Last year I had resolved to focus on developing and holding better boundaries. I think I did alright. I still have a lot of progress to make, but I don’t feel pushed around and walked on as much as I used to. That’s got to count for something, right?
Little Bear got his neuropsych eval completed and the school district finally granted him an IEP. It was a long three year battle, but I think the war with getting this kid to participate in school is only just beginning. Right now he’s still doing everything he can think of to get kicked out. We’ll get there. Eventually.
The other major event for this year was me finally getting divorced. I’m still slogging through a mental swamp of trying to figure out what to do with myself now. I’ve spent most of this month unproductively brooding over that. It’s an odd place to be when you finally accepted the fact you can’t rescue someone that doesn’t want to be rescued and continues to deny services they need. I feel as though a large chunk of free time has been dumped on me that I don’t know what to do with on a productive level. This probably means that somewhere in my core being, I’m co-dependent.
Having said that, I think this year I’ll build upon last year’s resolution by focusing more on self-care. I’m going to allow myself to have this free time to explore the new me with a priority on remaining stable to the best of my ability.
Just a week or two before Christmas came, I had this impending sense of doom and a frequent tightening of my chest. I took the time to realize it was the early signs of a panic attack and at first I thought it meant my Bipolar was acting up. As the days went by, it occurred to me that this wasn’t symptoms of my Bipolar, but symptoms of my PTSD that I all too often pretend doesn’t exist.
My ex-husband often goes on leave and comes to visit us on Christmas. It always brings dread because it never fails to stir shit up to the point that Little Bear unravels and destabilizes and I’m left to pick up the pieces in the months to follow until his next visit. This year he didn’t come to visit and the boys have been calmer this vacation. Time will only tell if Little Bear will destabilize over the next few months like he has in the past (suggesting it’s a seasonal trigger) or not (suggesting it’s a situational trigger).
I’m not wound up this year like I have been in the past, I have suffered fewer migraines, and it’s been years since I last experienced a full-blown panic attack. All of this tells me just how important self-care really is and I have no desire to let any of it slide. No idea yet what improving upon that will look like, but I intend to continue experimenting and exploring various methods to figure out what works for me.
What are your plans for the new year?