Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-01

It’s been a rollercoaster of a week. Mostly ups come to mind, but it ended with one hell of a down.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 1/3/2019

Weigh-In at Home: 160.2lbs.


Sunday ~ December 30, 2018

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 9am – 11 hours total
woke up sort of at 6:30am, woke up sort of at 8am

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 5 pumpkin cookies
  • biscuits and gravy

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly content this morning
  • disappointed by the afternoon
  • stressed by dinner
  • fuck it mode by evening
  • regret soon after
  • 0 ability to focus on blog all day

Notes

  • filled med box
    • only one anti-anxiety pill left, saving it for Monday
  • I am deeply grateful that Tuxedo Cat’s father has been checking in with me on Facebook messenger often during this vacation
    • he has had his daughter with him more often this past week
      • we have a wood stove that I worry is bad for her lung condition
    • my ex-husband has been over at my place quite a bit until he goes back home
      • the drama with that is awkward at best for him
    • not sure why I felt the need to explain all that, but I did
    • he could have ignored me entirely during that time, but he didn’t
      • and I appreciate it greatly
  • bummed that Tuxedo Cat’s father wasn’t able to visit today very long
    • he has his daughter again tonight
    • was really looking forward to seeing him today, so I am glad that he did stop by at least
    • he did mention maybe going out tomorrow for New Year’s Eve and asked if I’d like to come along if he did, but he wouldn’t know until around 5pm tomorrow if it’s okay if I came along as his plus one (this was around 3:30pm)
      • I said I would love to go
      • I need to make arrangements now for a babysitter for Little Bear for tomorrow
      • I also need to make it very clear that my ex-husband cannot stay here all night tomorrow night
      • my anxiety worries that he won’t ask and just go without me and I’ll end up seeing photos of him having a blast that his friends will post of the party on Facebook later
        • I’m aware this is a stupid fear – why would he ask me if he didn’t want me to go with him? – but this is the kind of shit that my life has been like for a long time and I’m having a hard time letting it go
          • not everyone is a liar trying to show off how popular and more “in demand” they are over you
          • not everyone is trying to prove how much nobody likes you or doesn’t want you around
  • trying to do this exercise to find my “why” in life – hoping to improve my blog
    • first person I asked was very enlightening and empowering
    • second person was Tuxedo Cat’s father and… I don’t know what I expected but I felt like I hit a wall (this was at 10:30pm)
      • I have mixed feelings about this since this isn’t the first time I have asked him the question, “Why me?” and have been hit with this same wall
        • I honestly don’t know why I expected a different result other than this time I explained the exercise ahead of time – well, within the boundaries I’m permitted anyhow
        • doubt is kicking in hard at this point: what the fuck am I doing?
          • it’s only the second person I’ve asked – so why do I feel thrown off when I am supposed to ask up to 5?
            • there is a reason the exercise says to pick 3-5 people
          • emotion is controlled by the limbic part of the brain – where language doesn’t reside – so this isn’t exactly the easiest thing for most people to talk about
            • it’s biology, I know this – so why am I upset?
        • the conversation didn’t end well, not badly, but not well, so now my brain is convinced that he won’t want to hang out with me anywhere tomorrow night
      • to be completely fair the timing was bad, he did say he was trying to get his daughter to in to bed and stay in bed
  • unbelievable how one day without the anti-anxiety med and my brain becomes a wreck by the end of the day

Monday ~ December 31, 2018

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 2 12oz. Angry Orchard Rose
  • ? shots of random stuff (most of them were half shots, some were less than that)
  • pork chop, biscuit, mango slices, carrots

Today’s Feelings

  • Anxious @ 6am
  • Thrilled and Uplifted by 8:30am
  • Stressed by 5pm
  • Upbeat and Happy by 8pm

Notes

  • woke up feeling anxious
  • talked with Tuxedo Cat’s father this morning and he allayed my worries from last night
    • he confirmed that he wants to spend New Year’s Eve with me
      • whether it’s to party or chill, it depended on how he felt by the end of the day after he got done with all his stuff
      • I’m grateful for his patience and understanding
      • I am thrilled and uplifted
        • however… (and fuck my brain for this too) as long as I’m just a secret kept hidden away from everyone, I have nothing to celebrate
          • I wish I was someone’s pride and joy
  • hung out with my sister, Piggie, and talking with her was very helpful
    • she suggested talking to my doctor about the ketogenic diet
      • we also talked in length about other things regarding my diet and stabilizing my weight while taking Topamax
        • due to the way it can cause you to drop weight without trying and/or it can suppress your appetite
          • the appetite thing was a cyclic problem for me before I started taking Topamax, now it’s a daily issue
          • but before I started any meds, I was weight stable
      • she’s recommending Ensure Max actually to address a number of things
        • BUT she really wants me to talk to a weight management specialist first that fully understands my meds and my disorders
        • talked about why I’m craving Gatorade and Pedialyte randomly
          • it’s because of Topamax and how it dehydrates you
    • talked about Simon Sinek’s concept of “Why” in length along with relationships as a whole and what it means to be diagnosed with Schizoid PD (a diagnosis she is on board with in regards to me)
    • talked about soul tribes and how they are a reflection of who you are
    • talked about abuse recovery
      • both with Dad and my ex-husband
    • and yes, we talked about Tuxedo Cat’s father through out all of this
      • surprisingly, she had all good things to say about him this time around
      • annoying how the moment my sister mentioned his name the first time, my ex-husband started to linger nearby and pretend (poorly) like he wasn’t listening and I’m thankful she was happy to migrate upstairs
        • I’m going to assume at this point the cat’s out of the bag
  • ex-husband showed up shortly after my sister did, around 11am I believe
    • and of course, Little Bear cranked up in the nastiness not long after
      • it’s saddening to see him get like this due to the presence of one person
      • tired of watching pointless power struggles
        • and if I speak up, I’m only spoiling Little Bear when really what I see is the adult showing off that they have power over the child
          • Literally what he said to our son in making him wait to play a game for some unknown reason to me:
            “Who’s the parent? Am I the parent or are you the parent?”

            • How is this discipline is any way, shape, or form?
            • This is what bullying your own kid looks like people.
            • and I still have no idea why this is even happening
          • the other thing he said to our son:
            “If you don’t cut it out, Grandpa is going to come out here and you’ll really be in trouble.”

            • This was the point that my father did come out from his nap because not only did I hear him say it while I was upstairs, my father heard it.
            • Now my father is pissed, but not at Little Bear.
            • Little Bear did escalate, but between my father, my brother, and I things were able to settle down without a restraint
            • my father is not happy my ex-husband is trying to make him look like the bad guy while cranking up Little Bear
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came to take me to a party at a friend of his
    • my ex-husband lingered until about 6:30pm just to see who I had plans with and who I was cooking dinner for
      • Dad also gave me the “two lonely people” warning again before Tuxedo Cat’s father came over in response to Piggie’s behavior
        • not sure what the hell his problem is
        • he keeps saying he likes him and then says one of these two “buts”
          • “it’s fine just so long as it’s not just two lonely people”
            • I don’t understand this one at all
          • and the other is the not holding a steady job issue
            • this one I do understand why my dad has a problem, but what ruffles my feathers is that he’s fine with me having this issue but not fine with anyone else having it
              • why am I the exception to the rule?
              • yes, I know why: he views me as disabled
              • what grates at me is that Tuxedo Cat is diagnosed with classic Autism and it feels like my dad is trying to point the finger for that elsewhere even though it’s clear I am the carrier for those genes
          • I don’t know… there is something weird going on in my father’s head and it’s a similar pattern every time I try to move out too
            • these two things are connected in his line of thinking somehow
              • the moment either subject comes up, he starts throwing doubt and mixed messages my way
            • why does he want me to stay here so badly?
              • why is this so important to him?
              • what does he get out of it by me staying?
    • the party was great, I knew some of the people and connected well with some new people
      • right off the bat they were calling me his woman
      • his cousin apparently knew we were seeing each other since his daughter’s birthday and she knows we have a complex, on-off relationship but not for bad reasons
    • I did drink more than I should have
    • I had a really great time
    • one of them – the one who has the same first name as me – point blank asked me why I wasn’t in a behavioral therapy type field of work
      • she said I’m missing out on my calling in life
        • I don’t know, I feel like I belong here blogging
        • side note, on our way to the party Tuxedo Cat’s father did get back to me about why he’s my friend
          • the conversation helped me solidify a sense of my “Why”

Tuesday ~ January 1, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 2

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am (I think), up at 10am – 6 hours total
napped 11am-2:30pm – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds skipped
  • didn’t keep down the 600mg Ibuprofen taken at 10am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • handful of popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • mild regret about the drinking
  • content

Notes

  • due to my meds, I drank way too much even though without those meds it wouldn’t have been too much
    • woke up mildly hungover and sick
    • threw up, much to Little Bear’s concern and he fussed over me
  • Dad gave me shit about my make up being too pale last night, even though it’s same color it always has been
    • well, the eye shadow was different this time around but he was bitching about the foundation
    • he randomly tells me it makes me look like death warmed over
  • just realized that I slept through my therapy appointment, but I don’t remember getting a reminder call for it Friday so maybe it’s fine?
  • today I put words to my “Why”:
    • My why in life is to offer a safe space in the chaos around us for people to discover who they are and to just be themselves.
  • all day today a part of me wanted to change my relationship status, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Tuxedo Cat’s father about it
    • I know I only feel this way because his friends called me his woman last night and it made things feel official to me, but that doesn’t mean it is for him and I don’t want him to feel pressured
      • not even sure I should be writing this, but it is how I feel
      • but, he was very pleasant and warm with me online today so there is that

Wednesday ~ January 2, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 4:30am – 3 hours total
Little Bear didn’t fall asleep until early this morning

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • cheese and crackers
  • fried chicken, kale salad, fresh mango slices
  • watermelon Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • elated
  • devastated

Notes

  • I decided to brush up on what the Ketogenic diet is
    • because Piggie insisted that it is a high protein, moderate fat, low carb. diet and it is NOT
      • I am right: it is a high fat, moderate protein, low carb. diet
    • she also insisted I need to be on it
      • and I still I don’t want to be on it because like the Topamax, it will leech the calcium from my bones into the urine

        • I have no reason to believe that if the med causes this side effect for me that this diet, which is basically performing the same function in the body as this med, won’t also have the same side effect
          • this is why people on this med are supposed to be strongly warned against being on this diet without doctor supervision
        • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ketogenic_diet#Adverse_effects
    • once again, my education amounted to nothing in a conversation
      • I have no idea what diet she actually meant, but it wasn’t the Ketogenic diet and she isn’t the only person that tries to tell me this misinformation
        • I have no idea where it originated from, but it really bothers me
        • Tuxedo Cat’s father had no idea which diet she was talking about either, so now we’re both perplexed
  • I was really looking forward to Tuxedo Cat’s father’s visit tonight, and was happy that I’m finally reaching a point where I’m comfortable and feeling safe enough to express to someone where I’m at with my libido…
    • I really thought we were on the same page tonight based on his response before he got here, but we weren’t
      • I had even bought some new things for tonight because of the way the conversation had gone
    • we had dinner, watched Artificial Intelligence, talked awhile, he pronounced zero interest in sex, and then he went home
    • I physically feel on fire here to the point of tears and it beyond sucks
      • no, masturbating doesn’t exactly fix this – nothing does to be honest
        • not to mention it only makes me feel utterly alone and empty
        • although I will admit one of the things I bought was a new toy because let’s be real here, some relief is better than none
          • however, the problem with this is it creates a feedback loop of sorts that feeds upon itself
            • hence the emptiness and loneliness
            • it lacks the communion between souls
              • no resonance, no harmony, no flickering of auras, no transference of energy, no subspace
                • none of the things I actually need
    • to be clear, I’m not angry with him
      • other family members (namely my two oldest sons) were up pretty late washing dishes which made things awkward for what I had in mind
        • by the time they had gone to bed, he was tired and had gone home at midnight
    • what I am frustrated with is my own biology and how fucking out of synch I seem to be with the rest of the universe
      • that and I know I’m due to have my period soon which means I’ll be “untouchable” at that time
        • something I also resent because that doesn’t stop any of this either
        • why do I feel so terribly broken?

Thursday ~ January 3, 2019

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am,

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 1pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • beef post roast dinner

Today’s Feelings

  • dejected and rejected
  • relieved
  • highly pleased

Notes

  • that figures, started menses today
    • now I’m “untouchable” for awhile – fuck my life
      • I don’t remember this being a problem the last time we were together
  • I messaged Tuxedo Cat’s Father to let him know about my concern and asked him if we could talk later in person when he has time
    • he messaged back and assured me that he understood and that he’s willing to stop by as soon as he’s able
    • words cannot express the amount of gratitude that I have that he isn’t abusing me over this issue of mine
      • too many people have in the past
      • it’s still not an easy topic for me to talk about
  • got invited to go with Tuxedo Cat’s father to his cousin’s house for the evening to hang out and chill
    • watched the Titan Games with them
    • talked things over with him on the way there
      • he seemed to be pretty understanding, hopefully I was clear and direct enough about it

Friday ~ January 4, 2019

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 7am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 2 chicken burgers on a bun with lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, mayo, and mustard
    • fresh mango slices and green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • mellow
  • annoyed
  • happy

Notes

  • working on scheduling posts for the blog
  • got a call from the school: Little Bear has improved in his involvement in the classroom and in how much classwork he gets done
    • his modified school hours will continue for now since he shows signs of strain towards the end of the two hour mark
    • I am pleased and relieved to hear that he is doing better in school
  • Dad babysat my brother’s kids and let the newborn cry right up Tuxedo Cat’s father showed up for dinner THEN he took care of her
    • she was hungry and needed a change
    • seriously? why the fuck are you babysitting if you’re not going to do the work?
    • and he will yell at you for “spoiling” the baby if you pick them up to try to find out what’s wrong
  • on a happier side note, Tuxedo Cat’s father did say tonight that we are exclusively dating now
    • no, this is not a “boyfriend/girlfriend thing” but it’s also not a “friends with benefits thing” either, which alleviates a fuck ton of shit for me
      • there is a sense of security and stability in knowing this
        • I don’t know how to explain why, so I’m not going to try right now

Saturday ~ January 5, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 10:30am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 12pm
  • 1 multivitamin @ 12pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 12pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • pork roast dinner, fresh sliced mangoes, green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • productive at 4:30am
  • contemplative at noon
  • defeated at 2pm
  • hitting the fuck it point by 7pm

Notes

  • finished scheduling all of the Chaos Rally posts for January
    • this new format is far more time consuming than I had expected, but I do like the detail and the renders that results from it compared to the original format
  • started scanning my new copy of the Celtic Dragon Tarot in my PC today
    • got it all scanned, just need to isolate and align the cards now
  • Little Bear had a really bad episode today
    • included him tackling me and pounding me on the back
      • he broke his chair
      • wrecked my room
      • started to wreck his room
    • all this because I refused to cook a grilled cheese sandwich until he could show me politeness
      • we have plenty of other things to eat in the pantry and fridge
  • by the time I tried to explain my day to Tuxedo Cat’s father, I was so drained and keyed up that it didn’t take much to trigger an anxiety attack
    • it took me awhile to explain to him why I was upset
  • by the end of dinner my back had stiffened to the point it’s hard to move around
    • even muscles in my chest pull now
    • I’m beyond exhausted at this point
  • at bedtime Little Bear was nasty to everyone again, this time over snacks
    • seriously, what is with him and food?
    • it makes me think of how I was while on Abilify to be honest and it has me seriously worried
      • I was ravenous and bitchy the whole time while on it
      • could not get enough to eat no matter how much I ate
      • if this does not level out for him soon, I will demand they switch his meds
        • especially if he continues to physically attack me over this shit

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