I’m reaching a point where I can feel myself physically getting tired, but unable to slow myself down enough to get more sleep. I laid down for a nap today and didn’t get a wink. My brain won’t stop and it’s nothing truly coherent per se. It’s more along the lines of internal dialogue similar to the din of a restaurant.
With myself, with characters I think I should be writing about, with things I want to blog about, with possible videos I could make, with the custom terrain map I’m currently working on and obsessing over, with the past I wish I could forget, and with so many other fleeting, flitting, bullshit daydreams – it’s just an endless narrative and commentary that runs through my mind.
Mind you that this isn’t me hearing voices. It’s more along the lines of playing out scenes in my head or simply just talking to myself. My guess here is that fellow storytellers are more likely to understand this than anyone else. At least I hope there is someone out there that understands the thought process I’m trying to explain.
If only I could organize myself and all these thoughts into something productive.
There’s no linear progression to any of it and little of it is related to each other, yet the thoughts overlap. Like throwing multiple pebbles into a pond at the same time and watching the ripples intermingle. They’re separate but they’re colliding and somehow feeding energy into each other.
With depression my greatest challenge is pushing myself through the “fuck it mode” and rallying the energy I need to get stuff done. Right now… the challenge is reigning this chaos into something actionable, functional, and productive.
It’s at times like these that hearing my parents talk about buying a house for the boys and I to move into concerns me. I’m not always aware that I’m not adulting like I should. Living here with their expectations (read: perfectionists) – as much as I find them irritating – helps me stay accountable. I don’t want them taking over and doing it for me, and I don’t want them nagging me, but it’s comforting to know that I have someone here to call me out on my shit when my mind goes south.
I need someone to spot me, not parent/manage/handle me.
If it was just me to take care of, I doubt I would give a rat’s ass but I have kids that need me to keep it together to keep them well.
I have an appointment with the med clinic next month. New nurse, but I’ll be keeping the doctor I had before.
I have no idea how I’m getting dinner done on time (i.e. before 6pm) every night save one since we got the Food Stamps and starting keeping meals separate. I’ve even been able to stay on top of the laundry.
But I guess it’s easier to focus on the basic, mundane tasks when your brain is nothing but word salad and chaos soup.
I got grocery shopping done today. I had gone on a mission to find the brand of sliced yellow American cheese that Tuxedo Cat will eat. I couldn’t remember the name of the brand that my dad buys. AND I didn’t think to ask him before I left. If I had, I would have saved myself from a significant amount of irritation.
So I as I was getting ready to leave the house for this errand, I get a phone call from the school to inform me that Tuxedo Cat had to be woke up 5 times already and it wasn’t even lunch time. I picked him up and took him with Scholar Owl and I to the store. The deli was kind enough to give my son a slice of their cheese and it wasn’t the right one. I still bought half a pound of it since Scholar Owl eats all kinds of cheeses and Little Bear doesn’t care as long as it’s yellow.
The store also still does not have Oscar Meyers Light Bologna. It’s been a little over a year now since I’ve last seen it in any store. Did they remove it from their product line? Ended up forgetting the parmesan cheese again too.
Needless to say, Tuxedo Cat spent the entire trip in a mostly silent state of whining. It’s whining for him, but I doubt anyone that doesn’t know him would recognize it as such since it’s mostly communicated through slumping and shrugging shoulders with pointed sighs. In contrast, Little Bear’s whining comes across as tantrums to most people. Scholar Owl doesn’t really whine. He seems to be taking the ranting route.
Today however, Scholar Owl was in a good mood. A great mood actually. It was a non-stop bubble of chatter that rolled over Tuxedo Cat’s sulking as though that wasn’t even happening. He was like that when we got in the car, the entire shopping endeavor and then back at home. It didn’t settle down until after dinner.
Little Bear got home in high spirits today as well. One spiff between him and Scholar Owl, but otherwise they’ve gotten along splendid enough to play video games together.
And I honestly have no idea what either of them talked about during that entire time outside of their argument over how was getting the hammer ability in the Kirby Wii game they were playing.
I feel like most of the day my intellect has checked out.
The lights are on – a kaleidoscope disco ball even – and I am home… but mesmerized by that damned light. Is this disassociation or some kind of lucid sleep walking? Damned if I know, but it concerns me.
People talk about cognitive dysfunction during Bipolar depression a lot, but I feel it happening during hypomania too. More so now after Little Bear was born.
For example, take this post you’re reading. I didn’t write the paragraphs in order. I’ve jumped back up to add related thoughts, then to scroll down to continue the train of thought I was on before that. I don’t know what the writing process looks like for others, but if I was speaking all of this to you, it wouldn’t be coming out anywhere near in the order I have here.
Kind of like two lines on this one thing, jump over to these four lines here, back to the original lines only to jump to something else entirely.
Scholar Owl has more than once complained about the way his brain works, and based on what he’s said I’m wondering if this is what he’s talking about. I wonder how many other people with Bipolar experience this.
Before I was diagnosed, this weird splintering of my brain caused a great deal of anxiety. It felt like I was losing control of myself and I didn’t understand why. Now that I know why, it’s just annoying.
Honestly, I don’t know which is worse: this thought mess or the brain fog caused by meds. Well… at least with the mild brain fog I had, I was able to focus on something – just a matter of latching onto the right thing at the time.
My understanding is that with ADHD, it’s constant. It’s not for me. It fluctuates – comes and goes. I have no idea how those who cope with this every day, all day, non-stop, their whole lives get through it. What’s even harder for me to imagine is coping with both disorders.
Seriously, how do you guys do it? What am I missing here?
Right now the best I can do is wait for my body to over ride my brain to force a shutdown (aka sleep) and hope this passes soon.
3 thoughts on “Chaos Soup with a side of Word Salad”
well, I’m not sleeping either. I’m not bipolar, but I have dissociative identity disorder, and complex ptsd. I can relate to the jumping all over the place while writing. I love the names you have for your kids on here. they are sooo cool. xoo
Maybe the jumping all over the place isn’t as bad as I think it is if I can still organize it on paper. That part might be just a normal process of writing? I have written things in the past though that I’ve looked at weeks later only to wonder what exactly it was I was trying to say.
And thanks about the online nicknames! I spent a lot of time trying to come up with ones that I think match their personalities while still fitting with the username I decided to go with.
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