Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-02

Been a positive week over all I think.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ January 6, 2019

Mood: 1mH ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 6am, bed at 6am, up at 10am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

  • 30min. walk around the park tonight with Tuxedo Cat’s father

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • Dad’s homemade Chinese food: egg rolls, crab ragoons, and fried rice

Today’s Feelings

  • slightly worried about Little Bear as I woke up this morning
  • mildly content
  • this evening I had some brittle affect going on
    • extremely up (energized and lively) one moment then extremely down (glum and agitated the next)
    • I marked this with a lowercase “m” because I don’t know if this is due to a mixed state episode or if this is due to emotional sensitivity caused by the hypersexuality I have going on
      • I think what’s happening is that I have physical needs that aren’t being met which is creating emotional turbulence that I’m not coping with well

Notes

  • hard to focus today
  • did manage to get several cards from the Celtic Dragon Tarot that I scanned yesterday isolated and aligned today
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • we played cards with all three boys while waiting for my parents to cook dinner
      • a game of Dos and a game of Uno
    • after dinner we went to the park, just the two of us, and walked three laps around it but the wind was cold and cut it short
      • I still found the walk invigorating
    • I’m still “untouchable” and found this highly frustrating
      • had a strong need for any kind of touching tonight but was unable to properly convey that until it was time for him to go home
        • not that it mattered, something legit important came up that required his time on the phone
    • while he did remark that he doesn’t understand my mood swings or why they happen suddenly the way they do (dude, I don’t even understand why – they just do), he did say that it’s not as bad as it was when we were younger
      • I feel like this is a measurement of the hard work I’ve put in over the years with my care plan to achieve stability and wellness
      • trust me, aggressive anger used to be my go to response for nearly everything back then
        • it was my defense mechanism for any fear, sadness, or pain I had
      • the only thing that bothered me a little is that he said he senses some bitterness in me about my past
        • at the time he had said it, I told him I was working on it
        • by the next day though, I realized this something I run into a lot and I’ve been processing this because I’m not the only to experience it
          • simply stating something happened to me results in being accused of me being bitter
          • if I’m still talking about it and it sounds like I’m hurt by it, it’s because I’m still wounded from it and me sharing it with you is me trying to heal
            • you telling me I sound bitter is a signal to me to remain silent and go somewhere else to heal
            • I understand he means well though… he does want to see me get better and be well

Being Bitter and Being Wounded is NOT the Same Thing!

having said that, it doesn’t change the fact I have work to do here


Monday ~ January 7, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6:30am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 2 bowls of homemade soup I made from the leftover beef pot roast

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • excited
  • happy

Notes

  • a bit of trouble staying focused while working on isolating and aligning more of the Celtic Dragon Tarot that I scanned into my PC today
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father tonight
    • we watched Alien Covenant
    • we started watching Designated Survivor
    • yes, sex happened and it was wonderful
  • Little Bear tried to stay up forever

Tuesday ~ January 8, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: -2 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1Ah

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6am – 4.5 hours total
napped 2:30pm-11:30pm – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 11:30pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • mini chocolate bunt cake
  • 5 dark chocolate Oreo cookies

Today’s Feelings

  • tired, but better than content

Notes

  • woke up to it snowing and found myself wishing I could just sleep in today, but nothing was canceled
    • there’s still school today and I have therapy to go to
  • went to therapy and got some grocery shopping done on the way home
    • my therapist agreed with me about my thoughts regarding bitterness and wounds
      • she did point out that I didn’t get caught up in semantics and word choice at the time of the conversation, but rather focused on the heart of the meaning behind it until the next day
        • she said it’s quiet telling of both the progress I’ve made and the dynamic between Tuxedo Cat’s father and I
      • she also reassured me that I’m not the only person dealing with hypersexuality that complains about how it triggers emptiness and loneliness
        • I then proposed that perhaps it’s because it causes us to get so caught up in the physical due to the biological drive it creates that we neglect the emotional and spiritual which creates a disconnect and we become isolated, which is why we feel empty and lonely
          • she didn’t think I was wrong
          • so I think if you are hypersexual, you need to make sure there is an emotional and spiritual connection otherwise it remains empty and meaningless
            • I’m not saying this will break the drive – especially since I’m talking about hypersexuality caused by mania
            • I’m just saying that without the emotional and spiritual connection present, I’ve noticed that the symptoms of hypersexuality are amplified
            • this means that connection needs to be fostered while hypersexuality is active – particularly during intercourse
              • you can’t use people, throw them away, and expect to feel fulfilled
              • nor can you follow this pattern of detached sexual behavior in a committed relationship and expect fulfillment either
  • went straight to bed after Tuxedo Cat’s father messaged me when I got home
  • Little Bear woke me up just before midnight
    • no one had given him his meds
  • I feel like I need to get my life in order here
  • side note observation: hoping this is a “system override” and not me crashing

Wednesday ~ January 9, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep:

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 12oz. unsweetened black iced tea
  • ham steak, mashed potato, broccoli

Today’s Feelings

  • productive
  • content

Notes

  • spent the wee hours of the morning working on isolating and aligning the remaining cards from the Celtic Dragon Tarot
  • scanned the Gilded Tarot into my PC
  • scanned the Universal Tarot into my PC
  • scanned the Mythic Dreamer Tarot into my PC
  • watched Unbreakable with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • in the process of making this happen, I discovered that he hasn’t let his family know that we are dating again
      • he’s been telling his mother only that he’s going over to hang out at “Tuxedo Cat’s place”
        • I have so many mixed feelings and thoughts about this
          • he referenced my father in his reasoning, which confirmed something I sensed the first time I met her years ago to be completely honest
            • more importantly, the unspoken that went with this aligned with everything he said
            • no, she is not as bad as my father – but there are similarities
              • he has no privacy – none
              • my dad comes at me with aggression and paranoia
                • my response is resistance and push back
                  • typically in the form of the passive aggressive bullshit I learned from Mom
                  • it’s more direct and tends to have explosive moments
              • she comes with what he calls “unreasonable worry”
                • his response is avoidance
                  • there’s a lot of hedging and beating around the bush
                  • I noticed super late tonight after he went home that his mother was reacting to a bunch of New Year’s Eve photos that was posted on Facebook awhile back
                    • this album had photos of me in it since I was at the party too
                    • she’s scoping out the waters
                      • him and I have been seeing each other since June and like I told him, he can’t possibly assume that his mother doesn’t already know by now
                      • she knows, but she wants to know who I’ve become and how serious we are
                        • this is the same vein of thought as my dad recently friending him on Facebook as well
                          • it’s the equivalent of people watching out of your window or front porch back in the day

Thursday ~ January 10, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 9am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 4 slices of pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly stressed
  • happy and content

Notes

  • got annual paperwork done for DHHS
  • discussed the pros and cons of getting a Hulu account with Tuxedo Cat’s father today
    • got a Hulu account in my name
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • he bought a new soap with me in mind: a mint blend
      • unbelievably amazing on him and I could not get enough of it
        • funny how a scent can be so uplifting and comforting
        • it didn’t smell like peppermint or spearmint, so I’m guessing they used wintergreen because it wasn’t the lead note of the blend and I’m not sure I would have noticed it if he hadn’t said anything
          • what I’m trying to say here is he didn’t walk in smelling like a mint candy: this was a green blend with a hints of mint
      • it also blows my mind how much he pays attention to things I’ve said
        • I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about how my sense of smell is more sensitive during hypersexuality
          • so yeah, people’s soap is a big deal for me and if you wear cologne or perfume on top of that it smells like you’re swimming in it
        • I’ve mentioned mint being my preferred go-to aromatherapy scents and herbal remedies
          • I find it both stimulating and soothing
    • watched Season 5 Episode 1 of Gotham on Hulu
    • watched Split from Redbox

Friday ~ January 11, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6am – 4.5 hours total
napped 12pm-4pm – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 11pm (almost forgot)

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 1 slice leftover pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • worked on isolating more of the Gilded Tarot cards I scanned into my PC
    • not making a lot of progress – having a hard time focusing today
  • couple of days I ago I bought another e-cigarette and I’ve been using it exclusively BUT I’m seriously having a hard time fully adjusting to it
    • honestly, why can’t they make one that tastes like an old fashioned cigarette?!
      • I am 100% serious here
      • why the fuck do I want to be breathing watered down Chai vapors??!
        • the flavor is so faint to me it’s almost pointless to have them
        • I will be trying the mint one next, but I’m expecting to be equally disappointed
        • not to mention the Chai cartridge doesn’t seem to last anywhere near as long as the one that came with the e-cigarette to start with
          • really not happy with that since that one lasted 2 days and the Chai one I opened this morning
  • It’s “Princess Weekend” as I like to think of it where Tuxedo Cat’s father has his daughter for the weekend
    • we have a wood stove for heat and she has lung problems
      • I worry it will put her into the hospital, otherwise I’d invite them both over for dinner and what not
    • since it means we won’t see him until Sunday I should make a point to do something either just the boys and I, or focus on something just for me if the boys aren’t keen on doing anything
      • and there’s no reason why I can’t keep calling it Princess Weekend
        • I mean, it is about doing stuff that makes me happy – right?
          • either with my sons or solo, makes no never mind
          • whatever makes my soul sing and shine
  • not really liking the way WordPress has been updating lately
    • don’t like the color changes at all
    • no longer loads up in Windows Edge for me
    • been using FireFox since November I think
  • ended up wasting the night on Minecraft solo – not sure why

Saturday ~ January 12, 2019

Mood: 1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 9:30am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 2 bowls of S’mores cereal for lunch (with Little Bear who finally decided he liked it)
  • 1 slice leftover pizza
  • small handful Twizzlers
  • small handful dark chocolate Oreos

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • seriously need to get everyone’s sleep back on track
  • back on focus with isolating tarot cards that I’ve scanned into my PC
    • almost finished with the Gilded Tarot

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