Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-03

Been a rather stressful and anxious week this week. Here’s hoping that things will get better soon.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ January 13, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6:30am – 4.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time: 30min. walk with Tuxedo Cat’s father

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 1:30pm*
  • 1 multivitamin @ 1:30pm*
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 20oz. bottle of Pepsi
  • 1 slice leftover pizza
  • homemade lasagna

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed
  • crushed

Notes

  • spent all morning trying to get my meds refilled when they should have come in earlier this Tuesday
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • internally collapsed in trying to express what it was I needed tonight
      • three things struck me hard in what he said to me tonight
        • I sound like I’m lecturing
          • it’s the way I come across sometimes
            • I swear I’m not trying to be like that
        • I can be hard to please
          • I’m either high maintenance or I seriously fail at communication
        • it wouldn’t bother him if didn’t give as much as I do
          • this made me feel like what I offer to the relationship has little value, if at all, to him
    • all I needed tonight was to emotionally connect with him and for some reason I didn’t feel like that happened and things broke down when he asked me why I felt that way
      • I think it’s because in large part I was afraid to tell him I always do what he wants to do
        • I’m afraid to tell him that it seriously hurts my heart he leaves shortly after we have sex
          • it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of emotional investment
          • and no, all the stuff leading up to sex in my experience is just primer to get that sex if there is no emotion bonding involved
      • then when I asked for something that I wanted to do tonight I sensed that he’s not really into it and that he’s just doing because he felt obligated
        • when he asked for details on this, I used the massages as examples and this is when he said I can be hard to please
        • he then went on to say I shouldn’t be giving just for the sake of receiving in return – which I don’t – but people do tend to treat others the way they want to be treated
          • this is when I said I didn’t think he would be happy if I suddenly stopped giving as much as I do and he told me it wouldn’t bother him at all
            • he made it sound like I don’t really do anything for him at all
              • maybe what I do really isn’t important or special
              • maybe what I have to offer is of no value to him
              • maybe I am just stuck in a “tit for tat”
              • maybe I need to stop expressing what I feel to him
              • maybe I’m broken and unfit for relationships
  • I’m a complete wreck today
    • talking with my friend on Facebook late into the night has helped put things into perspective and alleviate a great deal of my anxieties
      • encouraged me not to jump ship on Tuxedo Cat’s father
      • reminded me to have patience with myself
      • insisted that my expectations and needs are valid
      • reminded me to practice my communication skills
      • something I discovered during this conversation is that right now my ultimate need is to be nurtured
        • as my friend so wonderfully put it, “Who heals the White Mage?”
          • in the world of gaming this question is easily answered, but in real life when you play the role of dedicated healer the question tends to get overlooked
            • yes, self care is important but I believe you end up falling into the trap of the “Wounded Healer” archetype
              • this is where you are able to heal others, but unable to heal yourself at all
                • to use gaming as an example to explain why this happens:
                  • in FFXI is common for there to be 1 dedicated main healer for a party of 18 players
                    • this person is 100% responsible for keeping the entire party alive
                    • for every cure spell cast, “hate” is generated which eventually will draw the attention of the target onto the healer
                    • once the target is on the healer and inflicting damage, the healer no longer has the magic points to heal themselves and nor do they have the defense to sustain the damage their taking
                    • a back-up healer is required to keep this healer alive long enough for the main tank regain control of the target
          • so what my friend is suggesting with his question is that I don’t have this system in place in the real world as the dedicated healer when I desperately need it
            • in other words, I need a solid social support network that includes the roles of a “main tank” and a “back-up healer”
              • metaphorically speaking of course

Monday ~ January 14, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 6:30am, up at 9am – 2.5 hour total
sleep was unintended
bed at 12:30pm, up at 5:30pm – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee
  • 2 chicken burgers on white buns with onion and tomato with mayo and mustard

Today’s Feelings

  • drained and lost

Notes

  • had to drive Little Bear to school today since I slept through his ride
  • I need to reconnect with my self – I’m feeling totally lost right now
    • I feel unfocused, unmotivated, exhausted, completely unappreciated, fucking aimless, wasting my time, directionless, burnt right the fuck out beyond my limits
      • I don’t even fucking know what I’m doing right now
      • like I look in the mirror and have no idea who is looking back at me
      • honestly, at this point, I think I’m crashing as of yesterday morning
  • spoke with Tuxedo Cat’s father on Facebook today
    • he asked if I would like him to come with my to my therapy appointment
      • this surprised me, not sure why he wants to go but I said yes
      • decided to touch base with him about last night since he asked to go
        • he clarified what he meant about me doing stuff for him
          • he does care and appreciate it, but he doesn’t want me to feel obligated or to overextend myself
        • we also talk about the logically driven vs. emotionally driven brain
          • because he didn’t understand why I come across as offended by strange things when once I think about it, I’m not offended by it but I still stand by the logic I’ve arrived at
            • like he didn’t understand why I said that the more you insist you’re being honest the more you appear less honest
              • incidentally, it’s an actual fact backed up by psychology that this insistence means you’re not being honest but want the listener to believe that you are and it’s not something I’ve made up
              • the only reason I do believe him is what it is he’s insisting upon every time this has come up, which I won’t get into here for various reasons
                • I’m not going to help liars become better liars here and for those wanting to learn how to sniff them out better, the knowledge and information is out there so do your homework
                  • seriously
                • plus his body language aligns with his words, which if he was lying it wouldn’t
                  • this is unique to each person, there are some general cues but those can be faked, so get to know the individual
                  • it’s because of this alignment when he speaks that I trust him
                  • congruence is everything here

Tuesday ~ January 15, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time: 30min walk with Tuxedo Cat’s father

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 chicken sub on white
  • spaghetti with tomato sauce with green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • calm and content
  • happy
  • mildly stressed

Notes

  • spent the day with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • he went to my therapy session today and he did participate in the discussion a little bit
      • we talked about emotional flashbacks and triggers along with ways I can cope
        • I’m thankful my therapist made a point to let him know he isn’t at fault, nor is he responsible for managing any of this
          • she also made it clear to both of us that it is going to take time for me to overcome this
            • we’re talking long term, as in a year or more
        • the biggest trigger right now for me being the fear of abandonment
          • something that never existed prior to my marriage
            • which he confirmed during the session
        • talked about exposure therapy and it’s potential benefits
      • we also talked about the stuff I’ve been learning about how healthy relationships work
        • the need for vulnerability and being authentic
          • if you are unable to open up and be your real self with others, then others will not do the same for you
        • the need to connect with one’s own emotions and being comfortable with them
          • if you can’t do this with yourself, then you can’t do this with others
        • I’ve come to the realization that the two points above is how emotional bonding between people occurs
          • this is why I’ve bonded with my sons, but not other people
            • it’s easy for me to do this when I’m with my sons
            • Tuxedo Cat’s father is the only other person that I can think of that I can do both of these with and even then, I find it challenging at times
        • request vs. demand
          • a request allows for a yes/no answer along with negotiation
        • definition of neediness
          • neediness is waiting to request for a need to be met until it hits a crisis point – which means it can no longer be a request
        • the need for functional communication skills
  • I haven’t seen him so relaxed in such a long time when he went home this afternoon – it really made me happy to see him that way
    • I hope to see him that way more often
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came back this evening to hang out
    • had dinner and then he took me to the park for an evening walk
    • his car broke down on the way back home, prematurely ending the evening
      • he did make sure that I got a ride home from his father so I wasn’t left sitting in the cold while he waited for a tow truck
      • and of course, this spiked his stress right through the roof
      • I offered to let him borrow my car so he could work at his gig tomorrow

Wednesday ~ January 16, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -2 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1h

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
napped 4:30pm-? honestly don’t know, whenever it was Tuxedo Cat’s father called

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 1pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • a handful of Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • woke up this morning to find a message on Facebook from Tuxedo Cat’s father to find that his parents had tore into him completely last night
    • turns out that my own father has a better understanding of what he’s trying to do with these side hustles and gigs right now than they do
    • my dad also has a full understanding that people our age supporting kids are challenged with the living cost the way it is
      • he knows it’s not like it was when we were little
        • hell, he harped on my baby brother on how to get out from under the rut until him and his wife were able to buy their house
          • he also had them live with him until they did
      • which suddenly sheds a different light as to why he insists on me staying here living with them
        • he not only sees this but he also sees the additional challenges I’m dealing with on my own as a single special parent of three special needs children
          • maybe him pushing for me to get disability has more to do with all of this than anything else
  • realized this morning I fucked up and forgot that Little Bear has OT this afternoon
    • hopefully this doesn’t screw up Tuxedo Cat’s father’s needs for a car too badly
    • I will need my car back at 1pm to get my son to his appointment at 2pm
      • unless I can drop him off at gig and pick up him after the appointment
      • the appointment wouldn’t be longer than an hour, meaning I would be back by 4pm at the latest
      • got there to find his father’s car was out of the shop in time for him to borrow it for the day, but he’ll need a ride from me tomorrow
        • I did at least get a chance to catch up with his parents
          • made a point to bring up my dad’s opinion on what Tuxedo Cat’s father is doing in terms of starting his own business as a personal trainer and physical therapist
            • did see a light bulb go off in his mother’s face at least
  • he called me later tonight and sounded very stressed still
    • I truly wish there was some way I could make things easier for him right now
      • I mean, more than just help out with transportation
  • somehow listening to him and all that he has going on right now really makes me want to make what I’m trying to do work more than ever
    • I know part of it is because my dad supports what he’s doing, but doesn’t seem to have much faith in me
      • and then to hear his mother say, “Well, it’s different for boys than girls,” after I mentioned wishing that my dad had the same belief in me
        • it shouldn’t be different between genders
        • and with my father, I know it’s not a gender issue because he supports what Piggie and Stinky do with their side online stuff
        • for whatever reason with my father, it’s different for me
  • my parents today again harped on me about eating too much processed food despite the fact that I cook my own food at home?
    • mostly raw fruits and vegetables
    • quite a bit of it from scratch
    • not sure where this is coming from
      • since when is pot roast and spaghetti with green salad processed foods?

Thursday ~ January 17, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • large green salad
  • fried chicken, potato puffs, carrots
  • movie theater popcorn and a large Dr. Pepper

Today’s Feelings

  • mild brain fog first thing this morning
  • shifted to pleasant and ready to be productive after first cup of coffee
  • energetic and happy

Notes

  • so grateful that Tuxedo Cat’s father makes a point to reach out and touch base with me more often than not now
    • even called rather than texted last night, was nice to hear his voice
    • not sure why this matters so much to me, but it does
      • maybe because he isn’t doing it to control my whereabouts or activity
  • all out of tobacco as of late last night – I’m officially switched completely over to the e-cigarette now
    • I hope I can adapt well to it
    • at least Tuxedo Cat’s father doesn’t share any delusions about it being healthier than regular smoking like so many other people do
      • it just seems to cause less harm second hand, far as we know for now, which is fine and I can get on board with that
        • but don’t tell me it’s better/safer/healthier for me when I’m still sucking chemical shit into my lungs
          • it’s just different chemical shit now
        • all I know is it doesn’t trigger his asthma and that’s all I care about
          • I think this is a fair compromise without forcing me to sit out in nasty ass weather
  • ended up playing taxi for my sister-in-law
    • she got into a fight with her father
    • what is with everyone’s parents lately not letting their adult children be actual adults??!
  • went to the movie theater with Tuxedo Cat’s father to watch Glass tonight
    • was a very good movie – thought provoking and surprising

Friday ~ January 18, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
napped 11:30am-3pm – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • dark chocolate Oreos
  • handful of Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • bummed

Notes

  • was hoping to spend a quiet, relaxing evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father tonight but looks like tonight is “man cave night”
    • I understand his need to chill, but it’s hard not to feel rejected when last night he was bugging me about how he couldn’t wait to watch the newest Gotham episode with me and now he doesn’t want to do that
      • and I told him I really needed to cuddle today
        • his response was, “I know, next time I’m over some cuddle time?”
          • whenever that will be
      • what is with him insisting on bringing the umbrella after the rainstorm?
        • and I feel obligated to suck it up and keep my mouth shut because otherwise if I don’t I’m being either needy or demanding
        • part of me wonders if it’s because it means that I would have to pick him up tonight and he doesn’t want his parents to openly know we are dating yet
          • I know I’m still some kind of secret in his life
            • you be married to someone for 8 years that kept that hidden from people and see how well this secret business sits with you
              • Am I wanted?
              • Am I desired?
              • Am I chosen?
              • Am I loved?
              • Do I even mean something?
                • one question, all worded differently, all the same thing
                • this is the one question that has haunted me my entire life
                  • just once I would like someone to pick me with certainty without having one foot out the door or without needing me for something
  • took a nap and then buried myself in the projects that have been screaming at me to get done
    • don’t know what else to do, fuck it
    • “chill” isn’t exactly in my DNA to be honest
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father and I chatted on Facebook messenger about the misaligned needs tonight
    • it started out a bit rough – we both felt we were being blamed or guilt tripped
      • we worked through that
      • I did express my anxieties around the “late umbrella” issue
        • there is a fear that when the late umbrella arrives, it’s no longer needed so…
          • a pattern of this will develop so my needs won’t need to be addressed at all
            • this is something my childhood has taught me to be true
          • anger arises because it’s no longer needed
            • if this happens too often, they stop bothering to bring the umbrella at all
    • why does the “late umbrella” even matter at all?
      • this part I didn’t even get into with him – this is just for me
      • I have Bipolar which means my needs shift with my moods
        • needing to cuddle today does NOT mean I will need to cuddle or will even be able to tolerate it tomorrow
      • the pain of rejection is the same as physical pain
        • having your needs rejected in the moment is hard to take when this has been chronic throughout your life
          • to be clear here: this is not his responsibility to deal with; this is my shit to manage
            • I’m not looking for an emotional babysitter
            • it just means it has a way of haunting me and reinforcing the idea that I need too much and shouldn’t be asking for anything in the first place
              • if it happens too often with a person, I won’t be able to trust them enough to open up and ask anymore
                • how do I overcome this?
    • we also got into the question of feeling wanted/chosen
      • yes it’s something he has been plagued with in the past, but not now
      • and he assured me that he does want me
      • this is where he thought I was upset with him
    • we apologized to each other for being difficult at times
      • he also praised me for the effort I’ve been putting in on my health and stability
        • he compared me to some others he knows, but I’m not entirely sure he understands how much works goes into it
          • it’s equal to his physical fitness efforts actually
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father finally got back a response from TCK Publishing about his book
    • they rejected it, but they didn’t keep their promise about giving detailed feedback about the manuscript
      • he’s upset about that because it was the feedback he wanted
      • he’s sent me a copy of the book for a critique from me
        • I’m hoping I can do it justice

Saturday ~ January 19, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • 1 leftover piece of pizza
  • mac & cheese, ham steak, salad, fresh mangos
    • (I also served pineapples, strawberries, cherry tomatoes, and cantaloupe)

Today’s Feelings

  • productive
  • content

Notes

  • finished converting the Universal Tarot Deck to digital
  • finished scheduling the Daily Draw posts for next week
  • began editing the 3D deck asset – just some minor tweaks
    • at the moment it doesn’t save poses for this asset in MMM for some reason
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father said he’s told his parents about us
    • yes, this alleviates a great deal of anxiety for me
  • he also said he doesn’t expect to be coming over tomorrow due to the snow storm that’s supposed to be coming in late tonight, early tomorrow morning
    • the snow wasn’t too bad by the time he went home a little after 1am
  • we watched newest episode of Gotham together
    • also watched first two episodes of the second season of Punisher also
  • I know this might sound strange, but even though my sex drive is lower I still wanted to feel that physical connection with him

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