It’s been pretty low most of the week, but by the end of it things have started to look better. Hopefully Little Bear will be discharged to the day program soon.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ October 21, 2018
Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -0.5 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- 4 cups of ginger ale
- 2 chicken salad sandwiches
- couple handfuls of plain chips
- mango spears
Today’s Feelings
- almost cried today but for some reason it stopped as soon as it started
- this concerned and alarmed my mother greatly since I haven’t really been able to express much of anything for quite some time now
- lonely and empty
Notes
- emailed Tuxedo Cat’s father’s birthday reading to him
- revised the template
- began working on the template for the Chaos Rally Reading package
- finished that, along with the templates for the 3 card yes/no question reading and the 3 card writer reading
- I’m perhaps ready for another test run of free readings somewhere
- Little Bear seemed to be his typical self today
- my father made a point to tell me at dinner today that Little Bear’s problem is that I’m not strict enough with him like I was with the other two boys
- okay first off, according to him when those two boys were much younger I was spoiling them
- second off, if all that boy’s problem was that I am too strict and the hospital is more strict which somehow magically fixes his problems then they would be sending him home already without changing his meds
- he wasn’t exactly happy with me when I pointed this out to him and kept trying to insist the point that I needed to be more strict
- he forgets that these people have already TRIED THIS WITH ME and sent me to parenting classes once he was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder and ascribed to that whole “tough love” shit
- and what triggered the conversation? I mentioned how these children aren’t allowed outside if they aren’t able to be safe
- omg… and he gets PISSED that I don’t let this child play outside very often… doesn’t think to ask me why I do that
- hmmm… I wonder?
- MAYBE it’s because he isn’t being safe or appropriate that day? Maybe because his shit isn’t clean?
- But, I’m not strict enough.
- You know what? he can fuck off. sick of this.
- there is a difference between discipline and coercion…
- I don’t think he realizes that
- one of these falls into abuse
- what he’s really asking of me feels more like coercion and it’s icky as fuck
- omg… and he gets PISSED that I don’t let this child play outside very often… doesn’t think to ask me why I do that
- oh and…. BIG FUCKING P.S. TO MY DAD: THAT’S NOT HOW PSYCHOSIS WORKS – NOT EVER
- you will NEVER be able to discipline that shit away
- my son wouldn’t be there in the in-patient wing in the first place if this was just a question of strictness
- he had a fucking episode RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM
- my father made a point to tell me at dinner today that Little Bear’s problem is that I’m not strict enough with him like I was with the other two boys
- I need to look up the old mood trackers to remember how the old scales worked for anxiety and irritability so I can add it back in
Monday ~ October 22, 2018
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 2am – 2 hours total
I did cry for a little bit
bed at 3:00am, up at 7am – 4 hours total
bed at 2:30pm, up at 4pm – 1.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- medium coffee from gas station
- baked chicken and mango spears
Today’s Feelings
- fuck this shit this morning
- cried a few times off and on this afternoon
Notes
- managed to get Tuxedo Cat on the bus in time
- Little Bear was cranked and silly most of my visit this morning
- something inside me finally broke
- really don’t want to be alone right now
- not sure how to tell someone this without sounding needy, stupid, or alarming
- really don’t want to be alone right now
- part for my car arrived today
- watched more Gotham with Tuxedo Cat’s father
- before that spoke with him about how I’m feeling (or tried to rather) and cried
- at first he kept trying to be logical about it
- kept trying to tie this to Little Bear or to us
- then it finally clicked that it’s way more than that
- welcome to the world of Bipolar – I’m sorry there’s no logic here
- before that spoke with him about how I’m feeling (or tried to rather) and cried
Tuesday ~ October 23, 2018
Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -0.5 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours
went to bed at midnight, but struggled to fall asleep
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- medium coffee from gas station
- pulled pork, loaded mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli and carrots, lots of bread
- couldn’t finish dinner – ate out with Tuxedo Cat’s father
Today’s Feelings
- down, but mellow
- incredibly grateful
Notes
- I think taking the anti-anxiety med last night helped with expressing my feelings oddly – like somehow if it gets too high something is shutting off completely
- defense mechanism? survival instinct? I don’t know
- I feel like pressure inside this morning though
- less critical mass – less like I’m caving in or collapsing in on myself
- I am concerned that I might be becoming dependent on emotional support
- I don’t want to be a burden
- I don’t want to feel like a bird in a cage
- to be clear: this isn’t something Tuxedo Cat’s father is imposing upon me
- I’m divorced now, the door is open, no need for me to stay inside
- fuck my ex and his rules and his conditioning
- fuck my childhood conditioning too
- I suspect that in part this may stem from the Schizoid traits and the issues I have with emotionally bonding with people, but I’m not sure
- a degree of overwhelm here
- a fear of enmeshment (loss of self)
- I’m aware this logic may be broken and might be coming from no where
- my car has finally been fixed!
- words cannot express how much I appreciate the fact Tuxedo Cat’s father has put so much effort into getting it back up and running for me
- it’s been a week of hassle, troubleshooting, and waiting for parts
- he took the entire day alone just to work on it
- words cannot express how much I appreciate the fact Tuxedo Cat’s father has put so much effort into getting it back up and running for me
- Little Bear told me today that he has been lonely since going to in-patient
- he called me tonight asking me to read him stories until he fell asleep, so I did
Wednesday ~ October 24, 2018
Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -0.5 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 3am – 6 hours total
bed at 4am, up at 6am – 2 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- baked chicken and sweet potatoes
Today’s Feelings
- don’t know
Notes
- greatly enjoyed dinner and watching an episode of Gotham with Tuxedo Cat’s father
Thursday ~ October 25, 2018
Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -0.5 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm, up at 5:30am – 8.5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
- 1 medium coffee from gas station
- leftover chicken and mac & cheese
Today’s Feelings
- hopeful, but irritable as well
- pretty sure the irritability is a symptom of my anxiety
- felt like the hospital staff were right on top of me today and most of them were people I hadn’t met before
- and of course my parents couldn’t let me get in through the door without wanting to know how the meeting went
- and then Tuxedo Cat was chomping at the bit for costumes
- no space to breathe at all today from anyone
- pretty sure the irritability is a symptom of my anxiety
Notes
- family meeting today
- should know by end of next week when Little Bear will be discharged from in-patient and transitioned to their day program
- bought costumes for Scholar Owl and Tuxedo Cat for the school dance tomorrow
- felt good that Tuxedo Cat’s father took time out of his busy day to message me to check in on my day
- felt bad I had to cut him off to go to bed
- honestly felt that tired
- didn’t want to take up his time from whatever it was he was doing
Friday ~ October 26, 2018
Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Migraine: 1h
Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm, up at 5:30am – 8 hours total
Sleep Quality: -1
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7am
- 600mg Ibuprofen @ 3pm
- 75mg Topamax @ 9pm (almost forgot)
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- ham & cheese cracker Lunchable (Little Bear swapped for my sandwich)
- leftover cold hotdog
- a couple of Oreos
Today’s Feelings
- woke up tired
- bummed
Notes
- I woke up this morning feeling like the life has been sucked right out of me
- I feel ugly this morning
- Little Bear had another restraint event this afternoon
- Scholar Owl and Tuxedo Cat enjoyed the school dance
- started watching anime series How Not to Summon a Demon Lord, it is funny but I had a hard time focusing
Saturday ~ October 27, 2018
Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 9am – 6 hours total
napped 4pm to 9pm – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9am
- 75mg Topamax @ 8:30pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- 2 cups of raspberry ginger ale
- popcorn
Today’s Feelings
- agitated
Notes
- watched Despicable Me 3 with the boys today during visit with Little Bear
- started snowing wet snow on way home
- turned to freezing thunder showers by 9pm
- worked on scheduling more of the Emotional Tarot series
- got up to Two of Wands