Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-04

Busy week, ended on a high note for me.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ January 20, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: I know I dozed off with Tuxedo Cat’s father last night before he left, but I don’t know when exactly or for how long – I’m a terrible hostess
bed at 8am, up 1:30am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 2 glasses of milk (1%)
  • leftover ham w/ mac & cheese

Today’s Feelings

  • productive most of the day
  • rejected and agitated by the end of the day

Notes

  • set up med boxes for myself and Little Bear this morning
  • yesterday before dinner, we went to the store and I asked for the mint vape cartridge pack and it wasn’t until this morning when my old was empty that I had realized that the cashier gave me the menthol one
    • which I have never liked with tobacco
    • and incidentally tastes like NOTHING as a vape
  • started tracking time spent working on blog related stuff on my Google calendar yesterday – maybe this will help me feel less like a waste of time?
    • I may need to change the way I do chores on my calendar as well
      • right now they are scheduled as a means to get me to do them but it’s just creating stress and guilt because I’m not always able to get shit done due to the way things overlap
      • I may switch them over to tasks and then schedule them into the calendar when I actually do them to get a better idea of what my day truly looks like right now
  • started converting my copy of the Mystic Dreamer Tarot deck – the last deck remaining in my personal library to convert to digital
  • been snowing all day
  • tonight is the Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse
    • too bad it’s too cloudy to see where we live
    • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RzNWf_p620
    • not that it matters, I didn’t have anyone to watch it with me anyway
      • Tuxedo Cat’s father is watching the Chiefs vs. Patriots game tonight to see who goes to the Super Bowl
        • Scholar Owl and I brought up the eclipse awhile back, but he quickly brought up the game so I didn’t make plans
          • not that it matters, the weather here fucked that up anyhow
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father and I had an argument late this evening
    • you would think that after all these years I would be done with taking people at their word and sitting at standby waiting for them to get back to me
      • it appears this was caused by a miscommunication and misunderstanding then everything escalated from there
      • however, in the long run I really should know better than this by now
        • I shouldn’t be allowing anyone to tie up my time like this
          • I have value – my time has value
          • especially when he’s not able say that he loves me
        • yes, he apologized for his end of it but it doesn’t change the responsibility I hold on my end
      • I can’t help but feel that I discovered something a few things about myself in the process of all this
        • namely in the way of hard boundaries and a possible deal breaker
          • I need time to sort this out for myself

Monday ~ January 21, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6:30pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • large coffee from gas station
  • 2 chicken burgers on white buns with onions and tomatoes

Today’s Feelings

  • crestfallen
  • apprehensive
  • comforted and content

Notes

  • my med clinic appointment
    • had to drive on crappy ass roads to get there
    • pharmacy hadn’t received my digital med order by the time I drove the hour long trip to get there
      • so 3 hours after my appointment, I still don’t have my anti-anxiety meds
  • it occurred to me while driving today that part of my problem last night is that my brain fell into the trap of the “hurt and rescue mode script” and at no point in that argument was I ever rescued
    • because clearly, he isn’t following this behavioral script
    • even now I’m fighting against the urge to beg for his time and attention
      • rescue isn’t coming and nor should it
      • seriously, this is an incredibly difficult and challenging urge to deal with
      • my brain is telling me that we’re completely done despite the fact he sent me a text via messenger wishing me a good morning and hoping I have a great day while I was out to my appointment
        • there is absolutely no logic to this anxiety I feel right now
  • I’m tired of being a wreck all the time
  • updated the calendar to remove the chores that aren’t currently fixed into the routine and placed them into the tasks list
    • my schedule looks less cluttered now
    • once a pattern emerges for one of these chores, I’ll put it back into the calendar as a fixed part of the routine
  • my meds were finally ready for pick up at 3:30pm
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over tonight
    • ate a late dinner and watched episodes of Punisher with me
  • seriously wouldn’t think 10mg of any med would make much of a difference, but it does for me and this is something I am deeply grateful for
    • by 12:30am I feel honestly ready for bed in a relaxed way

Tuesday ~ January 22, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6am – 5.5 hours total
napped 2:30-7pm – 4.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 left over chicken burgers on white buns with onion and tomatoes (lunch)
  • 2 left over chicken burgers on white buns with onion and tomatoes (dinner)

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Little Bear’s med clinic appointment and then my therapy appointment right after
  • Mom sounded very interested in being my workout partner
    • what’s interesting about this is my doctor actually recommended that I partnered up with her since the pain from neuropathy and the joint pain caused by Topamax are similar and since arthritis comes from her side of the family, the recommended exercise (low impact weight bearing) benefits us both – plus she thought it would be a good bonding experience for us
      • I suspect she also thought it would be an added boost to our mental health doing it together rather than alone
      • come to find out, she already own resistance bands
  • completed the conversion of the swords suit in the Mystic Dreamer Tarot deck to digital

Wednesday ~ January 23, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 5am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 5:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 4:45pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • ? brownie bites
  • beef pot roast
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content and productive
  • annoyed with the ex
  • chill for the remainder of the day

Notes

  • finished converting the Mystic Dreamer Tarot deck to digital
  • okay… so here’s the thing, ex-husband has been lurking about specifically on Tuxedo Cat’s father’s Facebook wall for awhile now – since before Christmas actually
    • this really became a thing after Christmas vacation
    • he’s not interacting publicly with ANY of our other mutual friends’ walls since Little Bear went in-patient
      • ONLY with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • now up to this point, Tuxedo Cat’s father has been brushing me off as it being no big deal
      • if anything he’s been hard core advocating that I block him
      • I only unfriended him because my therapist agreed that it was a good idea and to my benefit
    • and this morning, he interacted with a post that I had tagged Tuxedo Cat’s father on
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over after dinner to watch more Punisher with me on Netflix
    • we talked about what my ex-husband has been doing on Facebook
      • he asked me if I wanted him to unfriend my ex-husband
        • this feels like a slippery slope
          • I don’t like feeling I’m controlling his social circle and I told him that I am going to tell him the same thing I told him back when my ex friended him while I was still married:
            • it’s up to him, but my ex is doing it to get to me
            • however, the unnerving and uncomfortable thing is that Tuxedo Cat’s father then made a case as to why he should keep him on his friend list
              • he asked the question of what if my ex escalates further and causes more trouble for someone else to get to me
                • only people left are my parents and siblings and a small handful of old gaming friends I haven’t spoken to in awhile
                  • he should know by now messing with my immediate family is a mistake
                    • he tries this every Xmas and every Xmas this blows up in his face

Thursday ~ January 24, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 7am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 1pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 5pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 5pm

Meals

  • ? cup of coffee
  • large Pepsi
  • green salad, 2 slices of Pizza Hut Pizza (ham and black olive)

Today’s Feelings

  • ultra productive and excited

Notes

  • he removed him from his friends list
    • I hope this doesn’t trigger escalation
    • but seriously, my ex has been creepy as fuck
  • started using LastFM again
    • forgot I had the account actually
      • it doesn’t seem to have an auto sharing chart feature anymore, but it does allow you to post onto Facebook and Twitter from it
  • scheduled Daily Draw posts for Week 5
  • changed all the thumbnails for the Emotional Tarot series posts
  • scheduled Weekly Assessments for Week 6 to Week 44
  • bought the pre-order for Resident Evil 2 Remake!!
    • will be available at midnight Jan. 25th!
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father hung out with us for dinner and for the RE2 Remake late night marathon
    • we watched more Punisher while we waited
    • he lasted only until 1am though

Friday ~ January 25, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, 8am – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 3am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 5pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • 2 leftover slices of pizza (late night)
  • 2 leftover slices of pizza (late lunch)
  • leftover roast beef

Today’s Feelings

  • more than content

Notes

  • even on “Assisted” (RE2 Remake’s version of easy) the game is fairly challenging for someone like me who sucks at shooting games
    • the puzzles have been changed from the original, but are pretty straight forward as far as I’m concerned
    • I have noticed though that Claire’s B game is much harder in this version than I remember it being in the original, but there must have been a reason I preferred playing her first
  • hung out with my baby bro and watched him play RE2 Remake
    • Little Bear was terrible grumpy late this evening to the point him and my dad got into it, and Little Bear cried himself to sleep shortly after

Saturday ~ January 26, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 5:30am – ? total hours
last I checked the time, it was 12:30am

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • inserted new vape cartridge @ 4:30pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • cheese and crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly stressed over Little Bear’s nonsense
  • otherwise content

Notes

  • played RE2 Remake all day
  • Little Bear got irritable towards the end of the day again – this time before dark
    • I’m going to assume it’s due to the late nights with me and this game
  • finished scheduling this year’s mood tracker templates

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.