece has been right here all along.

So why do I suddenly feel like a little kid about to go down a scary basement?