Well I thought I made it through the week quietly until Saturday. That’s when my youngest goblin (Little Bear in case there was any confusion) just HAD to throw a monster of a monkey wrench into life, the universe, and quite possibly the toilet as well. I just hope my dad can fix said toilet soon and with little fuss as possible. No one likes to pee in a bucket but that’s what we’ll be doing until we get out of the pipes whatever the hell it was he flushed down in there. And no at this point in my life I wouldn’t be surprised at all if we were to find an actual monkey wrench inside the pipes. I jest but you know… chaos is my life and defies logic more often than not. And with this child you just never know.

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Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1

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Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

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Sunday ~ January 8, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 8:30am – 10.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
• 600mg Ibuprophen @ 12pm
• 600mg Ibuprophen @ 6pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

• 4 cups coffee
• biscuits
• pork roast, boiled potatoes, carrots

Notes

• Mom was in rare form all day – her target: Dad, any time he tried to do anything she swooped in and tried to take over – it was like watching my husband all over again today – very uncomfortable to witness and it came to a head shortly after dinner
• Of course this meant that Dad had to target me before going to bed with his bullshit concerns about Scholar Owl’s homeschooling
• I am so tired of being caught between the middle and being the whipping child in their passive-aggressive toxic mess – it’s fucking old and they don’t see it at all no matter what is ever said
• Spent the day downstairs all day working on the boxes of dishes while reading my novel and labeling the scenes in it

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Monday ~ January 9, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

• 4 cups of coffee
• 2 bologna and cheese sandwiches on wheat

Notes

• spent the day doing pretty much nothing, finished up the dishes this morning and got the boys’ laundry done and then sort of hung out with my dad and brother
• feeling bored as shit for the most part
• no writing done, no revision done

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Tuesday ~ January 10, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8:30pm, up at 4am – 7.5 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

• 4 cups of coffee
• Dad’s homemade pork fried rice

Notes

• doing the therapy lobby’s version of the mood tracker makes me wonder if I’m sliding over into “hover over the edge of depression” mode again so I’ve changed my mood numbers for the week based on my actual behavioral habits thus far – namely increased spike of the sleep and plunging drop in the interest of doing shit I like to do and weeping over “girlie” shit (oh look at the puppies being cute kind of shit – well not exactly, but you get the idea I hope – I mean I’m getting emo over commercials! bleh)

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Wednesday ~ January 11, 2017

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 600mg Ibuprophen @ 6pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee
• 3 fried eggs, bacon, 4 slices of wheat toast
• 12oz can of Dr. Pepper
• 1 pc Fried Chicken

Notes

• seems like a lot of random ass shit is making me cry lately – songs, movies, TV, and weird ass stupid, intrusive thoughts

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Thursday ~ January 12, 2017

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6:30am, 8.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 2tsp Robatussin @ 8:30am
• 600mg Ibuprophen @ 10am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

• 12oz can Dr. Pepper
• 1 Cup of Coffee
• 2 plates of Pork Fried Rice
• Chicken Nuggets and Potato Puffs (2 plates with both)

Notes

• fucking head and chest cold just will not quit, just when I start to feel better it fucking rolls back over me
• craving something hard all day but I have no idea what it is
• starting to wish my mini fridge had snack foods in it – but what exactly??!
• picked up Tuxedo Cat from school today because he was complaining of a headache and neck pain – he isn’t able to swallow pills and I felt it was easier for me to just bring him home and have him rest with a rice pack

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Friday ~ January 13, 2017

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 5:30am – 8.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 2tsp Robatussin @ 8am
• 2tsp Robatussin @ 3pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee
• 12oz can of Dr. Pepper
• 2 Bagel Thins with Butter
• Sub Sandwich
• Leftover Pork Roast

Notes

• made some progress with revision on my novel and got my brain thinking about it some more and took some notes about it
• don’t know what it was today, maybe it was the unusual warmer weather, but I felt bored and my joints ached
• the boys didn’t really want to do anything with me other than Little Bear who just wanted to be silly which I guess was fine
• tried to play the classic Resident Evil game, Little Bear stated I had to play Chris in the newer RE7 costume and SOMEHOW I managed to play myself into a dead end because I misused the small keys and couldn’t remember the order that you’re supposed to find them in – like wtf? so I couldn’t get the fertilizer I needed *sigh* this is why I prefer playing Jill because those stupid small keys are… STUPID, I really should try to play his run through more often though but honestly why does the guy have less inventory space in this game? again, stupid.

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Saturday ~ January 14, 2017

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm night before, up at 5:30am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

Meals

• 5 cups of coffee
• 1 snack bag of Utz brand party mix (the brand is MSG free!)
• 2 snack bags of Utz brand white cheddar popcorn
• 4 snack squares of mild cheddar
• Steak, Mashed Potatoes, Carrots

Notes

• started my morning with a cup of coffee and this mood tracker, it’s almost 6am now, me thinks I’ll tackle Resident Evil again as Chris – on very easy – and TRY to remember how to play this damn game, Scholar Owl was kind enough to get it for me for my birthday and it’s hard to believe that I used to play this all the time when it first came out back on the PS1, I feel like such a damn noob on it now it’s been that long – in some ways it makes it kind of fun in that respect because I’m not just powering through like a pro, not that I was ever a pro with this game but I was able to get through without dying and without saves which were my only bragging rights – I was never like that dude that got through the original game in Japan in two hours on Chris using just the knife. And he taped it as proof. Like wtf dude. Kudos. Me? Fuck that shit. I’m going to blow everything up with whatever I find.
• I beat the game in Hard mode on Jill. The Chris run still sucks balls but I did get through it on Very Easy mode. Having Little Bear as your gaming audience also sucks balls. He’s never played the game but talks like an expert and keeps walking in front of the screen. Dude, I know I have taught you better than this.
• My parents had an ugly fight over the chore chart my mother made. My dad called her out on how she set it up so she has next to nothing to do all week. He called her out on how while my brother lived here she asked nothing of my sister-in-law, but here she is dumping the bulk of the cleaning on the boys and I when just like them we live upstairs. She pulled her “I’m putting my headphones on and I’m going to ignore you now” shit on him. Dad was hostile. Yes, I did tell Mom to set up the chore chart however she wanted before we ever moved in. I didn’t want Dad bitching about us doing nothing the way he did about my sister-in-law. Apparently there is more behind this behavior than just “laziness” that I don’t know about. I’m not getting into it. Dad told me if I wanted a chore chart to talk to Mom. So I told her to set the damn thing up. She did. There is only one day for one person I want a change made. She has Tuxedo Cat cleaning the bathroom sink, sweeping the bathroom floor, cleaning his room (which involves an inspection, vacuuming, and changing of bed sheets), and doing the dishes all in one day. I don’t think he should be cleaning the bathroom the same day he’s doing dishes. It’s gross. Dad says the poor kid is going to be busy with chores all day. I didn’t think of that but I can’t argue that either given how Tuxedo Cat isn’t used to all this. But seriously the person in charge of cleaning the bathroom shouldn’t also be doing the dishes that day. We are talking about a kid here who is likely to half ass things like… I don’t know forget to wash his hands or something. Do we really want to be policing everything every second of the day? I do not. It’s stressful and I think that those who enjoy it are freaks. Not sorry. So yeah, I think he should do the bathroom cleaning on a different day than the dishes.
• Dad and I decided that I should have snack foods up in my living room because it would help me eat more and it would help me keep track of what my boys are snacking on (in theory). I haven’t been buying the snack foods because Tuxedo Cat is overweight and should be focused on healthier eating habits BUT the rest of us can use the extra calories. Between his age and his Autism, Tuxedo Cat should not be on a calorie restricted diet. Period. I feel uncomfortable teaching him to count calories and restrict himself when in theory it shouldn’t be a lifetime thing. I don’t want to accidently teach him to have an eating disorder. I don’t want to accidently teach him he is fat and ugly because he’s not. That’s not what’s happening here. It’s normal for a child to gain weight just before a growth spurt and what should happen is that the child grows into that weight. The last four growth spurts he’s had some extra weight after. Which means he’s gaining more than just what he needs to grow. Ideally he should be more physically active to burn up that extra. It’s a habit that will do him a world of good for a lifetime if I can just get him to develop it. He’s reaching a point where growth spurts are going to slow down and stop so yes, he needs to learn to be physically active before his weight becomes a crisis.
• Little Bear somehow plugged the toilet with at least one entire roll of toilet paper in such a way that Dad now has to take it apart to unplug the pipe. We all suspect that he flushed something else down in there but he isn’t saying what because even the pipe snake isn’t clearing it. Dad says it feels jammed, like a wash cloth or something. I could have sworn I thought I heard Little Bear say something about the baby wipes before my parents came home from grocery shopping when I was trying to plunge the damn thing but now he’s swearing up and down it’s only toilet paper. My bets are on those baby wipes meant for my nephew that are not flushable. So now I’m going to have to go back to supervising Little Bear’s use of the toilet again. Last time was because the crazy landlady accused us for the small pair underpants in the pipe just outside the sewer tank but at the time there was another tenant with a son who was in Little Bear’s class. I felt like it didn’t prove anything but I decided to watch my son like a hawk in the bathroom anyway just because he likes to flood things in general. No idea what his deal was with water. Now… I’m not so sure I can claim his innocence for back then. And the part that concerns me the most in all of this is there is no remorse or regret coming from this child. No fucks are given. He’s been grounded from all electronics and he’s completely uncaring about it. The only thing that seems to bother him is being reminded that he did it and it will not be tolerated. But hell even I can only rant for so long. This is so much bullshit. He fucking did this and it’s left to other people to fucking fix it. And he doesn’t fucking give a shit. I don’t know what to do with this kid. I want him to understand that his behavior has a cause and effect and it impacts other people. His little world does not exist in a vacuum and the great big world out there doesn’t revolve around him. He NEEDS to understand that but for some reason he’s not getting it. I suppose this is the biggest reason why he was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder because even people with Impulse Control Disorders typically understand the impact they have on others, it’s just “I think it, therefore I do it.” Many of them feel bad about it immediately after it’s done. I rarely see remorse, regret, or guilt from Little Bear. Yes, I hear him say “Sorry” but it’s usually when he wants something – like wanting me to unground him. I’m raising 3 children. They all have the same set of rules and expectations. Only one is turning out this way. Do you have any idea how quick people are to blame me as the parent? Logic tells me that if it was my parenting skills all 3 of my children would be like this. BUT for the sake of argument, fine it’s me. I ask these fucking people what I can do to change as a parent. Either I get crickets for a response or I’m told to beat his ass (I’m assuming they mean spanking and not really physically abuse my child). What they don’t understand is this child is already prone to being physically violent. I fail to see how spanking is suppose to teach this child not to use violence or physical force on another person. It doesn’t matter what I spank him for, I’ll be teaching him physical force is the correct course of action. This isn’t a normal child we’re talking about here. So I’m standing here left in the dark wondering how I’m going to get this child to understand he needs to stop doing this shit.

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