Toad’s Weekly Assessment #39-2018

It was a long, rough week for me. I survived. Not much else to say, I guess.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ November 25, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 slice choc. pie
  • leftover turkey

Today’s Feelings

  • productive

Notes

  • starting scanning my copy of the Dragon Tarot into my computer
  • watched Incredibles 2 with the family
    • it was good, but hard to watch with my parents and brother’s family there
      • ended up waiting in the living room for about an hour after they had us gather together for the movie as they got stuff ready for it
      • Tuxedo Cat’s father ended up having to leave before the movie got really started because he had made plans elsewhere for the night

Monday ~ November 26, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6am – 4.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • mac & cheese with hotdogs

Today’s Feelings

  • anxious

Notes

  • finished scanning my copy of the Dragon Tarot deck into my PC by 1:15am
  • started scanning my copy of the Mythic Tarot into my PC
  • watch the Facebook movie with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • evening ended with me pushing the conversation about defining our relationship again
      • I seriously can’t exist in limbo like this again
      • I need to feel appreciated and acknowledged as a real person
      • I want to be the light of someone’s life
      • he says he can’t give me these things and he wants things to stay as the way are
      • the conversation lasted hours and was very circular and painful

Tuesday ~ November 27, 2018

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 5am – 3 hours total
bed at 3pm, up at 7pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups
  • 2 slices of chocolate pie

Today’s Feelings

  • fucking wrecked and heart broken

Notes

  • I’ve lost him, he wants to go back to being friends
    • but really I feel like I lost a part of myself – a part I call home
  • my therapist thinks I’m being incredibly healthy for defining my boundaries and speaking up for my needs but I feel like I’m collapsing
    • why can’t I bridge the gap with someone and be seen and heard?
    • why do I always feel like I’m bleeding out?
    • when will I be worth the effort and emotional investment for someone?
    • and the worst part in all of this is that I can just hear my dad’s voice in the back of my head yelling at me that I am moving too fast and that’s what my problem is
      • it’s too fast to ask for respect?
      • too fast to ask for compassion?
      • too fast to ask for dignity?
      • fuck you and all of society that has programed me into believing and attending to this – I’m so tired
    • it matters now because I have 3 children that need me to take care of them for the rest of my life, so I don’t have time to fuck around with people
    • he wants me to be okay and wants to be friends still
      • I will be eventually
      • I didn’t miss the fact that he said it will bother him to see me with anyone else even though he won’t interfere
      • he says we can start hanging out when I’m ready again and to let him know and I just didn’t have it in me to tell him that I need him to reach out to me, that I need him to seek me out
        • why the fuck must I always be the one to chase people down?
        • I did end up telling him later today and he understood
          • I risk withdrawing and isolating in response to my pain
            • not healthy to do this
            • but probably not healthy to lean solely on him either
          • he seemed relieved he didn’t have to wait
  • and of course, while all of this is going on my ex-husband wants my attention on Facebook for the college savings account thing that he wants to set up for Little Bear
    • why is he not able to take care of this himself?
    • why am I required to address it?
    • I thought he was supposed to make the phone calls and take care of it?
    • it’s HIS account and HIS thing
    • why can’t he just leave me the fuck alone?
    • I ignored the message entirely – seriously cannot right now

Wednesday ~ November 28, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 slice of chocolate pie

Today’s Feelings

  • muddled and blue
  • relieved to see Little Bear doing well
  • confused

Notes

  • today is Little Bear’s first day back to public school
    • he’s starting out with partial days, but still, I hope it goes well
    • he came home after lunch very calm and has been calm all afternoon
  • I don’t understand why last night Tuxedo Cat’s father asked me why he couldn’t do these things as a friend in response to me saying that I need to share my life with someone as a team player (as in being supportive and helping me out with stuff)
    • now wait a minute… how is it you are willing to do this as a friend but not as a significant other?
      • what makes the difference here?
        • for either of us for that matter?
      • why are we both upset about this?
        • actually, I think it pissed me off more than it did him
        • he seemed more frustrated than anything
        • I still feel even on the friend scale that I’m low priority
          • he disagrees and insists that he spends more time with me than anyone else
            • while this may be a case of “slicing the pie perspective” (for a lack of a better way to put it) where you have this pie and a bunch of people want the pie and from the perspective of any one individual, all they see is they are getting a tiny slice and the rest of the pie is going to someone else while they are left still hungry
              • the problem is, I grew up with this analogy and was expected to accept the fact that I had to go without because there was simply not enough to go around because I was the oldest and thus I should be able to understand the best – this is what I was told, analogy and all
              • I’m tired of being told that not enough is actually more than my fair share and that I should be happy with it and that I need to just shut up about it or I will end up with less than what I’m getting because something is better than nothing
              • so yes, I am beyond hurt with all of this
      • yes, this has been eating at me all day
        • more so than him saying he won’t like seeing me with someone else
  • fuck me, I can’t even talk to Tuxedo Cat’s father without having a problem/crisis now
    • he honestly thinks we’ll be just fine as friends – right away even
    • but he’ll tell me bullshit like he needs to go for the night, but stays on until 1am – why can’t he just say he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore?
      • tired of being lied to
  • finished scanning in my copy of the Mythic Tarot deck

Thursday ~ November 29, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 3 hotdogs

Today’s Feelings

  • angry most of the day
  • fucked if I know for the rest of it

Notes

  • spent most of the day purging my subscription list on YouTube because I’m not sure why I decided to get around to doing this, but I did
    • it was insanely long of mostly bands that I usually just type in the search bar anyway when I want to listen to them
  • turned the active status off on Facebook so I can do the work I need to be doing for my blog without paying attention to who the hell is or isn’t online right now
    • seriously need to stop obsessing about this shit and reclaim my sanity

Friday ~ November 30, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 10:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 3 slices of pizza for lunch (because cravings)
  • 2 slices of leftover pizza for dinner (because too lazy to cook)

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this morning
  • stressed rest of the day

Notes

  • pulled, rendered, written, and scheduled Dec 2nd to Dec 8th Daily Draw posts
    • seriously feel like I should have gotten more done today
  • Little Bear was cranky a fuck after he got home from school
    • so much screaming at every game he tried to play
    • so much arguing over everything I tried to get him to do
      • especially with wearing his coat outside
    • thankfully he fell asleep on time tonight
  • the two older boys went to the high school dance tonight and had fun even though they both complained that the music was too loud
  • my mother made it clear that I’m expected to go to a birthday party this coming Sunday over at my brother’s house
    • my sister-in-law always plans these parties during Tuxedo Cat’s visitation hours – ALWAYS
    • my mother tells me that Tuxedo Cat’s father is invited too
    • why are we getting the invite at the last minute second hand?
    • Tuxedo Cat’s father should be spending his visitation time with his son, not anyone else
      • even when we were dating, he didn’t spend that block of time with me
    • the only person that seems to understand why I’m pissed off and distressed over this is Tuxedo Cat’s father
      • seriously, nothing pisses me off more than when someone tells me they are coming over to visit the kids and then they spend their time doing other things while they are here
      • this is one thing that Tuxedo Cat’s father has never done
    • so we decided we would meet at the house and let Tuxedo Cat decide what he wanted to do for his visit
      • even though I’m pretty sure all three boys will want to go for the cake if nothing else
      • at least I was able to talk to him without falling apart

Saturday ~ December 1, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 8am – 8 hours total
kept shutting off the alarms this morning – all three
napped 4pm-7pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 hotdogs

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • felt tired when I got up this morning
  • my abdomen feels bloated and cramped and just painful along with my lower back this morning too
  • spent all day studying how to raise personal frequency for one’s well-being
  • starting scanning my copy of the Goddess Guidance Oracle deck in my PC
  • still have my Facebook active status shut off

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