This week has been rough, but I lived.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ February 12, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 8am
- 1000mg Fish Oil @ 8am
- Vit B Complex Supplement @ 8am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- Prebiotic capsule @ 7pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- 8 oz bag of Starburst sour gummies
- a handful of Twizzlers
- 2 servings of homemade lasagna (yea, Mom is cool like that)
Notes
- no idea where this sweet tooth is coming from
Monday ~ February 13, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
- 1000mg Fish Oil @ 8:30am
- Vit B Complex Supplement @ 8:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- Prebiotic capsule @ 7pm
Meals
- 3 cups of Coffee
- 2 slices of pizza
Notes
- no public school due to blizzard
Tuesday ~ February 14, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at I don’t remember, up at 7am
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 1000mg Fish Oil @ 7am
- Vit B Complex Supplement @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- Prebiotic capsule @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of coffee
- 3 pieces of sub sandwich
- 3 slices of pizza
Notes
- 2 hour delay for school
- didn’t go to therapy because I couldn’t be in two places at once
- Mom asked me about my appointment four times in four different ways – finally told her, calmly, that I’m not “5 yrs old, I’m an adult, and I don’t need her to take over” she went outside, I took the boys to the bus while Dad was plowing the driveway, I came back inside and drank my coffee, Dad came inside upset and raised his voice about me jumping Mom’s shit – @_@ – telling me that Mom is just trying to help and isn’t trying to control me and I need to just let it go, and goes on to say that this isn’t working that they let me move in here to help me out so I can straighten myself out (like what the fuck does that even mean?) and if it’s not going to work I can’t be here, so I tell him the problem isn’t just the thing with the appointment it’s also about the thing with Little Bear, she had also stepped in multiple times when I was working with him to get him to clean his room (giving him a time out until he apologized to me after I got him to calm down and another time him he could have a soda when I told him he couldn’t), so he then said that’s not the point that she is just trying to help and I need to let it go, and I told him that is the point that it’s not helping that it’s making it worse, he doesn’t need two mothers with two different sets of rules and I tell him that she does with me what she does to him ALL THE TIME, (you know like taking the pork roast right out of his hands and start cutting it for him – she really fucking does this kind of shit to him) and Dad then relaxes with this big old tired sigh saying he shouldn’t be blowing up at her either and I told him I didn’t even raise my voice I just told her I wasn’t 5 yrs old and I was handling it, then he said he was tired of being caught in the middle – I hear that! I’m sick of her passive-aggressive bullshit, based on Dad’s behavior she gave him the impression that I yelled at her – and we talked later about her being the helicopter parent, but I don’t think Dad made the connection here – any way Dad told me I have to sit down with her and tell her my expectations (fucking awesome)
- so I finished my coffee and I set to the task on finishing up with the last four boxes of shit I had left in the living room because it was the ONLY THING I could think of that could have been what the yelling was about Monday morning that I wasn’t doing for cleaning…. no, that wasn’t it… at all…. I find in the chair next to those boxes all nice and washes FIVE outfits belonging to Tuxedo Cat all nicely washed. He is the only child of mine that changes his clothes in the bathroom and puts his dirty clothes in the bathroom hamper. Everyone else in my little family puts their dirty laundry in our hamper upstairs. My mother and I are the only two people on the chores list who have been assigned laundry…. I didn’t wash those five outfits. My mother takes it upon herself to include them in my parents’ laundry because they are there rather than sort them out and set them aside and then bitches about it because I’m not washing them. She has bitched about it to me in my face. More than once. I have told her, set them aside and I will wash them with the rest of the boys’ laundry. No I don’t fold the boys’ laundry. It all stays in baskets in my room because it never fails, I put them in their dressers and it all ends up on the fucking floor. At least in my room it stays in the basket and stays clean. That, and I HATE FOLDING LAUNDRY WITH A PASSION. So it seems because of that I’m not cleaning.
- So she comes in and sits at her computer – but doesn’t put head phones on, but does the whole, “I’m not talking to you” body language shit. So I had to do the whole “I’m sorry I pissed you off” speech that I didn’t feel. And then I had to go through the entire speech AGAIN of how my style of parenting is following Little Bear’s MEDICAL care plan. And I even invited her to Little Bear’s med clinic appointments. She tells me she has to work and tells me how I seem overwhelmed. I tell her I am overwhelmed but I still have to follow the care plan. And Dad comes in during this conversation and I state again that I think it would be good for them to come in during the appointments so they could ask questions about the diagnosis and care plan but NEITHER ONE OF THEM SEEMED INTERESTED. It’s like they would just rather be the ones who are right and talking to the doctors means they aren’t. And maybe they fucking know that already.
Wednesday ~ February 15, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 3 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 2A
Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 7am – 5 hours of sleep (battle of wills with Little Bear – NOT FUCKING HAPPY)
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
- 1000mg Fish Oil @ 7:30am
- Vit B Complex Supplement @ 7:30am
- 600mg Ibuprophen @ 9am
- 600mg Ibuprophen @ 5pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- Prebiotic capsule @7pm
Meals
- large coffee from gas station
- bacon, egg, cheese, biscuit sandwich from gas station
- 3 cups of coffee
- 1 bowl of mac & tomato meat sauce Scholar Owl made
Notes
- Little Bear’s med clinic appointment – fucking doctor today… new one never seen before BUT this is the one who’s name is on all the bottles that the med orders that have been fucked up on – she comes in, doesn’t speak to me beyond hello, doesn’t even try to shake my hand, barely even looks at me as she walks by to sit down next to the nurse, glances at the chart and says “this patient doesn’t take a stimulant, I shouldn’t be here, you’re supposed to call someone else” – the nurse appologizes and then tells her I, the mother, want to go over options concerning the neuropsych eval from the outside clinic, this doctor says “what’s our current diagnosis for him?” – doesn’t ask what the results of the neuropsych was or what my thoughts were or anything about that, she doesn’t even look at me or my son – the nurse tells her the alphabet soup and her immediate response is “let’s put him on an atypical anti-psychotic” @_@ and this is when I remember my sister telling me “If a doctor ever takes one look at a diagnosis and nothing else and tries to change the meds, that’s when you need to tell the doctor good bye.” but GOD BLESS THE NURSE and she says, “the family history contraindicates anti-psychotics, too many have responded poorly – especially the mother” and the doctor says “that doesn’t mean he will” (a HUGE body of genetic research disproves the doctor’s statement by the way), so I start arguing with her (I have a FUCKING MIGRAINE TODAY AND I’M PISSED BECAUSE THE NEUROPSYCH DOCUMENTATION DID NOT GET MAILED IN TIME AS PROMISED TO ANY OF THE LOCATIONS AS PROMISED FOR THIS FUCKING APPOINTMENT SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PROPERLY DISCUSS OPTIONS? AND NOW THIS DOCTOR WON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME) I tell her my grandmother is a patient here and gets worse on anti-psychotics, I am a patient here and get worse on anti-psychotics, I have a sister that works here and tracks the meds of every family member and knows who responds to what and I can ask her about the anti-psychotics (it wasn’t until I was driving home that I realized that I never mentioned Piggie’s name). She got this strange look on her face. Her eyes narrowed, her gaze shifted, and her lips pursed. And then she changed her attitude towards me. She asked the nurse what Little Bear was taking and what have we already trialed. She told the doctor we have only tried the Depakote, and Guanfacine (long and short acting) – which was horrible by the way – and we have switched him to Lamictal, 25mg twice a day, which is making a dramatic improvement. Her response? “Oh then we should definitely maximize the benefits of that before adding or changing anything.” And then she gets up and stands by the door to add this little dig about the benefits of anti-psychotics. She kept focusing on the Conduct Disorder when the neuropsych eval points to Bipolar and possibly ADHD, meaning Conduct Disorder is incorrect – but she didn’t fucking want to talk to me about that. Fucking. Bitch. I DO NOT WANT A 7-YEAR-OLD ON AN ANTI-PSYCHOTIC BEFORE WE HAVE EXHAUSTED ALL OTHER OPTIONS. There are TOO MANY side effects. Dangerous side effects that alter child development and growth. Abilify: drastic, sudden obesity and uncontrolled, aggressive appetite. Risperdal: man boobs and lactation. And that’s just the tip of the fucking iceberg with these just two meds. Trying only two mood stabilizers at this point is NOT exhausting our options. I’m still trying to figure out how to get therapy for this child because I believe he needs it. I got him in for two appointments, then the therapist felt he was unresponsive and that it was a waste of time. THIS WAS JUST TWO FUCKING APPOINTMENTS. The same therapist that Scholar Owl has by the way… which gives me pause. It almost makes me wonder if Scholar Owl would be better suited with a therapist in the adult wing. Almost…. I kind of wish he had my therapist. I think the two of them would hit it off well. She lets me talk about the most random shit and I think that’s what he needs. But I have no say in that.
- I finally called the insurance company about the address – apparently it’s been taken care of, but I don’t remember doing it – so either I did it and forgot or my husband did and got the address correct – which just further confirms to me those meds were stolen because according to my dad, the company would have gotten the meds back if the address had been messed up to the point there was no location to actually leave them at and the company would have notified us and we didn’t get that notification and they weren’t set to my parents’ house either, so he must have updated the address when I told him about the creepy neighbors and the meds suddenly going missing for the first time since living there – just would have been nice that he told me about it and I could have avoided the bullshit with fucked up phone orders – well with that doctor… maybe not
Thursday ~ February 16, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A
Hours of Sleep: night before: bed at 7pm, up at 9pm top put kids to bed, bed at 9pm, woke up sometimes in the middle of the night to chase Little Bear back to bed, immediately fell back to sleep (I think), up at 5am – fucked if I know how this shit translates into total hours truthfully with an active migraine
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 600mg Ibuprophen @ 5:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- Prebiotic capsule @7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
- 1000mg Fish Oil @ 7:30pm
- Vit B Complex Supplement @ 7:30pm
- (yes… I totally somehow took my evening shit in the morning, good thing it totally does not. fucking. matter. I just don’t feel like taking a fist full of supplements all in one shot)
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- chicken nuggets and potato puffs
Notes
- migraine pain is less than yesterday’s but aura is worse – my eyes FEEL fucked up somehow, and it’s hard to focus this morning, but at least the tinnitus has backed off compared to yesterday
- my face this evening has that stupid “nerve fuzz” going on – the whole face, mostly in the cheeks – fucking awesome, I forget what the side effect symptom is really called though, sorry but it is from the Topamax and I know it’s because I went without it for a week because I haven’t had this happen for awhile
Friday ~ February 17, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1
Hours of Sleep: bed at I don’t know, up at 6:30am
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- according to the med box I forgot my morning meds but I remember giving Little Bear his
- 600mg Ibuprophen @ 9am
- 600mg Ibuprophen @ 6pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- Prebiotic capsule @7pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
Notes
- fucking brain fog, feel like I can’t even write
- picked up Little Bear from school today at 1pm due to him attacking teachers – his explanation? he has an evil spirit inside him that is too strong – damn social worker was sitting with him when I arrived letting him draw a picture of it, no conversation about how we need to take ownership of our behavior, fucking bullshit – so sure let’s just be an asshole whenever we feel like going home and these people don’t fucking catch on to this shit?
Saturday ~ February 18, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night before, up at 7am – 8.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 8am
- 1000mg Fish Oil @ 8am
- Vit B Complex Supplement @ 8am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
- Prebiotic capsule @7:30pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- homemade biscuits & hamburger gravy, potatoes, green beans
Notes
- Little Bear was cranked today
- Little Bear has gone into “No Sleep Mode” – *insert your expletive of choice here, I don’t care* (it’s 2am here Sunday morning right now, I’m tired)
- starting to notice a distinct trend with my writing… Like the “Toadie pieces” either people really like them or they don’t, there doesn’t appear to be any middle ground with them – he’s adorable or annoying (or creepy) – the Nusquamton series is already starting to show the same trend and I’ve only posted two episodes so I’m thinking this means it showing me who my readers are: my audience readers are interested, asking the rights questions, and are even getting excited but the non-audience readers are “meh” at best or “what the fuck is this?” – I think this is a good sign