Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-06

Been a rollercoaster week ending with boys and I sick.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ February 03, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 10am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 3pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 3pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cup of coffee
  • leftover ham for breakfast
  • 2 pkgs. of instant oatmeal with buttered oat bread toast for dinner
    • because the boys wanted eggs

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • agitated

Notes

  • Super Bowl tonight, so I’ll be spending the evening alone
    • I often wonder how I ended up left out of the whole sports thing
      • seriously though I should see it as an opportunity to get my own shit done rather than seeing it as being left out
  • ex-husband hasn’t paid his child support that was due on the first
    • yes, I expected this given all that has happened
      • he’s escalated and I’m debating whether I should contact him or just report it to his commanding officer in writing as per regulation
        • if I report it, how long do I wait so it doesn’t look like I’m just being petty? because I’m not interested in playing his games here
          • I do know if he goes long enough without paying (3 months to be exact) I can then have the state collect it directly
          • because he is enlisted active duty, I wasn’t permitted to have the state collect it from him right off the bat
          • I would have preferred the state collect it because I knew this is what he would do
            • this is the third time now since the divorce that he’s done this and each time it was to get my attention
            • if I wasn’t hurting for money, I would let this shit slide long enough for the government to nail his ass
              • I probably ought to bite the bullet, pinch the fuck out of my pennies, and let him hang himself on this
      • ultimately decided to send him an email reminding him the conditions of the court order, stating that payment hasn’t been received, and a correction is required as soon as possible otherwise a formal written complaint will be sent
        • tried to keep it as professional as possible
        • our son is more important that any bullshit games
        • this seriously needs to stop
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father stopped by later than planned before the game so he visited with our son, but not me – didn’t get to talk together has intended or hoped
    • I was bummed out but I’m pretty sure the anxiety I feel largely stems from the bullshit my ex-husband has just pulled rather than things not going as expected

Monday ~ February 04, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 11am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • chicken burgers

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • crestfallen

Notes

  • child support was paid as of this morning, but no there was reply to my email
  • scheduled Chaos Pen Challenge posts
    • completed posts #44-46
  • went to Tuxedo Cat’s make-up game with Tuxedo Cat’s father and the boys
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • once again I said the words and once again, he apologized for not being able to say them back
      • it’s in moments like these that makes me wonder what the hell I’m doing
        • am I just setting myself for a repeat of what I just went through with my ex?
          • just sitting around, waiting to be loved?
          • what the fuck’s wrong with me?
      • he spent the night and I feel like I ruined an otherwise perfectly pleasant evening just by saying how I feel
        • again, is this how I want to be spending my life?
        • I need to feel free to express how I feel
        • I need to feel loved and cherished

Tuesday ~ February 05, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 6am – honestly didn’t really sleep
napped 1pm-3pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • inserted regular vape cartridge @ 12pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • inserted regular vape cartridge @ 6pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 1 large coffee from gas station
  • 1 leftover chicken patty – by itself, cold, and plain

Today’s Feelings

  • disheartened
  • surprised

Notes

  • therapy appointment today
    • after waiting for an hour my appointment was cancelled due to an emergency with another patient
      • seriously SUCKED because I really felt the need to get my head straight
        • yes, I understand emergencies happen and that’s life
        • I just resent the attitude of “well, you come here every week anyhow so we’ll see you next week”
          • the stability I possess is because I come in every week
            • this isn’t some frivolous luxury I treat myself to like it’s some fucking spa, it’s a necessity I drive an hour one way through annoying traffic to just to get to and SOMETIMES I’d rather not go
              • today was a rare day I wanted to ask for direct advice
  • spoke with Tuxedo Cat’s father when I got home about all this – on Facebook
    • he told me that we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend now
      • this took me by complete surprise
        • of course though, he wants to tell certain people in person before making any changes to Facebook
          • not surprised by this – and a little disappointed
            • I feel like I’m not really able to celebrate anything
              • everyone I know offline already assumes we are serious – and has done so for quite some time
                • this includes family I haven’t seen in ages
                  • my dad loves to talk
    • we also celebrated the fact he discovered that the problem with his car is easily fixable!
      • he just needs to get the parts from a junk yard, which won’t be until Monday he said
  • not sure why the vape cartridges are lasting as long as they were in the beginning when I first started to use them, really starting to suck – esp. since they cost me more than what it costs me to roll my own cigarettes
    • this is really bugging the shit out of me
  • also not sure why I remained in a blue funk the entire day
    • nothing felt right today
      • even the boys seemed to be in a bad mood
      • probably a good thing Tuxedo Cat’s father didn’t come over to visit tonight
        • I most likely would have been terrible company even though I really could use a hug right now
      • wasn’t able to focus on much – managed to get half a post done

Wednesday ~ February 06, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: -1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted regular vape cartridge @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • inserted regular vape cartridge @ 12:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • meatloaf, hash browns, salad

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated
  • disappointed
  • insecure

Notes

  • scheduled Chaos Pen Challenge posts
    • completed posts #47-52
  • Little Bear was uncooperative most of the day today
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father promised me that we could do whatever I wanted to do this evening after Tuxedo Cat’s basketball game
    • I told him what I had in mind the night before when he promised this: sex
      • when he said today he wouldn’t be able to spend the night because he has a busy day driving tomorrow, I knew at this point it was pretty much out the window despite him insisting otherwise at the game
      • he got sucked into a movie my dad was watching after dinner
        • Django – which I’ve seen before and liked but I wasn’t really keen on watching again
      • and yeah… sure enough, by the time the movie was over he was too tired to be really into it
        • so I felt guilty for even pressing the issue
        • I’m starting to feel unattractive and undesirable here
          • it’s hard not to feel insecure in this regard when someone stops putting the moves on you for any reason
        • it’s nice to hear that I have an ultra relaxing effect on him though
          • it’s also pleasing to know I don’t fuck up his day
      • bonus sweetness though: before he left, he woke me up to say good bye and tucked me in with my Herbert (it’s the 17″ Lou Rankin frog – a lil’ bit chubbier than a Build-A-Bear doll)
        • yes, it’s awesome he remembers the importance of this guy and without making fun of me for it
        • I didn’t even realize that I had fallen asleep on him so I think it’s safe to assume he has a relaxing effect on me too
  • as for the boyfriend/girlfriend announcement thing…
    • turns out, he’s more afraid of his ex than I am of mine
      • it doesn’t sit well with me, even though I understand
      • for the record, he didn’t want my ex to know we were seeing each other either but my sister threw that out of the window
        • I need to amend my opinion of him being avoidant to being very much non-confrontational whenever possible
          • they’re not the same thing at all
          • honestly don’t know why he would want to be with someone from my family when every one of us are very direct and fully capable of being high conflict individuals
            • hell, in my younger days I was an outright rage machine
  • bought him a Valentine’s Day present earlier today, but due to the way the boys were behaving I wasn’t able to pick out a card
    • fairly certain he will like the gift, it’s the card I’m worried about
    • he said the other night he had already gotten mine after I told him I didn’t know what I wanted and that he hoped I will like it
      • honestly? the fact that he put thought and effort into it thrills me to pieces, it’s knowing that I resorted to asking him what he wanted and going with just a wish list from him has me feeling lazy as hell

Thursday ~ February 07, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 6am – ? hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted regular vape cartridge @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • inserted regular vape cartridge @ 6:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover chicken patty – plain again

Today’s Feelings

  • pensive

Notes

  • trying to focus on the blog today
    • scheduling posts for the Chaos Rally series
      • took all day to write up and schedule #6
  • I think my brain is trying to slide into depression
    • worst timing ever, but I think I understand why
      • V-Day is next week and this is the first time in years that I’ve been in a relationship with someone other than my ex so I think my brain is taking in all of the usual environmental cues as “something bad is on the way
        • because, if I was still married to my ex something bad would be on the way at this time
          • it wouldn’t be just a day of disappointment, it would be a day involving some kind of serious “hurt and rescue” cycle
        • it’s going to take me some time to get comfortable with the new life I have now where I don’t need to prove my worthiness for anything
          • you either value me or you don’t
          • you either want to be with me or you don’t
          • I’m done chasing carrots that don’t exist, reaching for an ever rising bar, jumping through endless hoops, and waiting for a cake that is a lie
            • I’ve done it my entire life, never gotten anything for it, and I’m tired – just so very tired
    • remembering to take my meds on time every day would seriously help I think
    • I don’t like to blame it all on my disorders, but I do think they might be contributing to my current state of mind is all
  • started coughing up thick, green phlegm tonight – a sign of infection
    • I’m beginning to have increased doubts about this vaping thing
    • I’ve heard about increased risk for pneumonia with vaping before
    • the last time I had a serious problem with a chest cold that I can remember was back when I was pregnant with Tuxedo Cat
      • had bronchitis that I couldn’t shake and the doctor said it was close to full blown pneumonia (not sure how that happens)
  • Tuxedo Cat has a cough too and Little Bear is just getting over one
    • pretty sure my brother brought it over a week ago

Friday ~ February 08, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 2 tsp. Tussin @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 9pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10pm

Meals

  • ? cups coffee
  • green apple Gatorade (surprisingly good actually)
  • ? cranberry juice
  • leftover meatloaf
  • foot long roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

  • restless and unfocused

Notes

  • my chest hurts this morning and I’m coughing up more unpleasant phlegm
    • coughs are weak and painful most of the time right now,
      • I want an expectorant right now, not a suppressant
        • I need to get the phlegm out in order to get better sooner
          • that’s what coughing does
  • if it weren’t for the fact that two of my sons also have a cough, I would be tempted to think my body was trying to clear out “smoker’s garbage” right now
    • doesn’t help that my brother and his wife keep bringing their sick kids over
  • so maybe not it’s not me sliding into depression, maybe I’m just sick and that is what’s pulling me down?
  • enjoyed Tuxedo Cat’s basketball game with Scholar Owl, Tuxedo Cat’s father and Tuxedo Cat’s father’s daughter
    • Little Bear asked to stay home with my dad because he thinks the games are boring
  • my brother’s kids now have a GI bug and sure enough they are spending the weekend over here
    • so tired of this

Saturday ~ February 09, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 5am, up at 9am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10am
  • inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10pm
  • inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 10:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • ? cranberry juice
  • leftover meatloaf

Today’s Feelings

  • calm, but icky

Notes

  • I should be working on my blog, but I spent all night last night playing RE2 with my baby brother and now I just want to play it some more this morning
    • I know, terrible and totally unproductive of me

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