Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-11

I feel like there has been a lot of paranoia and insecurity this week for me. Not sure what’s driving that. Appetite pattern has been odd this week too. Been sleeping a bit more than I normally do, but I don’t feel it’s excessive. Don’t know if this is an active mood episode of some kind, or if it’s something else.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ March 10, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 9am – 8 hours total
Little Bear was awake when I got home and refused to go to bed until 5am when I discovered that he hadn’t gotten his bedtime meds

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 11:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 11:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 11:30am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 12pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • spaghetti with Alfredo sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • pensive
  • content

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s father and I got back from our date at 1am
    • found Little Bear still awake
    • Tuxedo Cat’s father asked if he could spend the night for a non-sexual intimate evening together
      • I said yes to this, and it remained exactly what he said it would be
        • for the record, I trusted him in his word on this matter
        • he was actually worried that I would want more
          • honestly? I wasn’t ready to open up to him on that level at this point given what’s happened between us recently
  • Little Bear woke me up at 5am over a game
    • this is when I find out from Scholar Owl that Little Bear didn’t get his bedtime meds, so I gave it to him then
      • Little Bear fell asleep shortly after that
      • seriously, what the hell?!
        • Scholar Owl bitched at me when I got home at 1am because he had to stay awake with Little Bear, but if he had given him the meds NONE of this would have happened
  • as soon as Tuxedo Cat’s father was out the door this morning, Dad ripped into me about how I need to be home to take care of my kids
    • Mom gave him the stink eye
    • I called him out saying, “You were the one saying I need to get out and be social more because it’s not healthy to stay home all the time.”
      • in this moment he refused to look at me as he tried to make it sound like I’m a bad parent for going out on a date once or twice a week
      • he literally states, “Well, it’s not my fucking problem.”
        • making it clear he is still refusing to babysit for me
      • I call him again by saying, “You can’t have it both ways.”
      • he then says, “Well, you need to make sure Scholar Owl is doing what he’s supposed to be doing then.”
        • I have every intention of doing that, thanks Captain Obvious
        • this is only a recent problem that has cropped up as of last week with Scholar Owl not taking care of shit while babysitting
          • the first time was dinner on our last date before this one, he went to bed without eating and didn’t bother fixing the other two anything after he said he would
          • the second time was this time around with Little Bear’s meds
            • I have his med box set up and told Scholar Owl about it and where it was
            • we all take our meds at the same time, but he somehow conveniently forgot
            • this feels like either teenaged protest behavior to me or Scholar Owl is having a depressive Bipolar episode
              • his sleep is out of whack
              • his ADLs are out of whack
              • getting him to do chores is like pulling teeth
              • seriously, how much of this is just typical teenager bullshit and how much of this is Bipolar dysfunction?
                • either way, it’s time for one of those heart-to-heart talks to find out and get things sorted
        • I think Dad’s behavior has more to do with trying to re-establish control in my life and create disruption within my stride than anything else
          • every time I find an equilibrium in my life and start to feel like I’m gaining ground, he starts stirring the shit pot somehow
          • I really shouldn’t assume intent, but this fits a very specific pattern of his
            • actually, this article sheds some serious light on this pattern of behavior
  • Dad felt the need this evening to give me the speech that Scholar Owl is just plain lazy, that nothing is wrong with him and that nothing is going on
    • the kid is still a teen and diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 and Social Anxiety Disorder, but sure… nothing is going on and nothing is wrong…
      • so tired of being told I know nothing about my children – or myself
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over to visit tonight
    • at dinner time I asked him what his plans were for the night, but it wasn’t until we crawled into bed together that he asked me if it was okay if he didn’t spend the night
      • I felt like this was the worst timing ever to tell me that he didn’t have any intention of spending the night
      • I felt like he was testing me for my reaction, which irritated me and I felt something in me close off and pull away
        • why am I the one being tested here?
        • why are we even playing games like this?
      • I told him he could stay the night if he wanted to or go home if he needed to, but I wasn’t going to beg
        • I got the odd sense that wasn’t the response he wanted
        • he ended up spending the night

Monday ~ March 11, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine:

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • doubtful

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s father ended up leaving first thing this morning
    • he didn’t linger to chat over coffee or anything since he had to take his daughter to school this morning
    • things felt distant between us this morning
      • he was mainly focused on his up coming weigh-in today
      • I was focused on trying to catch up on my blog and get my Chaos Rally post finished since I’m behind with that
      • the emotional connection, if there ever was one, felt absent
        • I doubt he was even aware of it since he’s so quick to tell me that he doesn’t love me
        • maybe it’s for the best
        • maybe I do need to put my walls back up and leave them there
          • I don’t really believe that, but I’m tired of getting hurt like I did last Thursday and Friday – or worse
            • I don’t know… I guess what’s getting to me is how he really jabbed home in the beginning how I left him twice and now he keeps repeating how much of a sweetheart I am, but he was so quick to respond aggressively last Friday when I didn’t react the way he expected me to when he wanted to make last minute changes
              • it makes me uneasy in a deep way
                • I feel like I’m not allowed to walk away if I need to
                • I feel like I can’t trust this won’t happen again
                  • how can I know this won’t get worse?
                • how can I come to terms with this?
            • the other thing that gets me is he complains that I dominate the conversation but… I feel like he always seems to change the subject to whatever he wants to talk about: himself
              • I feel lately I’m struggling to be heard and his complaint is his way of silencing me
  • chatting online with Tuxedo Cat’s father later this morning only made me feel slightly better
    • the ball is entirely in his court now
  • my biggest concern right now is how to get myself into a place of inner peace with all that has happened recently
    • if I’m going to stay in this relationship, then I need to be in a place of trust and openness
    • if I can’t keep my heart open and receptive, then doubt and insecurity will take hold and swallow me alive in this
      • there’s no way around this fact
      • yes there are things he can do that will either help or hinder this, but ultimately it’s on me
    • if I can’t remain open and trusting – for whatever reason – then I don’t belong in this relationship
      • it’s not good for him and it’s not good for me
      • so I need to be willing and able to walk away if it comes to that
  • naturally he didn’t want to spend time with me tonight
    • in fact, I had to reach out to him both this morning and this afternoon
    • I shouldn’t be surprised with this
      • but he claims everything is fine and there isn’t any distance between us
      • he doesn’t feel like anything major has changed between us since Friday
      • so of course I’m spiraling into anxiety over here
        • I’m done chasing him
          • I didn’t protest and I didn’t beg
          • all I did was reach out and ask him what his plans were for tonight and he told me he was going to chill at home and call it early
  • our food stamps did not come in this month yet and the office for our region was not reachable today
    • the automated system said their call volume was too high, that I needed to call back tomorrow, and it hung up on me

Tuesday ~ March 12, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • filled the vape well for the 35mg mint one @ 1pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • angst
  • disappointed

Notes

  • Dad claims that I didn’t tell him I needed someone to be home for Little Bear at 11am since Scholar Owl had a med clinic appointment just before my therapy appointment today
    • “Just because I was standing there when you said something doesn’t mean you told me!”
      • Am I the only one wondering how this makes sense? And on what planet?!
  • I damn near had a panic attack in the waiting room just before my therapy appointment
    • a few things got her attention about my fight with Tuxedo Cat’s father last Friday night:
      • the moment he brought up how all his other friends are fine with last minute changes was the moment he revealed I was nothing more than a friend to him in his mind
      • him telling me that a part of him always loved me then taking it back is part of a push-pull game
        • fuck boy mind games actually
        • pay attention to the congruence of behavior, that never lies
      • his inability to accept my disorders for what they are
        • especially his willful need to cling to the high-functioning label of my Autism
      • his apology and then his quick shift to explaining why he was right
        • rendered it into a non-apology
      • the following Morning how he didn’t feel anything has changed
        • he doesn’t appear to understand how this event has nothing to do with right or wrong, but everything to do with being safe, seen, and valued for who I am as I am
  • tried to chat with Tuxedo Cat’s father about my therapy online and it resulted in another argument
    • he tried to tell me that we just needed to move on from it
    • accused me of lecturing him
    • eventually I was able to explain to him that emotions can only move on when they have been properly processed
      • if he began with openness and love this wouldn’t turn into a fight and I would be able to heal instead of staying stuck in pain
      • I asked him if I needed to find someone else
        • and he immediately jumped to, “Why can’t I say I feel attacked without it turning into you threatening to leave?”
          • now, first off I wasn’t threatening to leave but I can see how it looked like that
          • second, I just answered with, “If all you said was you feel attacked that would be fine but that’s not what you do. Instead you attack me, aggressively.”
            • I mean this through yelling – which I find highly frightening and I’m done tolerating it seeing how it threw me into a flashback that even now I haven’t fully recovered from
            • and that night it was all because he didn’t like the tone of my voice
              • somehow, it made him feel attacked
              • I still stand by you can’t hurt someone and expect them to be sweet about it
                • yes, I used a grumpy ass tone when I told him he could take his cousin to the movie instead
                  • who the hell wants a third wheel to tag along on a date on last minute notice?
          • third, why as of late has it been coming down to, “Do I stay or do I go?”
            • why does there even need to be this sort of mind fuck involved in the discussion?
        • but really, I asked him if I needed to find someone else because I’m tired of being attacked only to be later told that me expressing my feelings/needs made him feel attacked
          • I don’t feel safe to express myself in that sort of context
          • and when I tell him this he says it was only the one time
            • it’s not the only time it’s ever happened, it’s just the worse time it’s ever happened
    • so when I insist upon how are we going to repair, he gets vague as fuck
      • again, he starts sounding like my ex-husband with the bullshit promise of “I will try to do better from now on.”
        • he’s already given me this promise before
          • if anything… the distance between us has widened
        • why I have a problem with this promise:
          • too vague
          • zero accountability
          • he can do whatever the fuck he wants and later say, “Well, I only said I would try. What do you want from me?”
      • the moment I pushed for specifics, I’m accused of lecturing
        • I ask him why is it I’m accused of lecturing whenever I try to stand up for myself and he tells me it’s the way I talk
        • I tell him I wouldn’t talk like this if he didn’t dodge the topic so hard
    • I guess the thing that bugs me the most in all of this is right off the bat he gave me this speech about how he has been single for so long that he’s gotten into a routine on how he does things…
      • but this is the thing, when you love someone – when you truly, deeply, care… none of that matters
        • you just step up to the plate and bring your A Game to the best of your ability because you want to win at this
          • he just revealed he isn’t bringing his best to the game
    • he ended up leaving for an appointment, saying he would get back to me after
      • as usual, I had to reach out to him – hours later
        • sudden things – important things – had come up
          • a quick text to give me a heads up would have been nice instead of leaving me sitting here waiting
            • I don’t have a cellphone, just my desktop, to receive messages with so if I’m waiting for you, I’m locked down to one spot
      • we talked a bit in depth about his inability to deal with his emotions and his anger/temper
        • and I shared with him my struggles with alexthymia prior to us getting together
          • my breakthrough didn’t happen until after we got together and after Little Bear went into in-patient in October and it was sudden and ALL my walls came crashing down all at once
      • and of course, he needs a man cave day when I need an emotional comfort day
        • same as yesterday
        • I was okay with it yesterday, but today it’s harder to deal with

Wednesday ~ March 13, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9:30pm, up at 6am – 9.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 5 slices of pizza
  • 2 steaks, 2 helpings of mashed potatoes, 3 helpings of green salad

Today’s Feelings

  • insecure in the AM
  • calm and content in the PM

Notes

  • expressed my insecurity to Tuxedo Cat’s father over messenger on Facebook and instantly regretted it
    • he was kind about it, thankfully
  • went to Tuxedo Cat’s pizza party for his unified basketball team
    • he got his varsity letter today
      • now I need to find out how to get him a jacket for it
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over late for dinner
    • he played Uno with me and Little Bear while dinner cook
    • it was fun while he watched me close as I cooked
      • he doesn’t know how to cook, so he was interested in seeing how I do it
    • he didn’t stay long after dinner since he was so tired, which is okay
      • I’ve been beginning to feel like I have been the cause of him being so drained, so I encouraged him to go home and get some rest
  • both my parents at different times today made a point to bring up that Tuxedo Cat’s father hasn’t been coming around much lately
    • why is it their business?
    • the way they brought it up made me feel like they were digging for information/gossip more than anything else

Thursday ~ March 14, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total
napped 9:30pm to 11pm – 1.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • filled the vape well for the 35mg creamy tobacco one @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 3 chicken burgers on buns with lettuce, tomatoes, and onions

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • half day at public school today
    • called Little Bear in for a mental health day
      • he’s been complaining quite often that I don’t spend any time with him anymore
      • spent the entire day one on one with him
        • he’s been very clingy today – more so than usual
  • as usual, if I get what Dad thinks is a bunch of phone calls in one day (more than two) he starts bitching
    • it’s bad enough that he usually wants to know what my phone calls are about
    • I really need to figure out how I can afford a separate line like the last time I lived here so it’s not ringing in his bedroom
      • didn’t get as many of these complaints back then and he never asked me about my calls that I can remember like he does now
        • some reason by sharing a line he feels he has the right to know
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over for dinner
    • helped me beat the final boss in RE2 Remake’s Claire B in Hardcore mode afterwards
      • for some reason, I wasn’t able to get the damage in fast enough
    • tried to watch more episodes of Designated Survivor with him, but I was having trouble staying awake
      • caught Dad saying some snide remarks about it
        • yes, this has been an ongoing issue of mine, but I have never been one for much television
          • unless I am on the higher end of the mood spectrum, I can’t keep up with it because it doesn’t require interaction
            • I do not find it stimulating enough to sit there hours on end doing nothing but just watching something
              • give me a game, a conversation – anything to DO
      • so yeah, he went home relatively early – for me – and I ended up working on my blog
        • besides… I’m not going to ask for physical affection if he isn’t going to initiate and reach for me with enthusiasm and passion like he once did before October
          • I’m done with struggling and fighting this
            • either he wants me or he doesn’t
            • I’m not begging for it anymore, I shouldn’t have to
  • Dad also had to tease Little Bear until he got nasty and then Dad of course acted like my son had no right to be that way
    • “I can be nasty too. Maybe I should start treating you the way you treat me.”
      • not sure why he feels the need to be like this

Friday ~ March 15, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10am, up at 4pm – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • 2 chicken burgers

Today’s Feelings

  • disappointed, selfish, and resentment
  • relaxed and calm

Notes

  • Worked on blog from 11pm night before to 9:30am
    • Posted Chaos Rally #11
      • interrupted by fire alarm due to wood stove puffing smoke and filling up the kitchen and all the rooms upstairs with it for some reason and required attending to
        • had to open up the windows and everything
          • far as I can tell, my parents slept through the entire event along with Little Bear
    • Scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 12
    • Scheduled Chaos Rally #12
  • just found out that because Tuxedo Cat’s father had switched weekends with his daughter two weeks ago so he could have last weekend free to see our son’s game, he has her this weekend instead
    • wished I had known that last night so we could have done something other than sleep inducing TV
      • why do I feel so much resentment over this?
  • no remorse or concern from my dad when I told him about the fire alarm and smoke at 3am this morning
    • like zero fucks to give
      • people die from smoke inhalation all the time, what would have happened if no one had been awake or had woke up from the alarm?
        • “Hard to say,” was his response when I said something about being lucky somebody woke up to it to take care of the smoke
          • really? just… fuck you – my babies live here
  • decided after my nap that today I will just focus on relaxing and doing my thing
    • this translated to connecting my Xbox Gamertag to Capcom’s account and setting to work on their “extreme achievements” since I’ve already earned one and of course, their weekly challenges – because… why not?
      • if I’m going to waste my time dinking around, what better way to do it?

Saturday ~ March 16, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 6am, up at 1pm – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 2 plates of spaghetti with sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • productive, but annoyed

Notes

  • worked on blog from 2:30am to 5am
    • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 13
    • scheduled NaNo Bite posts for week 14
    • really NOT liking how the copy post function is working right now
  • woke up this afternoon hearing my dad tell Little Bear to ask me to buy crackers because he’s tired of feeding my kids all the time after my son asked him for some
    • but he still hasn’t paid me back for the milk I bought to replaced the soured jug in his fridge
      • clearly my children are putting a strain on his precious food storage
      • these attempts to pick a fight with me are getting old
  • worked on blog 2:30pm to 6:30pm with many interruptions
    • scheduled NaNo Bite posts for week 15
    • scheduled NaNo Bite posts for week 16
      • this second set felt like it had a better rhythm in terms of getting it done
  • started reading “The Scorch Trials”

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