Breaking Down the Wall this Week

My outline has been coming along slowly. Very slowly. I’ve deleted it and started over multiple times now. Stared at the screen with nothing for hours at a time. About mid week I reached a point where I felt like I had hit a wall and was getting no where.

So it got me thinking about some things I’ve seen on Twitter awhile back, like this:


If you haven’t visited this guy’s channel, you should. His thought provoking sound bites are worth it. Thinking about how to get around this wall got me asking what this wall actually was.

This reminded me of a thread I read on Twitter (that I’ve LOST!) about doing the things we dread for the sake of getting them done as soon as possible, because when we don’t it can severely block up our flow of productivity, if not put a stop on our creativity entirely.

So… this week I faced the dreaded paperwork I find so irritating and have been putting off FOREVER and got it ALL done. I think.

The economic hardship deferment for my college loan and a quick phone call to get a forebearance: DONE. The income based sliding scale fee application for the now overdue hospital bills: DONE!

Updated the military insurance info for Little Bear so his prescription co-pays get paid and his meds are mailed. Set up a monthly auto payment for one of the hospital bills that went to a collection agency online. Paid the traffic ticket for having an expired inspection sticker on my car.

Called the MaineCare office AGAIN to fix their info on the boys’ insurance coverage – AGAINand make sure they have our primary care providers listed correctly – AGAIN. It’s now supposed to be fixed – AGAIN. Three’s the charm, right?

Lord have mercy on me. I hate those people. Seriously, the people in the Bangor office back when I was going to UMO ALWAYS got the paperwork correct the FIRST time for me (they did other things to annoy me to be completely honest – like call me up on my cell phone intended for emergencies during a lecture to confirm my class schedule…) These guys… fuck up the paperwork all the time and it’s a living nightmare. I don’t know if it’s a communication issue between me and them, a lack of staffing, a lack of training, or just what. It IS crazy making though.

I still need to pay the rent for this month and get the car inspected. Dad told me not to worry about the rent if I couldn’t afford it but… that’s like asking the sun not to rise, isn’t it? Because, if I don’t pay the rent it means I’ll owe my dad money regardless of what he said. That rent covers our share of the utilities and those bills won’t disappear just because he said don’t worry about it.

However, if I pay the rent it leaves me with less than $200 for the rest of the month and I highly doubt my car is going to pass inspection without them wanting to fix something first. AND, if it doesn’t pass or if I wait, I risk getting pulled over AGAIN and getting nailed with another ticket. That fine goes up for each month over the expiration date, so it’s not going to get any cheaper for me here no matter how you slice it.

Ultimately, I think this might be something I need to have a chat with my dad about as much as I hate the idea of hearing once more him bitching at me about that car and the inspection.

Oddly enough, once I started tackling this stuff during office hours I started seeing a more detailed outline emerge in my template during the off hours. I have two PoV characters completed now and I think that at least two more need to be done.

And I had a very pleasant surprise this week as well! I’ve follow vasilnatalie‘s work on DeviantArt for quite some time. He’s known on YouTube and LearnMMD as bandages. I’ve learned a lot from him and watched him make a 3D model from scratch, step-by-step as he shared the process over there. So roughly three days ago he posted that he was willing to make discrete 3D assets for people. I put in a request for hair (a motherly, yet tomboy white ponytail) for my Toadie avatar. He had it done in two days!


The outcome even got Scholar Owl’s approval. You can see the full render test, with all the credits involved, on my DeviantArt account here. The hair asset has been released to the public domain on vasilnatalie‘s account here if you’re interested in it. I’m very pleased with how it turned out. I know I need to make a video with this model very soon, but with everything that I’ve got going on, I don’t know when that’s going to happen.

And while the music I’ve been finding lately hasn’t really helped in the way of writing, it has helped in the way of relaxing. So this weekend’s playlist is actually just one selection where someone put together three hours of music together sharing the same theme from two different musicians.

So I know all this might seem like a bunch of little things. And I guess that’s the point. Sometimes we get stuck in our heads and we allow those little things slip away from us. When we do that, they build up into a BIG ASS WALL. And it’s going to block us.

That’s when we need to just do the thing. Whatever it is. Tell your mom your foot is infected. Get those bills sorted and paid. Fill out that bullshit paperwork you hate so much. Get the car inspected. Spend the day making phone calls with a bunch of offices full of people that don’t pay attention. See the dentist. Commence with the hoarding purge.


Get it done.

Trust me, I am fully aware of the power that is dread. And I also know how hard it is to get started. Start with the least expensive bill. The most dreaded or most time consuming task. Or the soonest deadline. When that’s done, go to the next one in scale. With each task complete, the pressure you feel eases up. When you’re finished, the relief will be HUGE. I promise.

Believe it or not, this is a major part of self care too. Avoidant behavior does not promote wellness; it only chains us down. Life keeps reminding me this. Someday… this lesson is going to stick.


If you enjoyed this post, or have some thoughts about it, please let me know!

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