Toad’s Weekly Assessment #41-2018

“Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.” No idea who first said that, but it’s something I need to start doing. But it’s more than that. I feel beyond pestered.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 12/09/2018

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ December 9, 2018

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 9am

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 50mg Topamax @ 9:30am (almost out of meds)
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 11am
  • 25mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • Chicken Parm.

Today’s Feelings

  • ashamed about yesterday
  • much calmer than yesterday

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s father and I have a reconciliation
    • we both recognize that we haven’t been taking care of ourselves properly
    • burning the candle at both ends and completely draining ourselves
      • he’s plagued with guilt as a result
      • I’m feeling bled out as a result
  • we have plans tonight to go out together away from the kids to do something fun for each other
  • ex-husband’s father called
    • spoke with the boys
    • then spoke with me, trying to spring a “surprise” visit on me until I tried to confirm the date, then he realized the date wasn’t going to work for him and by the time another day will work for him it was going to be when his son is here anyway so… not sorry
      • I am fully aware that this was supposed to be his “surprise” investigation visit that he always does just before his son comes to visit
        • he always does this every month his son is coming
          • it’s never a question of if, but a matter of when
  • both Little Bear and Tuxedo Cat had a rough day
  • Little Bear fell asleep earlier tonight though
  • dinner with Tuxedo Cat’s father tonight was nice
    • wasn’t able to play pool, we got there too late
    • we went Xmas shopping for the boys instead
    • then watched more Gotham together
  • Tuxedo Cat was still awake when I got home from Xmas shopping
  • Scholar Owl woke up later and watch Gotham with us

Monday ~ December 10, 2018

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 50mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 25mg Topamax @ 6pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • hot dogs, potatoes, carrots

Today’s Feelings

  • frustrated
  • stuck
  • down

Notes

  • having second thoughts about last night’s dinner, even though it was nice
  • Little Bear had an episode first thing this morning
    • HE FUCKING BOLTED FROM ME WHILE OUTSIDE
    • got no help from my parents
      • and when I finally got him into the special services transport and went inside, Mom demanded to know if he’s actually swallowing his pills
        • seriously?!
        • how many times do I have to say pills don’t magically fix everything?
  • my brother was taken to the hospital by my father around 11am
    • at the moment I have no idea why – my parents didn’t say why
    • didn’t find out why until my father came home at 5pm
      • his blood pressure was sky high and he had a massive head ache
      • they ran brain scans and tests to make sure it wasn’t more than that
  • A request for my refill was put in, but the soonest an appointment could be made was mid-Jan.
    • like, wtf? what happened to the appointment that should have happened before my meds ran out? did I miss it somehow or did it not get scheduled or what? because it doesn’t exist apparently
  • I spent the entire day mostly in a daze of worry – nothing productive really got done
    • some laundry – 3 loads by the end of day – none folded
    • wasn’t planning to message Tuxedo Cat’s father about any of this, but did by dinner – not sure why
      • he wasn’t going to come over at first, but changed his mind
      • towards end of dinner, Dad joined us and started up with his political shit which got Scholar Owl going
        • Tuxedo Cat’s father surprised the hell out of me by asking me if I wanted to go see Bohemian Rhapsody at the dollar theater showing in a hour that night
          • it was a lovely movie – anyone who hasn’t seen it, I do recommend it
          • after the movie, we came back and watched more Gotham

Tuesday ~ December 11, 2018

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 50mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 25mg Topamax @ 6pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • pork chops baked with BBQ sauce, fresh mangos, fresh pineapples, fresh sugar snap peas, and boiled sweet potatoes (Little Bear ate the cherry tomatoes as soon as I brought them in the door, so they didn’t make it to the dinner table)

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
  • went Xmas shopping and grocery shopping after therapy
    • Dad griped, “So you finally decided to come home,” when I got back and I had told him I had errands to run while I was out
  • Dad has started up again with the “Tuxedo Cat’s father is a nice guy but….”
    • “I worry that you’re just two lonely people.”
      • He got angry when I tried to call him out on this one.
      • He countered that he isn’t talking about not having friends.
      • Not entirely sure what he’s getting at because at this point he dove into indirect language here, so what he said implies something.
        • People my age should be married and settled down by now.
          • I know he isn’t aiming this at me since I’m divorced.
          • This is aimed at Tuxedo Cat’s father, who’s never been married.
    • “It’s bothers me that he can’t hold a job for some reason.”
      • Yeah, he’s currently unemployed.
      • I don’t know how long he had his last job.
      • Dad tried to compare his track record to my brothers’ work history.
        • why are you tracking this?
        • why are you comparing this?
      • He also told me that he had discussed it with my brother in California.
        • again, why?
        • am I the only one to find it odd to treat your oldest child this way?
        • he then tried to make it sound like Tuxedo Cat’s father only stays employed long enough to qualify for unemployment and then rides unemployment until it runs out before getting the next job
          • this was when I brought up my work history
          • he dropped it with, “I just don’t understand why he can’t keep a job is all.”
            • fine, why is it any of your business?
            • for the record, of the three fathers, he is the only one that has never missed a child support payment so kindly fuck off with whatever it is you’re trying to peddle here
    • Money management came up indirectly – by griping about other people
      • when I mentioned that I appreciate Tuxedo Cat’s father having the same mind set I do about it, he said, “He didn’t used to.”
        • the time he’s referring to was back before Tuxedo Cat was born
        • I called him out on that, he then said the guy has grown up a lot since then
    • “He’s not who I would pick, but as long as the two of you are happy.”
      • This comes up as he brings up my brother and his wife.
      • He reminded me of my ex-husband – whom he never liked and was very open about.
        • Interesting Side Note: he was also very direct and open about his opinions of Scholar Owl’s father
          • he liked that man
          • he sided with that man often until I had proof he was violent
          • at that time he was pushing for me to settle down – hard
            • he never directly pushed me for that again after that
              • even when I was pregnant with Little Bear, he was focused on shaming me on how I wasn’t going to be able to handle another kid as a single parent
    • Personal Observation: this isn’t the first time he has done this regarding Tuxedo Cat’s father
      • the first time was when we were teens
      • it has been all the same, indirect speeches
      • everything sounds disapproving, but he won’t come out and give me one clear reason why
        • not like he did with my ex-husband
          • which actually he gave me many – he really did not like him
      • this shit comes up every time Tuxedo Cat’s father and I start spending any significant amount of time together
        • even while I was married actually
          • with the added, “It’s a shame the two of you weren’t able to make it work.”
            • if this is how you feel then why are you trying to plant seeds of doubt and paranoia now?
            • why do you feel the need to fuck with my head?
  • I’m beginning to think that Dad is worried that if I find someone to commit myself to that I will move out, and for some reason he’s already made it clear he wants me to stay here.
    • He’s been on a campaign the past few weeks to remind me how stuck I am here and I how much I need to be taken care of.
    • He’s bitching about money and bills again.
    • He has often said he doesn’t like the house being empty.
    • He brought up giving this house to me again – even during all of this shit.
      • still not holding my breath on this one
        • he’s fixing it up according to Mom’s tastes and preferences and not asking me for any input
        • he made an off-hand statement earlier today that this house is old enough now that he will have to build me a new one
          • I’m tired of rising bars and chasing carrots with this man
    • I’m getting tired of guessing what the fuck this man wants from me.
  • The part that peeves me the most this time around about this conversation with my dad is that I think the trigger was that I mentioned participating in a Xmas fundraiser that a friend of Tuxedo Cat’s father is running in the town next over for families in need.
    • He’s a local musician
      • the kind of people I have always liked to support, and my dad knows it
    • I mentioned bringing the boys – namely Scholar Owl and Tuxedo Cat
      • this seemed to upset him more than anything
        • maybe because as usual, he doesn’t want to babysit for me
      • however, Tuxedo Cat’s father walked me over to where the venue will be on our way to the movie and pointed out how small the place is
        • once crowded and the music starts, it will likely be too much for the boys sensory wise
        • him and I discussed this tonight, and he brought up the sensory issue – don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it
        • I still want to go, so it looks like I’ll be going by myself
          • I seriously owe Scholar Owl for babysitting
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father showed up for dinner, as planned mind you, in time to interrupt the stupid conversation with my dad
    • we went out to play pool – which my father seemed mildly annoyed with
      • I need to do something nice for Scholar Owl since he’s been the one babysitting Little Bear
      • sadly the pool hall had league night and the tables were all busy
    • he suggested that I go finish my Xmas shopping
      • just Piggie and her hubby left now – I hope at least
        • nope, need something for my ex-husband’s family from the boys
        • boys need to go shopping for me and each other still
    • we finished watching all of what Netflix has for Gotham right now
      • very sad, great show
    • watched first episode of The Haunting – which drew me right in

Wednesday ~ December 12, 2018

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 50mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 25mg Topamax @ 6:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6:30pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • med. cup Dr. Pepper
  • philly cheese steak sub with fries
  • pecan sticky bun

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • a little out of place tonight

Notes

  • picked up my med refill (finally)
    • I will say that it feels like taking the anti-anxiety med on a fixed schedule right now is helping
  • got more of my Xmas shopping done with Scholar Owl
    • asked how he would like me to compensate him for babysitting
      • he said taking him out to eat would be fine
  • and of course today Dad did nothing but sing praise for Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • don’t know if it’s because Scholar Owl spoke highly of him within my father’s earshot this morning or what
  • took the boys to their music lessons
    • Tuxedo Cat is still composing his own music
    • Scholar Owl is learning to play Smoke on the Water
  • went to Riff’s Xmas fund raiser gig with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • it was nice he invited me to go with him
    • I only knew one person well and about two other people in passing
    • his body language made it clear he wasn’t comfortable with me touching him
    • I was introduced to everyone as his son’s mother
      • that bothered me
      • I feel like it’s a picky or petty thing, but damn…
      • I have a name. I am a person.
      • Why must I struggle so hard to be seen and heard?
      • a part of me is now glad that on impulse I had Scholar Owl take a pic of me and post it as my new profile pic on Facebook
        • I have never had an image of my real face of me on my profile ever up there
        • for years I have wanted to be judge and valued solely for my mind alone, not my appearance
          • and I desperately wanted to find an honest connection with others through that as well
            • I’m no longer certain as to whether this ideal has served me at all – I’m beginning to have doubts: I feel invisible

Thursday ~ December 13, 2018

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 2 tablets of Tums @ 10pm

Meals

  • 6 cups of coffee
  • beef grilling strips with fries and mangos

Today’s Feelings

  • distracted
  • aggravated this afternoon
  • calm, but disappointed this evening

Notes

  • added our household chores to my Google calendar…
    • wtf… no wonder there is so much stress in my life right now
    • no wonder things aren’t getting done
    • too much overlap, hopefully I have things re-juggled better
      • and to hell what Dad thinks about when they need to be done
        • we can’t be in multiple places at once
        • I’m tired of trying
  • it’s been uplifting to have Tuxedo Cat’s father go out of his way to reach out to me this morning via text about his day
    • he had a job interview and he thinks it went well
  • having trouble focusing on anything today other than socializing on Facebook
  • working on finishing typing up my mother’s birthday reading
  • learning about the Emotional Bank Account
    • applies to ALL types of relationships
    • basically:
      • for every negative experience during a conflict you need 5 positive experiences to create a balance
      • for daily interaction you need a 20 positive experiences to 1 negative experience
      • positive experiences are deposits
        • big and small events are actually of equal weight here
      • negative experiences are withdraws
        • it would be nice to believe the weight here is equal as well, but the article doesn’t discuss that
          • I think it may be safe to assume that the weight is equal to the pain caused by the experience and that this is why so many positive experiences are required to rectify the balance
      • relationships breakdown when the balance falls into the red
        • people will eventually turn away from and abandon red balances
      • relationships prosper when the balance stays in the green
        • people will eventually turn toward and embrace green balances
      • the balance that someone has for you is entirely dependent upon the experiences you give them
  • Little Bear had yet another aggressive tantrum over Minecraft
    • this resulted in Little Bear getting assigned with an immediate cleaning task
      • which of course sent him into a screaming rage
      • and of course my mother just felt the need to try to get herself involved
        • I slammed the door on her as she was coming up the stairs while trying to force him to clean
          • seriously, don’t need this shit
        • and of course she complained to Dad about me slamming the door, but not bothering to mention me trying to get Little Bear to clean
          • this pissed Dad off and he went back downstairs to tell her to mind her own business
            • okay… fine, but why doesn’t he mind his own business when I’m trying to manage this kid?
  • watched Creed with Tuxedo Cat’s father tonight after dinner
    • disappointed that he wasn’t in the mood to be affectionate tonight because he was so tired from everything he had to do today
      • a painful reminder of the distance between us now
        • he called it off Nov. 27th, but while we have gone out since then… he hasn’t touched me more than a hug and a light kiss since then
          • the last time we had any passion between us was before that day
    • curious that despite that he had asked me what made me decide to post a pic of the real me on my Facebook profile and instead of answering that directly, I talked about why I never have
      • it was clear to me that he didn’t understand at all my reasons for not doing it
        • which was awkward, so I never got around to explaining why I did it last night
        • but really…
          • I’m tired of feeling invisible
          • I’m tired of being stuck behind a glass wall
          • I’m tired of being a bird in a cage
          • I’m tired of being alone
          • I’m just tired
      • besides, I haven’t forgotten the strong reaction he made to another girl’s photo on Facebook near Halloween
        • she was dressed like a cop with fishnet stockings – need I say more?
        • this is why my brain insists he has found someone else
          • if he was my ex-husband, this is exactly what all of this would mean
            • the timing and everything fits
            • and no, I didn’t find this post until this week
            • none of this would be a big deal if I felt secure in this quasi-relationship
              • but he is the one that has made it clear he doesn’t want to commit, that this isn’t anything more than friends

Friday ~ December 14, 2018

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • scallop plate at Vittles with an extra side of veggies

Today’s Feelings

  • lonely and empty

Notes

  • more research on healthy relationships
  • I’ve often complained in the past about feeling empty… just figured out today that it can be a sign of depression, particularly in those in the habit of stuffing away their feelings
    • I need to pay more attention to that since I am aware this emptiness is a cyclic thing for me
  • also interesting side note in all of this that has come to bear – especially thanks to research in Autism, childhood development, and research in relationship dynamics:
    • normal female development involves discovering the self through relationships right up to the “mid-life crisis” point, then they shift to discovering themselves through independence and autonomy
    • normal male development is the exact opposite pattern
    • keep in mind this is based on average patterns
      • I didn’t grow up with the average pattern, so I’m wondering if this is part of why I’m flagged with the Schizoid label instead of the Asperger’s label
        • I was born female, but I followed the male development pattern
        • I even have a male presentation with all of my symptoms
        • I know it’s because of the way I was raised
          • I am the first born son that wasn’t and I’ve known that since I was little (since 5 or 6 years old)
            • I tried to be my father’s son right up until my first period
              • maybe a part of me still tries
    • the mid-life point right now is roughly 40-50 years old
  • seriously… why is there no one giving out honest to god dating advice that is useful, practical, and genuine for those that have mental illness and disorders?!
    • so tired of hearing shit like, “If they have “X, Y, or Z” run the fuck away because you don’t need that.”
    • I’m not some kind of demon or hell spawn.
      • fuck all you people
    • I’m also tired of finding videos of men giving women advice that basically says to let their men do whatever the fuck it is they want
      • “let him ghost you because all men need freedom”
        • ah, no… if someone ghosts you they really shouldn’t be allowed to come back like nothing happened
          • something I struggle with… I know
          • but for real, this is “Hurt and Rescue” behavior
      • seriously? how is this bullshit healthy for anyone?!
  • went to Vittles by myself to eat tonight, hoping to lift my spirits
    • it did a little in the sense that the staff there has always been good to me
      • it’s a home away from home
    • Tuxedo Cat’s father reached out while I was away asking me how my day was
      • he immediately felt… I don’t know… when I mentioned this outing
        • I then pointed out that he didn’t want me bothering him with any of this and told him I’ll be fine
        • then he was all like, “I don’t know. I gotta run [his daughter] wants me to play with her,” so I told him bye because I didn’t know what else to say
  • so damn tired and all I really want to do is crawl into a hole and fucking cry
    • but all I’ve done today is mostly sit here and just space the fuck out
      • something needs to give
        • I can’t keep going like this

Saturday ~ December 15, 2018

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7pm night before, up at 4am – 9 hours total
haven’t been able to nap no matter how many times I’ve tried
bed at 10pm, up at midnight – 2 hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • rejected, dejected, and discarded
  • angry and confused
  • unsafe and afraid
  • exhausted

Notes

  • woke up this morning to find that he said me using phrases like “loud and clear” comes across pissy and is a turn off and that it doesn’t help that he is also in a blah mood
    • no, I’m not in a blah mood. I’m depressed and passively suicidal
    • I didn’t realize that I am still required to turn you on even though you aren’t willing to commit to me
    • so yeah, there was more he said and I blew up his messages as a result
    • he logged in later this morning, he started out upset, I popped in this track and tried to keep myself cool and not speak from a place of pain
      • we worked through it and work it out
      • turns out, he has recognized that I am passively suicidal and has been at a loss as to what to do about it so he through up a wall
      • he said he would be on off and on today if his daughter would allow him, which gave me the impression that he would be available to me if I needed him
        • I feel like he’s avoiding me instead – he has logged in but doesn’t say anything and when I have messaged him, he immediately logs out
          • no, it’s my anxiety talking – seriously I need to find a way to develop a secure attachment style before I kill this connection we have between us
            • he asked me if he should stop coming around completely because I said that it hurts that he wants to be just friends and for me to be just okay with it
              • it was more than casual before he called it off, that’s why he has apologized for leading me on because he didn’t want anything more than that
              • and the part that sucks the most is I’m not the only one that got the wrong idea from all this
                • the boys did too
                  • Scholar Owl in particular
          • okay no. not fucking imagining this – he is doing that so long as I don’t call him out on it
            • once today I called him on it, and then he talked to me claiming he wasn’t avoiding me
            • then after that he has logged in twice without saying a word to me after telling me he would talk to me later
            • we talked later when I noticed something really fucking weird with my blog
  • stuff I need to work on
  • more weird behavior on my blog suggesting that I’m being stalked by ex-husband
    • and if that wasn’t bad enough, my PC was glitching out while I was on Facebook shortly after while I was trying to quietly ask around about it
      • I think the cause was me running the local network Minecraft server on this PC, but usually that doesn’t create a problem
      • in light of this, I feel the need to only post my mood tracker this week on the blog
      • I feel like I’m losing my mind and I suspect this is intentional
        • all I have ever wanted was a quiet life, that’s it
        • I’m so damn tired
        • right at the moment, I am unsure about who I can trust
          • hopefully sleep can clear my head

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