Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-08

Finally got over the chest cold only to pick up the stomach flu at the end of this week. I feel like death warmed over.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 2/22/2019 (23 days)

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally: have faith in yourself to overcome what’s draining you through persistence and to discover that you do in fact have abundance and companionship in life.


Sunday ~ February 17, 2019

Daily Draw: Six of Swords

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am (I think?), up at 5am – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 1200mg Mucinex tablet @ 7am
  • 600mg ibuprofen @ 5pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6:30pm
  • inserted menthol vape cartridge @ 9:30pm
  • 600mg ibuprofen @ 10pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • mac & cheese, hot dogs, canned pineapple

Today’s Feelings

  • stressed and agitated
  • calm and restored

Notes

  • it’s three days after V-day and my Facebook wall is still being flooded with people declaring their undying love and devotion to their significant others – male and female alike
    • I have yet to be on Facebook where I’ve been allowed to do this for someone or have had someone do this for me
      • yes, I’m feeling left out and rubbed a bit raw at this point in my life
  • so I ended up seriously praying about it – for real
    • asked God that if I’m wasting my time with Tuxedo Cat’s father, then I need a clear, direct sign that I can understand because I need someone that loves me
      • I’m tired of trying to prove myself worthy of love
    • and if I’m not wasting my time, then I need a clear, direct sign that I can understand what I need to be doing because again, I’m tired of playing games and bleeding out
    • got next to no sleep and I can’t even remember what I dreamed
    • around 10am I talked with Tuxedo Cat’s father on Facebook about the status change thing
      • yeah, he hasn’t bothered to talk to his daughter’s mother about us yet and of course I stressed blew over it
        • I still suspect he has no plans to ever tell her
      • when he asked me why it was such a big deal, I word vomited about the whole V-day declaration wall spamming thing and how much it sucked that I can’t be a normal person with normal people feelings and celebrate normal shit like normal people
        • how much it fucking hurts to feel like a secret and to be hidden
        • so he claims he thought of that and should have told me to change it in time for V-day and was all like, “fine, change it and I’ll just deal with the fall out”
          • and when I said no, making me change it now doesn’t fix it he said it was up to me
          • like it’s all on me now and whatever happens will be my fucking fault
          • so I’ve changed nothing for the moment
            • at this point, I feel like he should be the one to change the status and take ownership for whatever fallout that may or may not occur rather than lay it all on me
              • seriously though, she is friended with people who are friended with my mother… who also has a big mouth… how does she not already know?
          • at the moment, I don’t feel any closer to an answer than I did when I prayed
            • I guess it boils down to how he treats me when he gets here and how he responds to my lingering concerns
              • he assured me I’m not responsible for anything that someone else chooses to do
              • Facebook status changed
  • passed out on him when we sat down to watch The Revenant
    • I feel bad about that

Monday ~ February 18, 2019

Daily Draw: Aeracura

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 11am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • morning meds missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover mashed potatoes and stuffing

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • public school vacation this week
  • it occurred to me today that the answer to my prayer is that I need to be focused on me and what I’m doing or not doing
    • this way I’m never wasting my time
    • the relationship will take care of itself
    • healthy, strong boundaries will reveal the truth
  • ended up spending the entire day playing RE2 Remake while pondering this
  • had to confront my ex-husband about late child support (AGAIN) when he called to speak to the boys
    • once again, he blamed it on a bank error

Tuesday ~ February 19, 2019

Daily Draw: Knight of Wands

Mood: -1.5 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 10am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 11:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 11:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 11:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • leftover tacos

Today’s Feelings

  • slightly agitated
  • crestfallen

Notes

  • slept in long enough that I missed my therapy appointment
    • seriously need to get my sleep back on schedule
  • set up med box
  • went to pick up refill on my Propranolol only to find out that I can’t because MaineCare now requires that scripts be written out for 90 day supplies, so now I’m waiting for the hospital to write out a new script on my med
  • cleaned our upstairs space via my “Clutter Patrol”
    • it’s not much or anything fancy, but for some reason the boys will actually comply with it so there’s that
  • visited Tuxedo Cat’s father’s cousin with him
    • watched them work out and then chatted for awhile
  • then spent time with Little Bear on some video games after dinner
    • he complained that he was feeling lonely and that no one spent time with him
      • Dad and I concluded he must be a bit jealous
      • Tuxedo Cat’s father was cool with us playing Dead Rising with him
  • unfortunately I took a nosedive mood wise after all that
    • not exactly sure what triggered it
    • he was too tired for sex again, but that shouldn’t have caused the outpouring of emotion that came out of me
      • if it was then it was over reactionary and dramatic
        • I mean, we talked about major key painful things in my life since before just Tuxedo Cat was born
          • mostly focused on regrets or how I felt about particular events
            • mainly how I don’t feel worth a shit
              • not back then at all
              • now I struggle to hold on to that sense of worth
            • so while I know he is blaming himself, I’m really thinking this isn’t about anything he did or didn’t do
              • I think I’ve been bobbing in and out of light depression the past week or so and this was one of those flare ups
              • or this was PTSD related
                • the conversation did start with me opening up about my fears regarding the relationship

Wednesday ~ February 20, 2019

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 6am – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • spaghetti with meat sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • empty and resentful
  • slightly uplifted, but tired
  • content

Notes

  • I woke up with the feeling this morning that I had busy dreams, but I don’t remember anything
  • I don’t know what I’m doing anymore – I think this is a strong indicator of my mood
    • I don’t know what’s draining me
      • my sleep has been messed up
      • I’ve been overextending my generosity
      • my finances are completely fucked
      • my physical wellness has tanked
      • my mental wellness is tanking
      • and I don’t feel like anyone gives a fuck
        • only whether or not my output continues
        • no return investment
        • no appreciation
    • okay well, I do know what’s draining me
      • it’s a lack of strong boundaries
        • I’m losing my sense of self
        • my resources are bleeding out
      • I need to tighten my ship
        • if people don’t like it, they can kindly fuck off
        • I’m tired of feeling like shit
        • I’m tired of apologizing for the treatment I’m receiving
        • I’m tired of feeling like I can’t express my emotions without creating a problem or crisis
  • chatted with Tuxedo Cat’s father on messenger this morning and shared with him about how I’m feeling and the mood state I’m in
    • he assured me that I’m not constantly creating pressure with my feelings or needs – the pressure he’s felt has only been a few times
      • so does this mean it’s been my fault that he has felt pressure?
    • he also assured me that I am always free to express whatever emotions I have and that they aren’t creating a crisis for him
      • okay, so where has the pressure come from then?
        • maybe we have a different definition of pressure here?!
          • me: pressure = crisis/problem I don’t want to fucking deal with
          • him: pressure = ???
  • child support for Scholar Owl came in today, so that alleviates some of the financial stress I feel right now
    • hopefully with the new budget tracker I’ve created I won’t be putting myself into this mess again anytime soon
  • went to a vape shop after Little Bear’s OT appointment and for $75 got myself a start up kit with a nice tobacco flavored liquid and a mint flavored liquid
    • I really like both flavors
    • the lady there was really nice and helpful to me
    • I can now say goodbye to the disposables
  • watched One Punch Man with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • his tooth has abscessed again, but he was kind enough to cuddle with me

Thursday ~ February 21, 2019

Daily Draw: Three of Pentacles

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 12pm – 9.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 12:30pm
  • 1 multivitamin @ 12:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • MSG free chicken ramen with peanut butter sandwich

Today’s Feelings

  • subdued

Notes

  • Facebook sucks sometimes, an article popped up in my feed which dropped me down a rabbit hole leading me to this article:
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father called, the car he is borrowing broke down and he will need help this coming Monday with juggling rides as he gets things fixed and wanted to know if I was available and willing to help out with that
    • I am and I certainly don’t mind since I know this is a huge stress point for him
    • we also talked about the above article and attachment styles
      • he doesn’t think I’m a terrible or clingy person
      • when I went over the 3 points in the article with him, I realized it’s #3 I need to work on more
        • those of you stopping by in my mood trackers for the first time:
          • why does this matter?
            • I have PTSD so my self-worth is a trigger based struggle
            • I have Bipolar so my self-worth also takes a nose dive during depression
              • which means it takes a double hit if there’s a trigger during depression
                • I need better coping skills and work on self-love more
            • I have Bipolar so hypersexuality kicks in during mania
              • at baseline my libido is naturally high, but during this time it becomes an obsession
              • there’s no cure for this other than to keep mania under control
              • solid boundaries and advanced planning is a must
              • this is where the ugliest of my behavior can appear
                • it makes me feel predatory and entitled
                  • this brings guilt, shame, and fear
                    • it didn’t before the PTSD
            • I have Schizoid PD so boundaries are a serious issue
              • I’m practicing mindfulness on this daily in all areas of my life – it’s exhausting
            • I have GAD and I shouldn’t have to say I worry about everything, but I do
  • wasted the day playing RE2 Remake

Friday ~ February 22, 2019

Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 7am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • filled the well of one of my vape sticks @ 8am
    • accidentally mixed the flavors – it was the mint one and I filled it with the creamy tobacco flavor
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • filled the well of  the other vape stick @ 8pm

Meals

  • ? cup of coffee
  • cheese, sausage, & crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • a vague need to cry, but the tears aren’t coming – unable to label the emotion

Notes

  • I guess Tuxedo Cat’s father found another car to borrow while the other cars are going to be fixed so now I feel I am of no use at all
  • wasted the day fucking around on RE2 – didn’t even accomplish much on that

Saturday ~ February 23, 2019

Daily Draw: The Magician

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm, up at 6am – 10 hours total

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm

Meals

  • 1 cup of coffee this morning
  • cranberry juice – MISTAKE!
  • a few saltine crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • is it an emotion to say that I feel like death warmed over?
    • this is how I feel today

Notes

  • I’ve spent most of the day in bed, struggled to nap, even though I know I need to get Daily Draws done for next week
    • brain fog is thick today
  • can’t keep nothing down – whatever this is, it’s both ends
    • my entire body hurts, every joint is on fire – especially the hips and lower back
  • and if that’s not bad enough, I find out that Tuxedo Cat’s paternal grandfather is in the hospital as of late last night – they don’t know what caused the light-headedness, but it doesn’t appear to be a heart attack or stroke for now
    • they are keeping him another day for observation

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