2018 Chaos Rally #15 – He’s Here

I haven’t really talked about it, because… I don’t know. Maybe a part of me wanted to ignore it? I think I may have mentioned it last week, but I’m too lazy to check right now. But he’s on leave from South Korea right now.

Arrived on our doorstep yesterday afternoon. And will be here in Maine all week before returning to South Korea. And while he and his father headed out at 7pm – the boys’ curfew – I watched Little Bear cycle through screaming tantrum rages, bawling tears, and intermittent ecstatic giggling/pleading the entire time he was here. Peace didn’t return until my ex left.

The entire cycle replayed today. From the moment he walked in through the door to the moment he stepped out.

I still believe Little Bear has a disorder. The school staff is still having problems and we just recently made adjustments to his IEP. BUT he’s making progress over there.

It’s just until now I didn’t have true confirmation in my mind that there is a connection somehow with the dynamic between my son and his father, and my son’s behavior. I don’t know exactly what it is I’m seeing, but I’m seeing something.

They’ll sit down and play video game together. Little Bear is falling apart. Scholar Owl gets, declares the game no longer fun, and goes up to his room, ex is right on his heels to talk with him, ex remain calm and cool through all of this like nothing is wrong or like nothing happened? Scholar Owl wants to be left alone. Little Bear is begging ex to spend time with him, but ex is still talking to Scholar Owl instead – who wants to be left alone.

Now I have to intervene and tell him to respect Scholar Owl’s space. “Oh, of course,” he tells me – or some such thing. And goes back to play with Little Bear.

I’m still not seeing exactly what is getting Little Bear worked up into a screaming frenzy, but it’s breaking my dad’s rules regarding the use of the gaming machines downstairs so he ends up getting grounded – just for the day – from them. Now my son is bawling. My ex is still in this almost serene state through all of this.

They switch to LEGOS. The process starts all over again. Almost step by step. And I’m still missing what exactly is triggering this behavior in my child.

And the most telling thing in all of this was my ex asking me, rather casually, at one point if Little Bear was acting like this because of him. I was too stunned for words. All I could say was this is our son, and while the behavior today was extreme for him, it is pretty much him.

My ex was never here for the worst of it for our son. AND he has never been here for the best of it either.

What I am seeing right now is Little Bear, but… not quite the same. And I don’t know how to articulate that because I don’t know what it is yet.

Tuxedo Cat is pleasant with him for the first hour or so each day of his visit and then after that, he excuses himself and returns to his typical daily routine. He’s insanely polite about it as long as it’s respected. Honestly, I don’t know how this is my kid some times – but that’s a testament of the behavioral therapy he’s received in his Autism care plan. I know that.

Sometimes, I think the world would be a better place if by default everyone got behavioral therapy as a child.


This weekend’s playlist is a selection of music that went up on YouTube in the past week that I think center on various themes of change.

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