Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-19

You know that first boss in Resident Evil Revelations that lumbers around yelling, “May day! May day! This is the Queen Zenobia!” I feel like my brain has been doing that this week and I would very much like it to stop.

And those of you that know me personally reading this blog, do me a huge favor and keep this week’s info under wraps. I write my blog anonymously for a reason. It hasn’t been a big problem in the past, but I need to make this request right now since this is something people like to gossip about and I know this is something my parents won’t keep quiet about if they catch wind of. I don’t know anything for sure yet, so I won’t be telling them anything until I do.

I just need a safe place to give vent my thoughts, worries, and not feel alone. I realize there are times I sound irrational and paranoid. I accept that as part of my illness, but I don’t have a desire to take an emotional beating for it every time it surfaces. No, I’m not willing to be that vulnerable.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ May 05, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 6am, up at 9am – 3 hours total
napped off and on most of the morning into the afternoon, with frequent interruptions

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 5pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • filled new vape well (mint) @ 10pm
    • coil was overheating and couldn’t tell which flavor anymore

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 32oz. Gatorade
  • bowl of salad
  • bowl of leftover shepherd’s pie with cheese

Today’s Feelings

  • distracted but productive early this morning
  • distracted and unfocused the rest of the day

Notes

  • worked on blog 1am to 4:45am
    • finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 21
    • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 22
    • Daily Draw posts for May is finished
  • couldn’t even sleep in today without my mother bitching about it around 9am
  • becoming increasingly unhappy with the vape and how the wicks burn out
    • really starting to miss tobacco and the way it tastes to be honest
  • I appreciate that Dad fussed over the fact that I had spent all day fighting a migraine yesterday and spent pretty much all day today recovering from it
    • no pain today, but the fog has been here all morning and afternoon
  • worked on blog 5pm to 6pm
    • trying to streamline this so I can get an entire month’s worth of posts for the Daily Draw done in a day, but we’ll see how it goes
      • started on week 23
    • never mind, got seriously derailed by internet and Little Bear
  • watched Predator because I caught Little Bear looking up them and Aliens on YouTube comparing the two so I figured, why not?
    • Little Bear protested claiming to be an Aliens fan until the unit decided to “spread out and form a perimeter” and that’s when he declared they broke the FIRST RULE and started guessing who would die first…
      • when I told my parents about this, Dad just laughed while Mom and I joked about how it was Tuxedo Cat that would watch the Resident Evil movies just to count the zombie bodies
        • she then said, “only my children”
          • you know… I seem to recall growing up watching Godizilla with her and making the monsters talk…
    • the other two boys wouldn’t watch with me and Little Bear passed out before the movie was over
  • I ended up watching Predator 2 and reminisced how I had watched this one with my mom years ago as a kid – out of them all, this one was my favorite and the one I remembered best
    • the two older boys still wouldn’t watch it with me – it’s a shame, they’re missing out on a classic

Monday ~ May 06, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0H ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0A

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6:30am – 6.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 10am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • popcorn
  • coleslaw

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

  • woke up feeling chilly this morning
  • weird dull pressure in my head this morning
  • worked on blog from 7am to 9am, from 11am to 12pm, 1:30pm to 2:30pm, from 10pm to 10:30pm
    • scheduled Daily Draw posts for week 23
    • started Daily Draw posts for week 24
  • looks like I need to stay away from Facebook if I want to get anything done

10:30am

Ended up having another bumpy conversation with Iron Knight this morning on messenger. I even started out with Simon Sinek’s confrontation method:

  • state exactly how you feel
  • state the specific action they took that made you feel that way
  • state the potential impact
  • AND THEN JUST LISTEN – NOTHING ELSE
    • if they get defensive, tell them, “I hear you,” and repeat your statement

So here’s the video on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/simonsinek/videos/424928161640411/UzpfSTE1MzA2NTgxODYzNTI1NTozNjcwNDEwNDcyMzc3MzA/

And here’s exactly what I said:

it hurts when I feel like it’s expected of me to cook dinner and I make that effort to do so and then afterwards you want to just watch TV and I feel like we are growing distant as a result

And yes, he got defensive and I just let him go at it. In retrospect there are a few things I should have done differently. I wasn’t specific about which day I was referring to here so he assumed I meant it as an always type of thing, which I wasn’t. I wasn’t specific as to why I felt it was expected of me even though I know he can easily eat somewhere else. It’s the nights he asks if we have eaten yet and the nights he asks if I plan to cook.

It’s not even a direct request, “Will you cook for me?” here – that part is implied. Because then the person can always say, “I never asked you to do it,” even though the request is there. This basic human behavior we falsely believe to be polite because in reality it often only gives the imposer the exit door while locking in the one imposed upon.

If you are asked and you do it and there isn’t a return gesture of appreciation of some kind, it hurts – I don’t care how you slice it, and it then becomes something that was expected of you like it was your obligation to do it.

But here’s the rub: if you are asked this and you don’t do it, now you’re being rude – especially in the eyes of your parents. It doesn’t even matter if you’ve fed your children yet or not. You live with your parents and they hear the question, they expect you to do it – period. As a host this is what you do for your guests, end of discussion. As a parent, you NEED to fucking feed your kids so why haven’t you done that yet?! AND god forbid you eat in front of a guest!! That’s just fucking rude.

Seriously, you have to be THE WORST of THE WORST of guests to not be fed in this house and it’s really hard to hit that list.

So no, at no point in any of this was me saying, “I don’t want to fucking cook for you.”

That’s not even remotely it at all. Why does he focus on that? What I am saying is I would like to see some kind of reciprocity for when I do cook.

And at no point did I repeat my confrontation method statement from above. I only sat there, let him go at it (said “okay” once the entire time) until he calmed down. Somehow I don’t feel like a boundary of mine really got stated or set here. Somehow the focus became my disorders again. At least at the end of it he acknowledged that the TV thing is an issue.

Yes I’m feedback oriented, but I need the feedback every time, not just when I point out there is a problem or breakdown.

And just because I state there is a problem doesn’t mean I’m unhappy ALL THE TIME. If I continue to restate the problem it means it continues to exist; not that I am unhappy ALL THE TIME.

I understand and appreciate that he’s trying. What I don’t like is when I point out that something isn’t changing that I’m accused of being too negative.

But seriously, put yourself in my shoes. You say you’re coming over to hang out with me. So I put my shit, working on the blog, etc., on hold and cook dinner for you. Then you say you just want to watch TV. You don’t want to talk about anything. You don’t want to do anything. Just sit on my couch, watch TV, and as the evening wears on complain about how tired you are. So what do I get to do? I watched you eat, watch TV, and fall asleep when I could have been doing something productive or maybe even fun with my time. Why are you coming over to my place if you don’t want to do anything with me?

Does this really make me a negative person to ask this?

No, it’s not every day. Sometimes we have sex if I ask for it. On occasion we hang out with his friends or go out on a real date – which is insanely nice when we can do it.

I’m really starting to think that when people are telling me I’m being negative, what they’re really trying to say is that what I’m telling them is undesirable and therefore “bad” rather than I’m being pessimistic.

I’m so tired of being treated like this is wrong when I have learned through experience REPEATEDLY that these feelings indicate that something here isn’t okay and it needs to be changed.

I’m not being pessimistic. I truly believe if we made the effort to properly communicate and meet each other in the middle we could find common ground and compromise if we both wanted to.

I’m beginning to feel here like he doesn’t want to deal with any of it and just wants me to sweep it all under the rug and pretend that everything is just fine so he can continue to do what he’s been doing.

I am not a big fan of watching TV. Never have been. Binging once in awhile is fine, but daily viewing fries and imbalances me. I need activities that engage my mind on a regular basis. I need interactive activities that get me out of my head and give my brain something to do.

And if it’s a game for god’s sake let it be one where everyone has a chance to win. I no longer have any interest in watching or participating in pissing matches. Leave your ego at the door, please. So tired of egos.

I don’t know. Maybe I need to take advantage of this week of him having his daughter to take a break and spend the time to focus solely on myself.

Fill my cup and find some clarity. Something needs to change.

4:00pm

I don’t know why I can’t stay way from him, but I can’t. He did prove me wrong though. He asked if he’s doing things that are constantly a problem, so I explained the trend the way I had in the paragraph above where I ask you to be in my shoes and he listened completely. Not only did accept what I had to say, but I think he finally understood the problem I’ve been railing against.

He even accepted my observation about negative vs. pessimism and why I feel there is a distinction. He even went so far as to say that my father is a pessimist. I’m inclined to agree. There are too many days that man has a problem for every solution. I think I tend to be more of the practical sort. Which he agreed with.

So then we talked about mental stimulation, what it would look like in the practical sense, and why daily TV consumption is bad for me. A lot of it has to do with how my brain works and the way it loops on things, but what we’re viewing plays a role in it as well.

Dark, depressing content might have a negative impact on your mood. If you are a sensitive individual, then it absolutely will. Daily consumption of content like that over time, whether you are sensitive or not, will have a negative impact on your mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being. It will wear you down. It just happens faster for those who are more sensitive to it.

Why do you think we flock to cat, dog, and baby pics and videos on the internet like crack? Because they are cute, fluffy, and immediately uplifting. How often to you see one of those and not smile? This is why we share them because we need to counteract the constant bombardment of doom and gloom we get everywhere else.

In any case, I now have a sense of relief.


Tuesday ~ May 07, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
went to bed earlier, but had significant trouble falling asleep
napped 3:30pm to 7pm – 3.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ ? (pretty sure I filled it twice today)
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 4pkgs. Instant Oatmeal with 2 slices of buttered oat toast
  • popcorn
  • half of a Milky Way fudge bar

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
  • mostly an uneventful day
  • got no work on my blog done
  • the subject of me applying for disability came up between Dad and I again
    • this is something he’s never going to let go
    • he also has it in his head I can also get SSI on top of that for some reason, which I have never heard of
    • I don’t even know where to begin, and said as much to my therapist
      • she asked me if I thought having a case worker would help
        • I told her, yes
  • tried to get DHHS paperwork done today too
    • for some reason they sent out paperwork for me to sign up for the work program for SNAP even though I had sent in paperwork about the boys already stating why I need to be home for them
      • so I need to find out why that wasn’t accepted this year when it was last year ~OR~ I need to start submitting paperwork on myself
        • like my therapist says, it’s not like I don’t have a long history of medical records here to work with for myself or the boys
          • there is so much documentation here it’s insane
  • bought a pregnancy test
    • came out negative
      • I have ambivalent, mixed feelings about this
        • I haven’t been able to tell Iron Knight about any of this

Wednesday ~ May 08, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm night before, up at 4am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 11am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 32oz. Gatorade
  • 2 cups of coffee
  • oven fried chicken, loaded baked potato, canned peaches
  • 1 Milky Way fudge bar (yes, I got to eat the whole thing)

Today’s Feelings

  • calm

Notes

4:30am

I woke up craving tobacco early this morning that the vape can’t seem to satisfy. There is something about smoking that vaping cannot replicate. I’m beginning to feel like this is a caffeinated vs. decaf conversation even though both products here have nicotine. So this is actually more of a throat hit and mouth feel discussion.

I’m beginning to understand why the disposable vapes are designed to look and feel more like cigarettes. Smokers are already used to the idea of a single use product so switching to that is an easy leap even though they are more expensive in the long run.

Seriously, if you have never started doing either, do yourself a big favor and DON’T – your wallet alone will thank you.

I’m honestly not trying to promote these products, this is just the life I live now. Looking back at my life, would I have lived it differently? I have no idea. I don’t think so unless I got diagnosed sooner, as in my teens and started treatment then.

This is something I talked about with my therapist yesterday. My parents had 5 kids and out of all of them, I am the only one that responded to them the way I did. The rest of them have all become completely independent and interact with them on their terms.

Even my baby brother has this interdependence thing going on between them, which he has made it clear that he doesn’t need them in order to survive by purchasing his own house.

All of my adult life I have lived in and out of this house, and when I’m not in it my parents have felt the need to monitor me – for whatever reason – and I’ve allowed it. And it’s been this way long before I was ever diagnosed.

But Dad claims now he never knew there was anything wrong with me as a child. I call bullshit on this. You’re either a toxic person that likes to control everything or you fucking knew. Or both. Because he does try to monitor my siblings – I’ve watched him do it. It’s in the way he talks after he gets off the phone, the way he asks Mom to call, or in the way he works himself up into going over to visit. There is a lot of agitation involved.

I find this perplexing. Like why does it matter so much? And why do I find it so fascinating to observe? Because I do. I admit that. Watching people in general is very interesting to me. Always has been.

Like take my mom for example. Why does she let him work himself up like that? Why does she allow him to bark orders at her the way he does when she clearly doesn’t like making phone calls for him? He’s perfectly capable of making his own phone calls. So why is he demanding that and why is she complying? And I don’t buy into my sister’s explanation that he has “erased” her because I watch her resist him in other areas. So why not this one? Why does she humor him with this?

I feel like this has been a very long conversation and I missed the beginning part of it. And I feel like somehow this is tied to why Dad expects me to play secretary with the damn phone (even though we have voice mail) or to wait for packages whenever he is napping or not home. But I was never part of this conversation. So I don’t understand the underlying reasoning. The unspoken here is broken and unclear. It’s like an inside joke you aren’t privy to, but you’re expected to roll with it anyway.

The only part of the unspoken that is clear in all this that it’s my mother’s and I’s duty to do these things. But why?

6:30am

I’m feeling incredibly behind on my blog again. I wish I could overcome this feeling already. I keep telling myself if I could just get another series completely scheduled for the year, I would feel better. I can’t help but wonder if I haven’t bitten off more than I can chew here. I know these are just doubts because deep down, there is no way I will ever stop writing about something. There will always be a drive in me to write. Always.

6:30-7:30am

Finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 24. Finally.

7:30-8:53am

Finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 25.

My menses still hasn’t started yet even though I’m pretty sure the migraine I had last Saturday was menstrual/hormone related – even toned down the hypersexual shit after it hit. There hasn’t really been any cramps either. My biggest concern is the fact I’m taking Topamax, which is a big no-no for pregnancy. And I feel like I can’t tell Iron Knight any of this because I know he will freak right the fuck out and why do that to him when I don’t know anything for sure right now.

And the part that sucks is that I know he occasionally reads my blog, but I need to document this somewhere. I will eventually tell him. Just not right now when I don’t know anything for sure.

11am-12:45pm

Finished scheduling Daily Draw posts for week 26. This completes June – minus a day.

Mom started in with some bullshit about how she hadn’t heard me all day so clearly I must be sleeping. Yes, I gave her “the look” as I told her I’ve been up since 4am. I’m now wondering why schedule is being monitored. I’ve been over hearing their conversation about it for some time now. Right now they think I sleep all the time.

I know last week it felt like I was trying like mad to get some sleep. What I don’t get is why they feel justified in their naps, but judge me for mine.

1pm-3:30pm

Little Bear’s OT (including the driving for that)

4:30pm-6pm

Picked up Tuxedo Cat from Special Olympics practice and went grocery shopping, then started dinner.


Thursday ~ May 09, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11pm night before, up at 6am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 6:45pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 64oz. Gatorade
  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 6 cups of hot S’mores cereal (it’s softer)
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • seriously I don’t know other than unfocused as fuck

Notes

6:30am

Spent the rest of the evening last night playing RE2. Somewhere in all of this Dad made a point to probe me on the where abouts of Iron Knight, even though Mom had done the same thing earlier this week. Let’s be more obvious shall we?

8:30am

Still haven’t started my menses. I did end up talking to Iron Knight about it. He didn’t flip out on me, but he did focus on all the reasons I couldn’t be pregnant. Dude, I’m an over thinker here and I’ve already gone over that a billions times. Trust me.

9am-11:45am

Waited ON HOLD with DHHS just to finally get someone to tell me that I’m ALL SET with the work registration since all four of us have verified disorders and I’m a patient over at the state hospital. Really starting to understand why Piggie insisted so strongly I go to this one over the others – and not just because she works there. I get less bullshit now that I’m over there. The paperwork that I needed to mail for them is in the mail, so for them at least I’m all set now. The lady said that the work registration letter is auto sent each year and that as long as my situation doesn’t change, I’m all set. I just send in my paperwork and make the phone call like I have been to verify. It’s all good.

And of course my brain couldn’t let a certain something go… according to Planned Parenthood, due to human error the condom is only about 85% effective. IF you were to use it 100% perfectly every time, then they would be 98% effective. So I’m not sure where Iron Knight’s 99% effective stat is coming from at all. Seriously. Even the CDC ranks condoms in the last tier of effectiveness.

Now I just need to get my ass in gear and get the damn paperwork done on the college loan deferment taken care of already.

11pm to 2:15am

Worked on getting the Chaos Rally reading done for this week. Can’t believe I almost completely forgot it. Got it done at least.


Friday ~ May 10, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 4am, up at 6am, bed at 6:30am, up at 8:45am – 4.25 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • both vape sticks needed to be charged even though one was charging this entire time @ 3am (annoying as fuck)
  • filled two new vape wells (stupid coils) @ 9:30am
  • forgot AM meds
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 3:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • one of those microwavable mug cinnamon cakes
  • some popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • uneasy
  • vulnerable
  • pleasantly surprised

Notes

2:30am to 4pm

Completely redid the frames and poses in my Chaos Rally 3D stage to hopefully streamline the process of rendering and writing up the readings.

10am

Seriously pissing me off with how late Little Bear’s ride has been showing up lately. All this week I’ve been lucky if it’s before 9:15am.

Still no menses as of this morning. And so I have the deepening concern that I will be treated once again like I have ruined someone else’s life, even though I am the one that will bear the total burden of responsibility for raising the child.

Iron Knight didn’t mention it this morning when he spoke to me and I didn’t dare to. He’s convinced the condom is enough and that I’m too old. He kept pointing to perimenopause and how careful he’s been. I’m not blaming anyone here.

The problem is my periods have NOT been irregular or abnormal in any way. Nor have I been experiencing any hot flashes. In fact, I’m not experiencing any symptoms of perimenopause that isn’t already explained by my disorders or medication side effects. The other thing is, you can still get pregnant during perimenopause. So it doesn’t matter if I am experiencing it. That risk doesn’t end until menopause occurs, when menses end COMPLETELY for at least 12 months.

Yes, I’m ambivalent about all this. I was raised a Latter-Day Saint. Being female in a culture like that means from the day you’re born, you are told every day your sole purpose in God’s Great Plan is to be a wife and a mother. You are literally groomed for this. The Young Women’s program especially was largely about this when I was growing up. Let that sink in. I have no idea what it’s like now. I don’t go to church anymore. So I had to deal with that even though I knew my dad was disappointed I wasn’t the firstborn son.

It shattered me when I was told, at the age of 19, that I was sterile due to the circumstances of my miscarriage. I had no idea I was even pregnant at the time, but I not only lost the baby but I had also gone septic. Rage, despair, and self-hatred doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt for years back then. I did eventually reach a “fuck it” point and accepted it. And perhaps oddly, at this point in my life I can say if it hadn’t been for my miscarriage I may very well have died. This really is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and let go of.

I became pregnant and had Scholar Owl at the age of 25. This child is the miracle I never thought I would have… and his father never wanted another child. He was very vocal about it and always angry with me for it. I never told my son this, but sadly I think he knows anyway. You can’t hide the absence of someone in your life.

I never thought I would have another child, but Tuxedo Cat came along about two years later after Iron Knight left us. Maybe I should have chased after him, but I so very much wanted someone to choose me – to choose us. So I waited.

My rapist forced another pregnancy upon me and I made the hardest decision I ever made in my life. I had an abortion. There were medical reasons behind this, not to mention I had used the Plan B twice from two different pharmacies and it obviously failed.

I figured this was it. I got lucky with the two I have and so I should be grateful. The world around me had so many opinions. So much shaming. It was awful. What the fuck was I doing raising kids alone anyway?

But then my ex-husband showed up and played the role of hero. Even then there were red flags, but again there were so many opinions. Give the guy a chance. You’re too quick to judge. Really the only one to raise the alarm was my dad – over the age gap between us of all things. So Little Bear came along and all hell broke loose.

And let me tell you, if this is how it’s going to be every time I have a baby then no, I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want the abuse, neglect, terror, and abandonment. I don’t want my children to keep feeling that they’re not wanted and watch yet another person walk the fuck out on them. And I’m tired of people walking out on me just because I ruined their life with a baby.

It doesn’t help that I have people breathing down my neck about my disorders and about the disorders that the children I already have are dealing with. Not to mention the post-partum shit I’ve been through every time. Public opinion is that I shouldn’t have any children. That I have no business being a mother. I deeply resent this. I fought with the doctor in OR when Little Bear was born to NOT have my tubes tied even while still under the effects of the epidural.

Why raise me in such a way to believe that my entire measure of worth is being this ONE THING only to turn around and try to rip it away from me every day?

And then to call me bitter, ugly, and negative for being angry about that? Fuck you.

A part of me really does want to know what it’s like to have a happy and safe family environment to raise a child in. I want to know what that looks and feels like. No, I don’t intend to run out and try to get pregnant. But I won’t run away from it either.

All I ever wanted was a simple, quiet life.

I regret telling Iron Knight at this point. I wish I hadn’t heard all the reasons I’m supposedly too old for this. Never mind the political climate that’s going on right now with abortion and birth control laws in my country. A day doesn’t go by in which I am constantly reminded that my body doesn’t belong to me. Never has and never will.

12:45pm

Little Bear came home today with a book on rocks for me that included four stones: Pyrite, Rose Quartz, Dalmatian Jasper, and Blue Aragonite. I’ve never seen the last two before and all four are good sized stones. About as big around as a quarter. It made me smile because I remember when I was his age I used to collect rocks too, but any kits I ever found as a kid had tiny ones in them. He was really proud of his find. I would have been too.

He also bought a cardboard RC building kit and we sat down to put it together. We were making good progress until we needed a tiny screwdriver I don’t have, so the project is on hold for now.

He also got a LEGO book, but didn’t seem anywhere near as interested in it as his first two prizes.

9:15pm

Iron Knight is having car problems again, which really sucks. Leak in the coolant somewhere. Hopefully it won’t be too much of a hassle to fix. He can’t seem to catch a break with this lately.

However he shocked me by saying he bought me a Mother’s Day gift and wants to spend the day with me this Sunday after he spends some time with his mother.

No one has taken my boys to pick out a gift this year, or even offered to, and I’ve gotten used to that. I don’t remember the last time someone put in any effort on Mother’s Day for me without my involvement.

I still need to get something for my mom. I feel like a bad kid.


Saturday ~ May 11, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 1 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10:30pm night before, up at 5:30am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 6am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 6am
  • charging vape stick (tobacco) @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 9:30pm

Meals

  • 0.5 cup of coffee this morning
  • 1 cup of coffee
  • 1 liter Dr. Pepper
  • couple handfuls of baked Cheetos
  • 2 ham & cheese sandwiches on buns

Today’s Feelings

  • calm this AM
  • content this PM

Notes

  • Special Olympics’ State Regionals today
    • Tuxedo Cat is participating in:
      • the Soft Ball Throw
      • the 50m Dash
      • the 100m Dash
    • and he’s chomping at the bit first thing this morning to get there
  • still no menses as of this morning
    • Maybe now is not the time to remind him that my grandmother had her 14th child the year after I was born.
      • no, I have ZERO plans for that shit – fuck that
        • but for what it’s worth, she is the woman that is still active and up and about today – she’s one hell of a lady

3:30pm

The boys all had a good time. For the first time this year, I got to see Tuxedo cat totally relaxed and full of smiles. He even ran around in circles in the wind, just for fun, between heats.

And this year, Little Bear got to be a volunteer and help out with the Shot Put and Softball Throw events – which he took very seriously, like it was the most important job in the world. He was assigned to help the oldest participants, who seemed to love his chatter and energy. And of course, he was thrilled to pieces to pick up the balls for them and hand each one to them. He had no trouble with the weighted ones for shot put either, and I thought they were quite heavy personally.

Even Scholar Owl seemed in good spirits, aside from the complaints of the chilly wind – which pretty much everyone else didn’t like either. I’m glad I had the foresight to tell the boys to dress warmly and brought a blanket with us. It did not warm up like it was supposed to today.

After the meet, I got withdrew some cash for my mother’s gift tomorrow. We picked out some roses for her, since that’s her thing, and a card. I put the money in the card and a note telling her to go out to dinner. Dad for some reason seemed a bit put off that I had plans to go with my sons and Iron Knight, but I told him that I didn’t think Mom wants to listen to my boys all day and he relaxed and backed off. I think he understood I want to spend the day with my children while giving my mother a day to herself. At least I hope he understands this. I’m pretty certain my mother will.

And I also made the point to tell him that nothing bugs me more than having to cook my own dinner on Mother’s Day so I thought this would be a nice gift for her: a dinner she doesn’t have to cook or clean up after, one she can just sit back and enjoy. THEN he grinned at me. And in her case, no kids to listen to or chase after either because hers are all grown up now. Her day really should be one of peace and I hope she gets to have that. I hope my dad doesn’t fuck that up on her.

And fuck him for his snide remark about Iron Knight buying me a gift. Why should that be something only from my children? I gave birth to his son. And I don’t see anyone offering to help my sons out with the whole gift giving thing. And honestly, it feels weird and inappropriate if I take them out to buy me a gift.

Come to think of it, he has always been an asshole about this to Mom. There has never been, “Thank you for being the mother of my children,” from him to her that I can remember.

Makes me wonder… does he just see motherhood as some kind of obligation or a job that doesn’t need acknowledgment or gratitude?

Mom always does something for him for Father’s Day though. Just last week she was talking to me and Iron Knight about the books she is looking for him and wants to get for both his birthday and Father’s Day and to let her know if we see them. And I know that every year he makes a big deal out of it. He will plan his own BBQ party.

And every year he will make a point to remind me not to forget to get something for each of my sons’ fathers and used to get angry when I refused to do so for Scholar Owl’s father. Hey, you want to be treated like a father, then you act like one.

He dropped it after Scholar Owl’s father randomly showed up at my dad’s house and made an ass of himself whining about being nailed in court for an felony assault with a deadly weapon in front of Scholar Owl.

So I’m wondering if he sees fatherhood as something that must be acknowledged and appreciated?

Why must the act of motherhood be defended at every turn?

8pm

I find myself actually missing TV today. Seriously. What the hell?

10pm

Ended up watching “Bonding” on Netflix. All 8 episodes. Totally worth it. What is it with me and dark comedy anyway? Mature Audience by the way.

10:30pm

Mom got my present and OF COURSE Dad tells her that tomorrow is the worst day to go out to dinner. Because everywhere will be busy and you’ll need reservations. And when I said if I had known reservations for his preferred restaurant (never once heard her say it was her favorite) was going to be a problem I would have set it up, he said it would be too crowded anyway.

It pissed me off to see the light dim in her eyes even as she agreed with him. How did these two ever get married? He totally missed the fucking point of this gift.

And he’ll make her cook dinner tomorrow night for them both. Just you wait. Damn that man. And then he complains how she never wants to do anything with him. Maybe try doing something she wants to do for a change?


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