Been a rollercoaster week ending with boys and I sick.

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Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1

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Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

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Sunday ~ February 03, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 10am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• inserted mint vape cartridge @ 3pm
• 600mg Ibuprofen @ 3pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• 2 cup of coffee
• leftover ham for breakfast
• 2 pkgs. of instant oatmeal with buttered oat bread toast for dinner
  • because the boys wanted eggs

Today’s Feelings

• content
• agitated

Notes

• Super Bowl tonight, so I’ll be spending the evening alone
  • I often wonder how I ended up left out of the whole sports thing
    • seriously though I should see it as an opportunity to get my own shit done rather than seeing it as being left out
• ex-husband hasn’t paid his child support that was due on the first
  • yes, I expected this given all that has happened
    • he’s escalated and I’m debating whether I should contact him or just report it to his commanding officer in writing as per regulation
      • if I report it, how long do I wait so it doesn’t look like I’m just being petty? because I’m not interested in playing his games here
        • I do know if he goes long enough without paying (3 months to be exact) I can then have the state collect it directly
        • because he is enlisted active duty, I wasn’t permitted to have the state collect it from him right off the bat
        • I would have preferred the state collect it because I knew this is what he would do
          • this is the third time now since the divorce that he’s done this and each time it was to get my attention
          • if I wasn’t hurting for money, I would let this shit slide long enough for the government to nail his ass
            • I probably ought to bite the bullet, pinch the fuck out of my pennies, and let him hang himself on this
    • ultimately decided to send him an email reminding him the conditions of the court order, stating that payment hasn’t been received, and a correction is required as soon as possible otherwise a formal written complaint will be sent
      • tried to keep it as professional as possible
      • our son is more important that any bullshit games
      • this seriously needs to stop
• Tuxedo Cat’s father stopped by later than planned before the game so he visited with our son, but not me – didn’t get to talk together has intended or hoped
  • I was bummed out but I’m pretty sure the anxiety I feel largely stems from the bullshit my ex-husband has just pulled rather than things not going as expected

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Monday ~ February 04, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm, up at 6am – 9 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• inserted mint vape cartridge @ 6am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• inserted mint vape cartridge @ 11am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• ? cups of coffee
• chicken burgers

Today’s Feelings

• content
• crestfallen

Notes

• child support was paid as of this morning, but no there was reply to my email
• scheduled Chaos Pen Challenge posts
  • completed posts #44-46
• went to Tuxedo Cat’s make-up game with Tuxedo Cat’s father and the boys
• spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father
  • once again I said the words and once again, he apologized for not being able to say them back
    • it’s in moments like these that makes me wonder what the hell I’m doing
      • am I just setting myself for a repeat of what I just went through with my ex?
        • just sitting around, waiting to be loved?
        • what the fuck’s wrong with me?
    • he spent the night and I feel like I ruined an otherwise perfectly pleasant evening just by saying how I feel
      • again, is this how I want to be spending my life?
      • I need to feel free to express how I feel
      • I need to feel loved and cherished

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Tuesday ~ February 05, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 6am – honestly didn’t really sleep
napped 1pm-3pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• inserted mint vape cartridge @ 6am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• inserted regular vape cartridge @ 12pm
• 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
• inserted regular vape cartridge @ 6pm

Meals

• 2 cups of coffee
• 1 large coffee from gas station
• 1 leftover chicken patty – by itself, cold, and plain

Today’s Feelings

• disheartened
• surprised

Notes

• therapy appointment today
  • after waiting for an hour my appointment was cancelled due to an emergency with another patient
    • seriously SUCKED because I really felt the need to get my head straight
      • yes, I understand emergencies happen and that’s life
      • I just resent the attitude of “well, you come here every week anyhow so we’ll see you next week”
        • the stability I possess is because I come in every week
          • this isn’t some frivolous luxury I treat myself to like it’s some fucking spa, it’s a necessity I drive an hour one way through annoying traffic to just to get to and SOMETIMES I’d rather not go
            • today was a rare day I wanted to ask for direct advice
• spoke with Tuxedo Cat’s father when I got home about all this – on Facebook
  • he told me that we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend now
    • this took me by complete surprise
      • of course though, he wants to tell certain people in person before making any changes to Facebook
        • not surprised by this – and a little disappointed
          • I feel like I’m not really able to celebrate anything
            • everyone I know offline already assumes we are serious – and has done so for quite some time
              • this includes family I haven’t seen in ages
                • my dad loves to talk
  • we also celebrated the fact he discovered that the problem with his car is easily fixable!
    • he just needs to get the parts from a junk yard, which won’t be until Monday he said
• not sure why the vape cartridges are lasting as long as they were in the beginning when I first started to use them, really starting to suck – esp. since they cost me more than what it costs me to roll my own cigarettes
  • this is really bugging the shit out of me
• also not sure why I remained in a blue funk the entire day
  • nothing felt right today
    • even the boys seemed to be in a bad mood
    • probably a good thing Tuxedo Cat’s father didn’t come over to visit tonight
      • I most likely would have been terrible company even though I really could use a hug right now
    • wasn’t able to focus on much – managed to get half a post done

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Wednesday ~ February 06, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: -1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• inserted regular vape cartridge @ 6am
• 75mg Topamax @ 9am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
• 1 multivitamin @ 9am
• inserted regular vape cartridge @ 12:30pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• ? cups of coffee
• meatloaf, hash browns, salad

Today’s Feelings

• agitated
• disappointed
• insecure

Notes

• scheduled Chaos Pen Challenge posts
  • completed posts #47-52
• Little Bear was uncooperative most of the day today
• Tuxedo Cat’s father promised me that we could do whatever I wanted to do this evening after Tuxedo Cat’s basketball game
  • I told him what I had in mind the night before when he promised this: sex
    • when he said today he wouldn’t be able to spend the night because he has a busy day driving tomorrow, I knew at this point it was pretty much out the window despite him insisting otherwise at the game
    • he got sucked into a movie my dad was watching after dinner
      • Django – which I’ve seen before and liked but I wasn’t really keen on watching again
    • and yeah… sure enough, by the time the movie was over he was too tired to be really into it
      • so I felt guilty for even pressing the issue
      • I’m starting to feel unattractive and undesirable here
        • it’s hard not to feel insecure in this regard when someone stops putting the moves on you for any reason
      • it’s nice to hear that I have an ultra relaxing effect on him though
        • it’s also pleasing to know I don’t fuck up his day
    • bonus sweetness though: before he left, he woke me up to say good bye and tucked me in with my Herbert (it’s the 17″ Lou Rankin frog – a lil’ bit chubbier than a Build-A-Bear doll)
      • yes, it’s awesome he remembers the importance of this guy and without making fun of me for it
      • I didn’t even realize that I had fallen asleep on him so I think it’s safe to assume he has a relaxing effect on me too
• as for the boyfriend/girlfriend announcement thing…
  • turns out, he’s more afraid of his ex than I am of mine
    • it doesn’t sit well with me, even though I understand
    • for the record, he didn’t want my ex to know we were seeing each other either but my sister threw that out of the window
      • I need to amend my opinion of him being avoidant to being very much non-confrontational whenever possible
        • they’re not the same thing at all
        • honestly don’t know why he would want to be with someone from my family when every one of us are very direct and fully capable of being high conflict individuals
          • hell, in my younger days I was an outright rage machine
• bought him a Valentine’s Day present earlier today, but due to the way the boys were behaving I wasn’t able to pick out a card
  • fairly certain he will like the gift, it’s the card I’m worried about
  • he said the other night he had already gotten mine after I told him I didn’t know what I wanted and that he hoped I will like it
    • honestly? the fact that he put thought and effort into it thrills me to pieces, it’s knowing that I resorted to asking him what he wanted and going with just a wish list from him has me feeling lazy as hell

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Thursday ~ February 07, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 6am – ? hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• inserted regular vape cartridge @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• inserted regular vape cartridge @ 6:30pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee
• leftover chicken patty – plain again

Today’s Feelings

• pensive

Notes

• trying to focus on the blog today
  • scheduling posts for the Chaos Rally series
    • took all day to write up and schedule #6
• I think my brain is trying to slide into depression
  • worst timing ever, but I think I understand why
    • V-Day is next week and this is the first time in years that I’ve been in a relationship with someone other than my ex so I think my brain is taking in all of the usual environmental cues as “something bad is on the way”
      • because, if I was still married to my ex something bad would be on the way at this time
        • it wouldn’t be just a day of disappointment, it would be a day involving some kind of serious “hurt and rescue” cycle
      • it’s going to take me some time to get comfortable with the new life I have now where I don’t need to prove my worthiness for anything
        • you either value me or you don’t
        • you either want to be with me or you don’t
        • I’m done chasing carrots that don’t exist, reaching for an ever rising bar, jumping through endless hoops, and waiting for a cake that is a lie
          • I’ve done it my entire life, never gotten anything for it, and I’m tired – just so very tired
  • remembering to take my meds on time every day would seriously help I think
  • I don’t like to blame it all on my disorders, but I do think they might be contributing to my current state of mind is all
• started coughing up thick, green phlegm tonight – a sign of infection
  • I’m beginning to have increased doubts about this vaping thing
  • I’ve heard about increased risk for pneumonia with vaping before
  • the last time I had a serious problem with a chest cold that I can remember was back when I was pregnant with Tuxedo Cat
    • had bronchitis that I couldn’t shake and the doctor said it was close to full blown pneumonia (not sure how that happens)
• Tuxedo Cat has a cough too and Little Bear is just getting over one
  • pretty sure my brother brought it over a week ago

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Friday ~ February 08, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 2 tsp. Tussin @ 6am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10:30am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
• inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 9pm
• 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10pm

Meals

• ? cups coffee
• green apple Gatorade (surprisingly good actually)
• ? cranberry juice
• leftover meatloaf
• foot long roast beef sub

Today’s Feelings

• restless and unfocused

Notes

• my chest hurts this morning and I’m coughing up more unpleasant phlegm
  • coughs are weak and painful most of the time right now,
    • I want an expectorant right now, not a suppressant
      • I need to get the phlegm out in order to get better sooner
        • that’s what coughing does
• if it weren’t for the fact that two of my sons also have a cough, I would be tempted to think my body was trying to clear out “smoker’s garbage” right now
  • doesn’t help that my brother and his wife keep bringing their sick kids over
• so maybe not it’s not me sliding into depression, maybe I’m just sick and that is what’s pulling me down?
• enjoyed Tuxedo Cat’s basketball game with Scholar Owl, Tuxedo Cat’s father and Tuxedo Cat’s father’s daughter
  • Little Bear asked to stay home with my dad because he thinks the games are boring
• my brother’s kids now have a GI bug and sure enough they are spending the weekend over here
  • so tired of this

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Saturday ~ February 09, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 5am, up at 9am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 10am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
• 1 multivitamin @ 10am
• 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10am
• inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 10am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
• 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 10pm
• inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 10:30pm

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee
• ? cranberry juice
• leftover meatloaf

Today’s Feelings

• calm, but icky

Notes

• I should be working on my blog, but I spent all night last night playing RE2 with my baby brother and now I just want to play it some more this morning
  • I know, terrible and totally unproductive of me

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