This week has been mostly quiet, but it didn’t end that way. Ex-father-in-law visited and he said some things about his daughter. I can’t choose for her, but I am here for her. He’s not fooling anyone here anymore.

Did finally get my neuropsych eval finish and there have been some changes to my diagnoses. Been thinking about how I’m going to write about that since I only briefly covered it here.

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Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1

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Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 6/17/2018

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 169lbs. @ 6/20/18

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Sunday ~ June 17, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7:00am
• 75mg Topamax @ 8:00pm

Meals

• ? cups of coffee
• 1 pc leftover chicken
• 1 bag microwaved popcorn
• steak and macaroni salad

Today’s Feelings

• Content

Notes

• enjoyed a late night BBQ with my dad for Father’s Day – there was a problem with the grill outside and the broiler inside (not sure of all the details), otherwise we would have had dinner sooner

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Monday ~ June 18, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 8:00am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7:00pm

Meals

Today’s Feelings

• Apprehensive (both the “anxious” meaning, and the more rare “understanding” meaning is being used here)
  • there was a comment this morning responding to a comment of mine I posted to a YouTube video awhile back and at first I wondered why the person was attacking me, but then it occurred to me that what is more likely happening is that the person was attacking what my comment represented to them – which I have no idea what that would be – the statement was short, but the way it was worded and written suggested anger and hurt so I don’t think this person was being a troll, but it was an accusation
    • never once anywhere have I ever claimed to be a perfect parent or a perfect person – I’ve only claimed to be human
    • I will preach stability as priority until the day I die without apology
    • I’ve seen first hand what the lack of stability does to a family
    • this is precisely why I started my blog: I’m tired of hearing that people with a mental illness can’t be a good parent
      • you CAN be a good parent, BUT you have to put in the work
      • you MUST make the commitment to be stable
      • this probably needs to be an article on its own
  • I think I read that thread a bajillion times to make sure every one of my comments was free of spelling/grammar errors and those annoying word swap/drop mistakes I tend to make and to be sure I said what I meant

Notes

• last day of school for Little Bear

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Tuesday ~ June 19, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up 6am – 6 hours total

napped 12pm to 2pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7:00am
• 600mg Ibuprofen @ 12pm
• 1000mg Tylenol @ 4pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7:00pm

Meals

• 1 large coffee from gas station
• 4 cups of coffee
• 1 double shot coffee
• 1 12oz. can of Dr. Pepper
• 2pkgs. Instant Oatmeal
• 6oz. Leftover Steak
• 2 chicken burgers with provolone on wheat

Today’s Feelings

• Cheerful
• Thoughtful

Notes

• Therapy Tuesday
  • Talked about what I am waiting for with writing as a career – I still don’t know, but I feel I need to seriously need to start making an effort or I never will

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Wednesday ~ June 20, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 8:00am
• 50mg Topamax @ 7:00pm
  • (2 bottles: 1 w/ 50mg pills & 1 w/ 25mg pills – missing a pill for last dose before opening the refill bottles = might explain the one weird brain fog day I had the other week)

Meals

• ? cups of coffee
• homemade beef fried rice

Today’s Feelings

• Content
• Stressed – blood work results

Notes

• med clinic appointment
  • high cholesterol results in blood work test – everything else was good
    • Dad’s response was that the doctors are going to put me on meds for it but at least he listened to what I had to say first
    • of course Mom wouldn’t let me even finish my sentence before preaching exercise
    • neither are much good if you don’t change your diet, although my preference for fatty foods is pretty damn strong

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Thursday ~ June 21, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7:00am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm

Meals

• 1 large coffee from gas station
• ? cups of coffee
• 6oz. leftover steak

Today’s Feelings

• Content
• Slightly Annoyed
• Enlightened

Notes

• second half of neuropsych today
  • my Bipolar Type II diagnosis changed to Bipolar Type I
  • PTSD confirmed
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder added back in (taken off when Little Bear was born)
  • brand new added: Unspecified Personality Disorder with Schizoid Traits
    • the test kicked back high, but subclinical, scores apparently – but my therapist will be getting a copy and we can go over it next week
    • she waited to interview me since this particular disorder can be confused with Asperger’s (now known as Autism Level 1) BUT unlike Asperger’s, a major difference is Schizoid Personality Disorder over reads (or hyper reads?) body language rather than misses it
      • but this might finally explain that first time I brought Tuxedo Cat into speech therapy and he crawled into my lap and I knew he wanted a drink but I was unable to explain exactly how I knew other than it was in his face but they kept insisting that his facial expression hadn’t changed but believe me when I say he looked at me different when he was thirsty versus when he was hungry – his eyes opened wider in such a way that gave him a clearer appearance – they ended up dropping it with telling me that I couldn’t do that anymore and had to make him speak
    • this actually makes a lot of sense to me seeming how awhile back before coming to this hospital, the last place tried to diagnose me with some weird attachment disorder which is similar but didn’t quite sound right
    • out of the list of symptoms in the DSM-V, you need a minimum of 4 to have an official diagnosis and I can easily identify with 3
      • there is a possible 4th, but Bipolar and PTSD muddles that one so I’ll have to discuss this with my therapist and the med clinic for further clarification
      • however reading more about the clinical observations, I find I identify with quite a bit that is described there – more so than anything listed for Autism
      • it’s one of those “flashlight and compass” moments for me here that feels right – the PTSD did too even though it made me angry and I didn’t want it – where with Autism, I just found myself questioning and wondering when it came to me

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Friday ~ June 22, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 8:00am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm

Meals

• 4 cups of coffee
• 1 cup hot dark chocolate (tasted like normal hot chocolate)
• 2 chicken burgers with provolone, mayo, & mustard on wheat

Today’s Feelings

• Thoughtful
• Content

Notes

• got my laundry caught up finally
• started setting up and scheduling the Chaos Rally posts for Fridays
• still binge watching Bleach on Crunchy Roll – not sure if I mentioned this earlier, but I’m now on episode 135 – started watching this once before years ago and the series stopped on the fight with the Espanda and detoured with some weird tangent dealing with the Zanpakto and it looks like it now goes well beyond that

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Saturday ~ June 23, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

 

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6am – 4.5 hours total

 

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm

Meals

• 4 cups of coffee
• 20oz. bottle Dr. Pepper
• 2pgk. chick no MSG ramen, with peanut butter on wheat

Today’s Feelings

• Annoyed with the ex-father-in-law
• Mildly Angry on behalf of sister-in-law
• Content before and after his visit

Notes

• Little Bear’s grandfather (my ex father-in-law) visited today
  • of course he had to brag about his prospective job offerings
    • I’m sorry, but if anyone else had been offered $9 more an hour than what they were currently getting they’d be bouncing in a heartbeat and not complaining about how they had just got their current job 3 months ago and how it would screw up their vacation and then quickly move on to talk about loyalty
  • he also had to brag about his daughter’s rich boyfriend supposedly proposing to her three times now despite not knowing how to love her, but she’s teaching him and he’s wondering when she’s ever going to get married and have kids
    • excuse me what?
    • last I knew, she didn’t want kids
    • last I knew she plans on getting her PhD
    • she just finished getting her Masters
    • I told him, in front of my dad, if she’s smart she’ll stick to whatever she has planned and go from there
    • I firmly believe this man has every intention of marrying her off into money for his benefit
    • I think he may have done the same with his son, falsely believing my father has money because of the farm
    • this isn’t the first time I’ve heard him talk like this about his daughter and it only reinforces the belief that however bad him and his son have treated me, she has and is getting it far, far worse
      • I keep coming to the same conclusion that her only true salvation is no contact, but I can’t do that for her – that’s a choice she has to make for herself and it’s an insanely hard one since it’s family
• Tuxedo Cat’s father had to change his visitation schedule this week due to work
  • so of course he was here while the ex-father-in-law was here
  • and of course the ex-father-in-law wanted to know what was up with that even as he was saying it was none of his business
  • his visit day has been Sundays since forever, but Tuxedo Cat handled the surprise change very well
• continued working on scheduling the Chaos Rally posts

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