No Reset Button

I feel overwhelmed and alone today. Just this Tuesday I told my therapist I feel like I am wasting away but I wasn’t able to explain why. Although I’m not doing anything different with my life from one day to the next, I feel frozen to inaction from anxiety.

I am a waste of space when shit needs to be done.

I have a legal form that needs to be filled out and sent in and the clock is ticking. Time is running out.

The homeschool portfolio hasn’t even been started to be assembled and the clock is ticking on that too. Already I have a late fee on that to pay.

What the fuck am I doing?

I just want to curl up and shut down. But I know where this will go. Life doesn’t come with a restart button. No levels, no saves, no do overs. Just one long continuous stream of chaos I can’t seem to keep my head above right now.

And this is where I remember that if I need help that I should ask for it but this the kind of help that when I do ask for it I either can’t get it for whatever reason or I get punished in some way for needing it. Most of all right now I don’t need a lecture about the homeschooling or the divorce in any way, shape, or form, thank you very much.

I have no desire to hear how superior you are with your lack of knowledge, information, or answers to my life’s problems right now.

I just need to get that fucking form sent in before the 26th and the portfolio sent in ASAP so their letter of determination can be sent in by the first day of public school. That’s it. That’s all.

And in all of this I need to find a new fucking lawyer because my husband signed up with the one I originally found before I could pay the guy to help me.

I feel like I’m sinking and I haven’t figured out how to climb my way back up yet. Something’s wrong and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe I haven’t titrated my med fast enough since getting it back? I don’t fucking know.

My mind’s a fucking mess and I don’t like it.

One thought on “No Reset Button

  1. Pingback: Toad’s Weekly Assessment #52 | The Art of Chaos

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