Toad’s Weekly Assessment #24-2018

I need to retroactively update last week’s mood tracker since I know I’m sliding ever closer to full mania right now. I don’t feel not in control, but I’m being frivolous enough with money that Dad is speaking up about it. No big purchases, but a ton of “nickel and diming” type of spending that I don’t normally do on things I don’t normally buy.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ August 12, 2018

Mood: 2.5H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10am, up at 1pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee
  • 12oz.can of Dr. Pepper
  • leftover homemade fried rice

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes


Monday ~ August 13, 2018

Mood: 2.5H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7am, up at 9am – 2 hours total
bed at 1pm, up at 7pm – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 1am

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 1 leftover steak
  • 1 chicken burger with cheese

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • joint pain

Tuesday ~ August 14, 2018

Mood: 2.5H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 9:30am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9pm

Meals

  • 1 large coffee from gas station
  • 2 cups of coffee
  • snacked from a veggie tray off and on all day
  • leftover chicken burger with cheese

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • bought the Steampunk Tarot deck by Barbara Moore
  • bought Princess Jellyfish vol.4
  • joint pain

Wednesday ~ August 15, 2018

Mood: 2.5H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7:30am, up at 11:30am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • ended up playing Resident Evil 7 until morning – which honestly hasn’t been any different the last few days
  • been spending a lot of time with an old friend, Tuxedo Cat’s father, now that the divorce has been finalized and my ex is engaged
    • it’s been nice and I’ve realized that I need to increase the size of my circle
    • I know there’s still a little concern it might stir up a fuss, but you know what? I’m done with my ex running my life and dictating who I can and can’t be friends with and how and when
    • I’m done with him tracking me all the time – I’m just done

Thursday ~ August 16, 2018

Mood: 2.5H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 12pm – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed (sigh)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10:30pm (almost forgot them too)

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • snacked of raw veggies off and on all day

Today’s Feelings

  • aggravated

Notes

  • since June my ex has been telling Little Bear progressively later dates as to when he plans to come visit, today he’s telling him Labor Day weekend but he has yet to tell me anything beyond him saying he was going to try to come the week the before that when he spoke to me about taking me to court to change the visitation agreement two weeks ago
    • this means as far as he’s concerned he has notified me of his visit, but he should be giving me solid dates and he shouldn’t be using the boys as messengers for any of this
    • I really don’t feel up to dealing with any of this since I know he expects me to accommodate him and his demands even though he will be visiting during the second week of school – how the hell am I supposed to him overnights with that?
    • I may need to step in and communicate this with him right off the bat which isn’t going too look pretty, but I can’t have him showing up here with expectations and then blaming me because he didn’t plan ahead with me
      • for now there is peace: confirmed he is coming during Labor Day weekend so I sent him the link to our school district’s website showing this year’s academic calendar so he would know that I wasn’t lying about the schedule and how I can’t accommodate overnights this visit

Friday ~ August 17, 2018

Mood: 2.5H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 8:30am – 5.5 total hours
bed at 1pm, up at 3pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 2 plates of buttered spaghetti w/ parm. cheese

Today’s Feelings

  • aggravated

Notes

  • Little Bear has broken the frame of my all wooden fold out futon that I use as a bed
    • three out of four pegs that slide in the glider grooves have popped out
    • one peg and one screw is now missing
    • there is a nasty gouge on the inside of the frame where a peg was forced out
    • the seams of the frame are starting to come apart now
    • currently unable use it as a couch the way it is
    • the part of the frame that holds the cushion is no longer anchored to anything
    • don’t have the money to replace it – I’d rather fix it
    • not sure how I’m going to fix it without that missing peg
  • completed scheduling of the Tarot Thursdays series up to The Chariot

Saturday ~ August 18, 2018

Mood: 2.5H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10am, up at 4pm – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • cheese and crackers with Canadian bacon

Today’s Feelings

  • I don’t know… I want to use the word empty but I don’t think it’s the right word
    • I’m not sad or lonely exactly, it’s more of an undefined restlessness
    • kind of a desire to connect, even if only briefly, with others
    • like, I know there is a need to be met here but I’m not sure what it is
      • but is this need even real? how much of it is just my brain misfiring?
      • is this why no matter what I do it never feels met?
      • it remains undefined? I remain unsatisfied?
      • it fades as the episode fades
      • what the fuck is this and what do I do with it?
      • why can’t I just be content?
  • I’m feeling like since getting married I’ve burned far too many bridges with people and now people don’t want to spend time with me
    • I’m too negative now
    • I’m the bad guy now
    • I’m less than now
    • I’m… “other” now
      • for those of you that haven’t been in this kind of relationship, or any kind of toxic situation, I don’t suppose there is a way for you to understand what any of this really means
        • the damage in need of repair is actually internal
        • it has more to do with my ability to see and connect
          • so when your truth is that you’re an ugly, unworthy creature it’s reflected back at you where ever you turn to look
            • doesn’t matter if it’s a false truth: the lens of your ego will always find confirmation in the outside world
            • knowing all of this doesn’t make it easier to overcome
  • I honestly don’t expect anyone to understand any of this, but these are the two unnamed nebulous feelings I’ve been grappling with as of late and I’m tired of trying to sort them out before sharing them
    • so here they are in all their chaotic glory
    • maybe sometime down the road I’ll get a better handle on it
    • when I do, I’ll write up a proper post for them

Notes

  • spoke with Dad last night about needing a babysitter so I can get out more and actually be social
    • not sure which surprises me more: the fact I brought up the subject or the fact he is willing to babysit
      • he laid out which days and times he can babysit for me
      • now I just need to make arrangements with the people I want to invest my time and energy in

 

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