Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-16

It’s been a rough week filled with insecurity. No idea what triggered it this time around, or what I could have done better to handle it. I just know I’m tired of feeling like a wreck for no apparent reason.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 04/15/19 (25 days)

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ April 14, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0h ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 5:30am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • refilled both vape wells @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • veggies and cheese and crackers

Today’s Feelings

  • calm
  • mild sensory overload

Notes

  • both vape wells are burning the vape liquid now as of yesterday
    • not sure why, maybe I’m over filling them and screwing up the heating coils?
  • worked on blog 6am to 4pm
    • started drafting plans for new pillar content centering around self care and what the Daily Draw should have been
    • all tentative for now
  • went to my brother’s stepdaughter’s birthday party
    • really wish my sister-in-law wouldn’t fucking ALWAYS schedule her birthday party on the same weekend as my son’s since everyone is burnt out
      • her birthday isn’t until later this week for fuck’s sake
        • but Easter is next weekend…

Monday ~ April 15, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at I don’t know… I had trouble falling asleep, up at 6am – ? total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • macaroni salad

Today’s Feelings

  • not sure this morning
  • productive
  • mildly disappointed

Notes

  • feeling like a firestorm is coming on for my brain
    • hard to explain, but this is way bigger than a caffeine high
      • think NaNoWriMo level big type of stuff
  • worked on blog 7am to 4pm
    • the pillar content I mentioned yesterday
      • graphics, cross linking, etc.
  • I’m seriously not happy that my ex-husband made a point for some reason to tell Little Bear that Scholar Owl doesn’t want my ex-husband at Scholar Owl’s graduation
    • I’m not sure if this was his excuse for not being able to visit in June when I have in messenger him telling me December that he wasn’t going to have the money to visit at that time because his new wife is due to have her baby by then AND he called last week wanting to make arrangements to visit in May for a weekend that the boys have school… like what the hell?
    • needless to say Little Bear attacked Scholar Owl over it when he got off the phone, but Scholar Owl avoided the entire mess
    • called his ass to clarify the mess and got a line of bullshit…
      • basically: he had made plans to be at the graduation before he even knew when the date is (we still don’t know) despite the fact that he said he couldn’t be up here in June due to the baby coming and told Little Bear that he would be here for that so when Scholar Owl said don’t come, my ex-husband told Little Bear that’s why he wasn’t coming but said not to blame Scholar Owl, which of course Little Bear did
        • god forbid he just tell him, “Sorry I can’t come because the doctor says the baby is supposed to be born at that time.”
  • spent the evening with Tuxedo Cat’s father
    • only Little Bear wanted to play Uno or watch Naruto with us
    • was looking forward to an intimate night after the boys fell asleep, but started spotting and ended up struggling with strong feelings of being icky and undesirable
      • also not entirely comfortable with my current understanding of how consent works either if I’m being completely honest
        • okay yeah, I get how if it’s not a “Hell yeah!” response you should treat it like a “Hell no!” but… I’m getting really disenchanted with being the one who must always initiate
          • I’m seeing everywhere online this advice for women and it’s getting old – it worked well for me in my younger years, it did and I was happy with that, but now?
            • I need a man to let me know I’m attractive and desired wanted by reaching for me with excitement
              • right now I fear I could walk into the room naked and get either an excuse or be asked to perform
                • my confidence is that weak right now
            • honestly I don’t know if this is a consent issue or not, but I feel like I’m begging for sex more often than not and it sucks because it makes me feel predatory
              • and I’m also reaching a point where I don’t want to try anymore

Tuesday ~ April 16, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: ?, up at 6am – I don’t think I slept much at all

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 16oz. Gatorade
  • chicken tacquitos and steak & cheese chimichanga

Today’s Feelings

  • restless and unfocused
  • the plague

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
  • went to the vape shop near the hospital only to find out they were out of wells
    • the lady put in a pick order for the Veppo product for the manger to check out
    • the guy explained to me the wells have an expected lifespan of two weeks and the reason the coils are now overheating is because the wicks are burnt out of them
  • Little Bear had a TERRIBLE day today
    • he pounded the piss out of me as a result
    • never wanted to be loved on as much as I do today
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over to visit and spent a lot of time on his phone
    • he ate dinner and thereafter basically struggled to stay away
    • brushed me off when I verbally stated my need to be loved on
      • basically said he would be totally down for that when I was no longer on my period…
        • I’m beyond crushed by the 180 in his attitude
      • after letting me know he has plans with his friend tomorrow and that he will have his daughter Thursday to Sunday and then thanks to Game of Thrones, I won’t be seeing him until Monday… he went home early
        • I officially feel like the plague
        • I feel like I’m being punished for last night
        • I feel like I’m not any kind of priority
        • I can empathized with Little Bear at this point
          • I don’t want a fucking vibrator, I need someone to love on me and shower me with attention
      • and of course he promised to talk to me tomorrow and of course I imagine that he will fully expect me to be available when he gets around to reaching out to me
        • fuck it… I’m going to bed, getting up in the morning, and working the fuck out of my blog
          • fuck this – I’m not babysitting messenger tomorrow
            • I refuse the programming I’ve been given
        • and of course I end up not being able to sleep and end up messaging him about my feelings – fuck
          • and of course, I get no reply

Wednesday ~ April 17, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 8am – 6.5 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11:45pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 bowl of macaroni salad

Today’s Feelings

  • sad, but hopeful
  • comforted

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s father responded to my message this morning
    • it felt like a bit of a struggle to get understood
      • I ended up point blank expressing that I don’t special or significant and this is something I need from him
        • he tried to brush it off as it being the honeymoon phase being over
          • I came to realize that he has become very comfortable in our relationship
            • meaning a part of him somewhere feels like he doesn’t have to try anymore
            • so yeah, I fell apart, and told him I miss it terribly and all the things he used to do during that phase
              • I told him those things are what make me feel special, significant, set apart, and close to him
              • and then I told him I felt like he has become comfortable and sort of forgotten me
                • don’t let me be invisible
        • my entire life I was groomed and trained to perfectly anticipate and meet the needs of others, invisibly
          • the only praise I got was not getting bitched at
          • the only time I was noticed was when I fucked up
          • yeah I know, I read everywhere that you need to love yourself enough to not need that external praise, etc. but I don’t really know how to be anything other than this fucking robot
            • and as much as it hurts to admit it, I hate myself for it
            • I am trying to break free from it though
  • Little Bear ended up leaving OT early today due to having an episode
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father was kind enough to come visit me very late in the evening for about an hour
    • he made a point to ask me how I would feel if the roles were reversed
      • I reminded him that the last time we dated, they were
        • I did have sex with him when I wasn’t in the mood
          • the only thing I would do differently now that I didn’t do then is be clear and verbal about my sleep needs while trying to accommodate his needs
            • I know this wasn’t the answer he wanted, but he forgets how back then I was falling asleep in the middle of sex and getting upset about it
              • there were times I couldn’t remember if I was even awake before we started sex
                • I remember having a fight about this on the phone when he first contacted me after finding out I was pregnant
                  • and I appreciate how over the years he worked with me to mend that wound, not just in that moment
                  • even last night, he expressed how unaware he was
              • but the other factor in play, which I made sure to remind him, is my hypersexuality and how I find myself more often than not to be in the position of the one who is being denied – not the denier
                • it really, fucking sucks when you are in an exclusive relationship to be repeatedly denied
                • you’re single? no big deal, you have 100% freedom to move on and hit up on someone else – so who cares if any one person says no?
                • but the moment you become exclusive, YOU LOSE THIS FREEDOM and this ONE NEED is ENTIRELY DEPENDENT on the other person
                  • this needs be understood, appreciated, and valued by both partners
                  • this should never be taken for granted
                  • this should never be abused
                  • this should never be weaponized
              • so yeah, it’s exceptionally rare for me to tell my partner no to sex – even if I’m not in the mood
                • because this is the realm in which I typically live in and I don’t want my partner to feel this way if I can help it
                • when was the exception?
                  • yeah… when I was married and it reached the point that I no longer felt human and hated sex HIM so much to the point the idea of it became a crisis
                    • HE controlled all aspects of sex
                    • it was agony to know he was out there having it whenever he wanted it but at best I got it within a 2 week window twice a year and even then it was on HIS terms alone in a way I didn’t enjoy
    • birth control was brought up, because some of those stop periods
      • but he remembered years ago we had this conversation about why I can’t be on any hormone based birth control
        • aside from many triggering migraines for me, I also go blind in my right eye while on them – eventually it would become permanent and potentially cause a stroke or worse
      • so… for some reason he suggested a hysterectomy….
        • https://www.webmd.com/women/guide/hysterectomy#1
        • https://www.healthline.com/health/hysterectomy
        • https://www.healthline.com/health/sex-after-hysterectomy
          • he didn’t seem impressed that I wasn’t too keen on the idea
            • we’re talking about major surgery to remove a major organ from the body here – and taking on all the risks involved with that – just for the sake of not having periods?
            • not to mention all the social-political bullshit involved in getting said procedure done in this country
              • women’s reproductive rights in the United States is a dumpster fire of a topic regardless of which side you’re on
                • I’m pro-choice all the way if you must know
                  • you have the right to choose to have a baby
                    • you do not have the right to force me into sterilization just because I have a disorder
                      • and yes, that shit is STILL happening in this country
                  • you have the right to choose to not to have a baby
                    • you do not have the right to tell an 18 year old she can’t tie her tubes because she might get married to a man that wants kids
                      • maybe she doesn’t want to risk passing her disorder on?
                  • you have the right to have an abortion or not for medical reasons – FULL STOP
                  • you have the right to have access to a safe abortion procedure if this is what you believe is the best path for you to take in your life right now for whatever reason
                    • I fully believe that God counts the tears we cause others to shed and there will come a time that we will be held responsible for every tear we have caused to fall
                      • it is not my place to hinder the free agency of others
                      • I do not have any way of knowing if the choice you make today will cause more harm than good, but God does
                    • I would rather this choice be as safe as possible than for it to go back underground, made in fear and desperation, and implemented in dangerous ways
                      • I do not wish to compound the tears that fall
    • while I was comforted that he came over for an hour to visit me, experience has taught me to question whether he truly understood why I feel there is an imbalance between our needs getting met
      • before he left I told him I wouldn’t feel needy and in crisis if he met my needs as I brought them up, but instead he’s been brushing them off for one reason or another which leaves me feeling dismissed and invisible which in turn leaves me feeling stuck, trapped, and struggling
      • the way he talked last night made it sound like he doesn’t need me for any of his needs
        • hell, he wouldn’t even name any of the needs I fill
        • why is he with me then?
        • he makes it clear that he feels fulfilled and content with me, but I feel worthless, useless, and insignificant
          • I don’t matter
          • he has made it absolutely clear to me anyone could fill my slot and he would be perfectly fine
            • I am 100% disposable and replaceable
              • so I’m stuck here, once again, feeling like I’m chasing a god damn carrot like a fucking circus monkey feeding on crumbs
                • why am I doing this?

Thursday ~ April 18, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1:30am, up at 9am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds forgotten
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • cheese and sausage

Today’s Feelings

  • dejected, non-existent, toxic and unhealthy
  • exhausted by the end of the day and no way to define how I feel

Notes

  • no music lessons today due to school vacation
  • he barely wanted to talk to me this morning
  • unable to focus to save my life, completely wasted the morning away on nothing
  • sent him links to the research on hysterectomy
    • because it bothers me that he suggested it as a solution/compromise to our sex problem when my complaint is centered more around the fact that he doesn’t seem to want it more often than every other weekend
      • I’m lucky if I get to have sex once a week and it bothers the fuck out of me that I have to beg for it just for that to happen
        • I can feel a deep part of me giving up here
          • I’m tired of begging
          • I’m tired of feeling ignored
          • I’m tired of feeling invisible
          • I’m tired of feeling stuck
          • I’m tired of feeling trapped
          • I’m tired struggling
          • I’m tired of the mixed signals
        • yes, all relationships have seasons, but this is bullshit
          • this is how relationships die
    • when he finally saw the links, he fully understood my issue and supported why I not only hesitated on it but ultimately decided to never do it
      • yes, I considered it years ago before meeting Little Bear’s father when considering gender reassignment surgery
        • I ultimately chose not to, deciding that my identity is more than just a physical body
          • this isn’t to say I don’t still struggle with my body – I do
      • and conversation started to break down
        • I truly wish I had a way to express my needs, be understood, feel supported, and feel connected without making him feel inadequate or like some kind of failure
          • just because I have a need for any of this doesn’t make him any of that
          • and me bringing it up today was just me needing reassurance and connection, not an immediate solution
        • I feel like all I did was piss him off and Facebook hasn’t shown him on my messenger list since – as though he’s set himself to invisible
          • I wish I wasn’t so sensitive
  • even later on in the day, he didn’t really seem to have the interest or energy for me
    • I now feel like crawling into a hole
    • wasted my entire day chasing after his attention instead of anything productive or important, like working on my blog
      • completely non-functional day
      • seriously need to pull my shit together
      • I feel like such a useless child right now – it’s stupid

Friday ~ April 19, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • woke up calm
  • isolated by afternoon
  • agitated and restless by evening

Notes

  • worked on blog 6am to 9:30am
    • posted Chaos Rally #16 (late)
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father seemed receptive this morning when I said I’ve been in need of attention for quite some time and that I’m not getting it from anyone else here at home
    • children really aren’t capable of providing that, nor should they be expected to
    • and my parents… well, they have always sucked in this department
      • a fucking crap shot to be honest
        • you might get ignored, you might get punished, you might get the jackpot – who the fuck knows? care to spin the wheel?
          • I’ll pass, thanks though
    • nope, never mind… briefly spoken to in the afternoon and that was it
      • I need a bigger social circle so I have more people to talk to other than my children all day
        • AND without having someone up my fucking ass about something all day
        • is it really too much to ask to have meaningful, intelligent conversation with someone? anyone?
  • I did go Easter shopping at least and then spent the rest of the day wasting away on Minecraft
    • fuck it
  • and the best part of this week? the ex-husband called three times this week instead of his typical one, so counting my phone call to straighten out the bullshit between the boys I had to speak to him a total of four times this week
    • just pile that stress on thanks, I can use some more of it sure
      • situation normal, everything is fine
        • just squick my face right in the damn eyeball already
          • let the world burn
  • also really pissed off that my computer randomly shut off twice this week and I haven’t figured out why

Saturday ~ April 20, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6:30am – 5.5 total hours
Napped 2pm to 5pm – 3 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • thought I took AM meds, but med box shows I didn’t
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 1 cups coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • uneasy and unfocused upon waking this morning
  • content

Notes

  • worked on blog from 8am to 11am
    • scheduled Chaos Rally post for week 17
  • listened to Dad rant about the “good old days” of child disciplining kids first thing in morning
    • supposedly being able to “blister a kid’s ass” will cure all our ails right now
      • I firmly disagree with him… I am a product of that mindset
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father rose to the occasion this morning
    • felt honestly paid attention to this morning
      • no idea why this morning felt different from the rest of this week, but I didn’t feel like I was beating down his door so to speak
        • I felt heard and seen
        • I also realized there is a little girl inside that longs to be safe enough to be girly, to be the princess, to enjoy romance and all things fluffy
          • it’s my hope that he can make me safe enough for that
  • Little Bear woke up in a rough mood
    • right off the bat he was yelling at the game
  • worked on pillar content 1pm to 1:30pm before Little Bear interrupted and needed my time and attention
  • brother and his kids were here until midnight, so I wasn’t able to prep Easter before bed, awesome

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