Currently Stable, But Somewhat Lost

So last night I went out with Tuxedo Cat’s father. But since I’ve only mentioned all of this in passing in my mood trackers, allow me to recap things a bit first.

Not sure why I fell in love with him again, or as hard as I have, but I did. We started seeing each other this summer and in the beginning it was supposed to be just “friends with benefits.” My idea, but I should have known better.

He’s always been a good friend to me. Always. It’s just any time we try to be anything more than that things fall out of alignment and go side ways. In the past, I have always been the one to run away.

This time, he’s the one that isn’t ready for commitment and it wasn’t until Little Bear was admitted to in-patient that the two of us realized that we were seriously not on the same page with this.

The reality is, when I got divorced I thought I was ready to get out there and have fun.

But I’m not.

I’m all done with thrill seeking and bullshit. I’m all  done with games and takers.

That’s not what I want or need.

I need stability. I need security. I need loyalty. I need someone who understands. I need someone willing to fight for me.

My children do too.

We need these things today. Needed them yesterday. Needed them seventeen years ago.

I understand this now.

So last week happened. Then the night before happened.

And finally, last night we went out to dinner. But we didn’t make it on time to play pool together. We went Christmas shopping for the boys instead and then came back to my home to watch more episodes of Gotham together.

Yet, none of it felt like a date to me. I need to make that clear. Not sure what it was to him, but he spent more time on his phone than he ever used to around me. I don’t know. Maybe I am more sensitive to it right now after the other night when he said he would be right back and left me to wait for two hours. I am convinced that if I hadn’t sent a message at that point asking what was up that he would have ghosted me that night.

So the distance I felt between us was profound. That glass wall effect I have talked so often about, where I am on the outside looking in? I felt that between us for the first time since… I don’t know.

We still hugged and kissed before he went home – like always.

So I’m left wondering… what the fuck are we doing? But he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to have this conversation anymore.

What is the message we’re sending to these boys?

Keep in mind that one of these boys is his too. So it’s not like I can tell him to fuck off and kick his ass to the curb. He has always been very active in their lives.

He’s just not always in mine.

At this point I’m pretty certain that even though he’s still my friend, he isn’t a trusted friend any more.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

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