Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-18

This week has mostly sucked. My mind feels like it has slipped into a very negative place and I’ve been stuck in these thought patterns I can’t seem to get out of. I need to do something seriously different here to pull myself out of it. I can’t stay like this.

I think what bothers me the most in all this is I’m constantly told that the problem is me but supposedly they like the things I do and the way I treat them. It’s my attitude and my tone… if I could just change that everything would be fine, right? And here lies my issue.

Attitude and tone are both reflections of the world around you. Neither are generated from nothing. They come about in response to the life you are experiencing. People say you can choose how you respond to the world around you, but I’m coming to realize is what they really mean is to alter your internal experience.

If my attitude and tone is a result from my feeling of being used and taken for granted and an overall sense of inequality then maybe I need to pull the fuck back and stop giving so much. If I’m tired of people treating my needs like it’s too much to fill, then why do I continue to trust them to meet them? As long as my experience continues to be this, my attitude and tone will never change because the emotional injury will keep happening.

And I’m tired of people telling me that this isn’t my experience. I think this more than anything else hurts the most.

And I hate, more than anything, feeling this way. It’s a poisonous feeling. To lock myself up and say, “Fuck it,” and walk away from the world. There is no joy in this.

I need balance. I’m tired of the endless outstretched hands and empty cups to fill that are always my responsibility to attend to but god forbid if I outstretch my hand or have an empty cup. I have only so much to give before I begin to bleed.

Fuck all the people for getting angry at me whenever I freak out over the bleeding.

I can’t bleed with a smile. I refuse to apologize for this. Something needs to change.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ April 28, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1h

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 8:30am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 10am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 10am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 10am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • filled new vape well (tobacco) @ 8:30pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of Gatorade
  • 2 cups of coffee
  • giant Dr. Pepper
  • popcorn
  • 1 sm. pkg. Twizzlers
  • leftover shepherd’s pie with cheese, salad, diced mangoes

Today’s Feelings

  • old – lol – this AM
  • happy this PM

Notes

  • did not want to get out of bed this morning
    • spine and hips feel stiff, twisted, and wrenched
      • I don’t recall doing anything unusual in terms of positions, so it must have been just more rigorous than what we have been doing
        • I didn’t feel any pain at the time, but I feel it now
        • not getting into more details – hoping that down the road I’ll remember what this is referring to if I need to look back on it
          • I will say that a part of me fears that I have gotten boring in bed now that I’m older
  • the boys are really excited to see the Avengers: Endgame movie today
    • disappointed that Little Bear kept asking questions throughout the movie and I felt sure we were going to be asked to leave, but we weren’t
    • in lecturing Little Bear on the way to the car about his behavior, Scholar Owl applied it to his talking (which he did do, but every time I gave him “the look” he quieted down) and said maybe he shouldn’t go anymore
      • not my intention when I was giving my lecture, Scholar Owl wasn’t bouncing in his seat, talking non-stop
    • I THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS GREAT IF YOU MUST KNOW
      • if you haven’t seen it yet and have watched the others, I recommend it
  • Tuxedo Cat’s father now has the new nickname: Iron Knight
    • he knows why I came up with it, knows where it’s coming from, and likes it
      • I’m really pleased as punch that he seems tickled with it
        • you have no idea
  • Iron Knight didn’t spend the night tonight, since it’s Game of Thrones night
    • he did make a point to cuddle and take a nap with me before dinner after we got home from the movie
      • I greatly appreciate the amount of time and care he has spent on me the last few days
        • I didn’t feel any panic or emptiness when saying good night to him tonight
          • the best part? my brother offered to watch the new One Punch episodes in Japanese with me tonight since nobody else will
            • while my brother and I hung out, Dad tried to make a point about how nice it is for a couple to have the same friends to hang out together with after he heard that Iron Knight had other plans for the evening and wasn’t coming back and I flat out disagreed saying that it’s important to have your own friends too so you can have your space when you need it
              • what I didn’t get into is the part of how this is what destroyed me in my marriage (because I am certain Dad already knows since I mentioned my complete lack of social circle) and I didn’t get into how his attitude of how a couple should only have shared friends is what ruined their relationship
                • I know Mom feels like she has NO SPACE, like at all, ever
              • yes, I know who Iron Knight’s friends are but I don’t need to hang out with them every time he goes to hang out with them all the time
                • and quite honestly, it was nice to chill with just my brother
                  • okay, it was my brother and our kids roaming around and invading but that has become our norm these days
                    • was still nice to get that time with him since we don’t do it often
              • getting tired of my father trying to define my relationships or setting the rules for them
                • that is not his place to do that – at all

Monday ~ April 29, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm, up at 6:30am – 8.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 11:30am (mixed another blend of tobacco/mint fluid)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • handful of Starburst candy
  • spaghetti with meat sauce and salad

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • I think it was last Friday that I came across these two articles and I had meant to bookmark and share them earlier, but I forgot
    • How to Easy [sic] Overcome Avoidant Attachment Style in Your Relationship
      • I have the Disorganized Attachment style (aka Fearful-Avoidant) so this was interesting to me
        • this attachment style creates a push-pull dynamic in a relationship: if you get too close for too long, I panic and if you get too far for too long, I panic
        • so the trick for me is becoming aware of myself, opening up and communicating, and finding that comfort zone between the two
    • The 36 Questions That Lead to Love
      • the previous article linked to this one, and I read the questions along with another linked article that discussed how these questions came about
      • since intimacy is a choice, and intimacy builds upon love through action, this entire thing posed the question of how much of all this is truly a choice versus biology
        • ultimately love is both
        • it begins with attraction – which is hardwired through our biology
        • it continues with choice – which is supported through intimacy
      • forgive me for finding all of this fascinating
        • I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of human behavior
          • I always seem to find myself coming back to it eventually
  • I love getting a text from Iron Knight in the middle of the day that touches base with me, to ask me how I’m doing, lets me know how his day is going, how he hopes the rest of his day will go, and even plan dinner together
    • I don’t know why that means so much, but it does
      • he doesn’t have to do it, but he does
      • I don’t have to plan dinner around him, but I do
    • and for some reason, the day feels empty to me when we don’t have this one little exchange
      • it’s such a simple thing, really, but for some reason it means a lot
        • funny how the heart is like that
  • this video was helpful to watch today:
  • worked on blog 1pm-2pm
    • still working on Chaos Rally 18 reading
  • worked on laundry
  • really enjoyed Iron Knight’s company this evening
    • watched the final episode of Gotham
    • watched The Perfect Date
    • sex was great

Tuesday ~ April 30, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 6am, bed at 7am, up at 8am – 5 hours total
Little Bear did NOT sleep at all last night

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 3 cups of Gatorade
  • 3 eggs scrambled with onions and cheese, 2 slices buttered toast
  • leftover shepherd’s pie with cheese, canned peaches

Today’s Feelings

  • ultra stressed this morning
  • mellowed out by the time I came out of therapy

Notes

  • I was so grumpy this morning it was unreal – did NOT feel like myself at all
    • I don’t know why it set me completely off to find Tuxedo Cat sitting on his bed, waiting for me like he always is this morning to help him get his day started, but it totally did
      • usually I have to get his clothes, start his tub – all of it – and it just pissed me right off this morning
      • I asked him to get his clothes and he just sat there and groaned
      • so I got them, but he did at least turn the tub water on and fill the tub himself
    • he wakes himself up every morning on his own without an alarm clock but I don’t do this all for him, I’m lucky if he gets on the school bus all washed up and in clean clothes
      • seriously, I will get a phone call about it from the school because he is one of those kids that sweats like a damn horse in his sleep and reeks to high heaven if he doesn’t bathe in the morning
        • I have never met someone that rolls out of bed smelling that they have never bathed for weeks
          • my mother swears that all teen boys are like this
            • ALL TEEN BOYS
              • ALL
                • and I have two of them right now
                  • there isn’t enough air freshener or fabric deodorizer to save this room – ever
                    • why didn’t I ever notice this when my brothers were teens?
                      • why?
                        • is it because I have “Mom Immunity” now from the “Boys Only” ban with this room?
                          • I don’t get it
                            • this room is fucking gross
    • doesn’t help that I feel like my life is an organizational mess right now
      • showed Iron Knight my routine checklists that I haven’t been following and he told me that there isn’t anything wrong with having them
        • he also said he wished he had a cork board like I did and even got himself a paper calendar recently
      • showed him my online calendar too and realized how much of a mess it has become as of late too
      • I don’t know, I’m just feeling a lot of stress around this
        • honestly, I think I do this every time around this time of year and my therapist and I have talked about that
          • it’s that time of year I’m trying to juggle too damn much shit because the boys are involved in so many things
          • it’s just that this year I’m feeling it all year long because the boys have been involved in shit all year long
            • nothing has come in waves this year
  • pleased as punch to hear Iron Knight say he planned to be back tonight
    • after work and after he works on his brakes
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • talked about the value and importance of respite care
      • both for me AND Iron Knight
        • I need to see his need for space as respite care
          • I’m wondering if some of the way I feel about his need for space as of late is some kind of resentment towards my illness and need for care
            • like a part of me sees myself as my children because of it
            • like would he need space so much and so often if I wasn’t ill, disabled, and thus a burden?
              • I didn’t have time to get into this with my therapist
              • and no, this isn’t his fault – just as it isn’t my children’s fault for me needing respite
                • but I will say it certainly puts a different light on how my children respond to it for me
    • talked about homeschooling Little Bear – again
      • can I do it?
        • yes
      • should I do it?
        • I don’t know
          • here’s the thing: right now he’s stuck in a little classroom all by himself because he refuses to be safe with other students
            • he can’t even play safely on the playground with others
            • we’re talking HUGE meltdowns here involving serious, unsafe behavior
            • so…. why exactly are we sending him to public school for 2.5 hours a day this?
              • because both my dad and his father want it this way and they seem to think he gets social integration by going to a public school
                • but, what is the adult reality here?
                  • I was never diagnosed as a child, never went through special ed and now I’m an adult… what happened? I’m a social recluse now… the very thing my dad and his father wish to avoid in my son
                  • I have friends and cousins that were homeschooled who are active members of the community and have bigger social circles than I ever had (I don’t care if Dad thinks they are weird – he’s fucking weird if he stopped and thought about it)
                    • GOING TO PUBLIC SCHOOL DOESN’T PREVENT THIS
                    • BEING HOMESCHOOLED DOESN’T CREATE THIS
                  • what is my point? my sons and I have disorders that tend to lean towards the social awkwardness and solitude/isolation we see/fear and it’s through behavioral therapy and community integration that resolves this, not school choice
                    • there are many resources available to meet this need throughout the community
                      • family, friends, hospitals, churches, schools, various organizations, etc.
      • we also talked about Little Bear being a kinesthetic (tactile) learner and my biggest concern and hesitation to homeschooling him is teaching him to read
        • first off, I don’t know how to teach someone how to read
        • second off, how do you even teach a kinesthetic learner how to read?
          • I can think of all kinds of hands on projects for all sorts of other subjects and topics for this kid to do that wouldn’t even feel like learning and in less than 15 minutes I was listing them off to my therapist and how I would need to meet the regs and document it for the state – not even kidding
            • it was funny to see her smile and say she could see the gears in my head turning as I was trying to figure out how to make it happen
              • I don’t know why I feel this in my gut, but I do
      • but, it all boils down to stability for both of us – as she pointed out
        • if I were to homeschool Little Bear, would it keep him stable and happy?
          • would I be able to remain stable and maintain the energy required to feed that mind?
        • what about respite care?
          • homeschooling this high energy child means having him 24/7
            • it means flying solo and dealing with his special needs all day, every day while also managing my own special needs all day, every day
              • can I do this?
                • I don’t know
                  • but the idea of homeschooling this child won’t go away
                    • and what I appreciate and value so much in both my therapist and in Iron Knight is their support
                      • neither of them have said, “Don’t do this.”
                      • neither of them have said, “You can’t do this.”
                      • both have only asked me to look at the pros and cons
                      • both have stated they know I want what’s best for Little Bear
                        • their faith in me means so much
  • got a call from Little Bear’s school this afternoon
    • last few weeks all he’s done in class is sleep
      • not surprised given how since Daylight Savings his sleep at home is completely messed up
        • this is the bi-yearly curse for us and thus why keeping a strict sleep routine is so important
    • again, I find myself questioning the value of public school given the disorders we have
      • homeschooling would offer more flexibility in scheduling
    • I discussed with the principal how Little Bear is a kinesthetic learner and could benefit from more of that type of instruction
      • she was very open to this idea
      • also discussed how I would like to look into ways of bringing this type of learning into reading somehow
        • found some ideas in this blog post:
  • Little Bear fell asleep before 9pm tonight
  • Iron Knight decided not to spend the night tonight
    • starting to feel like this will be an ultra low sex week
      • it’s Princess Weekend this week

Wednesday ~ May 01, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0MH ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • peanut butter and raspberry jam on wheat
  • BBQ pork, potato salad, coleslaw, salad, and diced mangoes

Today’s Feelings

  • recycled this AM
  • content but tired by PM
  • disappointed late this evening

Notes

  • I woke up with the boys expecting me to hit the ground running today
    • everything had a sense of intense urgency to it this morning
      • everything had to be right the fuck now
      • everything had to be done by me
    • and as I’m trying to cope with that, Little Bear is climbing the ceiling with his energy
      • emotionally, I feel dead in the water – I cannot keep up with this
        • and this pisses me off
  • I feel like I should redo my routine checklists and actually follow them
  • Iron Knight contacted me this morning to wish me Good Morning and all I could do was rant – I feel like such a drag, let down, and killjoy this morning
  • worked on blog 7am to 10am
    • well, tried to focus on it
    • finished the Chaos Rally 18 post
      • feels like it took me FOREVER to get this one done for some reason
    • got started on scheduling the Daily Draw posts for May
      • week 19 done
      • started week 20
  • was happy to see Iron Knight show up tonight, until he cut me off about something I was talking about regarding my feelings
    • he said that wasn’t what he wanted to talked about, even though it was related to what he brought up
    • I felt seriously dismissed, disconnected, and wounded
      • yes, he apologized but this isn’t the first time it’s happened and it’s beginning to trouble me
        • what bothers me most is that we have nearly the same apology conversation afterwards every time it happens
          • what happened to his promise of him trying to be more open and vulnerable with me?
            • why was it okay for me to express all my insecurities, my regrets, my unworthiness, etc. in the beginning regarding the past of our relationship in an effort to mend his side of the bridge but god forbid I try to mend my side or try to understand his side of things of what happened
              • do I exist solely for his benefit?

Thursday ~ May 02, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0MH ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 9am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • chicken nuggets and fries

Today’s Feelings

  • deflated and worried that I’m toxic this morning
  • crying most of the day
  • just didn’t get much better by end of the day

Notes

  • as predicted, no sex last night
    • I don’t know why a part of me I honestly believed last week would become the new norm
    • the moment he asked to watch a movie even though Little Bear and my parents had gone to sleep early, was the moment I knew exactly how it was going to play out
      • same pattern every time
        • eat my food, park on couch to watch TV, sleep
          • and sure enough, about mid-way of the movie he started to complain about how tired he was and by the end he stated he just wanted sleep
      • and to add extra salt to the wound, is earlier he asked me for cookies in the grocery store in a similar fashion as the boys would and I responded with my, “Really?” which I guess he has come to associate with my “Mom response”
        • why did he find this so damn amusing?
        • am I the ONLY person that sees this as a red flag?
          • no, I don’t find it fucking funny – at all
          • looking through my old journals, I had often complained about feeling like a Glorified Mother while dating him
            • things were similar, if not worse, with my ex-husband
              • okay, so for the record, this signals to me that it’s something I’m doing/allowing/promoting on my end to perpetuate this kind of treatment
                • yes, I am seriously fucking concerned here
    • last night, before he fell asleep, he promised me “tomorrow”
      • I expressed disbelief and pointed out that he has returned to his old pattern
      • today is the last day of the week until he has his daughter until the 12th
        • I don’t think he is even aware of my issue at all
          • I’m not sure if he would understand if I tried to explain it
            • but I resent being “weaned off” from love and affection before he goes instead of trying to fill my cup
              • so he leaves me empty
                • does he enjoy this?
                • does he take pleasure in this?
                  • I’m seriously tired of begging, chasing carrots, and waiting for cake
                    • I feel like an incredibly well trained seal here
    • Iron Knight came in as I started to cry, since he woke up to a call on his cell, and saw the last few bullet points
      • he was upset, not that I wrote them but that I even thought this way
        • took awhile for him to understand how a mixed state episode along with PTSD would perceive his behavior as a red flag
          • took awhile for him to understand why his frustration with my sex drive triggered fear in me
      • now he’s claiming he wasn’t upset with me, just upset with what I wrote, but that isn’t what he said
        • he kept saying over and over that he isn’t going to want sex all the time
        • he said it bothered him that I fall apart whenever we don’t have sex
          • I fall apart from the rejection, yes – guilty as charged
          • YES, I do understand that he is tired right now
          • what I’m hearing is he feels that these two things cannot exist together
            • he acts like it must be one or the other
            • I am mourning that both are happening
              • to be honest, the last time we dated I had mourned my own tiredness and the need to reject him
                • but not once did I expect him to not be upset with it – I anticipated it
                  • I still handled it poorly back then
                    • you can’t repeatedly reject and break someone’s heart and ego like that and have it go well
                      • I lost him as a result
        • he also said that normal couples don’t want sex every day
          • this is perfectly within normal bounds
          • what is NOT normal and within the bounds of hypersexuality is the obsession of sex
            • having an orgasm and wanting sex again 5-10 minutes later
            • wanting sex multiple times a day – and not caring who the partner is
            • fantasizing about sex almost constantly through out the day
              • zero stimulus required
                • the brain supplies all you need, but porn can quickly become a crisis here
            • every dream you have as you sleep deals with sex
            • assessing whether or not every person you meet is fuckable
            • to study and learn about sex like it’s your mission in life
            • if hypersexuality is connected to Bipolar, and not PTSD, then it’s not uncommon to include the grandoisty “Aphrodite/Adonis” effect
              • “god’s gift to men/women” were sex is your ministry in life… seriously
                • it’s akin to a Jesus Complex, only centered around sex
              • hypersexuality looks different for PTSD
                • from what I understand, and I could be wrong, it’s more akin to a burning need to erase or overwrite something – usually sexual trauma – with the sexual behavior
                  • and I don’t know, maybe I have some of that now too
                    • a burning need to flood myself with good experiences and better feelings
                      • I know being hypersexual in of itself triggers a bunch of shit for me and that I’ve blogged about that in the past
            • for me my sense of smell goes through the roof and I become hyper aware of touch
              • I don’t know if this is a female thing or a sensory processing thing for me
              • I assume for many men that suffer this their sense of sight becomes extremely acute during this time
                • men’s sight is acute to begin with in general
              • I haven’t seen anyone else talk about sensory changes
            • my least favorite symptom of this is the constant ache in the pelvic area if I go without it for even part of the day
              • an orgasm alleviates it only for a couple of hours
                • men at least have the term “blue balls”
                • women don’t have a term to describe this that I know of, but it hurts
            • NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL and this list could go on actually
        • he also tried to say my hypersexuality wouldn’t last long and then my sex drive would end
          • so here’s the thing: no idea when it will end
            • could last a a few months or even years
              • it’s tied to the manic side of shit, so I don’t know
          • all of the above listed symptoms would end, yes but my normal sex drive would still exist
            • even at baseline my libido is still relatively high
            • it only plummets to non-existence during severe depression
          • in fact, by clinical definition, it needs to last at least 6 months to count towards a diagnosis
            • I still rail against the idea of it being an addiction when it’s a symptom of Bipolar since it disappears when the episode ends
              • if it was a true addiction, it would remain when the episode ended – like it does with drug or alcohol addiction
                • NOT saying that someone with Bipolar can’t have a sex addiction – I think they can
                  • just saying I don’t think hypersexuality and sex addiction are the same thing
        • I’m trying to figure out how any of this has anything to do with the bullet points asking if he enjoyed or took pleasure in weaning me off his love and affection?
          • and again, he focused solely on the sex here – and yes, so did I – but I pointed out that the pattern has been that when there is no sex, there is no affection either
            • and he gives me this line of, “Well, I don’t always feel affectionate.”
            • this comes out while discussing how I don’t like feeling I’m a glorified mother or some kind of sexual obligation
              • I shouldn’t have to beg for emotional connection in any form
              • and it’s getting really hard to stay open to someone who isn’t willing to be open back
              • a mother pours her all into her children, but they are not capable of pouring back into her
                • I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with that dynamic ever again
    • I told him if he filled me emotionally even when we weren’t having sex I wouldn’t be falling apart like this
      • he told me if this is what I needed, he would try to do more of it
        • and this is when I feel like my needs are a burden
          • why is it a crime to need affection?
            • to feel loved?
            • to feel celebrated?
            • to feel appreciated?
            • to feel acknowledged?
            • to feel validated?
            • to feel connected?
          • he has said many times since we got back together that he doesn’t have any needs for me to fill
            • this came back to haunt me this morning as he made this promise to me
              • why doesn’t he have any of the above needs?
              • what am I doing?
              • why am I here?
              • what purpose do I serve?
              • what am I even fighting for in this relationship?
    • also had to point out that just because I’m not begging for it doesn’t mean I don’t still need it
      • again, and I can’t stress this enough, no one should have to ever beg for love and affection
        • does it bother me that I only seem to get that love and affection through sex? yes, it does
          • even asking to cuddle seems to touch a pain point of some kind with him
            • I don’t know why
            • I asked for that Tuesday night because he said he wanted to sleep in his own bed, so I knew sex was out of the question but I still needed to feel loved
              • but his body language said it was an inconvenience
                • why am I such a chore for him?
  • I guess the hardest part to cope with is the understanding that I appear to still be in a honeymoon phase of some sort and he isn’t at all
  • I know he seemed upset with the idea that I was afraid to get my hopes up about tonight
    • he still doesn’t understand
      • I now feel like an obligation because he said he planned to make it happen no matter what because he knew he was going to be gone for a little over a week (9 days)
      • I fear that it won’t be a pleasant, fun, romantic, or loving experience
        • for either of us
        • I desperately need it to be
          • both of us need to be happy
      • both hope and fear can exist at the same time along with the awareness that what he wants from me is my trust
        • what he needs to understand is that trust is built from consistently pulling through and that it takes only once to fall through to make it crumble
  • do I have a problem? yes – not denying this
    • I just have no idea at all how to address it or resolve it
      • other than maybe hide under a rock and leave everyone alone
  • he’s already given me the heads up that due to work he might not be able to take the boys to their music lesson today
    • therefore, I’m planning as though he won’t be there for us
  • and no, I can’t get over how he told me normal people don’t want sex every day
    • I feel defective, dysfunctional, and ashamed
    • I feel like a bad person because of it
    • why was I made wrong?
      • why can’t I be good?
      • I know I’m the problem here
    • I’ve been crying off and on about it all day
    • I feel toxic, ungrateful, and needy
      • he even pointed out a while back how much foreplay I needed like it was a bad thing
        • “On average, it takes someone with a vulva 10-20 minutes to reach orgasm. People with penises reach orgasm after 7-14 minutes overall, but average two to three minutes after beginning intercourse. ”
          • read more about it here
            • I know it doesn’t take me 10 minutes from start to finish, never mind once intercourse begins 
              • someone is just impatient
  • I was cycling yesterday and I’m cycling harder today
    • I tried to explain what this felt like to Iron Knight while we were grocery shopping last night but I could tell this was lost on him
      • I guess I should have told him that I needed emotional support
        • now I feel like I don’t deserve it after this morning
  • he messaged me this afternoon – it was bumpy but we worked through it somehow
    • he promised he would be there for the boys’ music lesson
      • and he was
  • we had a fall out after dinner, when I tried to work things out between us
    • he called me argumentative and I told him I felt lectured
      • it was at this point he said that now I knew how he felt sometimes
        • I walked away to go upstairs, unable to tell him I felt he was being vindictive at that point
        • he followed me to give me a big speech about how sick and tired he was of how it’s an all day event for me with things like this
          • quite a few times he bitched about how he couldn’t be right
          • he repeatedly told me how exhausting it was
          • what really got me was when he said he felt he couldn’t be honest with me
            • I told him there’s a difference in being honest with tactfulness and being honest to cut
              • you can tell someone how you feel without hurting them or bringing them down
        • he also said that we could always come back to a topic another time and I pointed out that not once has he ever wanted to talk about something that I have brought back up again
          • it’s always, “I don’t want to talk about this again”
          • and things don’t ever get resolved by avoiding it
            • that’s how relationships rot
        • he expressed resentment over how nothing is done his way
          • avoiding a problem doesn’t solve the problem
            • my parents are proof of that
            • if you are making changes that take time, fine, TELL ME YOUR PLAN and keep me in the loop
              • do not leave me in the dark of uncertainty, wondering what the fuck is going on
                • I will follow a vision if I understand it, but I will not sit there and let someone bark orders at me – especially if there is no blueprint
                  • yes, things take time but a relationship is a partnership – a team effort
    • arguing, as he calls it, isn’t bad so long as it’s “the couple vs. the problem” not “partner vs. partner” and you are both working towards a solution you are both willing to meet in the middle on
      • his needs, my needs, his space, and my space should NEVER BE SACRIFICED in the name of the other
        • they DO need to be juggled and balanced
          • because yes, he brought sacrifice up – claiming to spend time with me even when he needed his space
            • upon further probing, I found out it’s because he had already made a commitment to me, NOT because I made him give up his personal space time which is the way it sounded at first
              • this is when I told him that personal space time that’s been scheduled is sacred and used my respite care as an example as to why I feel this way about it
              • I also made a point to remind him that keeping your word on commitments is just as sacred too as well as expressing my appreciation that he has on this
    • I don’t know, I just got the deep feeling that he wanted me to feel bad today and that wanted me to feel guilty about everything that happened and that he wanted me to feel bad about him spending so much time with him
      • it was at that point I told him it sounded like he didn’t want to be with me anymore because everything about him said he was ready to quit and bail and he was making it clear that it was my fault
  • everything eventually calmed down, but nothing was resolved
    • it wasn’t until the end of all of this that I find out that he was fine after he blew up the first time – it was over as far as he was concerned in his mind
      • I’m going to guess the same is true this afternoon
    • yes, sex happened but thanks to the conversation that happened around it, I’m not entirely sure if he was reaching for me with joy or just what exactly
      • I said yes to it because I wanted to feel loved and connected
        • I’m left wondering if I am
        • is anyone?

Friday ~ May 03, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0MH ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total
Little Bear didn’t want to sleep last night
napped off and on most of the day, fuck it

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 7am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 10:40am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 12oz. green apple Angry Orchard Hard Cider
  • 3 pcs. BBQ pork

Today’s Feelings

  • apprehensive and sad in AM
  • pensive in PM

Notes

  • I’m left wondering what I’m supposed to do at this point given what happened yesterday
    • a part of me knows he expects to go on as if nothing has happened or changed
  • the problem with Iron Knight’s car that had him worked up so bad was resolved by this morning
    • he was completely elated about it, like a little kid, while I was devastated as I realized I had been an emotional punching bag for him yesterday
  • Iron Knight asked me what my plans were for today after he got done celebrating his car and I told him emotional first aid
    • he asked me what that looked like and I said, “I don’t know, I just need to get to a better place because yesterday was really hard on me.”
      • we talked about how I had asked for emotional support yesterday and all I got in return was being told how terrible of a person I was all day
        • and yes, he kept justifying himself
          • no, there’s no excuse for treating someone like that and saying things like that because you’re upset and stressed out
        • I told him talking about things is how I problem solve, process my emotions, and feel emotionally supported and if I can’t trust him to do that then I have to go somewhere else to do that
  • before he headed out he talked about me coming over to hang out while he had his daughter this week
    • specifically stating Scholar Owl babysitting Little Bear so that I could at first until I gave him the side eye, then he talked about me bringing the boys over or him bringing her over to my place
    • I told him I didn’t know, we’ll see
      • honestly, right now I feel hurt and wounded and all of this just glossed over – like he wants to pretend it didn’t happen
        • I could feel myself closing up and pulling away this morning
          • I don’t know if I want to see him this week
          • maybe I need space now
          • I know I’m tired of getting hurt like I did yesterday
          • I know I’m tired of being told to let it go like it’s no big deal
          • I know I’m tired of giving and being empty like this all the time
          • I’m tired of my needs being too much to deal with
          • I’m tired of being too much to deal with
  • I wonder what it would feel like to be loved by someone the way I love
    • would it be as much of a burden as I’m led to believe?
    • would it be problematic and suffocating?
    • and no, I’m not trying to be cheeky here
      • it’s an honest question; a real mental exercise
      • trying to step outside of myself here and look at it objectively
        • is what I’m doing something I would ever, truly desire in a relationship?
          • do any of us ever stop to think about that?
            • what about our children?
              • is this how we want our sons and daughters to be treated?
                • am I treating Iron Knight in a way that I want my sons to be treated someday?
                  • because this is the model I’m providing
                    • AND the treatment I allow in return is also the model I provide them in how they should treat their partners
      • so yes, I believe this is a question we all need to ask ourselves regularly
        • last night, Little Bear forced himself to stay awake for as long as he could and fussed over me a few times
          • at one point Iron Knight told me he never liked to hear his mother crying, but this morning he griped about my son keeping himself awake
            • I focused on the ghost stories his cousin had been telling him earlier that day but now I’m wondering how much of it is really because he wanted to make sure I was okay
              • the fighting between his father and I used to be really bad
              • Little Bear showed no hesitation at one point to run into the room to hug me when I started crying while talking to Iron Knight
      • I’m not saying disagreements should never happen – that’s not realistic
        • I am saying we need to be mindful in how we conduct ourselves and treat each other when we disagree
    • I’m just at a point right now where I’m afraid to bring anything up to him at all
      • why should I if this is how I’m going to be treated?
      • it’s never a good time for him to go over things with him
  • Emotional First Aid – A Quick Guide
    • shared this with Iron Knight
  • towards the end of the day, I tried to have a conversation about tone with Iron Knight – as an extension of my thought process regarding modeling relationships to our children, which admittedly he was not in the loop for
    • he thought for some reason we were arguing while I thought we were having an intellectual discussion
      • and no, this isn’t the first time this has happened – in person or online
        • I seem to do this a lot, just jump into these soul searching, deep dive type of topics many people find uncomfortable I guess that my brain refuses to drop
          • how this translates into being argumentative, I’m not sure
            • maybe it’s my persistence?
    • so here’s the thing, I find it odd that most people can’t read body language all the well while I can’t read tone on its own
      • for example, listening to audio alone, tone doesn’t mean much to me
        • however, watching someone speak, adding tone with the body language and I get meaning from it
          • it’s like adding pepper to a steak
            • what is pepper by itself? if you ask me, not a whole lot
    • anyhow once I realized what I had done, I bring up the relationship model and discussed it with him and why it concerns me
      • Scholar Owl has the solid belief that romance and marriage is a trap of misery and ruin because of me and the life I have led
      • Little Bear is now showing the similar behaviors Scholar Owl once had in his younger years which means I run the risk of having another son believing the same thing
      • Tuxedo Cat doesn’t talk to me about romance or love, so I have no idea what his belief system is on this
    • I think he understood my concern
    • he asked me if I thought I treated him the way I want my boys to be treated
      • I believe I do
        • I hope that someday someone will dote upon them and care for them as I do him
          • he said he likes the way I do this
      • I also told him that I treat him the way I want to be treated
        • all he said to that is okay
    • also pointed out that maybe I need to focus on myself more and not give so much
      • again all he said was okay
    • and then I asked him as a favor that as he spent time with his daughter to look at her, really look at her, and think of the type of partner he hopes she will have and compare it to the partner he has been and is now, to be honest with it, and start holding himself accountable
      • he tried bringing up her mother and her soon to be step-dad
        • but this is when I stressed how important it was he becomes a beacon of light
          • nothing is going to replace him being her real, biological father first off, so HE is going to be the first person she looks to as the model of what love looks like from a man
            • not her mother, what she learns from her mother is something else
              • like how to treat a man, for example – she will learn that from her mother
              • but she learns how to be treated by a man from her father
              • this is true for sons too, by the way
                • they learn how to treat women from their fathers
                • they learn how to be treated by women from their mothers
      • he said he would do this
        • I’m satisfied with this answer
  • completely random side note I just thought of: the one our partner tends to subconsciously remind us of the most tends to be the parent we wanted the love from the most – not the gender opposite from us, because our inner child is still seeking approval, comfort, or familiarity in some way
    • so if you find yourself constantly in toxic relationships, you need to break the cycle by healing the wounded inner child
      • the reason for this is because we’re attempting to mend ourselves externally with people that have nothing to do with the initial relationship that created the wound by recreating the stage and trying to get it to play out differently
        • if you weren’t able to mend the initial relationship, the odds of this working are incredibly slim
          • EVERYTHING is stacked against you, including yourself
      • healing the wounded inner child means coming to terms with the broken relationship, processing and honoring the emotions involved, allowing yourself to grieve, and letting it all go
        • yes, it’s hard
        • yes, it takes time
        • no, I’m not out of the clear yet
  • we moved on to talk about my parents and the way they are behaving as of late
    • all my life they have used doublespeak, the unspoken, and tone policing to control things in the home
      • I’ve even experienced the double bind more than once growing up too
    • so Iron Knight asked me to explain, and I told him about how my mother burst into tears at the dinner table the other night – which he knew about already
      • I don’t know what my parents were fighting about that night, but I know they were fighting about something
        • but they never said anything directly
          • if they had, yelling would have happened – trust me
            • this is just how they roll
          • Dad was nasty in his passive-aggressive, agitated way with her
          • Mom was distant and frustrated in her exhausted, martyred fashion
      • I told him this reminds me of the last time Dad began to actively suspect her of cheating on him, and caught her
        • he’s been talking about the last time a lot lately
        • demanding her time, dumping the babysitting on her instead of him doing it like he told my brother he would
        • I truly fail to see how insisting someone sit with you to watch something they hate, not touching them or talking to them, is quality time but that’s what he does with her
          • I don’t know if he let’s her pick the show once in awhile but she rarely ever looks thrilled to be watching it
    • I don’t know if Dad’s targeting her now that I haven’t been giving him whatever response he was looking for when he was focusing on me there for awhile or what – just guessing here
      • because he’s done everything he can to make me feel unwelcome to use the living room downstairs
      • he seems to find every excuse he can to chase the boys – especially Little Bear – back upstairs
      • but I can promise you, if I try to move out he will try to convince me why I shouldn’t or can’t
      • I didn’t fight him about this, instead Iron Knight fixed the folding bed in my room and we folded it back into a couch and we’ve been watching stuff upstairs more often
        • the downside is that Little Bear uses this as an excuse to stay awake and be disruptive

Saturday ~ May 04, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 2A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 10:30am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM missed
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 1pm
  • refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 10:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 tuna on oat bread

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Little Bear’s desktop shut off twice last night, showing signs of over heating
    • took a can of air to it and unplugged all the vents
    • hopefully nothing has been damaged
  • was woken up this morning with instructions to assist with cleaning out the pantry because of a squirrel raiding it
    • awesome – it got into my 10 pound bag of rice and made a huge ass mess
    • at least I was able to reorganize my shelf and make it neater – bonus
    • extra bonus: Dad cleared another shelf for me to use in the pantry
      • not that it matters much, he gave me a bunch of canned goods that went on that shelf so it doesn’t exactly feel like it’s my space at the moment
  • worked on blog 1pm to 2pm, 3pm to 4pm
    • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 20
    • began working on Daily Draw posts for week 21
  • chatted with Iron Knight about the kids and shared with him my philosophy on how behavior is a language and how trust is built upon connection with those that matter
    • someday I will get into the habit of archiving these conversations to keep as notes for future blog posts perhaps
      • some things are too long and complicated to explain here I think
  • If you have (or had) toxic relationships of any kind, read this now!
    • a worthwhile article to read

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