Just when I thought I finally had my head out of the water and clear of the storm shit fucking hits me again. Husband called tonight and just had to brag about what he bought the boys for Christmas. Oh sure he asked me what I got the boys and I told him I hadn’t gotten anything yet. Didn’t apologize. Didn’t ask me if I needed a little extra money for that.

Nope he went into why he still needed to keep my allotment down to where it is. More shit is wrong with his truck and now he isn’t staying with his dad during his Christmas leave like he had planned two months ago. Now he’s going to stay at a hotel an hour up north because supposedly that’s the cheaper thing to do.

So what do I find myself doing? Looking up on Google Maps all the damn hotels and motels that are within a 15 minute radius of us. Why? Because that’s what the fucking Toad does. I really ought to start charging for my problem solving and researching skills.

Seriously though, this was something he could have totally done himself so why am I doing it for him? He goes on leave every six months the same time every year so it’s not like he doesn’t know when it’s coming up to plan and save up for yet every time I end up doing the planning and he’s hard up for money and I take the hit.

In the end though it’s a lost cause because I KNOW he blew all that money he cut from me the past two months so the $200 he gains this month isn’t going to get him very far in the way of a hotel or motel when his leave is about a week long.

So he goes on to say that he left me a message about it on Facebook knowing that I haven’t been on Facebook awhile due to being busy with the moving stuff. The only reason he even spoke to me tonight was because Little Bear said it was “Mama’s turn to talk” and handed me the phone before he could hang up. So I just looked and he says on there that he plans to cut me an additional $150 on the 15th of December and the 1st of January. That will put me down to $750 each payday to cover every thing for the four of us. I know damn well he expects to keep it that way.

If we were still over at the apartment, we wouldn’t have been able to afford to live there on $1500 a month not when the rent was $700 a month and the college loans are $700 month. That would leave me with $100 to cover everything else? As it is I’m not living with my parents for free either. My parents want me to split utilities and food costs with them so the way they figure it that comes out to $600 a month so now with what he will be giving me that leaves me with $200 for misc. expenses like gas for appointments and meds for the screw up through the mail. I still think someone stole Little Bear’s med from the mailbox before I got it, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m now stuck with buying it out of pocket until March because insurance mails it to us 3 months at a time. His med is $70 a script.

But that fucking bastard says I’m mismanaging money. What that fucker doesn’t get is that I’d sooner spend that money on the meds and food and THEN beg my mom for a cigarette before ever watching my kids go without. I HAVE busted my ass out in their vegetable garden and canned food for future hardships and he has stuck his nose up at it. He made fun of me for having a rotating 2 year food storage saying we don’t need it.

I tell you what I don’t like not having food security. I did go through a period of time before Little Bear was born and before I met my husband where I did skip meals for the sole purpose of making sure there was enough for Scholar Owl and Tuxedo Cat to eat. I was that anxious about it. Then one day in lecture in one of my nutrition classes we discussed food security, what it was, why it was important, and the behavior signs in people who didn’t have it. I went home realizing my home didn’t have it and I made an appointment to get Food Stamps. It took swallowing my pride but it was a relief to see my cupboards full.

I was thrilled to learn in the state of Maine that you can use Food Stamps to buy vegetable seed to grow your own food. You can’t sell it but you can process ALL of it for future use to feed your family. That first summer I had more green beans than I knew what to do with. I learned how to make pickled green beans! And green bean soups. Needless to say my boys aren’t fond of green beans much anymore… They still like carrots and fresh peas though. Beets too if we get them pickled right. I’m fond of the greens. Maybe this summer I can get the boys out there in the garden.

In any case I’m tired of my husband’s shit, his excuses, and all of the blame being dumped on me. It needs to end. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s trying to make sure that I don’t have the money for a divorce lawyer.