Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-17

Took me most of the week to realize that the root of my problem is that I have been in need of respite care and that I’ve been neglecting it. This is such a critical point of self-care when you are taking care of others. This becomes vital when you personally have a chronic illness, disability, or special needs as well.

The first challenge for me is accepting this need without guilt since the people I take care of are my children. The second need is recognizing when I need it since, thanks to my collective disorders, I don’t always have complete logical thought processes.

Looking over my mood tracker not just this week, but last week as well, I see that my focus was entirely on trying to fill my emotional cup. Which is fine, but I couldn’t see the forest for the trees so to speak. I was so fixated on one trusted person to fill this cup – much like a child would actually. This isn’t really functional behavior if I’m being honest with myself.

What I’m trying to say here is at the time it made complete and total sense to me. And to be completely honest, it still does. However, I’m now able to see at the end of this week that there could have been other alternatives available to me.

Maybe I should have summoned the courage to reach out to an old friend that I haven’t seen in awhile and asked them to hang out with me.

My only concern with that is my local friends are male and I’m also struggling with hypersexuality right now in addition to this sense of emptiness. This combination of symptoms leaves me feeling especially vulnerable to all sorts of shit.

I don’t like that feeling of risk so I end up feeling stuck. It triggers a weird mix of panic and resentment. I don’t know how to get around that and the dysfunctional behavior I’ve been in without triggering different problems.

I don’t want to be like my mother. I don’t want to be like my ex-husband. But I don’t want to be like the way I have been either. Why won’t my brain let me have a middle ground?

Being hypersexual and craving sex non-stop 24/7 is not fun. I want it more than I want a damn cigarette right now. And no, emotionally I don’t want to be in an open relationship. I need the emotional security and stability. I need that safety. I need to feel like I am “The One And Only” in someone’s heart. I can’t give that to more than one person. Logically, I understand how it works but emotionally I can’t do it.

Biologically… my body is screaming and on fire right now. There is nothing to stop it until it runs its course. I’m in hell.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: 160lbs. on 4/22/19

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ April 21, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • Easter dinner – ham, mashed potatoes, squash, black olives, and homemade bread

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • prepped Easter first thing this morning
  • and of course after the egg hunt, Dad had to fish for information about where Tuxedo Cat’s father has been lately
    • first off why is this his business?
    • and secondly why did he ask like something happened between us?
      • he doesn’t stop by for 3 days (and one of the days he stopped by it was very brief) and my father automatically suggests something bad is going on between us?
        • this is along the same vein when we first started seeing each other: after two weeks he automatically suggested we were officially an item when we weren’t at that time
        • the only thing “bad” happening here is my mental/emotional state and my inability to properly convey it, not our relationship
          • Tuxedo Cat’s father is making an effort to understand me and what’s going on with me, which is way more than I can say for anyone else I’ve ever been with
            • words alone fail to convey just how much I appreciate and value this, even when I’m a wreck
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over for Easter dinner after spending the morning with his daughter
    • afterwards he went over to a friend’s to watch Game of Thrones, but he came back over to spend the night with me
      • I felt like we connected sexually this time around and I really wish I knew what makes the difference here
        • like what happened earlier in the day in order for the connection to be possible?
          • we were both able to relax and have fun together in that moment

Monday ~ April 22, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed after midnight, up at 6am – ? total hours
napped 2-4:30pm – 2.5 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled both vape wells @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • reheated Chicken Alfredo, peaches

Today’s Feelings

  • happy this AM
  • stressed this afternoon
  • happy this evening

Notes

  • worked on blog 6:30am to 9am
    • worked on Chaos Rally #18 post
  • my med clinic appointment
    • saw a substitute doctor for appointment today and she tried to tell me that I’m due for an annual but I don’t need blood work done, that supposedly that’s only needed if you are taking an anti-psychotic
      • COMPLETE BULLSHIT
        • I started listing off the anti-convulsant meds that require bloodwork and she cut me off, saying “But not Topamax.” When I know it’s on the list because what it can do to the kidneys and how it can leech calcium out of your system – fuck you lady
  • Special Olympics practice this afternoon
  • researched protein diets for bodybuilding – for Tuxedo Cat’s father, not for me
    • turns out part of the reason he feels like he’s starving is that with his workout schedule of 6 days a week, he should be eating close to 3k calories a day
      • not just that, it needs to be high protein and closer to mostly plant based to keep him feeling fuller longer
        • 30% Protein
        • 50% Carb
        • 20% Fat
      • by all rights, all of us should be eating more of a plant based diet – we seem to do better mood wise when we do
      • me? as sedentary as I am, with my height and weight, my BMR requirement is 1728 calories per day
        • BMR = base metabolic rate
          • this is how much you need/burn doing NOTHING
          • so this is how much you need to eat to stay the same weight
            • to change your weight at a healthy rate, add/subtract 500
              • so 1200 for me to lose weight, and 2200 for me to gain weight
              • but really at this point I should just focus on eating better, increasing my activity, and not worry about my weight at all
      • BMR Calculator
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over and after dinner took it upon himself to fix the futon/bed thing that Little Bear broke forever ago
    • not only did we have to go buy a new bolt for it, but he tightened up the frame all the way around
    • my father has become increasingly unpleasant to be around downstairs and it sucked not having a place to sit upstairs in my space
      • there are two TVs downstairs and not sure why but lately it’s been a problem if we use one of them
        • and the pissy part about this is that he won’t come right out and say anything directly, instead he pulls his misery act around you
      • hell, he’s become increasingly unpleasant if Little Bear and I in particular are downstairs for any length of time
        • the other two boys have already gotten in the habit of avoiding him and everyone else like the plague unless they have to be down there

Tuesday ~ April 23, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up at 5:30am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 6am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 1:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • cinnamon cake
  • Shepherd’s Pie, salad, diced mangoes

Today’s Feelings

  • content in AM
  • happy in PM

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father spent the night
    • sex incredibly good

Wednesday ~ April 24, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -0.5MH ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
napped 7-8:30am – 1.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 1 cups of coffee
  • 1 cups Gatorade
  • 2 pkg. instant oatmeal with 2 slices buttered oat grain toast
  • leftover Chicken Alfredo

Today’s Feelings

  • content, but worn out

Notes

  • woke up feeling like I wasn’t ready to get out of bed this morning
    • just one of those mornings I wish I could stay in bed, but then who gets the boys ready for school?
    • I did end up crawling back into bed with Tuxedo Cat’s father and dozing off after Tuxedo Cat got on the bus
  • got non-committal answer as whether Tuxedo Cat’s father will be coming back over tonight – he has plans to work on his car today
  • Little Bear did not want to get up and get going this morning
  • Little Bear’s OT
  • Tuxedo Cat’s Special Olymipc’s Practice
  • got a foreberance on the college loan so I have more time to get the paperwork for the economic hardship deferment done
  • Army’s insurance called to inform me that they will not be covering the weighted blanket because it’s not considered a durable medical device
    • they did say they will put in a referral for a community case manager so that the paperwork for Little Bear’s SSI can get started
  • seriously wishing I had someone to help me out with all of these appointments and paperwork
    • respite care would be SERIOUSLY nice too
    • so fucking tired of running on empty all the time
    • so fucking tired of having zero friends and no social circle with no one to turn to for help
    • I’m burning out the one person I have for support
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father did not come over tonight
    • the disappointment I felt and following anxiety attack stung
    • I hate myself for chaining myself to the desk, waiting for a message on the hope that he would be coming over
      • told him that from now on if he can’t make concrete plans with me that I will make other plans because I can’t keep doing this to myself
      • I’m tired of feeling like a back up plan
        • and the part that sucks the most in all of this is knowing that I’m doing it to myself here
    • I ended up logging out because I was so damn empty that I knew that if I didn’t that I was going to keep bugging him even though I knew he was too tired to fill my cup
      • so I’m going to bed completely empty tonight, and probably wake up empty, and wait all damn day to see him – running on empty all damn day – and maybe get crumbs by the time I do
        • fuck my life
        • fuck the non-custodial parent life too
        • fuck everything
        • yes, I’m bitter and fuck anyone that thinks I shouldn’t be
          • I’m tired of doing this shit completely solo all the time
            • this is not what I had in mind when I dreamed of having children
            • not what I had in mind when I got pregnant
            • and sure as fuck not what I signed up for when I got married
            • but this is what has been thrown at me for 18 years
              • I’m entitled to be pissed off about it once in awhile
              • I’m entitled to cry about it once in awhile
              • I’m entitled to mourn not having the partner and help that was supposed to come with all this
                • my entire life I had been spoon fed this idea that the father was to be at the mother’s side as the leader and help take care of the children
                  • that never happened for me – I’ve been flying blind and solo this entire time
                    • where the fuck is the guy that steps up to the plate in this?
                    • am I really that terrible of a person?
                    • to ask if my children are that bad is really just asking if I suck as a mother, so yeah…
                      • but if I had more help, things would be easier, and maybe I wouldn’t suck so bad
                        • I sure as hell wouldn’t be running on empty all the time like I am now
              • I resent this, big time
                • I get stuck with ALL the fucking work and heart ache of raising these boys while their fathers are out there enjoying the freedom to hang out with their pals, to chill whenever, and do whatever in their free time whenever the fuck they want
                  • having their sons robbed me of all that
                    • I’m not given one ounce of appreciation or consideration in this regard from any of them
                    • not one of them stops to think, “Hey she lost all of this because of me – because she had my son.”
                    • they just continue to enjoy their precious freedom without any thought that maybe I need it too
                      • because, you know I’m human
                    • I’m just expected to deal with it as a fact of life
                      • this is the price I paid for the act of two people, not just one
                        • the cost of my freedom for the rest of my life
                          • and I’m expected to take it with a smile
                            • fuck you
                • I’m tired and lonely
                  • god forbid I need someone to hold me at the end of every day
                  • you try doing this on your own each day
                    • see how well your morale stays up
                    • see how full your cups stays
                    • see how you feel by the end of the day each day
                      • how isolated
                      • how judged
                      • how empty
                  • fuck the world

Thursday ~ April 25, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night before, up at 6am – 7.5 total hours

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8:30am
  • refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 9am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 4:20pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • leftover shepherd’s pie

Today’s Feelings

  • isolated, crestfallen, left out, defeated, overwhelmed, and empty

Notes

  • doesn’t look like Tuxedo Cat’s father will be able to make it to Tuxedo Cat’s regionals for Special Olympics again this year due to conflicts in scheduling
  • last week (or earlier this week?) Tuxedo Cat’s father made plans to see Avenger’s End Game with his friends tonight and asked if I wanted to go
    • I can’t because it’s music lessons tonight and they will be going at that time and this was after I was pretty sure he was taking the boys
      • so not only will I not be able to go, but it also means that yet again I get no help with this
        • he used to help by taking the boys to music lessons – and it was a HUGE thing help too – but then suddenly stopped with nothing but repeated apologies and excuses
          • doesn’t matter how often I say how much I need the help either, or how much I appreciate it, he’s not there for me in this anymore
            • I feel frustrated and hurt
              • because I see how often he steps up to the plate for his daughter at the drop of a dime
                • why is she so special, but not his son?
                • he has commented that his son doesn’t seem to want to do anything with him
                  • no, his son doesn’t talk much but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him and it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t make the effort to bond with him
                    • Tuxedo Cat will do things with you, but you have to take the time to get to know him and understand him and the things he likes
                      • you need to be truly present and attend to him in order for bonding to occur
                        • the moment you whip out your phone to do your thing without him is the moment he shuts you out and starts doing his thing
      • I tried to tell him how I feel this morning and he accused me of being negative and bitter and tries to tell me it’s not that bad
        • this is not supportive
        • this is not helpful
        • this is pulling the rug out from under someone and watching them drown
          • I feel abandoned, lonely, and betrayed
            • I’m really starting to worry about this relationship
        • he was also stuck on how he can’t do it every week
          • I know that, but don’t tell me yes and then cancel on me
            • not only is that untrustworthy, that cuts to the bone
            • especially when you changed plans in favor of doing something fun instead of being the responsible parent but complain to me you don’t have the same bond with your son as you do with your daughter
              • you bond with your child by doing the parent things
                • and no, that’s not always fun and exciting
          • don’t give me a maybe every week – give me a concrete answer
            • I can work with a clear no
            • I can work with a clear yes
      • and the thing that kills me the most in all this is knowing that it wouldn’t have mattered if the lesson had been cancelled today since the tickets for the movie has been sold out for awhile now
        • so how am I supposed to go anyway?
    • and he was too tired to come over last night and doesn’t understand why any this is painful and draining
      • am I emotionally investing in the wrong person again?
      • why can’t I be understood?
      • what the fuck am I doing wrong?
      • is wanting to be held every night seriously needing too much?
        • if so then I really do have the wrong man in my life
    • and seriously why did I mention to him that in the future I want a stable family life for my boys?
      • he automatically jumped to marriage and freaked right the fuck out
        • I’m 100% not ready for that and I don’t even now if he’s the guy for the job – I just want to know if I’m wasting my time here
          • if he’s not interested in ever having the family life, then I need to be looking for someone who is
            • if our long-term goals and dreams are not aligned then we are not meant for each other
              • I am not going to ask him to throw his away
              • I am tired of throwing mine away for someone else
              • I have learned the hard way that no relationship is worth losing a dream for
                • just because I’m asking about his dreams and telling him mine doesn’t mean they need to be filled right now
      • anyway, filled with regret now about this one since I’m not even sure what triggered the topic other than all I wanted was a better sense of security in the relationship and whether or not I’m wasting my time
        • of course he says I’m not wasting my time even though he’s freaking out about this idea of marriage that I don’t even want right now
          • but for real, why emotionally invest in someone that doesn’t even remotely have similar life dreams as you?
            • what happens if things get too serious and now someone has to give up a dream in order to stay together?
              • not to mention there are children involved in our case who are also emotionally investing already
                • so yes, I think the topic of life dreams at this point is relevant and not too fast and nothing at all to do with marriage
  • and I know this is stupid as hell to give two shits about, but I’m heartbroken to discover this morning that my Avengers coffee mug is chipped
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father came over to spend the night after the movie
    • we ate dinner together
    • we clarified the spare time and freedom thing
    • we clarified the life dreams thing
    • and yes, it seems I still have a greater/stronger commitment or investment in this relationship than he does
      • he asked me if we have made progress, and I said yes
        • but I don’t think that’s the problem – I think the problem is when my needs hit the crisis point and I get like this
        • I told him how I needed him last night and how I was willing to sacrifice everything just to be held, but I said nothing because he made it clear he wasn’t coming over because of how tired he was
          • he told me that wasn’t necessarily true and I told him I felt I couldn’t ask for it because he has so many times complained about my needs when he needs space
            • I don’t remember the last time I have cried so openly or been so emotionally naked in front of someone as I was in front of him last night
              • we did have sex – not the raw passionate kind, but the healing kind
              • a part of me deep inside says to expect him to pull away and not come over tomorrow in the name of personal space
                • he observed that I don’t seem to need space anymore
                  • that’s because I always seem to be running on empty and can’t find ways to fill my cup properly in a healthy way

Friday ~ April 26, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1H ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am – 4 hours total
napped 11am-1pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ ?pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 5 cups of coffee
  • penne vodka
  • choc/vanilla cannolli
  • carrot cake

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Tuxedo Cat’s father surprised me this morning by saying that he would be back tonight before he headed out
  • Little Bear had a rough day mood wise
    • just a rough time regulating himself on his own
  • came across this article and realized that Tuxedo Cat’s father’s need for space is no different than my need for respite care with the boys
    • once again I’m struck with the reality that I need to be taken care of
    • also struck with the surreal sense that comes with being both a caregiver and a patient
      • knowing that “space” is respite care puts a different perspective on Little Bear’s separation anxiety for me when I go anywhere
        • I need to be more sensitive about it and make sure not to spring it upon him after he goes into crisis
          • I now know from personal experience how distressing this is and how it feels like a punishment
            • and because of this, it creates a stress cycle where leaving is the trigger
    • I shared this insight with Tuxedo Cat’s father on messenger after he ranted about his job falling through today
      • we talked about how both needs/care and space/respite are important, and how they need to be balanced
        • the thing to note here is that with anything else in life is there is no fixed magic formula, this balance will flux around and this is why open, honest communication at all times is critical
      • he lamented not being able to take me out lately, since that is my respite and I need it
        • I didn’t have a lot of money since I pre-paid tickets to take us (me, him, and the boys) to see Avengers Endgame this coming Sunday but I said that if I could get Little Bear to calm down I was willing to take just him and me to dinner tonight, but I won’t if he remains in crisis mode
          • I appreciated the fact he completely understood why
  • Little Bear did finally settle down just before Tuxedo Cat’s father came over for the evening
    • Tuxedo Cat’s father said he was going to hang out with a friend for a bit first and then come – I didn’t think to ask if he did nor did I think to ask if it was to give me time to help my son regulate, I just made use of the time
      • Little Bear and I “talked” to Herbert the Frog and cuddled together
        • silliness ensued before long
          • still trying to figure out how pink farts come out of your nose and how that makes your brain leak out, but Herbert was mortified and not having it
    • we went out to dinner with the promise of bringing Little Bear back Lunchables (I don’t know why he wanted these, but he did)
      • and dinner was lovely
  • he was only in the mood for a movie and sleep after, which I was honestly good with so long as we watched something upbeat
    • I picked Kung Fu Hustle
      • I’ve seen parts of it before, but he has never seen it
      • Little Bear was frustrated with the foreign film and kept asking what was going on
        • he couldn’t read the subtitles
      • Tuxedo Cat’s father said he liked it

Saturday ~ April 27, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm, up at 7:30am – 9 hours total
Tuxedo Cat’s father says he didn’t sleep well
We suspect Little Bear stayed up all night

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 12:30pm
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 4:30pm (weird…)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 1 Irish Red Ale
  • popcorn
  • 2 slices of homemade pizza

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • I woke up seriously in the mood, but didn’t act upon it since I already know that Tuxedo Cat’s father (he really needs his own nickname) isn’t receptive to that in the mornings, especially if he’s sleeping, so I just fell back to sleep – honestly don’t know what time that was, just know I ended staying in the mood
    • I’m driving myself crazy at this point
  • and sure enough, he woke up ready to head out right away
    • the way he talked this morning, I don’t think he plans to come over after tonight’s events
      • he’s helping out with a friend’s gig and invited me to go – along with the after party
        • I’m going, even though I’m now kind of broke at this point
  • helped a friend work through his relationship troubles after listening to me vent about being hypersexual
    • as usual, and like everyone else, he didn’t understand what it’s like to have it but it was good to have someone to listen and be supportive
    • it was also nice to be able to help someone else work through their anxiety
      • I still don’t think it’s his fault for things not working out the way he had hoped – humans are complex creatures and make relationships way more complicated than they need to be
        • just look at me and any relationship I have ever been in
  • best news I’ve heard today: Tuxedo Cat’s father intends to come back over after the gig tonight!
  • the music was good – should not have had the beer
    • just ONE beer and I was suddenly having trouble with my equilibrium
      • bad enough that Tuxedo Cat’s father was worried and said I shouldn’t have any more
        • we had taken separate cars, but he drove me home
          • sex was good, but my hips seriously paid for it

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