This week has been much better than last week. Really feeling the weight of the work for my blog though. I’m not behind on posts in terms of what is scheduled, but my brain keeps telling me that I am way behind and that there is so much to get done right now. In reality I just want to get ahead so that maybe I can start a new project.

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Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1

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Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally

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Sunday ~ March 24, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 6:30am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 600mg Ibuprofen @ 3pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee
• chicken Alfredo macaroni

Today’s Feelings

• calm
• disconnected

Notes

• chatted with Tuxedo Cat’s father online this morning about my need to get back on track with my routines in order to regain stability
  • I was nervous about that (largely due to programming from my past I think) but he was very supportive and encouraging
• new guided meditation:
  • full video with explanation here: https://youtu.be/sarP1Wo9LRU
  • guided mediation starts here: https://youtu.be/sarP1Wo9LRU?t=717
  • why I went to the trouble:
    • 5 Signs Your Third Eye Is Opening
    • back when I was 19, I started to experience these symptoms
      • I thought the light sensitivity was due to me starting to wear contacts
      • by the time I reached my mid-30’s the headaches had become full-on migraines
  • why does this matter if I believe my Third Eye has already opened?
    • 7 Signs You Have Blocked Chakras
      • this article also includes a guided meditation for clearing the blockages in all your chakras
        • turned out that this one was very helpful and centering
  • the biggest thing to keep in mind here with this is that it isn’t some mystical thing (although it certainly can be depending on your beliefs) but rather it’s more about awareness and perception of the self and the world around you
    • this is why it increases creativity and intuition
      • you can’t have either if you aren’t paying attention to yourself or to the world around you
      • and the deeper your awareness and perception becomes, the greater your creativity and intuition grows
        • this is also why this mattered to me because in many ways I feel like I’m stagnating
• Tuxedo Cat’s father surprised me by coming over early tonight at 4:30pm
  • he visited with Tuxedo Cat while I cooked dinner
    • Little Bear activated his strongest attention seeking behavior during this time
      • I did play video games with him while I cooked
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father and I cuddled and talked for a few hours before watching a couple of episodes of Designated Survivor
    • I know I forgot to document that we watched an episode of Gotham last night – but he’s been pushing hard to watch TV with me as of late
      • at least he has been making time to cuddle and chat with me
        • I don’t mind so long as it’s heartfelt and sincere
      • the only thing that sucked is that apparently I missed a fuck ton with the show due to falling asleep the last time I tried to watch this with him so I had a hard time keeping track of what was happening
  • he went home insanely early, 10:30pm, since he’s coming down with a head and chest cold

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Monday ~ March 25, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 600mg Ibuprofen @ 3:30pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• ? cups of coffee
• steak strips, mashed potatoes, applesauce

Today’s Feelings

• calm and uplifted
• dejected and resentful
• hopeful

Notes

• I woke up feeling good, but when Tuxedo Cat’s father cut me off while I was trying to talk with him online about something important to me, I just felt a serious disconnect and I’m tired of pulling this weight
  • was trying to tell him that I finally understood the reading for this month and what the guy meant by it would either end the relationship or take it to the next level and he cut me right off and said he had to go
    • he’s been doing this quite often – since the day before that fight
      • it doesn’t bother me if he says he’s at work or with friends, but it hurts when he says he too tired or something along those lines
        • it tells me that he doesn’t have time or interest in me
        • especially since he will stay and talk forever as long as it’s about whatever he wants to discuss, but the moment it switches to a topic of mine he has to go
  • I told him to stay home tonight and get some extra rest tonight since he was sick and I didn’t feel up to the pain of the disconnect
    • he told me it’s because he’s sick but things will be back to normal soon
      • the problem is, this disconnect has been the norm since October
        • I’m tired of apologizing for having needs
        • I’m tired of apologizing for needing to be loved
        • I’m tired of feeling guilty for all of this
        • I’m becoming aware that what I’ve been calling a disconnect between us is really a cognitive dissonance within myself and what I’ve been fearing is that I will emotionally disconnect
          • but do I really want to be connected to pain like this?
  • by this afternoon, I regretted all and told him he was welcome to come over if he still wanted to
    • I also told him I needed intimate time with him
      • I didn’t exactly mean sex, but this is what he took it as
      • I had meant openness, vulnerability, closeness, and meaningful conversation
• the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father started out a bit bumpy but smoothed out and we had a very lovely evening together

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Tuesday ~ March 26, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• ? cups of coffee
• foot long sub
• loaded leftover mashed potatoes

Today’s Feelings

• content

Notes

• surprised that FF7 for the Xbox One isn’t a remake, but a port of the original, HOWEVER I’m seriously enjoying the trip down memory lane
• Therapy Tuesday
  • she feels it’s the situation with my relationship causing my instability and I need to focus more on meeting my own needs
    • any one other person isn’t capable of filling your cup entirely so you shouldn’t expect them to
    • AND I shouldn’t be blaming everything I’m going through on my disorders either

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Wednesday ~ March 27, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm, up at 1am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• refilled both vape wells @ 5pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

• 2 cups of coffee
• 12oz. bottle of black tea
• 2 mini pizzas

Today’s Feelings

• content

Notes

• Little Bear’s OT
• feels like all I did today is run errands
• had to buy new vape wells today since they had both broken in different ways
  • one cracked open and the other was glowing red and over heating
  • also purchased a different tobacco flavored liquid since the creamy tobacco one I had is now used up
    • this one is actually similar to the Njoy disposable e-cigarette brand in flavor, but comes in a dropper bottle so I’m glad I kept the bottle for creamy tobacco
      • I added a little bit of the mint to it since this one is a 50mg nicotine liquid – partly to cut it, and partly to smooth it out a bit
        • the well is still filled with the straight tobacco liquid, so I don’t know how it turned out yet
• watched Fight Club for the first time with Tuxedo Cat’s father
  • was not the type of movie I was expecting at all
    • and this is not a complaint; the story is well written
    • and even then, the story didn’t quite go the direction I thought it was

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Thursday ~ March 28, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm night before, up at 6am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• recharging vape stick (tobacco) @ 8am
• refilled vape well (mint) @ 11am
• recharging vape stick (mint) @ 2:30pm

Meals

• 2 cups of coffee
• cheese and crackers

Today’s Feelings

• calm
• mildly disappointed
• happy

Notes

• Tuxedo Cat’s father and I had made plans last night that he would help me out with taking the boys to their music lessons tonight
  • it’s been a long time since he’s done that and it was such a help for me
    • I do so much running around all week, it’s draining
    • I admit, I resent to some extent seeing him drop everything for his daughter at a moments notice but leave me high and dry to manage things all on my own
      • is it because I take care of shit in silence and don’t make a scene over things?
        • I’ve been taught not to because it only brings punishment
        • but I’m learning that remaining silent leaves me with no help
  • anyhow, he called me this morning just before going to work to let me know his friend asked him to hang out with him at a comedy show as an early birthday present
    • he was asking me if it was okay
    • he was telling me that he would try to still be there to take the boys
    • he was telling me that he would be over here later tonight
    • he was stressing out over last minute plans
      • it’s not my place to tell him what to do and to stop being a people pleaser
        • even if it means to stop trying to please me all the time for the sake of his sanity
          • although maybe I should have this conversation with him
          • his soft boundaries are wrecking him and strengthening them would bolster our relationship
  • okay, so I told him it was fine
    • why?
      • because this is a birthday present first of all
      • secondly, given how I’ve been managing this on my own for so long it’s not a battle I wish to fight
      • and I’ve tried to switch days to make the lessons more convenient for him to go and it always ends up being a busy day for him
      • lastly, I appreciate the fact his friend decided to do this on a different day since Tuxedo Cat’s father mentioned last night they always do something together for his birthday when I asked him if there was something special he wanted to do
        • when he said that to me, I felt shut out because I was hoping to do something heartfelt and meaningful for him for the first time in years
      • I am also touched that he reached out to me about all this, so why punish him for doing so?
• worked on blog 1pm-3pm
  • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 14
• CD player in my car will no longer eject CDs so my Empty Head disk is now stuck in the damn thing
• music teacher had to push the lesson today back to 5:30pm due to some appointment and as a result, Tuxedo Cat’s father called me when I messaged him about it to tell me that yet again he’ll be unable to help me out with it
  • so now was the time I brought up my need for help due to overwhelm while stressing that I think it’s important that he gets to go out and do things with his friends
    • I also pointed out that I think this is part of the problem that I’m experiencing right now
      • I’m expected to do everything all by myself all the time and everyone just assumes that I’m fine when I’m not
        • no one is ever okay when they have too much on their plate
  • at least he promised me sexy time later tonight
    • our evening together was wonderful even though Little Bear kept waking up throughout the night

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Friday ~ March 29, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
Little Bear woke me up about 3 times, each time he was incoherent
napped 11am to 5pm – 6 hours total
woke up tired

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• 75mg Topamax @ 7am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
• 1 multivitamin @ 7am
• refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 5:30pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee
• 2 mini pizzas

Today’s Feelings

• calm

Notes

• Tuxedo Cat’s father thought I looked tired this morning even though I felt like I had slept okay
• we had the talk about him being a people pleaser this morning
  • I detected a touch of resentment towards his friend as he spoke about previous birthdays and behavioral trends
    • and yes, it does make you feel invisible when your needs, wants, and interests go ignored
      • he says this guy is generous but I didn’t get the chance to point out how throwing money at someone doesn’t hide nor fix this issue when the money is still being spent on what he wants
  • now to be clear here, I want him to keep his friend and stay friends with him
    • I don’t want to see him lose his friend
    • I want to see him less stressed and less resentful
    • this means he needs better boundaries and better communication
      • and that’s something he needs to do with everyone
      • and it’s something he needs to figure out on his own
  • all I did was point out that it’s not good to say yes to something if it means saying no to yourself
    • yes, I’m still working on this myself – big time
    • when you do this it creates resentment
      • it’s like getting a box of chocolates for yourself as a reward or gift, but then giving them all away without eating even one piece
• seriously not happy my headphones are no longer working properly
  • apparently Little Bear tripped over them somehow and banged them up pretty bad – so much static in them now and the right side has little sound in them
• tobacco/mint blend in the vape well isn’t bad, but even though I put only a little bit of the mint into the bottle the mint flavor is dominant – I may add more of the tobacco later as the bottle empties out
• worked on blog 10pm to 1am
  • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 15

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Saturday ~ March 30, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 8am – 5 hours total
woke up cold despite it being 76°F inside the house

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

• recharging vape stick (tobacco) @ 1am
• 75mg Topamax @ 8am
• 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
• 1 multivitamin @ 8am
• refilled vape stick (mint) @ 12:30pm
• recharging vape stick (mint) @ 2:30pm
• 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
• 10mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

• 3 cups of coffee
• chicken nuggets & fries

Today’s Feelings

• calm this morning
• stressed by afternoon

Notes

• worked on blog 1am to 3:30am
  • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 16
• I feel horribly behind on getting my blog posts scheduled for some reason
  • I feel like there is so much I want to get done, but I’m not getting it done
    • starting to wonder about the wisdom in launching the daily draw series
      • I feel like I don’t have time to write up anything else for the blog anymore
        • there has got to be a better way to get these done
• worked on blog 9am to 10am and 2pm to 4:30pm
  • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 17 and 18
    • this takes care all of April
• Little Bear has had a really rough day today
  • bad enough that I had to give him his PRN at 12:30pm
    • first time in a long time

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