Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-20

Not pregnant. Hypersexuality symptoms have dropped significantly. And again, it needs to be pointed out here that this particular thing is not about having a high libido. There is no such thing as a “normal libido” clinically truth be told. What defines hypersexuality is the obsession and preoccupation with sex and the abnormal behaviors that go along with it. Mine happens to be tied to my hypomanic, manic, and (occasionally) mixed states episodes. I’m not entirely convinced that I’m out of the water, but I do feel more stable than I have been in awhile.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: 5/13/19 (28 days)

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~


Sunday ~ May 12, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 11:30pm night before, up at 7am – 7.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 10:30pm

Meals

  • ? cups of coffee
  • prime rib melt on a bun, fries with sour cream
  • ice cream sundae

Today’s Feelings

  • happy

Notes

  • menses still hasn’t started, second test came out negative
    • either I’m not pregnant and something is wrong with my body
    • OR I am with everything is just like my pregnancy with Tuxedo Cat, where everything pointed to me being not pregnant (including spotting) until about 6 months when he fucking kicked me HARD
      • although back then I was really sick: first with the Norwegian flu (Norovirus) in a serious way, then is was bronchitis that I couldn’t seem to shake (I don’t miss working in nursing homes at all) that the doctor said was on the verge of becoming pneumonia (still not sure why he said this, but I do remember him making a big deal out of it)
        • and people wonder why I have gotten the vaccines that I have
          • there is one for the Norovirus now and they give it to infants
          • and there is also the PneumoVac
          • funny, after receiving both I have never had bronchitis or the stomach flu like that ever again
            • I used to get sick like that as a kid all the damn time
              • like fucking Walking Pneumonia all the damn time
                • Piggy and I both
                • the PneunoVac and the flu shot are your best defense against that
                  • I really thought that there was a vaccine specially for that, but I looked and I’m finding no references for it
                  • Walking Pneumonia is caused by a bacteria rather than a virus though, thus why its symptoms are atypical from regular pneumonia
                    • this might be why that doctor reacted the way he did back then
            • my children never have, not like that
              • I don’t know when the vaccine came out for the Norovirus, but the PneumoVac was offered after Tuxedo Cat was of age for it, and I was thrilled to hear it can also prevent certain strains of ear infections as well
                • by that time Scholar Owl already had two bad ones and I think Tuxedo Cat had one mild one
                • since then, they have had NONE other than the occasional ear aches that go along with sinus crap – I’ll take it with relief and hope they never know the hearing problems I now have
  • Iron Knight will feel justified by the second test, but I know I’m not out of the water until my menses start or I’m seen by a doctor – period
    • actually, he was surprisingly supportive online about this when he messaged me this morning – other than he wanted to quote to me the average number of day of a woman’s menstrual cycle (21-35 days) but I had to remind him that the only thing that really matters is the individual’s cycle
      • mine is an average of 25 days, with a 3 day variance and has been like this since Tuxedo Cat has been born – prior to that it was irregular as fuck and all over the place
        • and this is the advantage of mood trackers and documenting the fuck out of everything – I even double checked my trackers and the math in the numbers
          • I’ve gotten a little lazy in calculating when my periods are due, but the math is still solid
    • he’s still praying that I’m not pregnant, but assured me that he wouldn’t be angry if I am – I have my doubts on that if I’m being honest here, but only because I’ve been abandoned and mistreated so badly in the past because of it
  • he gave me a lovely Wonder Woman card, a lavender scented candle, and an Xbox points card
    • lunch with him and the boys was fantastic
    • we went to the park together and it was pretty peaceful there
    • we had ice cream at home afterwards
    • we watched the third Predators movie and then I had him check out the Alan Wake game before he headed out to watch Game of Thrones with his friends
      • he said he would be back later after
  • ex-husband’s father called wanting to talk to the boys and set up a visit with us for this Friday
    • which means ex-husband is planning to visit soon

Monday ~ May 13, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 plates of spaghetti and meat sauce
  • popcorn

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • Iron Knight came back over after Game of Thrones and it was really nice just to be held while sleeping – missed that
    • also miss how sensitive my sense of smell has been, I couldn’t smell him yesterday or early this morning as well as I have been able to
  • menses started this morning – a light watery flow with aching cramps
    • I expected to feel either sad or relief, but I feel neither
      • perhaps it’s because I’ve already run through the gauntlet of emotions over this last week?
        • maybe I’m just walling myself up against
          • a thing I know I shouldn’t have
          • I should be grateful for what I already have, given what I’ve been through thus far
            • three sons that aren’t supposed to exist but do
              • you know how amazing that is?
                • and I’m really glad I didn’t have more children with my ex-husband
                  • no regrets there
      • I just hope when I tell Iron Knight that he responds kindly
        • oh sure, now I have the tears just at the thought of this…
        • okay, so I have serious mixed feelings about it – fine, so be it
          • I need to mourn it and let it go
            • and he was incredibly kind about it!
  • Iron Knight came over and played Uno with Little Bear and I while I cooked dinner
    • afterwards we watched the fourth Predator movie
      • of course Little Bear claimed he didn’t want to watch it, and of course he got sucked into it
        • rather funny watching him pretend he wasn’t watching it, but every once in awhile make commentary
          • usually about who was going to die for being stupid
      • I wish the other two boys would be willing to play cards or watch a movie with us too once in awhile
        • I know, I know… they’re teens and we’re “not cool” right now
          • I remember how it was back when I was a teen, too busy doing my own shit
          • so… I’ll try to love on my Little Bear as much as I can, while he’ll still let me
            • I suppose this is why the baby in the family is seen as spoiled?
            • hey, I’d do the same for the older two if they’d let me!
              • don’t need to rush growing up, geesh

Tuesday ~ May 14, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
napped 1pm-4pm – 3 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • refilled vape well (mint) @ 8am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 12in. Roast Beef Sub

Today’s Feelings

  • happy

Notes

  • Therapy Tuesday
    • I told her that I feel that the events of last week has brought me closer to Iron Knight and that I’m grateful he has been overall supportive and understanding about everything
  • Little Bear came home grumpy, so I spent the evening playing Minecraft with him
  • Iron Knight came over and spent the night
    • he had dinner with us and seemed content watching TV in the same room as Little Bear and I while we played Minecraft on our PCs
      • no idea why – he’s never played the game
        • but I’m grateful he was understanding that my son needed time with me
      • Little Bear kept asking me to cheat on our server to get extra stuff
        • I was only willing to respawn villagers the one time they all died on us since we got a nice seed that spawned us in a village
  • I have felt like I’ve been run over by a big ass truck all day
    • pain of knots running up from my hips to the middle of my back like fire and up to my left shoulder
    • started sometime yesterday and hasn’t let up by bedtime

Wednesday ~ May 15, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 12:30am, up 6am – 5.5 hours total
I recall waking up from “mundane” dreams a few times last night that at the time seemed important, but now I can’t remember them – mundane as in doing something ordinary, and important because it involved people I knew – I don’t have dreams like that often – I wish now I had gotten up to write it down – the only thing not normal about it is that it was happening in the middle of the night when it’s something you normally do during the day

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7:30am
  • refilled vape well (tobacco) @ 8am
  • set vape stick to charge (tobacco) @ 10am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • handful of baked Cheetos

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • half day for public school
    • called to keep Little Bear home for a mental health day
      • Dad didn’t approve and wanted to know why, but I didn’t give him an answer and he was too distracted to press the issue
        • Dad called an ambulance for Mom because she has no balance to walk this morning for some reason
          • he lingered after the ambulance left with Mom and tried to fish for info from Little Bear as to why he stayed home
            • seriously? Mom is being rushed to the hospital and you’d rather play this fucking game?
  • Iron Knight seemed to be in good spirits this morning
  • pain not quite as bad this morning
  • worked on blog from 9am to 11:40am
    • scheduled Chaos Rally post for this Friday
      • new frames seem to work very well
  • OT day for Little Bear this afternoon
  • Mom ended up staying the night at the hospital for observation and more tests
    • Dad says they don’t know what the problem is, but they want to make sure it isn’t her heart

Thursday ~ May 16, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 7:30pm night before, up at 5:30am – 10 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 6pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 6pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • loaded baked potato
  • large Dr. Pepper, popcorn, and Twizzlers

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • music lessons cancelled today
    • teacher is busy elsewhere with something else with another school
  • went with Iron Knight to see Pokemon Pikachu Detective in the movie theater
    • highly enjoyable to hear the voice of Deadpool as Pikachu!
  • my vibrator’s battery died and took all night to recharge – seriously, wtf?

Friday ~ May 17, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 6am – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • forgot PM meds

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • chili cornbread casserole

Today’s Feelings

  • turbulent this AM
  • happy this PM

Notes

  • found myself questioning my compatibility with Iron Knight this morning since my libido is naturally higher than his
    • seriously at the moment I feel like I’d be perfectly content spoiling you rotten everywhere else so long as I was completely spoiled in bed exactly the way I wanted when I wanted
      • logically… is this even remotely realistic? no
      • but I do know that I deserve to be loved in the same manner which I express love to others
    • I had also expressed concern that I have been making so much effort to make changes, adjustments, and whatnot in my life to create space for him that there are times that I feel like I am losing myself
      • when he asked for an example, I gave him the switching to vaping and this upset him
        • no, I have never had any true desire to quit smoking – ever
          • anytime I ever tried to quit it was to make someone else happy
          • I switched to the vape entirely due to his asthma – period
            • and yes, there are times I miss smoking a real cigarette fucking hard
              • I love the flavor and the smell and the way it feels
                • I don’t expect anyone to understand
                  • although, if you like to drink maybe you do in a way
    • and again, he became upset about me feeling rejected over no sex during menses
      • hopefully I successfully conveyed to him it’s a big picture issue here
        • on its own, in isolation, it is a little thing but when you look at it with everything else going on with the sex it just becomes one more pain point
          • and with that comes the hormonal shit storm and shame
            • it’s next to impossible to cope with that when you already don’t feel sexy enough for your man when you’re not on your period, so when it hits and he slaps you with that big NOPE the shame spiral from hell begins
        • so yes, I don’t think it would be as bad if my needs were being met more often than not the rest of the time
      • no, this isn’t really about my periods; it’s about me not feeling sexy and desirable enough to be pursued by him on a regular basis
  • ex-father-in-law called to cancel his visit for today and reschedule for tomorrow
    • at least he gave me an actual time for tomorrow
  • watched Brene Brown’s Call to Courage with Iron Knight before dinner
    • dinner didn’t come out the way I expected it to – cornbread didn’t rise at all
    • sex felt emotionally open and tender tonight in a way similar to when we first got back together
      • I didn’t feel like I was performing and I wasn’t focused on the orgasm either – my soul was naked and I was letting him see that
        • I trust in the truth of what I saw there for it echoes the man at the dinner table that gave his honest, but gentle, opinion about the chili casserole: the meat part is really good but the cornbread is not
          • yes, I’m afraid that I’m not good enough for any of this
            • then and now
          • yes, I fear he will choose to leave me for someone more normal – more stable
            • someone that doesn’t hear talking trees, or sees magic in powdery snow, or shies away from grass on their skin, or fear the dark

Saturday ~ May 18, 2019

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 1am, up at 8am – 7 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds forgotten
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • bacon cheese fries and 1 cup of beef stew

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • woke up feeling like last night was a gift
    • Iron Knight had mentioned that I do seem to be better when we are having it
      • I think he’s referring to my mental/emotional wellness
      • and I don’t know why I’m geared this way
        • I just know that if my sex life is non-existent or unhappy, I’m an imbalanced wreck
          • it’s always been like this since the day I lost my virginity
            • no… I was masturbating long before that
  • ex-father-in-law took the boys and I to the local diner for dinner and then took Little Bear to the near-by playground to play
    • it wasn’t terrible
  • tonight was really nice
    • Iron Knight went for a walk after my ex-father-in-law left from his visit
    • we caught Dad watching John Wick on regular TV when we got back and the second movie was right after, so we watched it with him – commercials and all
      • Iron Knight surprised me with wanting sex despite how tired he was
        • I really did expect him to just pass right out after the movie, so I wasn’t planning on asking but he brought it up

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