Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-12

At this point I think it’s safe to say a depressive episode is trying to hit, if it hasn’t hit already. Spring is here and the time change isn’t helping. Basic memory recall has even gone out the window. This is why routine is so important. This completely fits my usual annual pattern, sadly. No idea why my mood slides downward as the season warms up. Seriously would help for me to remember to take my meds every day, and on time.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 03/21/2019

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ March 17, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 11am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM missed
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 0.5 bottle of Gatorade
  • 1 glass of hard cider
  • 2 helpings of homemade fried rice

Today’s Feelings

  • productive
  • mildly disappointed
  • content

Notes

  • worked on blog 1am to 3:30am
    • scheduled NaNo Bite posts for week 17
    • scheduled NaNo Bite posts for week 18
      • and that takes care of all the mini writing prompts for Camp NaNo in April I had planned
    • made sure the rest of my NaNo Bite posts for the year are scheduled into my “To-Do Calendar”
      • actually, made sure a bunch of stuff was properly scheduled in my “To-Do Calendar” – complete with reminders
  • might not be going on the date to play pool as planned for tonight since he’s expecting to be over late
    • the water quit over at Tuxedo Cat’s father’s parents’ place around 12:30pm and by 3:30pm he’s still trying to fix it
    • really starting to feel like the world is working against us
    • he ended up showing up at his usual time, around dinner
      • kind of got the impression he didn’t want to go play pool, but he did take me out and we had a good time
        • I still suck immensely at the game – consistently inconsistent with it
        • all physical affection had to be initiated by me
        • we did talk for a while on the way home and a bit in the living room
          • seriously… why am I having such a hard time letting this one particular fight go?
            • there are things in this I can’t even articulate here
            • why can’t I mend? where is the block here?!
        • he didn’t stay the night, but promised tomorrow he would
          • even promised he’d bring his “mojo” along
          • part of me is afraid to get my hopes up

Monday ~ March 18, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
room was insanely cold, even with electric blanket, didn’t find out window was open until alarm went off
tried to take a nap off and on all day, didn’t seem to go well at all

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • can’t remember if I took my meds this morning – not sure if I care
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ ?
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • drained
  • happy

Notes

  • IEP meeting for Little Bear
    • went exceptionally well
  • brain fog all day
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over to spend the night
    • played Skipbo with Little Bear and I
    • the sex was incredibly nice later that night

Tuesday ~ March 19, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 6:30am
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 6:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 6:30am
  • forgot PM meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 2 pkgs. instant pumpkin spice oatmeal

Today’s Feelings

  • happy

Notes

  • woke up with some brain fog going on
  • still felt connected with Tuxedo Cat’s father this morning before he headed out
  • therapy appointment was cancelled this morning due to my therapist not being in today – at least I was called before Little Bear was picked up for school
  • discovered today that more of my scheduled posts were published on time as they should have been
    • once was a failure of the system – sitting there saying it was scheduled with a back date (why?!)
    • once was a mishap on my part due to me putting in the wrong date somehow (for the following month rather than this month)

Wednesday ~ March 20, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: don’t remember

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • beef stroganoff, succotash, diced mangoes

Today’s Feelings

  • forgot to document how I felt, but I don’t recall any extremes
  • mostly being stressed, tapped out, and ignored
    • typical day really

Notes

  • worked on the blog
    • scheduled Chaos Rally post for week 13
      • despite all this work, I still feel insanely behind – why?
  • worked on laundry
  • took Little Bear to OT
  • took Little Bear to Bath & Body Works at the mall and bought aromatherapy wall plugins (for him) and massage oils (for me)
  • took Little Bear grocery shopping
  • I feel like I spent way too much money for what little I bought
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over for dinner and to spend the night
    • I felt bad that I wasn’t up to going for a walk in the dark
    • watched him play Red Dead Redemption II most of the evening
      • Little Bear was still attached to my hip and was somewhat verbally rude about it – yes, I understand he worries that Tuxedo Cat’s father is taking me away from him
    • all Tuxedo Cat’s father wanted to do after that was sleep, but he at least let me give him the message I had planned
      • bonus side note: he did tell me that he really likes sleeping next to me
        • words cannot express how happy this made me feel to hear this
    • sometimes I wonder if he listens to the songs I send him via messenger and it pushes him away rather than creates connection
      • yes, I sent him a link this morning
        • it’s always a song that reflect the way I feel about him
      • so this question is problematic for me because the pattern has been:
        • I send a link early in the day and then later in the day he is distant
        • I suppose this side of me turns men off?

Thursday ~ March 21, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 6am – 5.5 hours total
woke up tired

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • meds were forgotten completely
    • why do I bother with a med box if this is what I’m going to do?

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • almost a full sleeve of crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • agitated
  • burdened
  • empty
  • exhausted
  • dispirited
  • sensitive

Notes

  • tried to play Resident Evil 2 Remake, but the game pissed me off at the first boss
  • tried to play Minecraft with Little Bear only to discover that because he accidentally spilled hot chocolate onto his keyboard, it’s now malfunctioning and many keys (okay MOST) aren’t working properly and I need to buy a new keyboard for him
  • menses started today, which like always, makes me feel like I’m in the early stages of labor
    • now that I have given birth to 3 sons, I have the means to describe what the hell this feels like for me – couldn’t before other than it hurts
    • I also understand why I never thought the early stages of labor were a big deal since this is the way menstruation has been for me since I was 12
    • humor me in my moment of weakness as I bitch about this
      • I am aware my current mindset makes it worse
      • the one thing that makes it better is off limits
  • I ended up calling it quits early, with a cloud of disapproval hanging over me
    • just wanted the day to end
    • totally feel like I wasted the day

Friday ~ March 22, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 3 ~ Migraine: 0.5h

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7pm night before, up at 6am – 11 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 7pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • beef & rice soup

Today’s Feelings

  • empty and robotic right out the gate this morning
  • anxious and crying by late morning
  • invisible by evening
  • abandoned by late night and early morning

Notes

  • woke up with vague sinus pressure
  • fucking snowing today
  • I find it distressing that yesterday morning he was quick to reach out to me, but by evening he was only willing to touch base with me long enough to mention he was worried about something regarding his daughter, but as soon as it was time to hang out with his friend he cuts me off with a ultra vague, “I’ll tell you more the next time I see you.”
    • I haven’t heard from him since and it’s 10am now
      • why do people feel the need to do this to me?
        • don’t bring up worrisome shit if you don’t intend to give details
          • this doesn’t create mystery, it creates ANXIETY
          • I get he may have needed someone to talk to, but… I feel yanked around
            • when’s the next time he’s supposed to see me?
            • just how bad are things?
            • was I supposed to reach out to him this morning?
  • I did reach out to Tuxedo Cat’s father and he was supportive
    • I opened up to the point of tears, grateful that he couldn’t see me
      • the anxiety I felt was overwhelming and honestly it has more to do with our relationship than anything else
        • the pattern has been I send him a link to a song or something reflecting how I feel and he pulls away hard the same day
    • he feels it’s full on depression at this point and suggested I see the med clinic
      • I know he hasn’t seen my mood trackers and doesn’t know I’ve been inconsistent with my meds lately, and I need to get that back on track first before they make any changes
        • once again, this shows one of the many values in a mood tracker
    • apparently whatever is going on with his daughter is a minor concern
      • something the school brought up and now her mother has to make an appointment for to make them feel better
        • I have lost count how many times I’ve done this with my boys
          • I hate it when teachers try to play doctor, but you can’t blow it off either just in case
  • he comes over tonight, and he wants to play Phase 10
    • it was clear he wanted to hang with my brother and even though I thought I made it clear on messenger this morning I needed his emotional support, I roll with what he wanted to do because I rejected the walking thing the night before – so that’s on me for not coming out and saying it directly
      • he stayed pretty late and the entire time I had the impression he was planning to spend the night
        • he didn’t and things went south
          • it didn’t matter that the entire night I dropped hints I wanted his time and attention
            • he barely touched me the entire night
            • and when I say hint, I mean STRONG innuendo with no room to question where my mind was at
              • and he knew where my mind was at, because he said as much
          • he tells me he feels overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to handle my disorders
          • also tells me he’s afraid to say “the words
          • and he says that he doesn’t sleep well here and he’d rather be home in his own bed
            • this fucking crushed me after he told me earlier this week that he really liked sleeping next to me
              • like seriously, WTF?!
          • I told him I need someone to love and treat me the way I love and treat them
            • he got upset and said I make it sound like he treats me bad, and I told him I’m just stating my needs
            • I asked him if he’s ever been in a position where he’s loved someone and they didn’t love him back
              • he told me not in a relationship
              • so I said, “Okay but have you told someone you loved them and they said they didn’t?” and he was like yeah and I said imagine your relationship being that way and feeling like that every day
                • my 8 year marriage was like this and it’s wrecking me now – I can’t do this again and I’m watching it put him through so much strain
                  • it’s not good for either of us
                  • this shit will fucking kill me and I’m tired of feeling like I have to blame it on my disorders when actually, it’s destabilizing my disorders
                    • I’m better off shutting down and being alone than struggling with this
                    • I can’t believe that I shifted blame to possible perimenopause earlier today rather than simply stating that I am unhappy with the way things are to protect his ego
                      • why do I do this?
                      • why can’t I just speak my truth and leave it at that?
                        • my feelings matter
                        • I have value
                        • I matter as a person
        • and of course, he’s too tired to discuss any of it and insisted on going home, saying we would talk about it “later”
          • I feel invisible
          • I don’t feel understood at all
          • I certainly don’t feel loved
          • and I fucking resent being untouchable
            • I resent being female and having periods
            • I resent being treated like I’m gross or vile because of my biology
            • I hate my body

Saturday ~ March 23, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -2 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 9am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 11am
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 11am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 11am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6pm
  • 10mg Proprananol @ 6pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • biscuits and gravy

Today’s Feelings

  • sensitive and pensive this morning
  • ashamed, apprehensive, and slightly hopeful this afternoon
  • calm and tired

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s father reached out to me this morning, but I made the mistake of trying to continue last night’s conversation
    • he got pretty upset about it, but he promised me he would initiate it tonight an open-hearted and vulnerable discussion about why he feels overwhelmed with my disorders and why he’s afraid to say “those words” to me
      • he promised we would go somewhere private
      • he said he would be here around 6pm
      • I pray I don’t fuck shit up
      • I’m already a wreck and in tears and it’s only noon
        • the fight we had when he yelled at me about my Autistic traits is still fresh in my mind
          • I am afraid we will have a repeat of this and I don’t want that
          • I am afraid of being shamed or put down in any way for the disorders I have
  • I prayed about our chat this morning and two hours later I’m worried that I’m needy with toxic behaviors
  • he was half an hour later than expected and didn’t say anything new other than he didn’t understand why it bothered him to have these conversations and that he would try to make an effort to bring down his walls
    • I still feel stuck, but at least I’m not ditched – so I guess there’s that
      • but oddly, I feel a bit more stabilized since pretty much everything in this mood tracker got discussed

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