Toad’s Weekly Assessment #20-2018

Sleep is still messed up and off proper schedule. I’m at a point right now where I feel like I have too many projects going on in my head with no time for anything else.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ July 15, 2018

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7am, up at 12pm – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 5mg Melatonin @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 1 slice leftover ham steak
  • 2 cheeseburgers on buns w/ MSG free white cheddar cheeseball puffs

Today’s Feelings

  • productive

Notes

  • started scheduling Tarot Thursdays – a weekly feature from the Chaos Pen blog
    • completed ace of cups through nine of cups

Monday ~ July 16, 2018

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0.5A

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 7am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 5mg Melatonin @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • Cotto Salami and Cheese on White
  • 1 bratwurst
  • 1 bag of microwave lightly buttered popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • busy

Notes

  • continued scheduling posts for Tarot Thursdays
    • finished scheduling the Cups Suit
    • started working on the Wands suit
    • planning my Tarot deck

Tuesday ~ July 17, 2018

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 05A

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
bed at 3pm, up at 6pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • forgot AM meds
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 5mg Melatonin @ 8pm

Meals

  • 1 large coffee from gas station
  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 3 sirloin grilling strips (roughly 4oz. each?)

Today’s Feelings

  • driven
    • I know it’s not an emotion, but it’s how I felt with all the shit I’ve got going on in my head
  • tired

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday

Wednesday ~ July 18, 2018

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0.5A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 6:30am – 8.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 1 Multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 5mg Melatonin @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • a few pieces of homemade bread (as in the crust that Little Bear didn’t want and one slice for me)
  • 1 piece of leftover steak strip

Today’s Feelings

  • irritated – Little Bear is oddly cranked today

Notes

  • created and rendered a tattoo for this model
    • the process to do this in principal turned out to be easy, but was time consuming to get the details lined up correctly
  • scheduled up to the Three of Wands, got part of the post for the Four of Wands finished

Thursday ~ July 19, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 9am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 1 Multivitamin @ 9am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 5:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10pm
  • 5mg Melatonin @10pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • baked chicken, tater tots, carrots, tropical fruit salad

Today’s Feelings

  • I don’t know, driven I guess until this evening which I then decided to chill when it came time to cook dinner

Notes

  • another bizarre day of high energy for Little Bear
  • completed up to the Eight of Wands for scheduling my Tarot exploration posts
  • started working on a side tattoo for that model which I hope will eventually be for my cups suit series

Friday ~ July 20, 2018

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 9am – 8 hours total
bed at 10am, up at 12pm – 2 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 1 Multivitamin @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 5mg Melatonin @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 1oz. leftover steak (seriously that was all that was left, and I don’t know how the boys missed it)
  • 1 Cotto Salami and Cheese Sandwich on Oat Bread

Today’s Feelings

  • hit with grief and loss for the life I had before my marriage
    • yeah, weird I know but I just miss the person I was before all that
    • okay let me clear here: I wish I had that vitality and vibrancy for life that I had back then combined with the knowledge I have now – I wish that the path I had experienced to learn the things I did hadn’t required the price it did
      • aka: PTSD
      • I’m still having difficulties in accepting this as my new normal
      • it was one thing to keep my private, vibrant inner world to myself but it’s entirely another to watch it turn completely gray and have no way or idea of how to tell someone it’s happened or ask how to change it back
      • You know that line from “The Last Unicorn” when she realizes she’s been transformed into a human and in a moment of panic she says: “I can feel myself dying all around me.” That’s what this feels like.
      • Not talking about suicidal ideation here. I’m talking about the loss of something that you’ll never get it back. Like a garden that’s been wiped out from a blight. Sure, it will recover but it’s not the same garden as before. Maybe you won’t be able to grow the same flowers because the conditions have changed. Maybe a tree died and needs to be removed. I hope my intended meaning is coming across here.
    • and weirdest part about all of this is what triggered it: deciding to clean out that fucking old car sitting in my parents lawn that is still waiting to go to the junk yard
      • it’s one of the last few things that I bought completely on my own and paid off as a single parent before I got married and found my life turned upside down and stopped believing in myself
      • it’s a relic of my past that proves I’m more than capable of handling this shit but logically I don’t need to physically keep it to know this
      • I didn’t clean it out and it still remains on my parents’ lawn
      • it’s a stupid thing I know
      • I wish my family would stop minimizing or dismissing how I feel

Notes

  • completed scheduling up to the Ten of Wands for the exploration series on Tarot Thursdays

Saturday ~ July 21,2018

Mood: 1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm, up at 1am – 3.5 hours total
bed at 4am, up at 11am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • missed AM meds
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 5mg Melatonin @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • 1 slice of cinnamon swirl bread
  • cheese and crackers with pepperoni

Today’s Feelings

  • I don’t know

Notes

  • completed scheduling the exploring the wands suit posts

 

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