Catching Up

Since launching my Tarot Thursday project where I’ve been exploring the basic meanings of the tarot cards to hopefully give context to my writing challenges and prompts, I haven’t done much posting in the way of personal events.

I had no idea the project would be so huge or time consuming when I got started. The first post for that was back on July 26, 2018 and I finally scheduled the last post in the series for sometime in January 2020! I would like to launch another series dealing with emotions specifically with tarot soon, but now I know it will also be a long undertaking. Before I do that, I’d like to take a breather and catch up with all of you.

9-4-18

So those of you that have been reading my mood trackers must have picked up on that I’ve been mentored in tarot over on Tarot, Tea, and Me. I’m pretty excited about that. I’ve been using tarot for meditation and brainstorming off and on since 1994. Now I’m feeling more confident with the idea of reading for others with the same purpose.

My Chaos Rally spread has evolved a great deal since I first started it. It has now become a wellness challenge spread and a part of me wonders if I ought to go back over all the scheduled posts and redo them to reflect that. It would be a great deal of work, I know, but I think in the end I would feel better about them.

I’m seriously considering opening an online shop for written tarot readings. I do enjoy it that much. If this is something you’re interested in, please let me know in the comments below.

This marks the second week of school for my boys. So far we are surviving! Sleep schedules for everyone is slowly normalizing much to my relief. Little Bear and Tuxedo Cat have already had their well child checks and have gotten a clean bill of health. Scholar Owl’s is later this week.

Tuxedo Cat didn’t quite grow into his weight again this last growth spurt and due to him having Autism and his age, neither the doctor nor myself feel it’s appropriate to put him on a calorie restriction diet. The risk for him to get the wrong message and end up with an eating disorder is too great. Instead, I need to pay closer attention to our available food choices and try to increase our physical activity. I don’t think it will hurt any of us to join him in the activity. We can consider it as part of his Special Olympics training.

Scholar Owl has started up guitar lessons over the summer and Tuxedo Cat is still playing the piano. It’s wonderful having music in the home again and makes me miss playing the flute. Maybe someday I’ll have the money to buy myself one.

So far the school year has been smooth. Little Bear gets ready for the bus with very little fuss and the special services bus has been working with him on the why behind safety and etiquette. It warms my heart to see him get it.

This year is Scholar Owl’s final year of homeschooling. I signed him up for the Adult Ed HiSet (GED) exam, but they informed me he must come in for the orientation class the week before. I checked it and it seems there may be a chance that his homeschool portfolios will qualify him for a traditional public school diploma. If this turns out to be the case, then he will be able to attend the graduation ceremony with his friends this year. I’m assuming this also means that his transcripts will also go in their files.

If not, we’ll have him take the HiSet exam so he has a standardized exam in his portfolio and the Maine Homeschoolers organization has a graduation ceremony of their own each year. It will also mean that I will need to file his transcripts with the national Homeschool Legal Association.

So much to keep track of, no?

My fiction writing continues at a crawl. Big surprise given how I launched that huge blogging project without taking into consideration how much time would be required for it. Next time I most certainly pace myself differently.

I have converted my draft for Surge of the Soul Eater into a PDF file so it could be beta read in its entirety. I have a brother that has requested it at one point, so I need to send it to him. And I already have one person giving it a go over now. Hopefully soon I’ll have a better idea of what needs to be done with it and draft a new outline for it and get back to work on it with new energy.

World building on the Fleurya storyline is happening, but slowly. I feel like I have a solid idea of what I want to have going on in the first half now, but the second half is still pretty vague right now. I feel like I’m missing a huge chunk of the picture, but I haven’t finished going through the workbook yet, so I don’t know just how constructive it is for me. I will say that so far it has gotten me to consider things I haven’t thought of before, so that’s considerable progress there.

I’m still working on 3D modeling. Currently working on customizing a model that I would like to use for making my suit of cups cards like I had for my suit of swords cards over on the Chaos Pen. I’ve been following a guy on Deviant Art for quite some time now and have been learning from him. As I watched him make a model completely from scratch, I started to get some ideas about it regarding tarot. It pleased me when he released it under a Creative Commons Attribution License. Even then, I still spoke to him about it. He was happy that I wanted to use his model for my art and explained to me the process of making tattoos/decals for a model in Blender.

So let me just take a moment to express my deepest gratitude here. Here is someone that not only took the time to create a 3D model from scratch – for free – but he released to the world for anyone to use – for free – and the only thing you need to do in return, is to give him credit for his work. And on top of all of that, he has been willing to take time out of his day to speak with me, answer questions, and teach me things so that I can start doing these things myself.

So I’ve been trying really hard not to bug him with stupid questions – you know, with stuff I can figure out on my own – and trying really hard to put the stuff I have learned to good use. My progress is slow in the 3D modelling world, but I am making progress.

I started with making a chest tattoo using an image of a koi. You can get the full details about it over on its Deviant Art page.

KoiChestTattooRender

I then made a matching side tattoo on this model.

SideKoiTatoo

I did run into some trouble with this one, but you can read about the final process here.

Both tattoos were created in Blender and I’m happy with how they turned out.

It’s nothing fancy, but I’ve made cards and a coffee mug in Blender too that I’m also pleased with.

TarotAvi

Just what all I’m going to do with everything I’ve been working on, I don’t know. And if you think this is a red flag for hypomania or mania, then you’d be correct. All of this right here is a form of chaos.

The fact that my parents are happy for me and think that I’m doing well because I’m interested in things again is a sign that they don’t get it. They don’t understand what any of this means. It demonstrates once again a failure of understanding.

Just because I’m not doing exactly what you want doesn’t mean I lack motivation or I’m lazy. Maybe I’m not doing it because I don’t agree with your plan. Maybe I have a different plan. Maybe I’m pouring all of my energy into something else that you’re not seeing or paying attention to. As an adult, I shouldn’t need to spell out every detail of my life to you. As an adult, I do not need to have you tell me where my motivations and energy should be directed.

So why are they happy for me right now? I have been inviting one person – seriously ONE PERSON – over to socialize with on a regular basis. Yes, I have been talking about getting out of the house more. Yes, I have mentioned starting a tarot reading business and I’m still pushing the idea I’m going to self publish onto my dad. Yet, all of a sudden they are acting like this is the best thing this has ever happened since sliced bread.

Folks, let’s be real here. Nothing in my life has really changed since my last personal post other than I’ve been experiencing a mild Bipolar episode. Yes, my therapist is aware of it. I’ve been going weekly as scheduled. I have a med clinic appointment today. So the hospital hasn’t been kept in the dark on this. It’s just my parents refuse to see this for what it is. From the sounds of things, if they could have their way I would be like this all the time. And that concerns me greatly.

They don’t see the disorganized thinking that goes on in my head right now. They don’t understand that I have a routine checklist that I follow throughout the day just to get shit done.

You know, my father gets angry that I have the boys wash the dishes right after they get off the bus from school instead of at the end of the day? It’s all about when and how he wants them done with him, not about what’s actually functional and working to get these chores done.

I do things the way I do them, in the order that I do them, because it works for us and shit actually gets done. Things start to work and start to go smoothly and that’s when he starts to bitch because that’s not how he wants it done. Why the fuck does it matter? The dishes are done and they’re clean. Shouldn’t that be good enough? Why can’t it ever be good enough?

And this is something I’ve noticed since I’ve hit mania this time around. My father’s random boundary testing. Inviting himself to dinner when I’ve planned a big fancy dinner for the boys and I and I have a guest coming.

Bitching at me about the way I do things with the boys. Bitching about the way the boys get chores done. It’s mostly the nit picky of details. He doesn’t come at them, even though they were the ones that had done the chore. He comes at me. He’s been picking at the boys’ motivation and fear mongering about their future too.

Fear mongering about what my ex might do a couple of years from now. All of his advice regarding my ex is antagonistic and goes against everything I’ve learned regarding family law.

You know that one person I’ve been inviting over? It’s Tuxedo Cat’s father. He’s no stranger. Known him forever and consider him a good friend. My parents have been probing about it. Dad has sent mixed signals – tried to make it sound like it’s all coming from Mom, which is complete bullshit like always. If Mom has something to say to me she will say it. She always does.

Dad keeps trying to bring up the fact Tuxedo Cat’s father can’t keep a job, but around here everything keeps shutting down and people keep getting laid off. Maine has become a retirement and vacation state. More people are moving out than moving in every year. What the fuck does he expect? Dad had the same problem when he retired from the military and in the end he had to become self employed before he reached retirement age.

Sometimes I feel like he does all this just to keep me under his thumb, so he can feel like he is useful to someone. More than once he has said he doesn’t like having the house empty with just him and Mom in it. More than once he has fought to keep me living here.

But at the end of the day, really, what does he have to gain from all this? Why does any of this matter to him? How is any of this his business?

Most importantly, why am I even entertaining any of it? It’s getting beyond old.

I’ve been calling him out on it more and more lately and it’s been pissing him off. He’s even gone so far as accusing me of picking fights with him. Okay. Has anyone stop to consider that maybe if you don’t treat an adult like they are a stupid toddler right out the gate that they won’t fight with you? That maybe treating them with the basic dignity, respect, and compassion that all humans deserve goes a long way?

Why do I keep finding myself in the position of teaching adults in how to be a human being? I find it more frustrating that it’s my own parental figure that I’m doing this with right now. I shouldn’t need to explain the basics of humanness to anyone, least of all to the person that raised me.

So that’s my life right now with all the ups, downs, and in between. Let me know in the comments below what you would like to see more of from me. I’d love to hear from you!

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