I admit I didn’t keep a mood tracker last week. Sorry about that. For what it’s worth, after posting last Wednesday, I did increase the Topamax to 75mg twice a day and as of this morning I do feel as though my anxiety has backed off somewhat.

Menses started on the 20th as well so I’m guessing what I’ve been feeling the pass week may have been a bit of a mixed state based on how I felt and on my sleep habits. I still feel like all I want to do is sleep but I no longer feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.

Still trying to wrap my head around Chester’s suicide. For those that don’t know, he was the lead singer for Linkin Park.

He was 41 years old and I’ll be turning 41 later this year. This band has provided me comfort for many years. A long time really. I graduated in 1994 and they came out in 1996. So their music emerged during my emerging adulthood and has been around my entire adult life.

I don’t know how to express how or why this ripples through me the way it does. It just does.

Their lyrics always let me know that I’m not alone. Not with my fear. Not with my anger. Not with my overwhelming inner shit. Not with my grasping for hope. Their music reminds me that there are people out there that understand and get it.

I guess my biggest concern is him and I are from the same generation and he so often expressed the same types of emotions I deal with every day in his music. And now he’s dead because of it. Granted, he fought some different demons than I do but still…

It only makes me want to keep my shit together better even more now.

Now I did mention once before that I couldn’t figure out why I keep coming back to Motionless in White and listening to their music. I’m still on the fence with the genre BUT, I did discover late last night what’s been drawing me to them:

And as always Seether warms my heart. I wish I had the money for the tickets last weekend because I live within driving distance of that show they were talking about here. I’m also pretty certain that Kindred, a local Maine band, opened the show too. Fucking awesome that Nick is the lead singer of his own band now. I met him back when he was with his brother, Bryon, in Empty Head. (Oh, to be 19 again – if only for the music!) Would have been sweet just to hear his band play if nothing else.

And a side note and follow up to Wednesday’s post: yes, I got the court paperwork taken care of and the post office told me that by mailing overnight it was guaranteed to be there no later than Monday or my money back. Whatever, just needs to be at the district court before the 26th. So the court house near me advised me to meet up with my hubby’s lawyer and draw up a pre-divorce agreement on everything where it’s supposed to be mutual to avoid mediation since he’s now overseas to save us money. I guess it would be a fast way to find out if my hubby is being honest with me. If he’s lying about giving me custody of Little Bear, then his lawyer won’t help me and tell me to find my own lawyer.

And yes, last night my hubby confirmed he is overseas when he called with a horrible connection. It upset Little Bear something awful that he couldn’t really hear him but that’s something that he will need to get used to. So I find myself wondering why he told us while he was visiting they would be sending him over next month. It appears that the court paperwork I signed was accurate after all. They sent him immediately after he got back from his leave.

I’m so tired of his bullshit, lies, and misdirection. Dad said it will be over soon but no, it won’t be. As long as we have Little Bear between us, I will always have to deal with this. The only thing this divorce changes is it will set me free and legally fix him to a set amount of money for Little Bear’s care. The state will collect it and I won’t have to beg or fight with him for it anymore.

And yes, I’m aware it will be less than what I’m getting now, but his name won’t be on my bank account anymore either. I’ll be able to get a job or get aid and not worry about him taking the money like he has in the past. I won’t have to worry about someone hovering over me with the threat of taking a dime away from me for whatever fucking reason. And let me tell you people: this is the last time anyone’s name is ever going on my bank account. Don’t fucking care who you are or how much you love me.

I refuse to burn like this again.

Now to get the homeschool portfolio assembled and mailed ASAP. Oh… and get my fucking dental work taken care of too. Bleh.