I’m slowly coming to the understanding that being a Pantster/Plantster in NaNoWriMo is probably not the best way for me to go. It’s too easy for me to derail and meander around without having that clear cut outline to guide me. I may end up drafting a proper outline before the month is over. We’ll see.
Looking at the mood tracker and seeing the energy and word counts drop over the course of the week I find myself wondering if having that outline would help combat the lack of focus and motivation.
Meanwhile, the topic of self care is still lurking about in my head and demanding attention. Not sure what I have to offer just yet or what would even be interesting for me to explore on the subject. I haven’t forgotten about it.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ November 5, 2017
Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at about midnight, up at 6am (well, 5am due to time change)
– 6 hours total (or is it 5? fucked if I know)
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- STILL NO MEDS – can I just leave this blank until I fix the problem?
Meals
- 6 cups of coffee
- 3 tuna salad on wheat
- pork, potatoes, corn
Notes
- total word count for the month: 6325
- today’s word count goal: 3675
- word count for the day: 0 (worked on a video instead – need to set myself a daily work flow schedule I think)
Monday ~ November 6, 2017
Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm, up at 5am – 7.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
Meals
- 7 cups of coffee (yeah…. we’re totally not in write mode or nothing – hit the five cup mark before dinner)
- 2 roast beef sandwiches on white
- 2 pieces of lasagna (the Italian style Great Value brand – not bad, didn’t taste as salty to me as some of the other brands, but still doesn’t beat what Mom makes from scratch)
Notes
- total word count for the month: 12,979
- today’s word count goal: 5675
- word count for the day: 6472
Tuesday ~ November 7, 2017
Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm the night before, up at 3am – 6.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- 1 large coffee from the gas station
- 1 pumpkin muffin with cream cheese filling from the gas station
- smoked sausage and potatoes
Notes
- total word count for the month: 14,145
- today’s word count goal: 1203
- word count for the day: 1348
Wednesday ~ November 8, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- 4 packets of instant oatmeal with 4 slices of wheat toast (can I just take a moment to appreciate how I can eat right now without it feeling like a chore or making me feel slightly ill just thinking about it)
- 2 pieces of leftover lasagna
Notes
- total word count for the month: 15,481
- today’s word count goal: 1855
- word count for the day: 1336
- Little Bear got an “all smiles” day at school today! :O
- I need to start making sure I get more rest, not sure if I’m still leaning towards the hypomanic side or not, but my body feels exhausted today – felt it coming on yesterday
Thursday ~ November 9, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6am – 5.5 hours total
(I know, totally did not get the rest like I planned, but by the time the boys went to bed, I was wide awake)
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- 1 “double shot” coffee (same size mug, but 2 K-cups to fill it instead of the one and it still didn’t energize me tonight)
- 2 packets of instant oatmeal (I don’t think the gingerbread spice is as good as the pumpkin spice – the gingerbread one has a much milder flavor, I prefer the boldness like the cinnamon spice and pumpkin spice ones)
- 2 roast beef sandwiches on white
- fried egg and hashed potatoes with cheese
Notes
- total word count for the month: 15,481
- today’s word count goal: 2519
- word count for the day: 829
- family lunch event at Little Bear’s school
- Tuxedo Cat’s piano practice
- scheduled a bunch more of the prompts but couldn’t seem to get my creative writing groove on today and by the time the evening rolled it, I was pretty damn exhausted – at least I fought of the longing for a nap so I wouldn’t miss the lunch event
Friday ~ November 10, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 5:30am (we were hit by a brief, but nasty sounding hailstorm) – 5.5 hours total – plus 4.5 hour nap between 11am – 3:30pm
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- cheese, crackers and hard salami
- 1 12oz. glass of Coke
- 1 slice of pepperoni pizza
Notes
- total word count for the month: 16,310
- today’s word count goal: 3690
- word count for the day: 585
- prompt 7 is killing me – I tried a second draft of the damn thing and once again it went nowhere with boring shit so I took a break and played FFXI, it’s occurred to me that I may need to write this chapter from the POV of a different character – meanwhile I’m falling even more begin on my plan
- I honestly don’t feel like writing today, like how sad is that? part of me says I should just skip this chapter and move forward and come back to it later but I know if I do that I’ll end up with a butt load of revisions later that I would rather avoid
- I think my problem is I’m just physically tired for some reason rather than boredom or writer’s block or whatever – although I must say switching to a different character’s POV for Chapter 7 finally got it moving.
Saturday ~ November 11, 2017
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total – napped roughly between 2:30pm and 4:30pm (woke up a lot) for 2 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
Meals
- 1 cup of coffee with hot chocolate in it
- 3 cups of coffee
- 2 12oz. glasses of Coke
- 2 slices of leftover pizza
- chicken nuggets and potato puffs
Notes
- total word count for the month: 18,949
- today’s word count goal: 5105
- word count for the day: 2054
- cracked out the space heater this morning – all night last night my room stayed below 70°F and by the time I called it a night it was down to 65°F (I realize most people won’t find this to be cold, but I’m most comfortable at 80°F) – did have some trouble finding it until I dug out the winter blankets for the boys – an hour later and the corner in my room where my desk sits by the window is up to 75°F which makes a HUGE difference
- Mom told me tonight that I can come across as “condemning” at times, when I asked her to explain, she said I have this attitude that I will live my life the way I want to and they need to butt out… my immediate reaction was, “That’s not what condemning means.” Then she tried to say “condoning” and I told her that’s not what that word means either. When we got home, I looked up the word “condescending” because I think that’s the word she was looking for. In any case, it got to me and burrowed into my head. It came up because I made the comment that I’m tired of trying to life the way everyone keeps telling me to. And fucking motivation came up again. I told her that any time her and Dad complain about lack of motivation is when we aren’t doing whatever it is they want. She didn’t have a response to that but did push the matter further with how she wanted to see me move forward and progress and sometimes I need to be pushed to do that. So I asked her in what way do I need to move forward and progress. All I got was some bullshit about “doing things, and being physically active.” So I called her out on it by reminding her about the time she told me that now that I was forty I should have a house and a career with a family by now. She claimed that never happened and I told her it did, right in the kitchen between the table and the fridge. This is when she shifted gears and started talking about Dad and Little Bear. So I shifted on her and started talking about how my ex gaslighted me and how that falls under abuse. She doesn’t want to face anything with me head on and I don’t even know if she caught the parallel here. I even tried to move on with the topic of boundaries. She just continued on her way with implying it was all Dad’s fault. Like always. I have different problems with Dad, but at least him and I for the most part are willing to be direct about it. And in all of this, I’m finding myself wondering why a certain member of my family accused me of having delusions regarding my mother, when this person won’t visit unless things are going well between them (as in both of my parents). I don’t know if that’s intentional, but it’s how it comes across to me. So the idea that Mom feels I’m being a bitch of some kind just because I don’t want them meddling in my affairs has been a thorn in my side all evening. I don’t even know why this bugs me as much as it does. I have no idea what she was hoping to accomplish with that and maybe that’s what’s really getting to me. I’m so tired of this game.