Toad’s Weekly Assessment #36-2018

It’s been a long, nerve wracking week but Little Bear was finally discharged Thursday even though it wouldn’t be until Saturday that I could talk about it.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ November 4, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm the night before, up at 4:30am Standard Time (up at 5:30am Daylight Savings Time) – 6.5 hours total (time changes suck)

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 12pm (because… I somehow forgot this morning?)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 1 medium coffee from gas station
  • ham & cheese sandwich on white
  • ham, potatoes, and green beans x2

Today’s Feelings

  • whatever
  • accomplished

Notes

  • Ben was his typical self today
  • Mom planned a big family dinner with my brother and his family and just assumed I would be involved without informing me about any of it
    • I found out at the last minute when I got home from visiting Ben when Tuxedo Cat’s father was supposed to be showing up to visit and of course she assumed he would be involved with this dinner too
    • wtf Mom – did you stop to consider that MAYBE we had other plans, or that MAYBE we had some place else to be?
  • made a new card in Blender that I’m able to successfully bend into a bridge in the MMD program – this means I should be able to create a shuffle animation once I finish creating a 3D deck asset

SingleCardBridge


Monday ~ November 5, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm night before, up at 1:30am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 bottle of ice coffee
  • chicken salad sandwich on white
  • turkey & cheese sandwich on wheat
  • snack pack of 4 mini brownies
  • baked chicken and fries

Today’s Feelings

  • not sure

Notes

  • began assembling and rigging the 3D deck asset first thing this morning
    • completed the new 3D deck asset – just need to test it
  • Little Bear has a semi difficult day today during our visit
    • got the impression he wasn’t clicking with the new staff that was there
    • I wasn’t really fond of the way this one person spoke to 3 other kids today
      • seriously though if you’re trying to calm someone down and you hit a hot button of theirs, you do something else rather than keep hitting that button to escalate them further
        • it really felt like the whole “I’m the adult and you’re just a kid so you have to do whatever I tell you” attitude to me rather than “I’m here to help you be well” and I find that to be problematic
      • this is something that isn’t going to get better no matter how long he’s in there – I’ve seen this with school
        • if he doesn’t like you, he isn’t going to work with you – period
    • I really want him home
  • spent the evening watching Gotham with Tuxedo Cat’s father

Tuesday ~ November 6, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • snack pack of 4 mini brownies
  • 2 plates of spaghetti with meatball sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • seriously?

Notes

  • I voted
  • Little Bear was very hyper again today
    • was notified later by hospital that he had a restrained escort due to an altercation over a game in a peer group with another peer (I got the impression it was a typical kid type of argument rather than a mood instability flare up) and he had to be escorted because he refused to walk away from it on he own (also typical kid stuff for his age)
  • Little Bear’s father informed me him and his new other half are expecting a baby this June and wanted me to give him advice on how to tell Little Bear (or wanted me to tell him?) – told him it was up to him, totally not touching that
    • also discussed speaking to the doctor about putting Little Bear on an actual ADHD med
    • also discussed how both doctors in there think Little Bear has high functioning Autism and I approved another full neuropsych eval because of that
      • he didn’t take this news well at all
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father tonight
    • had hoped for something a bit more intimate than watching TV – least of all political news all night
      • on one hand, he’s been talking to me more often as of late
      • on the other hand, intimacy has dropped to nothing
      • I’m feeling… conflicted at best
  • WordPress was acting weird for me earlier today and I ended up changing my password out of concern as I was trying to resolve the issue
    • don’t know if I fixed it or if it was something on their end that they fixed, but the request to confirm my email address that would not confirm finally disappeared

Wednesday ~ November 7, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6am – 4.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 bottles of ice coffee
  • 1 turkey & cheese sandwich
  • 2pc. Leftover chicken

Today’s Feelings

  • hopeful & optimistic
  • busy, tired, & tapped out

Notes

  • got really positive feedback from nursing staff about Little Bear today
    • I’m truly hopeful that he will be discharged tomorrow at the family meeting
  • Tuxedo Cat had an awesome IEP meeting today – making good progress
  • today felt insanely busy
  • was hoping for time with Tuxedo Cat’s father to emotionally connect, but he’s busy today too
    • time together as in sharing the same physical space
      • not sure why I feel I need this today, but I do

Thursday ~ November 8, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 bottle of ice coffee
  • 2 glasses of cranberry gingerale
  • 1 large handful of tortilla chips
  • 3 slices of pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • happy
  • stressed

Notes

  • LITTLE BEAR IS HOME!!!
    • we had a pizza and pinata party
    • he fell asleep very easily
  • Tuxedo Cat had a student led conference tonight
  • Walmart did not have Little Bear’s meds ready at 6pm even though the doctor sent the order in at 12:30pm and made me wait for them 30min – totally pissed me off

Friday ~ November 9, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 6am, bed at 6:30am, up at 7:30am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 slice leftover pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated

Notes

  • intake appointment went well but there were some surprises
    • discovered there was a mishap with scheduling: discharge paperwork showed the intake appointment was at 1pm, but it was actually scheduled for 11am
      • kind of rubbed me wrong that the nurse made a big deal out of how “kind” she was being for taking us in anyway even though we were late for the appointment since the paperwork was wrong it was “clearly not your fault”
        • seriously lady… like wtf? – I’m wishing here we had gotten the lady we would have had if Little Bear hadn’t had the episode on the first day in the end of September
    • also discovered that Little Bear’s diagnoses had been changed significantly while in-patient
      • he had in fact been switch from DMDD to Provisional Unspecified Bipolar Disorder
      • he’s been flagged for a full scale Autism screening (which I knew about)
      • he’s been switch from ADHD and Conduct Disorder to Unspecified Impulse Control and Conduct Disorder (I guess this is due to the concern about the Autism given how he has so much sensory seeking going on)
      • Unspecified Anxiety Disorder has been added
    • also discovered that supposedly their in house neuropsychologist doesn’t screen children for Autism… like wtf… what does their neuropsychologist do then exactly?
      • the in-patient doctors insisted this person could but the day program people insisted it couldn’t be done
      • I then told them the in-patient doctors sent the referral directly to the in house neuropsych so someone better be finding out because the wait list is insanely long no matter where it’s sent and I refuse to wait for nothing
        • part of the reason Little Bear is being sent to the Day Program is so the in house neuropsych can observe him in a classroom setting
  • as if all that isn’t enough, Little Bear’s father had to start up with his shit again
    • called me twice and messaged me on Facebook one last night about it
    • turns out when I finally got back with him this morning, he wanted Little Bear’s SSN to set up a bank account
      • this isn’t the first time I’ve had to give it to him for a wide variety of paperwork
      • he really should have a copy of this information for his records – especially given the fact he’s in the military and they need that all the time
      • I blew up on him and gave him a speech about how he needs to get his shit together and start being the adult he needs to be
        • I’m not his mother
        • I’m not his wife anymore
        • He needs to stop being like his father who lays a heavy burden on others and if he doesn’t, his new wife will end up resenting him just like I do
          • at this point he got pissed off at me and accused me of guilt tripping him and told me to leave his new other half out of it
          • told him I’m just telling him the truth, why I’m upset, and giving some advice on how not to repeat the problem – take it or leave it
    • I gave him the SSN at the end of the day because I don’t keep the boys’ SSN cards just laying around the house – not sorry
      • this is another thing that pisses me off: expecting me to drop everything, put my life on hold, and cater to you on a moment’s notice
        • this is what I mean by wanting to be left alone and just live my life
          • I swear the moment I said this in October, both his father and he have been doing this kind of shit more often
            • including breaking phone curfew

Saturday ~ November 10, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10am night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 6 cups of coffee
  • leftover pulled pork and rolls

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this morning
  • anxiety this evening

Notes

  • it snowed last night
  • snow was melted by this afternoon
  • I finally get around to talking about Little Bear’s in-patient stay and try to process it and what I hope to do now moving forward
  • tired of seeing my Facebook wall plastered with relationship coaching ads telling me I’m doing everything wrong – completely wrong. insanely wrong.
    • just… wrong.
    • why does the browsing internet lately induce such a strong sense of brokenness within me? because it’s not just relationships – it’s everything
      • I’m starting to remember why I took a break from Facebook
      • I’m tired of being told that I can’t do life correctly

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