Toad’s Weekly Assessment #40-2018

Been a confusing, frustrating, and semi-productive week. I would like to know what normal looks like.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ December 2, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 7:30am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • sliced cheddar
  • cheesy bagel with cream cheese

Today’s Feelings

  • uneasy, distracted, and restless
  • relaxed significantly by late evening

Notes

  • finished scanning my copy of the Goddess Guidance Oracle deck into my PC
  • started updating this Friday’s Chaos Rally’s post to the new format
    • finished that this afternoon
  • started updating next week’s Chaos Rally’s post to the new format
    • finished that this evening
  • started updating the Chaos Rally post for Dec 21st to the new format
  • freezing rain outside all day
  • pissed my parents off for not wanting to go to my sister-in-law’s last minute birthday party for my brother
    • BUT she planned it to be right during Tuxedo Cat’s father’s weekly scheduled visitation time just. like. she. does. for. ALL. her. fucking. parties – every time
      • “you can’t punish your brother because of her” (coming from my dad)
      • my brother understands the social politics that’s going on with my sons’ fathers right now, please stop putting me in a fucking bind with this shit
  • my mother tonight makes this remark out of no where that I will probably be stuck living with them for the rest of their lives
    • wtf, where did this come from and why did this need to be said today?
  • hung out and watched Gotham with Tuxedo Cat’s father late into the night after his visit with our son
    • of course my parents felt the need to talk quite a bit with us so there wasn’t much watching of anything
      • oddly I don’t remember much of what they said
    • but he and I talked of our plans regarding business, writing, books, blogs, self-improvement – and I even mentioned twin flames, which he had apparently heard of before, but was new to me until recently

Monday ~ December 3, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6:30am – 6.5 hours total
napped 3pm-6pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm (almost forgot)

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • cheesy bagel with butter
  • 2 steaks (thanks Dad for dinner)

Today’s Feelings

  • pissed off this morning
  • drained as fuck and distracted as hell

Notes

  • my morning
  • I got next to nothing done today – I just couldn’t focus on any one thing today

Tuesday ~ December 4, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 5am – 7 hours total
napped 3:30pm-4:30pm – 1 hour total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • sliced cheese
  • chicken pot pie
  • sliced apple

Today’s Feelings

  • drained most of the day
  • content this evening

Notes

  • tried to finish updating the Dec 21st Chaos Rally post, but I wasn’t able to
  • watched Gotham with Tuxedo Cat’s father this evening
    • snuggled with him – seriously this isn’t what “just friends” do
      • what is wrong with me?
      • but it was gloriously comforting

Wednesday ~ December 5, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
had a rough time getting up and getting going this morning

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • 1oz. snack bag of cheddar Sun Chips
  • onion bagel with butter

Today’s Feelings

  • no idea – productive?

Notes

  • I think at this point I may have actually come down with a cold of some kind
  • finished updating Dec 21st Chaos Rally post, and started updating the Dec 28th post to the new format
    • finished that, which finished the series for the year 2018
  • some reason I felt the need to mark on my Google calendar, from this week onward, every post I have scheduled for the blog thus far
    • I don’t know yet if this will help me keep track of and plan things better or if it will only stress me out
  • started scheduling Chaos Pen Challenges for 2019 with a slightly new format

Thursday ~ December 6, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 6 cups of coffee
  • spaghetti with meat sauce and fruit salad
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • productive
  • uneasy, but relaxed significantly by dinner time

Notes

  • I’m liking this new format that includes renders in the Chaos Pen Challenge
    • scheduled all of Jan 2019 posts
  • scheduled the Daily Draw posts for the week of Dec 9th – Dec 15th
  • I’m noticing evidence that my ex-husband is stalking me on Facebook with his active status shut off
    • he’s suddenly commenting on the walls of mutual friends when he hasn’t been in ages, but only on the walls that I’ve been interacting with in high frequency as of late – namely, Tuxedo Cat’s father
      • yes, he wants me to notice him and that’s why he’s doing it
      • and yes, I have noticed that he’s commenting on posts I don’t comment on – and yes, he’s doing that on purpose too
        • this way if I say something about it, I look crazy and bad
        • I still remember how he wanted NOTHING to do with him until I said I wanted a divorce and then suddenly he friended him and wanted to be buddies
    • when I shared all of this with Tuxedo Cat’s father, he suggested that I just block him and leave him only an email address and one land line with which to contact me with about Little Bear only
      • I truly appreciate him understanding why I feel like I’m losing my mind and that something seriously needs to give here
  • spent the evening with my sons and Tuxedo Cat’s father

Friday ~ December 7, 2018

Mood: -0.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 3 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 2A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm, up at 6am – 6.5 hours total
napped 7pm-9pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 2pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • bowl of fruit salad

Today’s Feelings

  • a very dark black
    • by evening, nearing flash point

Notes

  • added back the anxiety and irritability rating scales to the tracker
    • not sure how to explain it, but sometimes they do feel like symptoms to me rather than like emotions
        sometimes it’s like they are layered on top of or beneath how I am feeling rather than it being my actual emotional state
  • Little Bear and Scholar Owl had a lava disaster on the locally hosted server which ended up destroying Little Bear’s base
    • naturally this was the end of the world for Little Bear and as a result he fell apart quite dramatically
    • this of course pissed my dad off royally to the point of threatening to shut off the internet for everyone if I couldn’t get him under control
      • seriously?! this shit is getting old
      • Little Bear’s response to this was ask me if we could live somewhere else
      • I’ve noticed that the more my dad thinks we’re stuck here, the worse his behavior towards us gets
  • completed scheduling of February’s posts for Chaos Pen Challenges
  • tried to ask Tuxedo Cat’s father out tonight, but he had plans already
    • just as well, with the mood Dad is in I don’t think I’d be allowed to go anywhere without getting backlash for it
    • I fucking seriously need to find another safe friend to hang out with
      • seriously need someone to hang out with and talk face to face with and get this shit out of my system
      • I know I’m not going to overcome my fear of hanging out some place alone over night and I’m tired of feeling like backup or an after thought
        • like I’m the one you hang out with if no one else is available
        • he didn’t even offer a rain check or anything, so yeah
          • people do this kind of shit on the regular and wonder why their friends and loved ones feel hurt
  • 15 minutes into ex-husband’s phone call with the boys, my dad was hollering at the boys about getting the dishes done right this second
    • keep this shit up with disrupting the phone calls and he’s going to land my ass in court

Saturday ~ December 8, 2018

Mood: -1M(?) ~ Energy: 1 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 12:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10:30pm

Meals

  • 7 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • I’m hitting the nope button today
  • anxiety med not helping AT ALL
    • fuck this shit
    • fuck this shit all to hell
  • just wrecked
  • second dose of the anxiety med helped – within 2 hours later
    • should have taken it sooner

Notes

  • finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for week Dec 16th – Dec 22nd
  • after early this morning I decided I’m going to try to stay off Facebook
    • so much stress there right now it’s insane
    • failing at this today
  • started writing up birthday reading for my mother
  • making an effort to avoid my father today
  • I’m starting to have an undercurrent of dark thought run through my head
    • it’s been there awhile, nothing I want to talk about, but it’s starting to get to the point that I can’t push it aside anymore
      • I don’t like it
      • I don’t want to give it words
      • I’ve probably been rating my mood too high since October
      • I keep hoping that staying busy will pull me out of this
        • familiar with The Nothing from The Never Ending Story?
          • I feel like I’m running from that right now
  • I sent Tuxedo Cat’s father a text around 1:30pm asking him if he wanted to do something with me tonight
    • he texts me back at 5pm that he would let me know later because he has tentative plans with another friend
      • I told him not to bother
      • not willing to hang on a thread anymore
      • also tired of being someone’s back up plan
      • FUCK THIS SHIT
        • you don’t want me to hate you? well, you’re doing a bang up job of preventing that from happening aren’t you
        • and of course he immediately tried to spin it that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do anything tonight and said if I wanted to hang out with him after he visited with Tuxedo Cat (aka fucking binge watch more Gotham) then, sure he was cool with that, but it’s up to me
        • if this was my ex-husband, I would think he has found someone else based on all this but Tuxedo Cat’s father has been my friend for ages and I have never known him to do that to anyone so I wish my brain would stop screaming this into my head right now
        • I’ve probably ruined our friendship by being upset about this, but seriously being treated this way sucks in every way possible
          • I just hope I can reconcile this somehow
        • I’m having a hard time sorting out how much of this is real and how much is from my illness right now
      • tentative reconciliation – I sincerely hope I don’t come to regret this as I did with my ex-husband
        • I think he might have ghosted me when he said he was going to eat and come back
    • I’m worried I’m actually in a mixed state at this point
      • I don’t want to be alone in my head right now but I don’t feel like I have anyone I can trust to talk to available right now
      • too much energy
      • too much dark, ugly, angry thoughts
      • pervasive, intrusive, whispering bullshit I don’t want in my head
      • I’m afraid to tell him because then he’ll think I’m trying to make him feel guilty at this point and I can’t do that to him – I won’t
        • I want him to be with me because he wants to be, not because he feels obligated
        • I want to be a light, not a burden
        • why are my meds not working?
        • fuck, I told him
          • now he wants me to contact the hospital to make an earlier med appointment (I will)
          • and he also told me that he doesn’t want to be my “hero” anymore (I get it, his plate is full)
          • we’re probably not friends anymore – not like we were anyway
            • and he’s still friended with my ex-husband

This song came up in my YouTube feed at the right time tonight:


One thought on “Toad’s Weekly Assessment #40-2018

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.