Finally. Didn’t happen until 3:30am this morning and I woke up at 7am this morning BUT sleep is still sleep and I’ll take what I can get. Other than feeling like I’ve been stomped on by an army of tiny elves (and knowing my luck, I probably was), I feel pretty damn good.
No writing happened last night. I spent the entire evening at the desk, listening to music, feeling my brain go numb and blank while the rest of me felt unpleasantly pleasant. I feel alone, but not lonely, and I am frustrated with this. I chose somewhere along the lines to live a life of the hermit. It’s a life of solitude, not isolation. I always had connections and people to reach out to if and when I needed to.
And I had sets of people for certain things. People for family and home, people for gaming, people for partying, for chilling… you get the idea. There wasn’t any hard and fast rule. People came and went, the lines were blurred, and things were fine. And I was fine. And maybe in part this is all because I grew up in the military and spent my entire life saying hello and goodbye everyday. Everything was transient and nomadic in regards to relationships and it was all very normal in my world. When my father retired, I never really adapted to civilian life in that respect. And I was fine.
But something has fractured along the way. My problem isn’t the lack of permanency. My problem is the lack of flow. The only people I have now is family. And some things you just don’t ask your family for, you know? Or at least I don’t. There isn’t anyone else to call and there isn’t anywhere else to go. Not unless I wanted to play around and cheat on my husband, which I don’t yet the temptation is there but then I don’t have the means to act on it anyway. In the end I’d much rather invest in a divorce and be done with it. And of course he’s got to play games with the money so that doesn’t happen.
What I don’t understand is, in all my life living this way by choice why is it I have no social network now? It happened once before with Scholar Owl’s father and I had to rebuild back then too. I didn’t see what happened back then either just as I didn’t see what happened this time. I honestly do not know what happened. And I can just hear my father’s voice in my head getting angry with me for wanting to blame these men for it but…
My mother wondered why I said years ago as a child that I never wanted to get married. My father recently dismissed me when I said if I do managed to get divorced I don’t plan on ever getting married again. Not sure why but they both really have it in their head that I need to be married. I have no desire to be anyone’s property again and that’s all a marriage certificate is. I don’t think either one of them want to accept the reason I feel this way is due to the dynamic of their relationship along with my own experience. Whatever, it is what it is.
My mother is now freaking out that Scholar Owl is starting to preach a similar sentiment. What do you expect to come from a child that is surrounded by dysfunctional relationships? I certainly don’t expect him to be buying into the Disney fairy tale bullshit we are fed from the get go. Would be nice if that nonsense worked for people but I’ve never seen it. In any case, when she lectured me about how he needs to see a therapist for it I nodded my head and 86’s that shit as walked out the door.
Whether or not my son ever gets married and why is up to him. I refuse to shame or pressure him into that shit. What she doesn’t know is him and I have talked about it a little. I have no beef with what he said but hey… I’m biased. I told him not to get married if he had any doubts about it. Not to get married if he didn’t feel comfortable with it for any reason. Chances are, there is a reason you feel that way. There’s no harm in waiting. Also wait until you feel like you have a sense of who you are. And this isn’t to say that once any of these things are in place you need to dive into marriage. The way I see it, if it’s the right person and they truly love you then they’ll stay by your side committed without that piece of paper because that’s all marriage is: a legal document. You don’t need a ceremony in this country to get married. You pay the fee, sign in front of a legal witness, and it’s done.
I worry more about not being able to fix it this time. I was half this age and more functional than I am now last time. I had more resources available to me as well. Plus I have the complication now of taking care children with special needs. How do you rebuild a social network from scratch when even family doesn’t really want to babysit for you? Siblings want to hang out with you but… only if you don’t bring your kids. The one medication I take now doesn’t mix well with alcohol so that venue is closed – not a huge loss, but still.
So I’m alone, but not lonely. I’m frustrated and tired of being angry. And I worry that this is all I’ll ever be. I worry that this is what my son will become.
I touched on this with my sister today before taking Little Bear to his emergency dental appointment – more on that in a bit, this post took most of the day to write damn it. She believes I can rebuild my social network and she agrees with my insight. It has only vaporized the two times. I’m not imagining it. Whether it’s directly or indirectly because of these two men who fuck knows but it is connected to their placement in my life. Does this mean I’m not meant for monogamous relationships? I ask this because before Scholar Owl’s father I was never really in one. I would like to hope it was the choice in men and not some inherent inability on my part. After all, Tuxedo Cat’s father happened between these two men and although we aren’t compatible as a couple, we’re still friends and we’re co-parenting our son quite well I think. I wish all relationships resolved as well as that one has. All in all, I hope my sister is right.
While I do cherish my time alone, to think and breathe and write and dream, there are times I need to live too.
I also shared with her how with all that’s going on with Mom and I that I feel this pressure in my head to go off my meds. Like I’m starting to hear a running thought that I don’t need the Topamax. I’m getting really, REALLY tired of the pressure from Mom about my supposed lack of motivation. But I CAN’T go off this med. I CAN’T go back to daily, all day long migraines. I just can’t. I won’t.
I’m pretty sure I said it before but I’ll say it again, but it got to the point where I had only 5 pain free days a month if I was lucky. It was a horribly dark place to be in and I don’t want to go back there. It’s just a matter of luck that this med happens to also address my Bipolar symptoms and a few PTSD symptoms too. I don’t have night terrors any more because of this med. Why the fuck would I want to ever go back to that?
So we talked about that and what is the likelihood of me becoming med non-compliant because I’m really worried I’m on the verge of being full blown manic. I don’t think I’m rating the mood tracker accurately or this just pushed up more the other night when I didn’t sleep at all. She also asked me if I wanted a med adjustment or if I wanted to ride it out. Would I be safe enough to ride it out? Now that I’m at my parents, yes I think it’s safe. Hell honestly I think it’s safe enough for a med adjustment too. I don’t like med changes or adjustments because even the smallest adjustments seem to have the hugest effects on me.
Like the time I accidently set the trash can on fire when I emptied out the ash tray after they upped the Topamax by only 25mg. I was only on 100mg total in the morning and 75mg at night and it was the third day like that when it happened. The brain fog was that bad, I forgot I had a lit cigarette in there. Just dumped it in the trash. Soon as it started smoking, I ran it right over to hose water into it. Fucking scared the shit out of me though. What if I had dumped it and left instead of hanging around? Needless to say I went back to the 75mg twice a day that night. Fuck. That.
But apparently there is another med in the same class as the Clonidine we have for Little Bear that is used as a PRN for times like what I’m going through right now, but also used to treat some of my lingering symptoms of PTSD. Like the irritability – just saying. Fucking hate running around like a toad-sized Hulk. Seriously, I’m fucking short and no one ever takes me for real when I’m pissed which only makes me uglier. It’s just a bad, downward spiral of nasty. Anyway, she said it was Propranolol. Looking it up, I see it’s also used as a prevention med for migraines because it’s a beta blocker. So I may just consider bringing this one up with the med clinic.
Because my parents obviously don’t understand or recognize hypomania or mania – if anything I feel like Mom is trying to trigger it. I don’t have anyone here to flag me down so to speak. There isn’t anyone here who can tap me on the shoulder to say, “Hey, you’re climbing too high. Something needs to change.” The only time my parents say anything about med changes is with my depression. I need that outside perspective, but it needs to be respectful and honest. I don’t feel like it is right now.
My parents are going the rounds again – as in between each other. I have walked in more than once Dad accusing or asking if she is seeing anyone. This shit sucks because when she gets mad at him she takes it out on me. I have lost count on the number of times I have heard the words, “You’re just like your father.” And not just from her. Lots of people say it that know my dad, so yeah I guess so and it doesn’t bother me that I am. In many ways I’m glad and in other ways I do wish I could be different – like the angry part. So I find myself wondering how much of this push-pull shit that’s going on is really about a concern for my well-being and how much is about the shit going on between them.
Bear in mind my dad is no saint either. He’s got his game on too. It’s just different and right now since Mom brought the ugly, he’s playing the friend. At least they have never brought the ugly at me at the same time. Well no… there was one time. When I needed treatment for the postpartum psychosis and everyone thought it was postpartum depression. Mom was convinced I was suicidal and threatened to commit me and Dad thought she was over reacting but he did agree I needed better meds than what I had.
My sister had to step in and intervene the whole mess because Mom called a family meeting to convince me to be hospitalized I guess. I don’t know exactly what she intended with that meeting to be honest. I stopped listening the moment she dropped the threat. Words cannot adequately express the morbid fear I have for hospitals. If I ever stay in one you know it’s fucking serious.
I suppose this is why I think it’s their shit rather than mine because they aren’t coming at me at the same time. It’s just as I get older, it’s becoming more of Mom bringing the ugly and not Dad. I’m thinking the reason for that is because of the shit going on with my husband. I think by default my side has been chosen for me when all these years before that I’ve tried to stay neutral with their shit. Now I’m in the position of knowing what it’s like of having your family wrecked by it as both the child and the spouse. It’s hard not to have a side in that. It’s hard not to have an opinion. It’s hard not to vomit anger and just quietly step out. It’s even harder when you live in a small community and people always seem to know and fucking talk. I’ve been hearing this shit since working in nursing homes with my mother in junior high.
Makes me wonder why Mom suggested I should move in and why I thought this was a good idea. But she did and because of all the shit I have going on right now, I agreed. I just hope I can reign my shit in and pull it together soon. I talked to Dad after coming back from the dental appointment about what my sister and I talked about. He’s not in favor of a med change until things settle down. BUT he thinks my irritability is getting out of hand. So at least my self awareness is still on point. I can still trust that for now. If that goes out the window I’m fucked.
So, that’s where I’m at right now. Just worried I’m going to go off the deep end but I keep telling myself that I’m okay. I just have a lot on my plate right now with one week left before my husband gets here for his leave. I think it’s reasonable to say any normal person would be stressed in all of this.
RANDOM SIDE NOTE: How can my baby sister not like Five Finger Death Punch?
O.o I fail to understand this. o.O
The song is awesome and the lyrics resonate with me but this video cracks me up to no end.