Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-07

It’s been a long week of just being sick for everyone here. The highlight of this week though? Watching Battle Angel Alita in the movie theater opening night! I highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it yet.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ February 10, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7am
  • inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 11am
  • inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 5:30pm
  • 600mg ibuprofen @ 5:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • leftover meatloaf, mac & cheese, and salad

Today’s Feelings

  • slightly worn out and stressed
  • much calmer by evening

Notes

  • still sick with a chest cold
  • worked on blog from 6:30am to 3:30pm
    • finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for Week 7
    • scheduled Chaos Rally #7
    • scheduled Daily Draw posts for Week 8
    • started working on scheduling Chaos Rally #8
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father

Monday ~ February 11, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 7am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 9am
  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 8pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 8pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 cups raspberry ginger ale
  • carrot cake flavored Oreos
  • tacos

Today’s Feelings

  • somewhat frustrated most of the day
  • slightly upbeat by the end of the day

Notes

  • spent most of the day with Little Bear playing Left 4 Dead 2
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over for the evening and spent the night
    • he was later than he promised he would be
    • also tired of sex being promised but it either not happening or him not really being into it
      • honestly, him not being into it is worse
        • makes me feel like I’m an obligation rather than someone he desires
          • actually, it’s worse than that: it makes me feel predatory
      • I’m starting to wonder why I bother trying
      • this has been on the decline ever since he called it off between us
      • he keeps saying it has nothing to do with me, but it sure does feel like it is
    • also played Left 4 Dead 2 with Little Bear
    • but we had a late night conversation about how burnt out he’s been since Little Bear went to in-patient and all I could think of was the phrase “soul tired” in this context
      • again that whole thing on how energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transferred, so if you overextend yourself it has to come from somewhere
      • also shed some light on why he called it off back then but never left
        • he said he didn’t want to but felt like that was what he had to do
          • my brain wants to label it a hurt and rescue event now
          • I did make it clear that I can’t keep going through shit like that
      • but my complaint and concern is that I spoil him rotten, and he knows it, and I’m not getting the same level of investment back in return
        • I’m beginning to hear the repeated promise of “It will get better.”
          • how much of this is my paranoia versus my intuition flagging this given the fact not too long ago this promise once served as a life line for me in a different relationship?
          • am I being taken advantage of or is this really just a phase?

Tuesday ~ February 12, 2019

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
napped 3:30pm to 7pm – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7am
  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7pm
  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 9pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover tacos

Today’s Feelings

  • dejected and concerned

Notes

  • I told him this morning that I’m still concerned about everything we talked about last week, his rain checks are piling up, and I’m struggling to be at peace with it
    • his body language said he wasn’t really present and listening to what I’m saying even though he said he understood
      • he gave me that promise again of “things will get better”, adding that this is just a funk of his right now and tried to change the subject – to his teeth of all things
        • so no, not really listening and I feel like I’m being bread crumbed here and I don’t know how to address this without just bailing
          • and honestly, that’s frustrating because that’s the advice every relationship coach out there gives: just bail if you’re not married to them
            • okay, so we’re not going to put effort into anything?
          • at least I have therapy today and hopefully I actually see her
            • I don’t know what to do or how to get to a peaceful place with all of this
              • I don’t like feeling I’m being taken advantage of or being kept a secret
              • I want to receive the same level of investment I’m giving
                • any time I ask for this I get the response that I’m pressuring him – why?
                  • how do I respond to this without being an utter bitch?
  • 10 to 15 inches of snow predicted tonight and tomorrow
    • great, I’m tired of winter
    • we seriously have no sign of spring here
  • therapy went well
    • great deal of focus on my boundaries
      • I’m a caregiver by nature and since giving is in my nature I need to make sure it doesn’t reach a point of obligation, which in turn generates resentment
        • give only when it feels good and brings me joy
        • when it doesn’t this is when I need to say that I don’t have the resources available
          • this is why it doesn’t feel good actually: energy and matter can’t be created or destroyed, only transferred or transformed
            • so if you don’t have an abundance of something, it has to be pulled from somewhere
              • a price has to be paid
              • this is why when you overextend yourself, you feel like you are bleeding out
            • you can’t give what you don’t have
              • and I need to embrace this
                • not just with others, but myself too
    • we discussed the difference between a hurt-rescue event versus an instant regret event as well
      • can I take a moment to express gratitude that I have a therapist familiar with trauma, abuse, and PTSD?
      • she doesn’t judge me for questioning myself or the world around me
      • she also praises me for the progress I’ve been making
        • she thinks it’s great that I give myself homework and study topics between sessions and practice stuff that we discuss
          • I told her I’ve made more progress with her than I have in all my therapy and I think it’s because she gives me permission to explore (and I’ve been in therapy since 2004)
            • like, I remember how she commented once that I have an unusually strong emotional bond with my children and my immediate response was, “Why then do I have problems bonding with other people?”
              • she didn’t have an answer for me, so I started researching by learning from relationship coaches
                • eventually I learned it’s because I am willing to be completely vulnerable and authentic with my children and I’m able to create a safe space for them to do the same with me 24/7 but I’m not able to do that with everyone else, only certain people and only in certain ways
                  • I am learning to do this with Tuxedo Cat’s father and I admit this is frightening at times
    • we also discussed his exhaustion and my frustration with it
      • once he talked about it and described it as being across the board in his life, I’m not feeling resentful
      • I’m still concerned but I’m also aware that this is something I can’t make better for him
      • she agreed with me that if this is something that is truly across the board, then my assessment of it being low-grade depression, or soul-tired, is accurate and serious self-care is needed
        • I cannot do this for him, as much as I would like to
        • sometimes I think this is where having a care team and care plan in place has its advantages
          • you have something ahead of time for when you go down so you aren’t left wondering what to do when it happens
          • right now I don’t know what he needs or what works for him and based on the way he talks, he doesn’t either
            • this has me worried because it means that it could potentially last longer, or worsen, when it doesn’t need to
              • and yeah, I’m totally aware that this is the mother hen in me talking here
                • doesn’t matter who you are, if you are in my life and this is happening, this is where my mind tends to go now because I’ve seen too much of this
        • I know what I would do, and I had a feeling what my therapist would recommend, but we both acknowledged how men are resistant to mental health care even though he admits he has anxiety
          • honestly? I think therapy is the best treatment for that in the long run
            • CBT or CPT in particular
              • CBT = cognitive behavioral therapy
              • CPT = cognitive processing therapy
            • which you choose depends on the type of anxiety disorder you have, but both work on how you approach the world around you with your thoughts
          • yes, I take a med for my anxiety but it’s also to keep other symptoms – like psychosis – in check
            • seriously, DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU
        • I think the most frustrating part about all of this is, despite having been in this position so many times myself I don’t know what to do for him
          • just because something works for me, doesn’t mean it will feel supportive or helpful for him
          • I don’t know what he needs me to do right now and it’s leaving me feeling helpless and useless
    • she didn’t have an opinion or advice for the Facebook status thing other than that was his can of worms to deal with
      • I have my own ex to contend with, whom I had no intentions to informing of having a new flame but got informed anyhow thanks to a family member
        • and yes, he did escalate because of this news – so yes, I do understand Tuxedo Cat’s father’s concerns and fears
        • and yes, if I had a cell phone active on a regular basis that my ex had access to, he would be contacting me as often as possible
          • this is why she strongly advised me to only give him my landline in the first place
      • I guess with this one, I just need to let him own his shit and sit with my feelings while it plays out
        • the problem I have is how long is too long to wait?
          • that she didn’t have an answer for and it left me unsettled
            • I honestly don’t know if there is a right answer for something like that other than what you’re willing to tolerate
  • went to Tuxedo Cat’s basketball game right after therapy
    • Tuxedo Cat’s father was there as well
    • he asked about my therapy and was receptive to most of what I had to say
      • only squirmed about the Facebook status part
        • so this increased my feelings of him wanting to put it off telling his daughter’s mother about us indefinitely rather than taking care of it right away
          • we live in a small town area and if he is right that we have mutual friends with her, then it means he’s running out of time before she finds out through some other means
            • if her finding out some way other than directly through him in person really is going to cause a problem, then yes, I feel stressed about it
        • so this didn’t get talked about much because he was quick to move the conversation along and I felt I shouldn’t press the issue
          • but I don’t like feeling I’m being dismissed with my concerns

Wednesday ~ February 13, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4:30am, up at 7:30am – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7:30am
  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 3:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7pm
  • inserted mint vape cartridge @ 10pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • leftover tacos

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • snow day for school
  • Little Bear has come down with the stomach flu so we had to cancel OT today
  • spent the entire evening playing RE2 Remake with Tuxedo Cat’s father

Thursday ~ February 14, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0.5 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 7am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7:30am
  • applied 7mg nicotine patch @ 12pm
  • applied second 7mg nicotine patch @ 3:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 leftover taco
  • popcorn, Dum-Dums, and Altoids while playing RE2 Remake
  • popcorn and soda

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly restless

Notes

  • kept Little Bear and Tuxedo Cat home sick today
    • Tuxedo Cat asked me this morning with a pleading look in his eyes if there was a delay or cancellation so I asked him if he wanted to stay home sick today
      • I reminded him it meant that he would be missing the basketball game today and after some thought, he said he would stay home because he had a bad cough
        • he even took some cough medicine for me without any fuss before going back to bed, so I know he feels like crud
    • Little Bear is trying to fight through it and do his thing like he always does
      • a part of me wants to say he’s got the Mama Bear thing down like a pro
    • Scholar Owl is homeschooled, but he’s taking a cue from the other two and taking things easy today
      • he doesn’t look too hot either, but he’s been on top of it the moment he started coughing when I did and been taking meds right from the beginning for it
      • I told him if you’re aggressive with it from the get go it clears up faster
        • out of all of us, he seems to be faring the best
  • sat down this morning to actually type up a budget for my fixed income to get a solid idea of where my money is going right now
    • the vape cartridges alone cost me $360 per month total compared to rolling my own cigarettes for a cost of $40 per month
      • this is fucking insane
        • I need a different solution
      • after doing the math, I decided to give the patch a try – again
        • not long after applying the patch, the cravings hit
          • this isn’t new, I’ve experienced this before with the gum too
            • do I need a stronger patch?
              • Dad said if I need to, I can try doubling up with these rather than buying the 21mg ones
                • the problem is it means doubling the price
        • so the patches would cost me about $60 per month to use
          • I can live with this cost if I can make them work for me
  • almost 5pm and the cravings are mildly maddening
    • not exactly sure what it is I’m craving either because I felt relatively okay until I put the patch on, once it had been on for about 15mins. I’ve been finding myself constantly reaching for my cigarette or vape
    • I though that applying a second patch would ease this weird feeling I’m getting mostly in my mouth and throat, but it’s not
      • the ultra strong mints did seem to help a lot but after the third one, my stomach felt squirrely
        • pure peppermint extract is known to do this and extra strength Altoids are not something to binge on an empty stomach if you aren’t used to them
  • went to the movie theater to see Battle Angel Alita on opening night with Tuxedo Cat’s father- finally!
    • fucking AWESOME MOVIE
    • I think it totally does the anime and manga justice
      • to fair, I have only read one volume of the manga, so I still do not know the whole story but this movie gave me more of Alita’s background
      • now I need a second movie conclude the story
  • on the way home, I said fuck it to the patches and bought two packs of the cartridges because seriously, these patches are torture
  • the sex was wonderful and he loved the lace I bought
    • yes, I am expressing my gratitude here that everything went well
    • but, also I didn’t miss him pointedly ask why I had to have the alarms on for the morning
      • these alarms help me wake up and getting up at the same time every morning is what keeps me stable
      • but yeah, I instinctively wanted to accommodate him because the body language was asking me to shut them off and he was talking about how the boys were too sick for school anyway

Friday ~ February 15, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: fucked if I know, I slept in until Dad woke me up at 9am hollering from downstairs about a phone call being for me that he didn’t even answer
and this is why we don’t accommodate other people’s requests regarding your alarms – I honestly don’t remember what I did with them

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted vape cartridge @ 1am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 9am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 12pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 8pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • popcorn
  • pork chops, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, cranberry sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • mildly stressed thanks to a migraine that wants to happen full blown

Notes

  • yes, popcorn has become the go to snack because my dad buys it in 50 pound bags and it’s healthier than chips depending on how you pop it and what you put on it
  • fought off a migraine all day
    • I don’t know if it’s because I used the patches yesterday or if it’s because my sleep got messed up and thus the timing of my meds as well
  • Capcom launched new stuff for RE2 Remake today
    • all enjoyable stuff: costumes and the Ghost Survivors

Saturday ~ February 16, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 11am – 11 hours total
I don’t remember even hearing my alarms, but again, this is why we don’t mess with my sleep schedule or my alarms – I hope I can get myself back on track ASAP

  • over sleeping can actually make you feel more tired than you did before you went to sleep and the reason for this is largely due to the way your metabolism works, which never shuts off and is keyed to your circadian rhythm
    • because I am a natural night owl, I’m what many will call an “afternoon dyer” so me sleeping in to the afternoon will cause me to wake up tired
      • this about the time of day where I’m fighting off the urge for a nap
      • as long as I have children in public school I will be struggling against my natural rhythm

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • inserted vape cartridge @ 11am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 11am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 11am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 11am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 12:30pm
  • inserted vape cartridge @ 7:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • lazy
  • got more motivated after chatting with Tuxedo Cat’s father and finishing Emotional Nine of Wands post

Notes

  • made myself sit down to work on the blog today
    • Finished Drafting and Scheduled Chaos Rally #8
    • Scheduled Exploring Emotions with Nine of Wands
      • listening to the song list I have for this card did wonders for my motivation!
      • also got some ideas for my mood trackers in the near future
        • thinking about integrating some things here on my blog more
    • Scheduled Exploring Emotions with Ten of Wands
    • Scheduled Exploring Emotions with Page of Wands
    • Scheduled Exploring Emotions with Knight of Wands
    • Scheduled Exploring Emotions with Queen of Wands
  • got to chat quite a bit with Tuxedo Cat’s father on Facebook today
    • seems I’m not the only one feeling unmotivated
    • it did cheer me up to touch base with him though
  • yes, I’m aware taking my evening meds when I did is likely to fuck things up but I need to keep myself on some kind of schedule
  • I also find it interesting that the first day off the patch I barely had any craving for the vape but today, the second day, I had an increased need for it
    • why is this?
    • AND why is it while on the patch, I had a constant craving for a smoke/vape despite having a constant, steady stream of nicotine going into my system?
    • seriously, how does this work?
    • not even joking, while I was in the hospital for my c-sections I wasn’t allowed to touch any nicotine and had next to zero cravings so long as no one said anything to me about it
      • no patch, no gum – nothing
      • all four/five days I was mostly fine
      • moment you put me on the patch or gum I become some kind of weird, bitchy monster – I don’t get it
      • and don’t even get me started about Chantix
        • not only was I worse mood wise on that, apparently I was sleep walking and talking also
          • based on the way Scholar Owl reacted, I had become too much like my father
            • no thanks, I’m done trying that shit
    • oh wow, I finally figured out my problem while looking for a tobacco flavored vape (and cheaper): https://youtu.be/uqSz2ClKXMU
      • because I tend to smoke medium style cigarettes, it looks like I need something with a 11mg nicotine ratio – which doesn’t exist in the patches
        • this is why I’m bitchy when using them
          • I’m either too high or too low
      • however, the Veppo vape brand offers a cigarette sized pen with refillable cartridges and they sell tobacco flavored liquid in bottles that you can order in bulk with discounts
        • they even have a liquid that tastes similar to my favorite brand of tobacco
        • you can choose your nicotine strength – which is nice
          • especially if you’re trying to quit smoking by the way
        • orders over $99 get free shipping
        • I might go this route because I don’t miss the mess of rolling my own cigarettes to be honest
        • they also have a vaporizer adapter that goes with their pens
        • this is completely unsponsored, just linking to them for those interested:
        • I’m bookmarking this site for now since it will cost me well over $100 to get started the way I would like to switch over to this product and I don’t feel like I can afford it this time
          • I really would like to since I think buying the liquid in bulk would be so much cheaper in the long run

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