This week started out well, but didn’t go as I expected.
Mood Score Key:
Sliding Hypomania = 1 ~ Hypomania = 2 ~ Mania = 3 ~ Baseline (My Normal) = 0
Sliding Depression = -1 ~ Depression = -2 ~ Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State
Energy Score Key:
Low = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ High = 1
Irritation Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Anxiety Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3
Migraine Score Key:
None = 0 ~ Mild = 1 ~ Moderate = 2 ~ Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A
Sleep Quality Score Key:
Bad = -1 ~ Normal = 0 ~ Great = 1
Special Notes for the Week
Menses Start Date: ~
Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~
Sunday ~ March 03, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: no sleep last night
nap at 1:30pm to 4pm – 2.5 hours total
nap at 10pm to 11pm – 1 hour total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- filled other vape stick with 30mg creamy tobacco @ 4am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
- filled the second vape well with 35mg mint at 11:30pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
- cheeseburger macaroni
Today’s Feelings
- calm
- rejected
Notes
- just once I’d like to lay down for a nap and honestly be left alone in peace for once
- Tuxedo Cat’s father came over
- he showed up at 6pm and wanted to take just me out to eat
- okay… this is my issue with last minute plans:
- I still needed to cook dinner for the boys, which meant by the time that was ready for them to eat things would be pretty late
- so he said we could just stay here and eat
- I did want to go out to eat with him, but if I had known ahead of time, I could have had the boys’ dinner ready before he got here
- okay… this is my issue with last minute plans:
- he finally got to play Red Dead Redemption II that I bought him for V-day and… I passed out on him
- he went home early for him and I felt lame as hell
- he seemed pretty clueless that I was hoping for some sexy time with him
- this runs deeper than playing a game, he didn’t even seem to be aware at first that I was pulling him in for a good night kiss
- I didn’t feel like I was attractive to him tonight – like he wasn’t even interested in me
- I mentioned all of this later on messenger, and he apologized for not realizing what I was hinting at (my brother’s family was in the room as he was leaving) and of course he said I was attractive to him
- usually he’s pretty quick to pick up on this regardless of who is around
- why do I feel like I’m struggling?
- what the hell am I even struggling for?
- I don’t know, maybe he felt rejected that I didn’t exactly jump for joy over his last minutes plans for a dinner date?
- I really did want to go out with him though
- having time some time with just the two of us would have been really nice and that’s what I really wanted tonight
- and yes, I’m craving his touch like a crazy person and we barely did last night
- he went home early for him and I felt lame as hell
- he showed up at 6pm and wanted to take just me out to eat
- unrelated side news: discovered last night that you can preorder Final Fantasy VII Remake on the Xbox One now for it’s release on MARCH 26th!!!!
- first RE2 Remake, now this – for this old-time gamer life is grand
Monday ~ March 04, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 5am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- AM meds forgotten
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 2 cups of coffee
Today’s Feelings
- encouraged
Notes
- snow day today for the boys
- first thing this morning he messaged me with the suggestion that we set aside time tonight for sexy time together
- I’m hoping since it’s becoming easier to express my needs (without anger or resentment), that eventually the anxiety I feel around having needs will fade
- having a need to begin with should never be a crisis and no one should ever be conditioned into thinking that
- I pray my three boys will never feel as I do right now and will never struggle with this of being “too much”
- and no, I’m not making this up – even Tuxedo Cat’s father pointed out the way my parents treat my brother’s stepdaughter and my youngest son and how it’s different from the way they treat the others
- it was shocking and heartbreaking to relive my own childhood one day watching an episode between my mother and my brother’s stepdaughter one day not long ago, so I know where this is coming from in me now
- frustrating that it’s taken being in therapy since 2004 in order for me to be able to see this and begin true healing
- my needs and emotions are valid and I have the right to express them as they arise
- if it makes you uncomfortable that’s your baggage, not mine
- why is my excitement or joy a problem?
- why is my sadness or disappointment a problem?
- other people’s emotions are not problems
- if you can’t meet my needs, that’s fine I can ask someone else
- you don’t need to be the sole provider in my life – the world is abundant
- neither one is justification for silencing anyone
- if it makes you uncomfortable that’s your baggage, not mine
- it was shocking and heartbreaking to relive my own childhood one day watching an episode between my mother and my brother’s stepdaughter one day not long ago, so I know where this is coming from in me now
- and no, I’m not making this up – even Tuxedo Cat’s father pointed out the way my parents treat my brother’s stepdaughter and my youngest son and how it’s different from the way they treat the others
- I pray my three boys will never feel as I do right now and will never struggle with this of being “too much”
- having a need to begin with should never be a crisis and no one should ever be conditioned into thinking that
- I’m hoping since it’s becoming easier to express my needs (without anger or resentment), that eventually the anxiety I feel around having needs will fade
- found a guided meditation that I like that I think I will be using for awhile:
- https://youtu.be/LGiJ51B0HGU?t=825
- not only does it work on self love, but it also works on healing past wounds
- lots of stuff came up, but one memory took hold during all of it first time around and I believe I will need to go through this more than a few times to clear everything
Tuesday ~ March 05, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- ? cups of coffee
- medium coffee from gas station
- sushi dinner
Today’s Feelings
- cheerful
Notes
- Therapy Tuesday
- spent the ENTIRE day with Tuxedo Cat’s father
- he even came to my therapy with me
- he tried sushi for the first time today for me
- he thought it was weird, but not gross
- he liked the miso soup this time around
- got the part for his car that he needed
- he got a haircut and got his dental appointment scheduled
- didn’t take long for me to pick up that his barber finds him attractive as fuck
- I found this amusing and felt a certain sort of pride that he’s with me instead
- also appreciated that while he was comfortable with it, he worried whether the guy knew he wasn’t interested
- I mean, this guy was pretty bold about the things he said
- welcome to the world of women
- I almost asked if I needed to beat the guy off with a bat, and I told him so after, but I didn’t detect distress so I remained silent
- he’s relieved that he finally has the appointment, but antsy about the fact he has to wait over two weeks to come around
- didn’t take long for me to pick up that his barber finds him attractive as fuck
- we watched Creed II
- today he was the most like himself I’ve seen since October
- today was also the most relaxed and uplifted I’ve felt in a long time
- my therapist said I’ve been making a ton of progress since she’s met me, which is awesome because I feel that not just think it
- I did ask her what I should be doing besides just guided meditation, she mentioned CBT: so basically rescripting which means examining thoughts and redirecting as needed and aligning behaviors to match desired thoughts
- found a psychology workbook in the nearby bookstore that compliments the guided meditation I found yesterday
- The Self-Esteem Workbook
- in-depth, includes worksheets, and thumbing through it I see it covers not just the mind but the body too
- so from what I can tell, it aligns with my belief that the person is a multi-dimensional being and you can’t focus on just one part of yourself, neglecting the rest, and expect to be well
- only downside is, I spent way more money than I should have at the bookstore and on the sushi dinner today
- bought The Scorch Trials and The One Thing as well
- I didn’t spend money anywhere else
- spent the ENTIRE day with Tuxedo Cat’s father
Wednesday ~ March 06, 2019
Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 9am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
- 1 multivitamin @ 9am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- pork chops, mashed potatoes, tropical fruit
Today’s Feelings
- content
Notes
- forgot all about Ben’s OT appointment today
- Tuxedo Cat’s father got his car running today!
Thursday ~ March 07, 2019
Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 8am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
- 1 multivitamin @ 8am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- no added MSG chicken ramen noodles mixed with chicken Alfredo sauce
Today’s Feelings
Notes
- I fucked up and created friction over text tonight with Tuxedo Cat’s father
- I should have known better and not messaged him at all since I knew he was going out tonight with his friends even though I thought he was home by the time I messaged him
- he wasn’t home yet
- naturally, I got glossed over since he was busy
- I should have known better and not messaged him at all since I knew he was going out tonight with his friends even though I thought he was home by the time I messaged him
Friday ~ March 08, 2019
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: -2 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 7am – 5 hours total
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 8:30am
- 1 multivitamin @ 8:30am
- 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
Meals
- 4 cups of coffee
Today’s Feelings
- crushed and dejected
Notes
- more friction today, feels like we’re ending
- he got upset with me because I talk about the same stuff all the time
- welcome to the world of PTSD – among other things
- welcome to the consequences of telling your girlfriend you don’t love her, you need more time, but expecting her to stay
- I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this relationship being like this
- I deserve to feel loved
- why can’t I have that?
- he got upset with me because I talk about the same stuff all the time
- fuck, we almost broke up
- all because I thought we had a date tomorrow night to see Captain Marvel together and he just asked me if I would be okay if his cousin tagged along
- I said I wasn’t okay with it
- he isn’t okay with bringing my sons to dinner dates
- he got angry and accused me of being petty
- he also made a speech about feeling about about now needing to tell his cousin that he can’t go
- so I told him to go without me because I don’t want the resentment
- this of course brought up the friction from earlier
- I said I wasn’t okay with it
- I’ve been feeling like this has been coming to a head for awhile now, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised
- what does surprise me is how much this fight felt like so many of the fights I’ve had with my ex-husband
- this more than anything else it’s soul crushing
- what does surprise me is how much this fight felt like so many of the fights I’ve had with my ex-husband
- I ended up kicking him out of the house, telling him to feel free to change his status on Facebook because I can’t do this anymore
- my feelings matter
- he left saying this was fucking petty
- he ended up calling as soon as he got home to apologize
- he still tried to defend his stance
- he’s not happy I’m not flexible
- he really doesn’t understand why I’m not willing to change a date to a group friend outing at the last minute
- he doesn’t understand why last minute anything is upsetting to me
- my ex-husband did everything at the last minute with me
- even if my ex makes plans with me ahead of time, he ups the ante on me incrementally, making more demands until he ultimately gets whatever it is he wants – whether it stomps all over my boundaries or not, whether it hurts me or someone else or not
- I don’t like last minute planning
- I’m working on being more flexible but between the PTSD and Autism, it’s not easy and comes with a heavy emotional and psychological toll
- it’s draining as hell and anxiety inducing
- just look at the boys and how poorly they handle changes
- all because I thought we had a date tomorrow night to see Captain Marvel together and he just asked me if I would be okay if his cousin tagged along
- when he came back over, he admitted that he had forgotten that I have been diagnosed onto the Autism Spectrum
- he said he has a hard time seeing me that way
- he knows the boys have a hard time with change and spontaneity
- yes I’m trying to be flexible, but it comes at a cost
- I’m not sure that he is very accepting of my diagnosis or my need for stability and predictibility
- he kept saying that I wasn’t going to change his mind on how this wasn’t a big deal
- he seemed more interested in being right, making sure that I knew he was right, than making sure I was emotionally okay
- I say this even though he stayed until I fell asleep, I don’t know when he left – I don’t recall him leaving or saying good-bye
- my trust has been deeply damaged
- I thought he accepted me for me
- I thought my emotions mattered
- I don’t know if it’s safe to open up anymore
- as it was I felt like I had to beg to be comforted
- he knew enough to apologize but there were no hugs or kisses… but then he asked why I felt like he was closed off and distant
- he claims he’s not pulling away but this is exactly what pulling away is
- more than that, I’m being punished
- fastest way to hurt someone is withdraw affection
- he knew enough to apologize but there were no hugs or kisses… but then he asked why I felt like he was closed off and distant
- he seemed more interested in being right, making sure that I knew he was right, than making sure I was emotionally okay
- he kept saying that I wasn’t going to change his mind on how this wasn’t a big deal
- at least the boys had a good time at their dance
Saturday ~ March 09, 2019
Mood: -2 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0
Hours of Sleep: bed at ?, up at 6am – ? total hours
Sleep Quality: 0
Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:
Meds Taken
- 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
- 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
- 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
- PM meds forgotten
Meals
- 3 cups of coffee
- 2 bottles of Gatorade
- large fountain Dr. Pepper
- candy, popcorn, nachos, soft pretzles
- chopped steak, loaded baked potato, apple sauce, many rolls
Today’s Feelings
- despondent
- stressed
- upbeat
Notes
- woke up with brain fog and feeling emotionally drained as fuck
- went to Tuxedo Cat’s Unified Basketball tournament
- ended up in feasting mode for the day – large quantities of everything
- brain fog ended up lifting by the time I shifted to the candy
- oddly, I was craving potatoes and grilled onions ALL DAY
- since I had eaten carbs all day and it didn’t stop the craving, what the hell else is in them that my body could possibly want?
- also odd as fuck: I ordered the chopped steak medium rare, ate it, and loved it
- chopped steak looks like hamburger, so normally I can’t eat that unless it’s cooked well done
- oddly, I was craving potatoes and grilled onions ALL DAY
- brain fog ended up lifting by the time I shifted to the candy
- ended up in feasting mode for the day – large quantities of everything
- after the tournament, we bought mini pizzas for the boys and dropped them off so we could go out to dinner and watch Captain Marvel
- I did this because there was a date not long ago that Scholar Owl said he would fix them dinner and then he didn’t, he went to bed without making sure his brothers got anything to eat
- he promised tonight to take care of everything
- Tuxedo Cat’s father and I had a nice evening together
- in many ways it felt like we were starting over
- I didn’t feel as open with him as I did Wednesday when I posted how I was doing
- not as in a “I’m going to shut him out” sort of way, but more like a “I need to pull back and see what he’s going to do” kind of thing
- my trust has been broken and it needs to be restored
- I need to know with certainty that it is safe to be my authentic self, that it’s okay to be who I truly am
- I need to feel that who I genuinely am is celebrated, appreciated, and valued, not just tolerated
- I have no desired to be molded into someone else’s image anymore
- I have no desire to serve as a surrogate or placeholder for someone else in a relationship anymore
- I need to be 100% me or I need to be set free
- not as in a “I’m going to shut him out” sort of way, but more like a “I need to pull back and see what he’s going to do” kind of thing
