End of the Day Assessment

It’s 9pm and I’ve only got the 194 words I wrote this morning before therapy and errands done so far. I have no clue as to why I’m so tired physically, but I am. So at 3pm I took a nap.

This morning I remembered that the state had sent me a letter stating they were holding unclaimed property for me so I spent a good chunk of the morning sorting and tossing paper clutter looking for that letter. Found it and it had the URL to take care of it online. Just need to get the printed form notarized and mailed now.

It’s kind of embarrassing and annoying that the unclaimed property even exists. Over fifty child support checks that expired since getting married and before the state just gave me an account for them to automatically deposit the money into. But there was a phase there my ex was draining the check book faster than I could put money into it. So I’d wait until I needed the money for the boys or groceries and cash it at the store. Sometime the check would get misplaced doing that and so… that’s why they have this chunk of money for me now.

So after therapy this morning I paid this month’s rent on the storage unit and took Scholar Owl to Walmart and bought him all his winter gear. I took him to the men’s section where they had the outdoor work coats. Yes the coat cost me $60 (all things considered, that’s still pretty cheap) but he should now be able to help with the wood without tearing up his coat. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get the other two taken care of.

Between that unclaimed property and what the court awarded me in the divorce (just a lump sum), I know it’s over what I can have in savings if we want Medicaid coverage. But I’ll be damned if I just dump that money on stupid shit. Told Mom today (without telling her the amounts) what my plans were for it. Winter gear and make sure they all have clothes that fit. She thought it was a good plan since it’s built up child support and should be spent on the boys. Once that’s done I’ll use whatever is left for Christmas shopping for the boys.

I don’t know what I’ll do with the lump sum. Take the car in and get it inspected at the very least. The dashboard is still fucked up but I don’t know if it’s worth fixing that. The last time my engine light came on, the chip reader said it was because the engine was running too cold – and this was in the summer. It’s always telling me the driver door is open. We had to disable the interior light to keep it from draining the battery (because the door sensor is convinced the door is open). The radio clock randomly flashes and blinks – to the point I seldom turn it on. It’s worse when it rains. And with all of that going on with this car, Mom was offended when I called it a clunker.

The car drives fine, but electrical work is expensive. So expensive my parents decided to buy a new car and give me this one. I’m not griping. Just debating as to whether it’s worth sinking money into something that might be a potential ongoing problem. I worry that it’ll be one of those things where you fix one thing in the dashboard only to have something else in it break. Kind of like how the frame of my old car was. It reached a point that even the mechanic refused to touch it. Let me just say rust rot in the frame is not cool.

No, I don’t have anywhere near enough for a down payment on a used car – never mind a new one. Like I said, it drives fine. It’s just the dashboard is crazy. If all else fails I can dump it into the college loan. But it pisses me off you’re not allowed to have much of anything for a safety net. We live in the sticks so you HAVE to have a car to get anywhere. But god forbid I save up money to hold in the event the car breaks down. God forbid I save up money to buy a new car. I drive an hour one way just to get to our mental health appointments. With that kind of mileage racking up on a regular basis, I can promise you I won’t be buying anything fancy.

I could rant for a very long time about how much of a trap I think the system is, but then it would mean not getting any novel writing done.

I think the source of my fear right now is knowing I won’t have the money buffer my brain says I need to have. The last time my son received SSI the savings cap was below $2k. Not sorry, but that’s not enough to fix shit.

Speaking of fears, when I brought it up with my therapist today her response was to tell me that she’ll follow up with the referral she had put in for my neuropsych eval. I haven’t even gotten a confirmation call from anyone about it yet. It makes me wonder what the hell it was I said to trigger her concern. Once again she had commented that she thinks it’s more than just Bipolar and PTSD going on. She never says what it is she’s seeing, but as a therapist it’s not in her field of practice to diagnose anyone.

She did ask me if I thought I needed to be put on meds again. We went over the pros and cons of taking Topamax (the reality is that it works for me, but at a cost in side effects) and I told her that I’m at a point where I’d like to call the med clinic and ask them that since it’s been so long without meds if we could just skip the blood work for now and start the meds over. However, I don’t have any insurance right now. So how bad do I want the meds to shell out that chunk of money for a month’s worth? At the moment, winter gear for the boys is more important in my book. Meds will have to wait until I get their gear and see what I have left. Otherwise it’ll wait until insurance is back in place.

Things To-Do

  • notarize claims form and get it mailed
  • print off the Medicaid and SNAP forms from the state website
  • I think I told the therapist that I wanted a case manager referral put in when she asked me today so I’ll wait for next week to follow up on that since once that’s put in it’s a waiting game anyway
  • contact the legal office at the reserve base for their hours of business – maybe even take care of it over the phone
  • buy winter gear for the other two boys
  • get car inspected and whatever critical shit fixed that turns up (expecting the exhaust system to be on their hit list this time around)
  • KEEPING WRITING
  • finish the video, but likely for next week
  • feeling like I’m forgetting something on this list

Oh, the therapist said that there was nothing wrong with me filing for just SSI for myself if that’s what my self-esteem needs. Sometimes having the option of going into the workforce if/when you feel well enough to do it for however long it lasts is all some people need. And quite frankly, I’m kind of in favor of filing for something that doesn’t require a lawyer to make happen. Having said that, if they deny me for SSI then I know I wouldn’t have a prayer for disability.

Anyway, I could keep musing and rambling on forever, but then I wouldn’t be getting any novel writing done. I’m just hoping that by dumping the worries into this imaginary bucket I can then focus on the creative writing rather than fussing over all of that.

2 thoughts on “End of the Day Assessment

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