My Current Therapist is Awesome

So I saw her this morning and I get in there and tell her how the boys and I are finally out of that craptastic apartment. So we celebrated for a moment about that, because seriously I can’t celebrate that shit enough. Then I told her how I hit the 50k mark in NaNo and hit the end of my outline for my novel before the end of November. So we celebrated that too because there really wasn’t anyone in person that I had done that with. Then I told I needed to hit her with a “bomb” and that I hope she was okay with it. I point blank asked her how comfortable she was with talking about sex.

She said she was completely fine with it. So I hit her with the writing, the hypersexuality, PTSD, and all the issues I’ve been having. And it was awesome.



Do you have any idea how rare it is to find a therapist that doesn’t freak out and shutdown over hearing the word “sex”?



She thinks it’s great that the Chaos Pen is leading to some serious breakthroughs for me in terms of getting me to face my own demons by way of expressing fears and feelings I’m not normally willing to talk about. Therefore Chaos Pen will remain as the project it is.

She also supported the idea of me writing erotica for a number of reasons. First and foremost is that hypersexuality can trigger “problem behavior” and frankly that’s not my issue. I won’t say that’s never been an issue (looking at you teenaged party self) but it’s not my current issue. My current issue is that when hypersexuality kicks in, it triggers my PTSD. So we talked about that. Why is it 9-10 years ago I was able to write gay fantasy genre erotica will no issue but now I’m having serious issues? A couple of things are coming into play. One the writing is trigging breakthroughs via Chaos Pen so that just isn’t the place for erotica, period. It’s not going to work there. Two back then with the gay erotica it was far removed from me. I’m female writing about two males in an urban fantasy setting that had no issues. It was safe and had nothing to do with me.

So today I revisited the first short story in that old series wondering if I pick up writing about Nepenthe and Anuran. Let me just say that IF I do, I need to start over from scratch. Looking at this 10 years later yes, I see rookie mistakes in the writing and that’s really not my issue because that part could be easily corrected. It’s things with plot that is barely there that I would like to address. I say this is erotica but let’s be honest in my book this is porn. There is no real plot here at all. You never get to see these guys meet and fall in love but supposedly they are madly, deeply in love yet you never find out the why behind it. That’s disappointing. I’m not saying it’s trash exactly I’m just saying I feel I could do more with it. These two characters do have a story to tell, not just have a show to put on.

So for those that are wondering what the heck I’m talking about, I did take the time to set the pieces in question to public. You can read them if you’d like. I am aware that there are problems with the writing in terms of plot and some things like “who is doing what now?” type of stuff that really ought to be fixed. There is also the issue of Nepenthe slipping into a dialect that I actually tried to spell that should not have been done at all in the dialogue. It’s bad and I’m sorry for that. All of this is 10 years old now so please by all means feel free to critique to your heart’s content, especially if you’d like to see more of this genre from me. There is no point in writing if you’re not going to make an effort to improve. So I need to know what’s working and what’s not working – OH, and yes I’m aware that in the first short story lube wasn’t used when it should have been. I own that mistake too. Personally if I was Anuran and he tried that again I’d kick him in the throat. In retrospect that was an asshole thing to do for someone’s first time. So yea… totally kinda thinking I ought to rewrite these guys completely.

Dreams of Moonlit Shadow

My question is, do I want to write them again or do I want to write something else? I mean I don’t know if these two particular characters speak to me anymore. I do know that the fantasy and urban fantasy genre appeals to me. I highly doubt you will ever find me writing historical romance for example. Fuck. That. Much rather write something bazaar like oh, I don’t a dynamic duo out fighting Cthulhu turkey spawn slug things that just happen to find time to have sex on the side? Okay maybe not that. Little too weird. No spaghetti dinner in my court. Sorry, I don’t think I can go there.

Anyhow, if I do follow through on this thought process of returning to the realm of writing erotica – which my brain seems to be heading – whatever I write will get posted in a separate blog. This one isn’t rated for that and when I created this blog it wasn’t intended for that either. Honestly I’m still not 100% sure what this blog is about other than my chaotic life, but hey it is what it is.

In any case, I’m still just mulling things over and I’m really happy to finally have a therapist that doesn’t completely shutdown when you say the word sex. I’m getting really tired of hypersexuality and asexuality being ignored and brushed aside when it IS very much a real fact of life for those with mental illness. I don’t know what it’s like for other disorders and other people, but for me hypersexuality is an old friend that usually comes around with hypomania. And I miss it.

Ever since PTSD has entered the picture things have gotten pretty damn weird. Medications that treat Bipolar do not help with this AT ALL. There is nothing to help those who want it to go away on purpose and for those of us that want to keep it, well guess what? I swear the meds know it and kick us with side effects that at best dampen it or kill it out right. So between the meds and the PTSD I don’t know who I am anymore sexually. Hence her advice with the writing. It is safe on several levels. I don’t have to worry about finding another asshole, so there’s that. And as the author I have ALL the control. Period. Is this where we cue the evil laughter? I believe so.


And now I think I need to find something productive to do… like laundry… or at least pretend to do something productive… because… I have rambled on long enough about weird ass shit I think.

12 thoughts on “My Current Therapist is Awesome

  1. I’m glad things are getting better for you. I’m still newly acquainted with you, so I don’t know much about what’s been going on in your life, but it’s good that things in your life are improving. If I may make a suggestion, if you no longer hear anything from previous characters, it may be best to leave them behind. Stephen King once said ‘kill your babies’, when it comes to moving on. New characters and settings would probably help you see things from where you stand now, versus where you were 10 years ago. But, again, I don’t know much about your situation, so I don’t know how helpful my advice would be.

    • There is a ton of wisdom in what Stephen King has to say there even though I haven’t read a lot of his novels (don’t tell my neighbors I said that, I do live in Maine after all). What I do remember reading back in high school that he wrote was the articles for Writer’s Digest once in awhile. I lived for those. Odd that I wasn’t a big fan of his novels but found that his advice to be the most insightful and meaningful. I don’t remember that exact quote, but it applies here. Someone new needs to emerge.

  2. First, I absolutely love Tim Curry in this role. I had such a hard time believing it was him. Partially because I found the character attractive but felt like a freak for feeling that way. I’ve gotten over that. I now find no one attractive. If there is a sex scene in a movie I now fast forward, I find it BORING! I can differentiate between what I find beautiful or appealing and what I don’t but beyond that nothing. One of the reasons Celibacy has worked so easily for the last 8+ years. There was a brief time I went off of Topamax that some kind of want or feeling returned. It didn’t last long and there were other consequences. There has always been a connection between sex and alcohol with me. I never did one without the other. So now that I do not drink and am on Bipolar medications there is a significant problem. Not leaving the house could be lessening my chances of meeting people. lol By the way I am experimenting with Professional hair color from TIGI. I’m going to try to create………Cherry Coke! If you are ever on Pinterest there are a million examples. Loved your post!

    • LOL YAY! I wondered if there was anyone out there that would know who besides me that know who this was! <3 HE WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC WITH THE PART. Stole the movie if you ask me. Second best goes to the female part but I'll be damned if I can remember her name. I kinda wish someone else played the hero but I have no idea who they could have picked. I was still kind of young when the movie came out.

      I didn't realize that Topamax played a role in this, but it doesn't surprise me. I just thought it was all the other issues I'm dealing with. I say hypersexual but right now what's really happening is more like someone is warming up the car for days on end, nothing is happening, the car isn't going anywhere, and it's not increasing in intensity like it used to. So I feel like I'm waiting forever for the party to start, if that makes sense? If not for shit like this, celibacy would be a choice and I'm fucking married. I am tired of a lot of things.

      (psst… I thought the character was pretty hot back in the day too so don't feel bad – oh wait, still do… it's the PRESENCE he gives playing the role I think that does it)

      • Get ready because movies are my fave topic! Ridley Scott had considered Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., and Jim Carrey. Why Jim Carrey I don’t know. The actress is Mia Sara, she really didn’t do much after. During filming the studio burned down and Cruise’s father passed away. Ridley Scott originally wanted a dark, graphic, somewhat horror fantasy film. The first draft had Princess Lili transform into a clawed, fur covered beast, who is seduced by the Lord of Darkness. What started as a 150 minute Rated “R” film ended up as a 90 minute Rated “PG” film to please the studios. I had the Director’s Cut of how it was meant to be seen but had to sell it. Way more than you ever wanted to know! Don’t get me started on Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker’s Dracula!

  3. Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
    The words in your post seem to be running off the screen in Safari.

    I’m not sure if this is a formatting issue or something
    to do with web browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know.

    The style and design look great though! Hope you get the issue resolved soon. Kudos

  4. Pingback: The Ups and Downs of Being a Writer | The Art of Chaos

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