It’s been a very long week and I’m glad it’s over. The husband claims that he’s here until the 7th but the boys go back to school on the 3rd and MUST return to their strict schedules and routines tomorrow night, which is the 2nd. Overall I’m worn down and tired at this point. Don’t know if it’s a mood cycle thing, that time of the month, if it’s because I caught a bug, or just what. All I want to do is sleep. I haven’t even felt like writing much. I’m that tired.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: December 28, 2016
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ December 25, 2016
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 7am, up at 9am – 2 hours total (we lost power this morning so no one wanted to do anything)
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9am
- forgot night meds
Meals
- 5 cups of coffee
- Christmas ham dinner (divine cooking on my parents’ part I must say)
- who knows how much fudge
Notes
Monday ~ December 26, 2016
Mood: ? ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: stayed up until about 7am, then slept off and on all day until 7pm
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
Meals
- 5 cups of coffee
- some fudge
- leftover ham
Notes
- Dad checked in on me at some point today, told him I wasn’t feeling well but I’m not sure if that was the problem
- husband never showed up or called today
- Little Bear’s sleep is messed up – stayed up past midnight
Tuesday ~ December 27, 2016
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 2pm, up at 7pm – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- forgot – how? I don’t understand but it’s still in the pillbox now at 2am and I remember talking to Scholar Owl about them taking their meds, bleh wtf that’s distressing
Meals
- large coffee from the gas station
- 2 cups coffee
- leftover ham
Notes
- my therapy
- Little Bear’s sleep is messed up – stayed up past midnight
Wednesday ~ December 28, 2016
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 3pm – total ? hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
Meals
- 5 cups of coffee
- leftover ham
- 1 bologna and cheese sandwich on wheat
- fudge (because damn my mother made a shit-ton of it and it’s good – NO fucks given and NO regrets)
Notes
- Husband showed up today and stayed until 7pm, Little Bear asked to spend the night with him, he told him “Not this time” but then told him to ask ME – like WTF? so I told Little Bear that Daddy already said no and this exploded into a shit storm, and husband tried to tell me that he didn’t say no and I was like “I heard you, what exactly did you say to him?” then he was like “Oh.” Fuck you asshole. Then he lingered and fed into the tantrum that Little Bear threw in response to all of this. I finally had to put my foot down 15 minutes later saying this conversation was over just to get this asshole out of my parents’ house.
Thursday ~ December 29, 2016
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm, up at 5am – 7.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
Meals
- 6 cups of coffee
- fudge
Notes
Friday ~ December 30, 2016
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: no idea, slept off and on most of the day
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- biscuits and gravy
Notes
Saturday ~ December 31, 2016
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 1am, bed at 2:30am, up at 6am – then napped off and on rest of day
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- banana crème cookies
- chips and bean dips
- 2 cans of Dr. Pepper
Notes
- Husband stayed the night for New Year’s Eve – not exactly what I had planned and he had NOTHING planned for the evening, Mom took the evening completely over on us and shit hit the fan with the boys and she didn’t understand why – tried to explain to her why: she said that he nothing planned so she took over and I said “This is why he keeps doing what he does, because it covers his ass for having nothing planned, then you look like the bad guy from all the stress it created, and he looks like the fucking saint because you took over on him. STOP FUCKING SAVING HIS ASS. All it does is piss off the boys and makes us look bad, not him.” At this point they are done with the visit. They have had their fill. This is all about him, not them. This is why he had nothing planned. His father was already bugging him over the cell phone about getting his car back because he needed it first thing in the morning. And you can see how well that went. Husband is here not taking the car two or three hours away from here to where ever it is his father lives. Thought that was in Portland but apparently not – according to my husband his father never lived in Portland. Interesting because that’s what his father kept telling us so someone is lying to someone. Nothing new there with that family. Fucking drives me nuts.
OMG this husband of yours sounds like a nightmare
There is a reason I haven’t posted much and I suspect there is a reason I feel like I have been struck with a serious case of the flu. It’s been like this the last 3 or 4 times he has come to visit around Christmas as far as the flu like symptoms are concerned. All I want to do is sleep and my entire body hurts like hell. Little Bear has been a non-stop holy terror. The other two boys have taken up cues from me I think and started to mimic my behavior from what I can tell when I do emerge. They have themselves buried in their rooms and my husband has to dive in to engage them. Anyone that knows anything about Bipolar or Autism should know that diving into the equivalent of the Bat Cave is not a good idea, yet he does it – every day that he’s here, like it’s his right. So the night before New Year’s Eve was painful because this man had the gall to demand I let him take the boys to his hotel room for the holiday night. I told him no and offered him an alternative because he just had to spend the evening with the boys even though doing so would ruin their schedule and routine the day before going back to school. New Year’s Eve itself was just… not fun. Not only did I have to deal with him and the dynamic between him and the boys, I suddenly had to contend with my mother and that dynamic. It wasn’t enough for her to take over. She had to fucking invite extra people over. Yes it’s her home and she can do that but for some reason she expected us to be grateful. She’s never done ANY of this shit in the year’s before this. When we didn’t live there her and Dad kept saying we needed to do our own thing and build our own traditions, etc. etc. but this year for whatever reason this year was different. She kept acting like I wasn’t doing anything. And she’s right. I wasn’t. FOR A REASON. Then she got mad because the boys didn’t want to participate or do whatever the fuck it was she had planned. Finally I tried to explain on New Year’s Eve. I don’t think she understands. My husband does this shit every. fucking. holiday. I don’t understand my mother’s new behavior – or maybe my mother has always done this and I’m only noticing it now. I don’t know. I just know that the boys and I are done going on parade. Little Bear still participates but he pays the price. Scholar Owl expressed his concerns and issues with me last night that he is conflicted. My husband is the only person is he has ever known that he could call father. When my oldest met his biological father he was 12 and it wasn’t a fun ride for him. Anyhow, now he is aware of the fighting between my husband and I and the shit going on. He feels like he should take sides like he did with his biological father – which I never asked him to do, but when that man ignores his son and bitches about how his wife nails him in court for how he put a gun to her gun and threaten to shoot her… kind of hard to choose sides. The first thing that came out of Scholar Owl’s mouth after he left was asking me if he ever treated me like that. I am relieved to say I left him before it ever got that bad. Sadly, both Scholar Owl and I don’t have to say anything to know how badly things have gotten now. He’s terrified of getting married. I don’t know how many times he has said as much. I’m not sure if he’s even willing to be in a relationship. That’s how fucked up things are between my husband and I. He’s not worried about becoming someone like my husband. He’s worried about becoming trapped like me. He doesn’t have to say it in so many words for me to figure it out. He’s a near carbon copy of me with a much softer heart. Whomever falls in love with him has a far greater burden of being a knight in shining armor with the willingness to honor, preserve, and protect than I would ever need. To say that I worry is an understatement. I fear it’s something this world is forgetting how to do for one another. Wow, this turned into word vomit. Sorry about that.
Don’t be sorry. You needed to get it out and I’m happy to read it. I wish it wasn’t so complicated and nasty for you.
Thank you for understanding <3
❤
I’m sorry he give you so much shit. Its unjust
Dealing with him and my mother at the same time this New Year’s Eve was the worst. Usually my mother doesn’t get involved. I don’t understand why this year she felt the need to and just take over like she did.
Maybe its her way of protecting you. Possible she feels even more responsible for you since you now all live together?
I have no idea. She up and randomly tried to take and cut the meat from Dad at the dinner table last night – something my dad doesn’t need help with and I have never seen her do before. I mean I have seen her try to take over shit with other things but not like that when someone is trying to cut food.
She sounds like my father’s wife….
Ah-ha! Weird, I was just looking for this the other day. I knew I had posted it somewhere about my mother doing this. She didn’t do this exact behavior again but was similar last Tuesday with my appointment and before that over the weekend with my son.
Some people are less than humane