So I saw her this morning and I get in there and tell her how the boys and I are finally out of that craptastic apartment. So we celebrated for a moment about that, because seriously I can’t celebrate that shit enough. Then I told her how I hit the 50k mark in NaNo and hit the end of my outline for my novel before the end of November. So we celebrated that too because there really wasn’t anyone in person that I had done that with. Then I told I needed to hit her with a “bomb” and that I hope she was okay with it. I point blank asked her how comfortable she was with talking about sex.

She said she was completely fine with it. So I hit her with the writing, the hypersexuality, PTSD, and all the issues I’ve been having. And it was awesome.

Do you have any idea how rare it is to find a therapist that doesn’t freak out and shutdown over hearing the word “sex”?

She thinks it’s great that the Chaos Pen is leading to some serious breakthroughs for me in terms of getting me to face my own demons by way of expressing fears and feelings I’m not normally willing to talk about. Therefore Chaos Pen will remain as the project it is.

She also supported the idea of me writing erotica for a number of reasons. First and foremost is that hypersexuality can trigger “problem behavior” and frankly that’s not my issue. I won’t say that’s never been an issue (looking at you teenaged party self) but it’s not my current issue. My current issue is that when hypersexuality kicks in, it triggers my PTSD. So we talked about that. Why is it 9-10 years ago I was able to write gay fantasy genre erotica will no issue but now I’m having serious issues? A couple of things are coming into play. One the writing is trigging breakthroughs via Chaos Pen so that just isn’t the place for erotica, period. It’s not going to work there. Two back then with the gay erotica it was far removed from me. I’m female writing about two males in an urban fantasy setting that had no issues. It was safe and had nothing to do with me.

So today I revisited the first short story in that old series wondering if I pick up writing about Nepenthe and Anuran. Let me just say that IF I do, I need to start over from scratch. Looking at this 10 years later yes, I see rookie mistakes in the writing and that’s really not my issue because that part could be easily corrected. It’s things with plot that is barely there that I would like to address. I say this is erotica but let’s be honest in my book this is porn. There is no real plot here at all. You never get to see these guys meet and fall in love but supposedly they are madly, deeply in love yet you never find out the why behind it. That’s disappointing. I’m not saying it’s trash exactly I’m just saying I feel I could do more with it. These two characters do have a story to tell, not just have a show to put on.

So for those that are wondering what the heck I’m talking about, I did take the time to set the pieces in question to public. You can read them if you’d like. I am aware that there are problems with the writing in terms of plot and some things like “who is doing what now?” type of stuff that really ought to be fixed. There is also the issue of Nepenthe slipping into a dialect that I actually tried to spell that should not have been done at all in the dialogue. It’s bad and I’m sorry for that. All of this is 10 years old now so please by all means feel free to critique to your heart’s content, especially if you’d like to see more of this genre from me. There is no point in writing if you’re not going to make an effort to improve. So I need to know what’s working and what’s not working – OH, and yes I’m aware that in the first short story lube wasn’t used when it should have been. I own that mistake too. Personally if I was Anuran and he tried that again I’d kick him in the throat. In retrospect that was an asshole thing to do for someone’s first time. So yea… totally kinda thinking I ought to rewrite these guys completely.

Dreams of Moonlit Shadow

My question is, do I want to write them again or do I want to write something else? I mean I don’t know if these two particular characters speak to me anymore. I do know that the fantasy and urban fantasy genre appeals to me. I highly doubt you will ever find me writing historical romance for example. Fuck. That. Much rather write something bazaar like oh, I don’t a dynamic duo out fighting Cthulhu turkey spawn slug things that just happen to find time to have sex on the side? Okay maybe not that. Little too weird. No spaghetti dinner in my court. Sorry, I don’t think I can go there.

Anyhow, if I do follow through on this thought process of returning to the realm of writing erotica – which my brain seems to be heading – whatever I write will get posted in a separate blog. This one isn’t rated for that and when I created this blog it wasn’t intended for that either. Honestly I’m still not 100% sure what this blog is about other than my chaotic life, but hey it is what it is.

In any case, I’m still just mulling things over and I’m really happy to finally have a therapist that doesn’t completely shutdown when you say the word sex. I’m getting really tired of hypersexuality and asexuality being ignored and brushed aside when it IS very much a real fact of life for those with mental illness. I don’t know what it’s like for other disorders and other people, but for me hypersexuality is an old friend that usually comes around with hypomania. And I miss it.

Ever since PTSD has entered the picture things have gotten pretty damn weird. Medications that treat Bipolar do not help with this AT ALL. There is nothing to help those who want it to go away on purpose and for those of us that want to keep it, well guess what? I swear the meds know it and kick us with side effects that at best dampen it or kill it out right. So between the meds and the PTSD I don’t know who I am anymore sexually. Hence her advice with the writing. It is safe on several levels. I don’t have to worry about finding another asshole, so there’s that. And as the author I have ALL the control. Period. Is this where we cue the evil laughter? I believe so.

And now I think I need to find something productive to do… like laundry… or at least pretend to do something productive… because… I have rambled on long enough about weird ass shit I think.