Apparently I don’t have enough projects in my life. Maybe this is just my way of responding to the lack of constant crisis going on with my family? The sky isn’t falling and I don’t need to scramble around with damage control. The boys are doing well and even though I’m fairly certain I’ve slid into hypomania, I’m not in an acute need of care.
But it also means cramming creative projects into every spare moment I have. I’m slowly letting go of the guilt I feel about taking naps. It’s no longer about being selfish, but rather making sure I am as well as I can be. My brain often won’t let me sleep for substantial stretches of time right now, so I need to snag it where I can to lessen the toll this puts on my body.
I haven’t been on any meds for awhile now. My mother found out about it last night in the store. She seemed shocked and I told her that Dad’s response had been that maybe I don’t need meds. Like me, she disagreed.
Last night the irritability sky rocketed in the store. Like, heaven forbid you’re breathing the same air as me! Either the boys were too far away touching everything or they were up my ass and hogging my space. I could not find a happy medium and I desperately wanted one.
Even though more often than not my body can be tired, my brain isn’t. I’m seriously considering making fan music videos for the Chaos Rally now. I’m working on a weekly game series with FFXI. I’ve launched a wellness feature for my blog and channel as well. I’m still running the Tarot card features on the Chaos Pen and running the Chaos Pen Challenges here. I’ve been trying really hard to get all of this done and scheduled ahead of time.
My brain is busy. Super busy. And energetic. So busy and energetic I’ve even been contemplating joining Camp NaNoWriMo next month on top of everything else I’ve been doing. Like I don’t have enough to do already?
I still want to do something each week for the Weekend Coffee Share hashtag, but I still have no idea as to what just yet. And as of this year, jacksepticeye launched a PMA (positive mental attitude) campaign that I would very much like to be a part of, but I don’t know what that’s going to look like yet.
This drive and energy won’t last forever. It’s the nature of being Bipolar. It is not self sustaining. Eventually, I will crash and bottom out.
So rather than post and share everything I’ve been creating right now all at once, I’m hoping to get as much done as I can in advance and get it scheduled so I won’t have to worry about producing nothing when the crash comes.
Problem is… I feel like right now that I have been silent over here as a result. I haven’t had any drama to complain about. I haven’t had a need to brainstorm solutions to problems either. And I’m extremely grateful for this! But, it seems I’m getting less views as a result. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I want to believe that as a society we want to see and hear good things, but our media says this isn’t true.
I don’t want to be an angry, irritable person all the time. I don’t want to write about angry, irritable things all the time. I don’t want my creative output to be nothing but various rants. I do not want to generate and spread negativity.
I will promise you that I will never pretend here on this blog that I’m okay when I’m not.
I do not believe in deception or dishonesty. I want to maintain the freedom to say, “I’m not well right now, but this is how I’m trying to address it.”
So right now I’m saying I know I’m not well. I know I’ve hit hypomania. Since meds aren’t an available option to me at the moment (at least for another month), I’m opting to sink myself into projects as a means to avoid reckless behavior.
Is it healthy? Is it functional? Not exactly. But at least I hope it will keep me and my boys safe. It’s better than me running around out there clubbing or spending money I can’t afford to spend.
I’d much rather sink all that energy into learning and mastering 3D modeling and animation. I’d much rather vomit on the page with whatever words come to mind and pray it comes out in some form of a story.
One of my brothers suggested I should go back to drawing again. He insists that I can draw. I hate the fact I can’t seem to get the cartoon style I want and it makes me feel like I can’t. I don’t know if I’ll take him up on this suggestion.
When I started to write this post, I was planning on sharing one of the projects I’ve started. It’s an extension of the Tarot card series I’ve been running. I took the time in Blender to create a card.
It’s just two rectangular planes facing in opposite directions. Nothing fancy in terms of modeling. However, I was having a very hard time in Blender making sure the textures of the two planes were oriented correctly and not bleeding into each other. Ultimately I had to open the model in the PMX Editor to make these corrections.
The planes needed to be far enough apart to prevent bleeding, but still close enough that there wasn’t an unsightly gap between the two. I think I accomplished my goal here.
I left it the original size since in the MMD and MMM programs, you can scale the models.
Not exactly sure yet what I’ll do with these, but now I have a card model template for any kind of card. I do plan to share the Tarot set as a download for MMD, once I complete the image renders for each card.
I am experiencing a sense of urgency to get all of this done, right now. It’s hard to ignore and push back against. I’ve decided that because the activity my brain is driving me into right now is safe, that I will embrace it. I will allow myself to have this creative surge.
I just won’t be dumping it all on you guys at once. I’m going to try to make sure it all gets scheduled according to the post schedule I’ve committed to here on this blog. I know I don’t always land the mark with this schedule, but not having it means a lack of direction and more chaos for me and this blog.
As always, I’m ready and willing to make changes and adjustments if my condition worsens. One of the things I need to make sure of during all this is that I stay on point with my activities of daily living.
Allowing projects to choke out parental and household responsibilities or suppress my self care is not functional behavior. So this is something I worry about and I need to keep an eye on it.