Toad’s Weekly Assessment #42-2018

It’s been a rough week with my dad, but it ended on a high note.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ December 16, 2018

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 10am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • pot roast dinner

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • woke up to the sound of Little Bear and my dad screaming at each other
    • my son blew up over a game
    • which pissed off my dad
    • which then pissed off my son
    • verbal shots were fired
    • end result is my dad decided that my son can no longer touch my dad’s machine’s downstairs
      • it’s like watching a young Piggie and my dad all over again
        • my dad is still an asshole that will egg you on
        • Little Bear (and my sister from our very young days for that matter) doesn’t know when to quit and just walk away in silence
          • because seriously, when my dad gets like this he’s itching for a fight and just wants an excuse to fuck with you
          • so no, neither of them will leave it alone and you’d think the ADULT of the two would have enough sense to do so
          • and yes, I know what I’m talking about here: I’ve only been watching this dynamic play out on repeat for over 40 years
            • I just haven’t figured out where the hell the stop button is
            • and no child should ever need to grow up like this
  • okay, so both of my parents are on a mission to be antagonistic towards Little Bear today
    • nothing he does is ever right and they just can’t leave it alone today
    • at this rate I really will lose custody of him
  • asked Mom about when I should put in a pot roast in for dinner if I wanted it ready by 5:30-6pm, because I was thinking about that for dinner and headed for the store
    • she said it needed to be in at 2:30pm
    • she didn’t tell me she planned on using the kitchen for cooking
    • she then got mad that I actually used the oven
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over dinner, not just visit our son
    • we watched Christmas Chronicles together
    • Scholar Owl actually enjoyed the movie with us
    • him and I talked, trying to find some kind of compromise where the both of us are happy and feel comfortable in whatever our relationship is
      • it’s not casual and it’s not just friends
      • but it’s not boyfriend/girlfriend either
      • it’s a complicated thing
        • he feels pressured and his freedom threatened
          • despite my assurances I’m not trying to rob his freedom
        • I feel insecure and all sorts of abandonment triggers abounding
          • despite his assurances he’s not abandoning me
        • but we’re not a thing
        • but we had great sex tonight – seriously, zero complaints here
        • I think it’s safe to declare we both have avoidant attachment styles
          • I have an anxious-avoidant style right now
            • I want to figure out how to move myself to a secure attachment style so I stop freaking out over abandonment triggers and I stop pissing people off with push-pull games (yes, I’m aware I do it)

Monday ~ December 17, 2018

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 3 pumpkin cookies

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • did a lot of video studying on relationships, self-improvement, and self-love today
    • hence the notes above on yesterday about attachment styles
      • lots of work on me to do
  • my mother did her Xmas baking today
  • pretty sure I have finally found the eye of my storm – I think I found it Sunday morning, but I’m certain now

Tuesday ~ December 18, 2018

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time: may need to restructure this section

Tuxedo Cat’s father walked me through the workout series he set up for me after I had spoke to my doctor about my cholesterol and bone/joint health

I was dismayed to discover how much weakness I now have, especially in my core, since giving birth to Little Bear – many of the exercises that work on the core that I used to be able to do, I can’t do right now

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • medium coffee from gas station
  • shrimp, salad, mango, raspberries, potato salads (2 kinds)

Today’s Feelings

  • uplifted
  • disappointed
  • comforted

Notes

  • Dad woke up in a bad mood this morning
    • right off the bat he was yelling at Tuxedo Cat to hurry up in the bathroom so he could have it
      • Tuxedo Cat is always in the bathroom for half an hour every morning – like clockwork
  • really not happy with the behavior of Scholar Owl and Little Bear today
    • no matter where we went, they had to fight and bicker
      • the hospital
      • the grocery store
      • epic scenes. every. where.
        • some slightly amusing if they weren’t my children
          • “stop touching me”
            • yes, a 17 year old felt the need to say this loudly on repeat
            • yes, a small part of me found this insanely funny
              • only these were my children and they were following me as they were doing it on repeat
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over tonight for dinner
    • I was really looking forward to seeing him
      • based on our conversation on Facebook last night, I had the impression that we would have a deep talk tonight but he wasn’t in the mood for that at all
      • instead he did finally walk me through the workout he set up for me that my doctor wants me to start doing for bone density
        • when he was done with that he wanted to watch Netflix to relax – wasn’t even in the mood for sex
          • I wasn’t able to do that – I have too much energy to just sit for an non-interactive activity
          • he ended up going home early
            • okay, now allow me to be clear here that I am aware I’ve got some hyper-sexuality going on right now and super kudos to him for holding to his boundaries tonight without being a dick about it
              • if you haven’t read my posts about consent and hyper-sexuality, then you probably don’t understand why this is insanely important to me
                • what matters is he gets it
                  • he was respectful about it and it didn’t turn into some ugly scene of shame
  • an old friend reached out on Facebook and kept me company tonight
    • idle chat, but engaging, and a bit of memory lane
      • he was one of the first guys I met with long hair after my dad retired from the military so it was a novelty for me back then
        • really thick, long black hair
    • it was pleasant and comforting to know I still have friends out there that don’t mind long winded conversations
    • we talked for about an hour

Wednesday ~ December 19, 2018

Mood: -1h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 7am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • I thought I took them this morning, but the pills are still there in the morning pocket of the box for today
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 2:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 8pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 pumpkin cookies
  • a handful of shrimps
  • pasta w/ tomato sauce, mangos, and green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • vigilant
  • defeated
  • uplifted

Notes

  • Mom announced to me that we have Home Teachers coming over today and she expected me to spend time with them, she was miffed that I told her I wasn’t interested
  • I’m also tired of Dad threatening to beat my son’s ass if I can’t get him under control just because he yells at a video game
    • told him my concern about Little Bear’s father will start gunning for custody if Little Bear takes this back to him – especially now that Little Bear is bitching about living here and hating his grandfather
      • this is a fear my father has planted in my head I might add
      • so Dad gets pissed and starts in with this shit about how it’s ridiculous how no one can say anything to me without pissing me off
        • I wasn’t angry and I didn’t even raise my voice
          • honestly, I was scared shitless to speak up about this but I’m more scared about seeing the boys separated for life
            • seriously, fuck that
        • the logical part of me knows he’s just saying that to make me back off and shut the fuck up and give him his way because this is what he always does to me to call him out on his behavior
          • especially when I stuck to my guns and insisted that my son is a person when he told me that if I can’t get him under control then he will and just “beating his ass” is not legal
          • then he goes into this speech of how he can’t deal with the screaming – okay… but it’s completely fine for you to pitch the same exact kind of fits over the games and computers?
            • and yes, he does it
    • I was raised to believe that acceptable behavior was a sign of excellence and character. I’ve come to realize that acceptable behavior is actually based upon his current tolerance level and mood. All my life I’ve been nothing more to him than a living doll.
      • I’ve been chasing a carrot that never existed
      • what concerns me now is that he expects the same of my children
    • I’m also tired of him assuming I’m not doing anything about it unless he hears me yelling
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over for dinner and spent the evening with me
    • sadly, he had a terrible day today
      • didn’t get the job he had been working really hard to get
        • which really sucks – why have them drive 2 hours in for a 7 hour training and then sign up for an online course if you aren’t going to hire the person?
      • serious toothache

Thursday ~ December 20, 2018

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6:15am – 3.75 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

  • 30min. Walk on Treadmill – incline 0, speed 1
  • didn’t do anything else today because my legs and lower back had me wanting to DIE and… well, see below in the notes…

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • calm
  • relieved
  • aggravated, distressed, and just done with the bullshit

Notes

  • unfriended my ex-husband on Facebook after creating a new hotmail account just for him to contact me with
    • it was liberating
  • Little Bear blew up and before I could even get started on handling it, Dad is right up here getting involved – to the point where he grabbed my son’s face
    • then when I break them up and get Dad to leave the room, Little Bear escalates and wrecks the room
      • I ended up struggling trying to get him into a proper safety restraint hold and just wasn’t able to
      • my entire right side is a dull burning ache of fire now, no joke
      • seriously considered making the call to take his ass back to the hospital it was that bad
    • I try to talk to Dad again, telling him to stop getting involved and he escalates and tells me that if I can’t keep him under control that we can just move the fuck out
      • far as he’s concerned, he’s not even remotely part of the problem at all
      • he even went so far as to say my son’s diagnosis is bullshit and he’s tired of the excuses
        • he’s for some reason convinced that I haven’t raised my other two sons in the exact same way
          • and for the record, I have because I distinctly recall him accusing me of spoiling them rotten too back then
            • he just doesn’t like the fact I’m not doing things his way
            • he also claims that Little Bear is worse than Piggie ever was
            • Dad is also doing a lot of the same scapegoating shit to he used to do when we were growing up
              • he’s blaming Little Bear for anything that happens he can’t explain
                • something comes up missing? Little Bear
                • something broken? Little Bear
                • all of the kids loud and rowdy? Little Bear
                • you get the idea
              • he does a similar thing with my brother’s step daughter – especially when she lived here
      • I should have kept my mouth shut, but I did say if we move out we won’t see him again
        • totally not cool
        • but seriously, where the fuck would we go this time of year?
        • and I’m really tired of people treating me like they have me over a barrel or in some kind of corner
    • bless his heart, Tuxedo Cat’s father allowed me to vent and think it through
      • yes, he tried to play devil’s advocate
        • yeah I get it, Little Bear gets out of hand – believe me I know!
          • where the fuck was anybody the day when this kid tried to throw himself out a window?
          • or the day he tried to throw himself out the car on the freeway?
          • the list goes on
          • trust me when I say he is not worse than he ever used to be right now
            • fuck all you people who say this

Friday ~ December 21, 2018

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6:30am – 5 hours total
napped 1:30pm-3pm – 1.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11pm for body pain

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • chocolate muffins
  • ham steak, loaded baked potato, salad

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated
  • down
  • in a lot of pain – using my migraine scale, I’m fluxing between 1 and 2 with it
    • both legs, right ribs, left shoulder, whole back
    • depends on the kind of movement I try to do
  • brain fog – is that a feeling or symptom?

Notes

  • Dad is played nice while I’m in the room – like ultra nice – but the moment he thinks I can’t hear him, he starts up with his bitching about me
    • he’s also being super nice to Little Bear today but calls him “Little Shit” to my face when he isn’t in ear shot
    • I am familiar with this process and pattern
      • and oddly enough it’s the same as the one my ex-husband has
      • it’s a shame that it took me getting married to that guy to recognize this for what it really is
        • note that while this cycle is always the same, it appears different for everyone
          • for example, my ex always apologized but my father rarely does during the reconciliation phase
  • okay, Dad isn’t entirely playing nice today – he showed his disdain card tonight while asking me if Tuxedo Cat’s father was coming over tonight
    • he’s been accusing me lately that I only cook dinner when he comes over to eat, which isn’t true
      • Dad’s idea of cooking is fucking skewed anyhow
      • the boys get fed every night so I don’t know why he’s pissed
        • jealous perhaps that he’s been stuck cooking for himself most nights?
        • prior to Tuxedo Cat’s father coming over in greater frequency, he used to just bitch at Mom for not cooking his dinner
          • now he bitches at my meal prep pattern
            • I batch cook and he sees it as lazy
            • what I really don’t like is that he’s gotten Scholar Owl to side with him on this one because my son doesn’t like leftovers
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father and I took the boys to see the Bumblebee movie tonight
    • everyone liked it, very nice movie – not the dark themed story like the other ones are
    • as much as I wanted to end the evening on a high note, I wasn’t able to
      • I was in a lot of pain and driving had made it worse

Saturday ~ December 22, 2018

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 9:30am – 7.5 hours total
napped 3:30pm-5:30pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 10am for body pain
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 2pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 5pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • large apple hard cider
  • salad
  • leftover chicken parm.

Today’s Feelings

  • calm
  • joy

Notes

  • finished Xmas shopping for everyone except getting the boys out there to get a gift for me
  • legs feel better today, but back and shoulders are still messed up
  • highly enjoyable evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • dinner with the boys and then we played pool, just the two of us
      • also had a much longer incredibly nice time alone together after
        • he tried to give me a massage, my shoulders are way too knotted
          • things progressed elsewhere – I have no complaints

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