Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-10

This week started out well, but didn’t go as I expected.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ March 03, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: no sleep last night
nap at 1:30pm to 4pm – 2.5 hours total
nap at 10pm to 11pm – 1 hour total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • filled other vape stick with 30mg creamy tobacco @ 4am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • filled the second vape well with 35mg mint at 11:30pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • cheeseburger macaroni

Today’s Feelings

  • calm
  • rejected

Notes

  • just once I’d like to lay down for a nap and honestly be left alone in peace for once
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over
    • he showed up at 6pm and wanted to take just me out to eat
      • okay… this is my issue with last minute plans:
        • I still needed to cook dinner for the boys, which meant by the time that was ready for them to eat things would be pretty late
        • so he said we could just stay here and eat
        • I did want to go out to eat with him, but if I had known ahead of time, I could have had the boys’ dinner ready before he got here
    • he finally got to play Red Dead Redemption II that I bought him for V-day and… I passed out on him
      • he went home early for him and I felt lame as hell
        • he seemed pretty clueless that I was hoping for some sexy time with him
        • this runs deeper than playing a game, he didn’t even seem to be aware at first that I was pulling him in for a good night kiss
        • I didn’t feel like I was attractive to him tonight – like he wasn’t even interested in me
        • I mentioned all of this later on messenger, and he apologized for not realizing what I was hinting at (my brother’s family was in the room as he was leaving) and of course he said I was attractive to him
          • usually he’s pretty quick to pick up on this regardless of who is around
          • why do I feel like I’m struggling?
            • what the hell am I even struggling for?
        • I don’t know, maybe he felt rejected that I didn’t exactly jump for joy over his last minutes plans for a dinner date?
          • I really did want to go out with him though
          • having time some time with just the two of us would have been really nice and that’s what I really wanted tonight
            • and yes, I’m craving his touch like a crazy person and we barely did last night
  • unrelated side news: discovered last night that you can preorder Final Fantasy VII Remake on the Xbox One now for it’s release on MARCH 26th!!!!
    • first RE2 Remake, now this – for this old-time gamer life is grand

Monday ~ March 04, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 5am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds forgotten
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • encouraged

Notes

  • snow day today for the boys
  • first thing this morning he messaged me with the suggestion that we set aside time tonight for sexy time together
    • I’m hoping since it’s becoming easier to express my needs (without anger or resentment), that eventually the anxiety I feel around having needs will fade
      • having a need to begin with should never be a crisis and no one should ever be conditioned into thinking that
        • I pray my three boys will never feel as I do right now and will never struggle with this of being “too much”
          • and no, I’m not making this up – even Tuxedo Cat’s father pointed out the way my parents treat my brother’s stepdaughter and my youngest son and how it’s different from the way they treat the others
            • it was shocking and heartbreaking to relive my own childhood one day watching an episode between my mother and my brother’s stepdaughter one day not long ago, so I know where this is coming from in me now
              • frustrating that it’s taken being in therapy since 2004 in order for me to be able to see this and begin true healing
              • my needs and emotions are valid and I have the right to express them as they arise
                • if it makes you uncomfortable that’s your baggage, not mine
                  • why is my excitement or joy a problem?
                  • why is my sadness or disappointment a problem?
                  • other people’s emotions are not problems
                • if you can’t meet my needs, that’s fine I can ask someone else
                  • you don’t need to be the sole provider in my life – the world is abundant
                • neither one is justification for silencing anyone
  • found a guided meditation that I like that I think I will be using for awhile:
    • https://youtu.be/LGiJ51B0HGU?t=825
    • not only does it work on self love, but it also works on healing past wounds
    • lots of stuff came up, but one memory took hold during all of it first time around and I believe I will need to go through this more than a few times to clear everything

Tuesday ~ March 05, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • medium coffee from gas station
  • sushi dinner

Today’s Feelings

  • cheerful

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
    • spent the ENTIRE day with Tuxedo Cat’s father
      • he even came to my therapy with me
      • he tried sushi for the first time today for me
        • he thought it was weird, but not gross
        • he liked the miso soup this time around
      • got the part for his car that he needed
      • he got a haircut and got his dental appointment scheduled
        • didn’t take long for me to pick up that his barber finds him attractive as fuck
          • I found this amusing and felt a certain sort of pride that he’s with me instead
          • also appreciated that while he was comfortable with it, he worried whether the guy knew he wasn’t interested
            • I mean, this guy was pretty bold about the things he said
            • welcome to the world of women
            • I almost asked if I needed to beat the guy off with a bat, and I told him so after, but I didn’t detect distress so I remained silent
        • he’s relieved that he finally has the appointment, but antsy about the fact he has to wait over two weeks to come around
      • we watched Creed II
      • today he was the most like himself I’ve seen since October
      • today was also the most relaxed and uplifted I’ve felt in a long time
        • my therapist said I’ve been making a ton of progress since she’s met me, which is awesome because I feel that not just think it
        • I did ask her what I should be doing besides just guided meditation, she mentioned CBT: so basically rescripting which means examining thoughts and redirecting as needed and aligning behaviors to match desired thoughts
        • found a psychology workbook in the nearby bookstore that compliments the guided meditation I found yesterday
          • The Self-Esteem Workbook
          • in-depth, includes worksheets, and thumbing through it I see it covers not just the mind but the body too
            • so from what I can tell, it aligns with my belief that the person is a multi-dimensional being and you can’t focus on just one part of yourself, neglecting the rest, and expect to be well
      • only downside is, I spent way more money than I should have at the bookstore and on the sushi dinner today

Wednesday ~ March 06, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • pork chops, mashed potatoes, tropical fruit

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • forgot all about Ben’s OT appointment today
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father got his car running today!

Thursday ~ March 07, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • no added MSG chicken ramen noodles mixed with chicken Alfredo sauce

Today’s Feelings

Notes

  • I fucked up and created friction over text tonight with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • I should have known better and not messaged him at all since I knew he was going out tonight with his friends even though I thought he was home by the time I messaged him
      • he wasn’t home yet
      • naturally, I got glossed over since he was busy

Friday ~ March 08, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: -2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 7am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • crushed and dejected

Notes

  • more friction today, feels like we’re ending
    • he got upset with me because I talk about the same stuff all the time
      • welcome to the world of PTSD – among other things
      • welcome to the consequences of telling your girlfriend you don’t love her, you need more time, but expecting her to stay
    • I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this relationship being like this
      • I deserve to feel loved
      • why can’t I have that?
  • fuck, we almost broke up
    • all because I thought we had a date tomorrow night to see Captain Marvel together and he just asked me if I would be okay if his cousin tagged along
      • I said I wasn’t okay with it
        • he isn’t okay with bringing my sons to dinner dates
      • he got angry and accused me of being petty
      • he also made a speech about feeling about about now needing to tell his cousin that he can’t go
        • so I told him to go without me because I don’t want the resentment
        • this of course brought up the friction from earlier
    • I’ve been feeling like this has been coming to a head for awhile now, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised
      • what does surprise me is how much this fight felt like so many of the fights I’ve had with my ex-husband
        • this more than anything else it’s soul crushing
    • I ended up kicking him out of the house, telling him to feel free to change his status on Facebook because I can’t do this anymore
      • my feelings matter
      • he left saying this was fucking petty
    • he ended up calling as soon as he got home to apologize
      • he still tried to defend his stance
      • he’s not happy I’m not flexible
        • he really doesn’t understand why I’m not willing to change a date to a group friend outing at the last minute
        • he doesn’t understand why last minute anything is upsetting to me
          • my ex-husband did everything at the last minute with me
          • even if my ex makes plans with me ahead of time, he ups the ante on me incrementally, making more demands until he ultimately gets whatever it is he wants – whether it stomps all over my boundaries or not, whether it hurts me or someone else or not
          • I don’t like last minute planning
        • I’m working on being more flexible but between the PTSD and Autism, it’s not easy and comes with a heavy emotional and psychological toll
          • it’s draining as hell and anxiety inducing
          • just look at the boys and how poorly they handle changes
  • when he came back over, he admitted that he had forgotten that I have been diagnosed onto the Autism Spectrum
    • he said he has a hard time seeing me that way
    • he knows the boys have a hard time with change and spontaneity
      • yes I’m trying to be flexible, but it comes at a cost
      • I’m not sure that he is very accepting of my diagnosis or my need for stability and predictibility
        • he kept saying that I wasn’t going to change his mind on how this wasn’t a big deal
          • he seemed more interested in being right, making sure that I knew he was right, than making sure I was emotionally okay
            • I say this even though he stayed until I fell asleep, I don’t know when he left – I don’t recall him leaving or saying good-bye
            • my trust has been deeply damaged
              • I thought he accepted me for me
              • I thought my emotions mattered
              • I don’t know if it’s safe to open up anymore
              • as it was I felt like I had to beg to be comforted
                • he knew enough to apologize but there were no hugs or kisses… but then he asked why I felt like he was closed off and distant
                  • he claims he’s not pulling away but this is exactly what pulling away is
                  • more than that, I’m being punished
                    • fastest way to hurt someone is withdraw affection
  • at least the boys had a good time at their dance

Saturday ~ March 09, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 6am – ? total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • PM meds forgotten

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 bottles of Gatorade
  • large fountain Dr. Pepper
  • candy, popcorn, nachos, soft pretzles
  • chopped steak, loaded baked potato, apple sauce, many rolls

Today’s Feelings

  • despondent
  • stressed
  • upbeat

Notes

  • woke up with brain fog and feeling emotionally drained as fuck
  • went to Tuxedo Cat’s Unified Basketball tournament
    • ended up in feasting mode for the day – large quantities of everything
      • brain fog ended up lifting by the time I shifted to the candy
        • oddly, I was craving potatoes and grilled onions ALL DAY
          • since I had eaten carbs all day and it didn’t stop the craving, what the hell else is in them that my body could possibly want?
        • also odd as fuck: I ordered the chopped steak medium rare, ate it, and loved it
          • chopped steak looks like hamburger, so normally I can’t eat that unless it’s cooked well done
  • after the tournament, we bought mini pizzas for the boys and dropped them off so we could go out to dinner and watch Captain Marvel
    • I did this because there was a date not long ago that Scholar Owl said he would fix them dinner and then he didn’t, he went to bed without making sure his brothers got anything to eat
    • he promised tonight to take care of everything
    • Tuxedo Cat’s father and I had a nice evening together
      • in many ways it felt like we were starting over
      • I didn’t feel as open with him as I did Wednesday when I posted how I was doing
        • not as in a “I’m going to shut him out” sort of way, but more like a “I need to pull back and see what he’s going to do” kind of thing
          • my trust has been broken and it needs to be restored
          • I need to know with certainty that it is safe to be my authentic self, that it’s okay to be who I truly am
          • I need to feel that who I genuinely am is celebrated, appreciated, and valued, not just tolerated
            • I have no desired to be molded into someone else’s image anymore
            • I have no desire to serve as a surrogate or placeholder for someone else in a relationship anymore
          • I need to be 100% me or I need to be set free

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