So we go to the appointment and after all this time of bitching, complaining, pissing, moaning, and whining… he just sat there the entire time silent. He said not one word. Didn’t ask a single question. Zip. Zero. Nada. The same doctor that helped Little Bear out towards the end of the day program was the one that came in and he lingered for a bit extra yesterday. Not exactly sure why but I got the feeling it was so my husband could ask questions. Heck just before he left, he asked my husband directly if he had any questions. My husband said he was good. So what the heck was that?

I feel even more now that since the day Little Bear went to the day program and he started with this about how he wasn’t being told everything that this was just to stir up drama, contention, and doubt. Especially given how towards the end of the program and Little Bear was starting to get better and was being released, he was starting to make snide remarks against not just the program but the hospital as a whole. Yes the program was frustrating. No I don’t think it was a good fit. Now I’m wondering how much of a role he had in that. Prior to Little Bear going to the day program he was completely uninvolved in Little Bear’s mental health care. Once he was admitted though, suddenly he was right in the thick of it but couldn’t be part of the family meetings via telecom. He had to have a separate meeting with them each and every week. And it didn’t matter what the staff told me, he claimed they told him something different. Most of the time it was slight bullshit differences, but other times it would be glaring gaps of communication.

Like the public school not approving funding for Little Bear’s education while he was in their program. That did turn out to be true, but that isn’t how my husband told me. He waited until the end of the year and then told me they blocked his education…. Which they can’t legally do. Fortunately Little Bear is 6 years old so legally it’s a non issue all around. Just more bullshit. It just means I don’t know where he’s going to be placed in school this coming year. Because he doesn’t want Little Bear to be homeschooled even though I don’t think this public school here is the best thing for him. But I know that the very best thing is for Little Bear to stay with his brothers. Period. So I will do what I can to make public school work.

The doctor sounded excited to hear that an agency has already called me back about making an appointment for Little Bear’s neuropsych and said he wants to see the results. He agrees that it should include a screening for dyslexia based off the school’s complaints, despite what my husband’s explanations were. The reason for this is that the results will dispel the arguments. It means that everyone will know for sure. The doctor also agreed with my clean slate idea regarding everything else. Given my known family’s medical history and my husband’s unclear family medical history, this is the best way to make sure that Little Bear has the right treatment plan and it’s the best way to get him the IEP that everyone but the school knows he needs. These evaluations include a needs assessment screening as well. Schools in this state are hard pressed to deny those. Plus any out of school services that can fill those needs Little Bear will then be able to get as well. Right now we are just in a holding pattern.

So bolstered with the conversation with the doctor about what is best for Little Bear, I had a private conversation away from the entire family with my husband. I told him that I still wanted for us to go see a lawyer. He tried to tell me it was bad timing and went into this whole convoluted explanation of how he had to fix his ticket so he could be back on post on August 5th. I stopped him and said, “So you can’t do this tomorrow morning, because that’s what I’m talking about.”

And that’s more or less how the conversation kept going. He kept trying to derail me and this is when I realize just how effective Topamax is for me. There was a time this conversation wouldn’t have been able to happen. He would have started off on some bullshit and that would have been the end of it. But instead this time, each time he got started I would ask him “What does this have to do with what I’m talking about?” and he would get this odd look and say “Nothing I guess.”

I told him I want to settle this out of court. That the best thing for all three of these boys is if they stay together as a single unit with me. Meaning that I have primary residency of Little Bear and that he gets visitation. He got a look and I asked him how he planned to explain why one got to live with him and not the others without creating a sense of favoritism or contention? Again he tried to derail and again I had to pull him back on topic. He even went on some bullshit about how if he didn’t get custody of Little Bear he would have to live in the barracks. I was floored. So again I asked him how did this have to do with what was best for these boys because all I’m hearing is what you want.

I told him this is a legal document that will determine the rest of Little Bear’s minor life. This has to be what is best for him and his brothers. How would he have felt if someone had taken his sister away from him. He stood there a long time with a lot of different expressions and tried to tell me he didn’t know. I told him that he did know and asked him and “you’re going to stand here and tell me you want to do this to these boys?”

He started to agree with me but said he wanted to at least spend some time with the boys before we went to the lawyer. I told him we can go first thing in the morning and that would leave him with the rest of the day. Not going to let him delay me and waste the last day he has here to get this shit done. I also told him if he doesn’t settle out of court then I will have it processed to let a judge decide. I will present the judge my case as to why Little Bear should stay with me, including everything he has said on Facebook about attempting suicide and how mental health care is bullshit and he’s non-compliant. I will let the chips fall where ever they are going to fall at that point. This state favors keeping siblings together. It prides itself in that. So I’ll bank on it. The fact he has said what he has said about mental health care while admitting to attempting suicide only helps my case with a special needs child. If a judge rules against me after that, well nothing would have helped me anyway.

I’m also banking on the fact he wants to avoid particular – specific – drama. Drama I have no intention to bring, but if it got back to the Army it’s nothing but trouble for him. It’s the same shit that’s enabled him to get away with his shit because I’ve been silent about it. Because if I said something he could get demoted. Apparently adultery is still punishable in the Army. I have kids to feed. They can keep their nose out of our shit. Problem is, he’s been using it as a shield for his shit. If all of that comes out proven in court, he’s ass is grass. It won’t effect me because I get nothing out of this divorce. In our state you have to be married at least 10 years to get alimony. And the military says you have to be married 20 years. We don’t meet that. So I personally get nothing by divorcing him other than freedom. I’m going to let DSER figure out child support. It’s the fairest way. It’s what I did for the other two. Less hassle for me anyhow.

In the end I just felt tired watching and listening to him try to pull his shit during this conversation. There were even tears with a speech about how he didn’t want to manipulate me. Not the balling kind of tears. Literally the kind of tears you see when people give speeches. “I did love you. I thought I was going to grow up.” etc.

And this is what I had to say to that:

Yes, you did grow up. Growing up means you become more of yourself. I just held on to the false hope that I could prove myself worthy of you. Problem is I’m a surrogate for whomever it is you’re looking for. I’ll never be that person. I bent over backwards for you to be that person. Bent over backwards to save you from whatever the hell it is you’ve got going on. I can’t. You keep saying that all you do is think about these boys, but all you talk about is what you want. You keep making promises to get better but you don’t, you keep quitting treatment instead. I no longer believe you. I have been nothing but loyal to you for 7 years and what have you done to repay me for it? These boys worship the ground you walk on and what have you done to repay them for it? What a family really, truly needs is a kind and loving father and husband. Doesn’t matter if we’re dirt poor so long as we have that and working together to get by. It’s a lot better than having a fat paycheck and a dickwad that comes home every day treating everyone like shit. All you have to offer this family is a paycheck that you play games with. I’d much rather be dirt poor and live with my parents than deal with anymore of this shit.

And that’s when I walked back inside.