Why is it I must deprive myself a ridiculous amount of sleep in order to suddenly find the drive to get ANYTHING. fucking. done? The sick shit is I can probably do another round of this and get more done and not one person will stop to question or consider how incredibly unhealthy this is. I haven’t been to sleep since 11am yesterday morning and it’s almost 5:30pm now.

I’ve been to the Post Office, twice. Went to two different grocery stores. Stopped over at the school district’s administrative office. Got Little Bear on a 3 month waiting list (as opposed to a 6 month or more) for a neuropsych eval at a clinic that is about 3 hours away from where we live. Believe me the drive is worth a short wait.

Scholar Owl missed the 3rd allowable missed appointments for the year (UGH!!!) so I had to set up an intake appointment over at the hospital to reestablish him as a patient over there. While I was at, I investigated why his meds hadn’t come in the mail yet. The hospital claimed that the order was sent, the insurance’s shipping office claimed that there was never an order, so I gave the hospital their overnight number, and then the hospital called me back saying there was some kind of problem with the number I gave them. Oops, I gave them the shipping office number. lol They needed the mail order pharmacy!

Then I had to call them back because the school wants Little Bear back in Kindergarten for the THIRD time. For real, yet they are claiming that they heard NOTHING about an IEP recommendation. Seriously? I called them on their shit and told them I knew they hadn’t approved the funding for his education over there and they gave me some line that it had to have been the head of the school board that the hospital talked to. No. It wasn’t. So I called the hospital and I asked not only for them to send the school their recommendation for an IEP, but I want a copy of everything as well. So then they inform me I need to fill out the release forms again for all that to happen. Release forms that are supposed to be good for a year. Release forms I signed back in May.

The hospital’s billing office still has my middle son’s insurance information correct. The last time he was over there was almost a year ago. I keep signing and sending in the correction paperwork and for whatever reason it hasn’t been corrected yet. It was one of the things I mailed today. Here’s hoping it will finally be fixed.

Got all the back to school paperwork for homeschool in the mail today too: the portfolio’s letter of recommendation with our letter of intent to the state’s dept. of ed. Then I just hand delivered the duplicate copy to the district office. If I mailed it, the letter would have gotten there two days later. I delivered it personally in 15 minutes. The office gave me a receipt for it so we’re good to go. I paid $6 for that green card to have proof that the state got their copy.

Well I guess that’s all that I’ve actually accomplished today if you don’t count the driving and herding the 3 boys involved – never mind navigating through annoying automated telephone machine menus ALL companies have now.

Speaking of the unproductive bits, I’m worried. It seems to me that ever since Little Bear  has been acting out in the worst way as of late. It has spiked severely between coming home from my parents’ and finding out that public school is starting soon and that he will be going. Today between my lack of sleep and his orneriness, he has been unbearable.

Using my own mood tracker scores to describe him today:

• AM Energy -1 (steadily climbed all day)
• PM Energy (as of 5pm) 3
• AM Irritability 2
• PM Irritability 3
• AM Aggression 0 (I know I don’t have this on mine, but 0 = none)
• PM Aggression 2 (So this means yes, I gave him his “e-med” @ 5pm, I don’t dare let this hit a 3)

So now it’s almost 6pm and holy hell…

• Energy: 0
• Irritability: 0
• Aggression: 0

Completely different kid in an hour! For the record, it’s 0.5mg Clonidine. He’s watching a YouTube video of someone play a retro RPG, munching on a carrot and making quiet happy noises. Oh I take that back. He was playing the retro game and just died… and swore at the screen. Better than what he was doing earlier. So let me adjust my assessment…

• Energy: 0
• Irritability: 1
• Aggression: 0

This is the fifth time total since May that I’ve felt that I needed to give it to him. Even now I question my judgement. Am I giving it to him because he really needs it or because I’m already feeling maxed out where I’m at? If it had been just me and Little Bear here at home, I wouldn’t have used the med. But when I start to worry about the safety and well being of the other two boys because of whatever it is Little Bear is doing, or if he is trying to cause himself immediate harm, then I feel like I don’t have a choice. I guess when it comes to looking at it that way I can only hope I have enough sense in those times to either use the med or just call 911. So far the only time I have had to use two tabs in one day was the very first time in the beginning when we were transitioning him to the new mood stabilizer. Which is a totally understandable and expected thing. Well, at least for me who has gone through this process personally.

I just wish I could understand the root of the mood flux/hiccup. It’s caused sleep disruption for him. His sleep cycle as those that have been following Little Bear’s story on here, on Facebook, and/or in life, his sleep cycle isn’t that great and is prone to disruption to start with. Doesn’t take much to throw it off. Lately he has been bringing up the water and that river more often and how he now never wants to go to an ocean. It’s not an epic rant and he isn’t quite theatrical about it either like he is with some of his other stuff. Well except when he gets to talking about the ocean. Then he sounds like his usual self. It’s not always at bed time. Like today he felt the need to tell the postman about it. He’s been getting in the habit of shutting off certain videos or games that feature water or water sounds as a focus. Saying things like “I don’t like that,” or “I don’t want to deal with it,” etc. The chronic water disasters in the apartment have completely stopped. No more “I was just giving [whatever toy he was playing with] a bath.” The last time I gave him a bath was the shortest ever. Usually this kid wants to play like a whale in there FOREVER – as long as his face doesn’t get wet. He has never liked that. I’m not even angry anymore. I just feel despair over this. I don’t know what to do.

And then the husband called tonight – right around 5pm or so as a matter of fact. Talked to each of the boys. Then Little Bear handed the phone to me. My husband claimed he didn’t know why our son did that but he had no problem asking me if I sent the paperwork yet. I told him I handle a lot of paperwork so he needed to be more specific – and given how my day went today I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. He told me he was talking the divorce paper work – like it was obvious. Sorry it wasn’t to me. You try doing what I do and see how well you do – oh wait…. I told him it would have been done by done if he had been cooperative about it while he was here. “I gave you my address and I paid the $5, how much more cooperative do you need me to be?” I told him if he had quit playing games we could have met with a lawyer and had the paperwork done the same day. So he blamed everything on his father. And thus is the way things usually start when he is up to something.

I can feel myself nudging this table further away from me, not just the over full plate, as I want to say, “Not my circus, not my monkey.”

Meanwhile on the other end of my life, I’m still hearing my dad preaching that I have gotten into the habit of doing nothing all day. This coming from him right after the portfolio got back with the review. Not to mention everything else I deal with. He doesn’t live with us in my apartment so I assume he is basing this entirely on how I behave over there when we visit and on the cleanliness of our apartment on the rare occasions he visits. First off, he’s the one that urges and encourages me to come over to his house to take a break. So yes I go over there with the sole purpose to do just that. As for the cleanliness of my home… there are two pieces to this. There are his ridiculous standards – as in you are expected to keep your home clean enough to eat off every surface. Really. Fuck that. This is my home. You do your home how you want, let me deal with mine. The other piece to this is the reality that I am just one person trying to do EVERYTHING all by myself. My oldest son has just now hit the teenage phase of “Why do I have to do it?” when he used to be very helpful. This kid actually had the balls to tell his therapist in front of me that I ask too much of him. Seriously? I ask you to take the kitchen trash out maybe once a week when I remember to think of it (usually when it’s threatening to barf all over the place) and I ask you load and unload the dish machine when the sinks get full. Well that was before our sink started leaking.

I wish that somebody ANYBODY would just fix this damn thing already. I wish I could just call a plumber in here on my own in full confidence and not have to worry about getting in trouble about it. But everyone is telling me to let this kitchen sink leak all over the place to force them to fix it when I have told them about it months ago. I’ve showed it to them. Just this week they repaired the ceiling in the apartment below from the water damage so they could rent it out to a new family. How does this even make sense? Cover up the damage but don’t fix the source of the problem. But the building manager has already told me I’m at fault for at $2000 in damages for mold in the wall – because of this water. She claimed it’s due to negligence. Lady I told you it needs to be fixed. I’m not neglecting ANYTHING. And I know if I do pay for someone to come in and fix it, there is a good chance these people won’t pay me back for it. I’m almost at a point where I don’t care. I’d like to be able to use my sink for more than filling my coffee pot and getting a glass of water before the facet starts spraying water out of the base of it.

It would be even better if I could find an affordable apartment somewhere else. Last month there was a 3 bedroom in a town roughly 30 minutes away. Less expensive than this one. I mentioned to Dad about checking it out. He heard what town it was and said I didn’t want it. “Everyone is moving out of there so it can’t be a good place to live,” or something to that effect. Everyone is bailing this area too. It’s because these areas are rural. It’s farm country. If I was actively looking for a job I would move closer to the hospital. I said as much and Dad said that was no good either because that area was full of druggies. That area is almost an hour away from here and he never goes anywhere so how the hell would he know what people are like anymore.

So sure, let’s just keep bumping up the goal posts shall we and make sure the toad has no reason to believe that things can get better or do better. I’m really starting to think he REALLY wants me to stay right here. And he’s been like that ever since I came back from Texas – and that was back when I was 19 years old. Ever since he’s always had an excuse or reason as to why I should stay right exactly here. Fine, you’re worried about me. I get it but the subtext with which you speak is getting really old. Just say what you really mean already. It’s less insulting and saves time for everyone.