Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-21

This week has been spent mostly in bed, in pain, and dealing with a ton of anxiety and in retrospect, some paranoia. There are some posts that normally I would have done, but I didn’t get to on time this week: the Emotional Tarot and the Chaos Rally. I apologize for this. Hopefully soon I’ll be back up and running like normal as I should be.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ May 19, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 1 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 8am – 6 hours total
napped 11:30am to 3:30pm

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 11am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ ?pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9:30pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 11pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 choc. chip pancakes
  • 2 plates of spaghetti and salad

Today’s Feelings

  • content
  • disappointed, then heartbroken and much later agitated

Notes

  • beginning to feel like all it does anymore is rain
    • my hips and lower to middle back aches like something awful
    • just want to crawl back into bed with my mini electric blanket and call it a day
      • it kicks out some good heat and helps tone down the pain for me
  • we really couldn’t afford to go out to breakfast this morning but I was craving the pancakes something fierce and I didn’t feel up to making them myself
    • Iron Knight suggested we go as a date, let the boys sleep in, and split the check
      • I felt kind of guilty doing that, but I must say having breakfast without the boys was a nice change of pace
    • just now need to commit to tightening the belt on the wallet is all
      • the windshield on my car needs to be replaced and his car needs to be fixed still
  • just got informed by my parents this morning that my brother is having a birthday party for his son tonight and we’re invited to go
    • thank you for the last minute notice – and of course they (my parents, mind you) expect us to be there
      • because if we don’t, we’re terrible family members
      • who the fuck cares if you have other plans for the day?
        • fuck it, I’m going back to bed until Iron Knight comes back for our Red Dead Redemption II marathon before he goes to his friend’s for Game of Thrones
          • cut short by the party, but whatever, I’m tired
  • the day just got worse…
    • Iron Knight informed me he isn’t coming back tonight just as I was trying to set the stage for a romantic evening
      • A: I found out he just decided this since there had been no hint of this earlier in the day
      • B: he got upset with me for being disappointed
        • tells me that I’m being hypersensitive and he doesn’t like how he feels like he can’t have any space
          • shit fucking escalates because now I feel like I’m not allowed to have my emotions because not once in any of this did I say he couldn’t have space or that he had to change his mind
            • I was only disappointed that he missed my cues for a romantic night and decided that he needed a good night sleep at home
            • and it killed me to hear him say that I’m not his home
              • I’m. not. his. home.
                • this came up because he couldn’t understand why I liked having him sleep next to me every night
                  • and it sucked having to open up and bare my soul to let him know how emotionally attached I have become
                    • I couldn’t even verbalize that I identify him as family
                      • I’m not any of that to him
                        • at all
                          • what the fuck have I done to myself?
                            • this is going to destroy me
        • it ultimately boiled down to him feeling feeling like the bad guy because I was disappointed and he wanted to fix how I felt so he could feel better about himself
          • I told him I don’t need my emotions to be fixed, I just need them to be understood, validated, and supported
            • trying to fix my emotions makes me feel like I’m not a real person – like I’m just a living puppet or doll at your service and disposal
    • and now I’m really scared because I have created all of this space for him, to make a home for him in my life, to adjust myself around him…
      • and I’m fearing very deeply that I have made a mistake
        • I’m building something alone
          • the home I’ve made… he has not claimed as his
            • he tried to take it back, but whatever you say in anger is whatever you’ve been dying to say to that person
              • it comes from somewhere
              • I had to tell him I don’t trust this particular apology
                • if trust were a jar of marbles, they would be spilled on the floor with this one
        • there is no space or home being made for me
          • I’m tired of watching, waiting, attending, chasing, and begging
      • it’s a serious red flag when you find yourself trying to explain how basic empathy works in every fight that involves you defending your emotions
        • my gut is telling me that if something doesn’t change soon, I’m headed into a world of pain
          • I can’t go back, I don’t know how to move forward, but I know I can’t stay like this wondering what the fuck I’m doing here
    • and I worry that he’ll just blow all of this off like it’s no big deal like he has with the other emotional blow outs we have had in the past
      • I’m tired of feeling like I have to pretend nothing happened and that everything is fine
        • it’s actually worse than that, not only was the conversation cut short for the birthday party, I got brushed off later due to Game of Thrones (which was legit because I knew he was going to hang out with his friends for that) and completely ignored after
          • fuck me all to hell for staying up most of the night waiting for him to respond to my message
            • usually he does talk with me for a little while after at least, so I don’t know what I did wrong – if anything

Monday ~ May 20, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 2 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: attempted to sleep 11am to 3pm, but was disrupted a great deal by the family

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 8pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 32oz. Gatorade
  • 3 cheeseburgers on buns with onions, tomatoes, and pickles

Today’s Feelings

  • dispirited and exhausted
  • content

Notes

  • thunderstorm all night last night starting around midnight
  • got no sleep last night, fussing over the fact Iron Knight never responded to my message after the finale episode of Game of Thrones was over and replaying everything that was said yesterday afternoon in my head on repeat
    • he said he would be home around midnight before he headed out, so I tried to wait until then before shooting him a message
      • usually we chat for a bit
      • the last couple of weeks though he’s been coming back over to spend the night, but he decided at the last minute not to this time around
        • I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore
          • I don’t even know if he got home safely
            • what’s worse, when I tried talking about it to a friend to clear my head, the first thing they asked was if I’m sure he isn’t cheating on me
              • that’s the last thing I wanted or needed to hear or worry about
                • I am already worried that he’ll leave me because I’m not normal
              • and it doesn’t help that there’s the whole ancient line of thought, “if he isn’t getting it from you, he’s getting it from someone else,” underlying all of this
                • why else would my friend ask this?
                • it’s something society expects us, as women, to provide for our men
                  • and when it’s lacking it’s our fault
                  • and when they stray it’s our fault
    • my biggest fear?
      • that yet again I love someone more than they love me back
        • when will I ever be good enough?
          • I’m so tired of trying so hard to be enough
            • sure he can say that I don’t have to do it all, but I know that sure as shit that if I stop doing it at best he will get upset or at worst he will bail
  • more bumps this morning and then later this afternoon while talking to Iron Knight but I’m hoping that we can work through this
  • Tuxedo Cat’s ribbon ceremony for regionals today
    • I pulled my ribs there while lifting chairs and in the process of trying to hide my pain, gave Iron Knight the impression that I hated him
      • that took awhile to clear up
        • I’m sick (mentally and emotionally) and it hurt to hear how much of a turn off it is to him to be this way
          • turns out he was just in pain at the thought that I hated him and was turning him away – which isn’t true
            • I just really didn’t want to ruin the ceremony just because I pulled a damn rib while over tired and Little Bear being his hyper self
            • in fact I find it appalling just how much I want to lean on him and depend on him right now
              • it makes me feel weak and useless
          • I’m in desperate need of someone to take care of me and the boys right now
            • I need to get well without having to worry about things going to shit
  • Dad decided to have a BBQ and asked if I would like to be a part of it
    • I told him yes since I didn’t feel up to cooking
    • later that evening Mom started making plans for Memorial Day weekend BBQ and asked what we could contribute
      • I volunteered the pork ribs I have in the freezer
      • she later tried to volunteer me into making fucking cake/brownies
        • I said no and she seemed miffed
        • don’t ask people what they are willing to volunteer and then later try to rope them into other shit
    • Iron Knight showed up in time to join us
      • we played Card Against Humanity with my brother and his wife
  • later in the evening Iron Knight and I watched Zombieland together and shared some quality, creative sexy time that took into account my messed up joints
    • as in oral and sex toys
      • not sure why, but it didn’t feel as emotionally connected as it has in the past – nor did it feel like he was all that interested in making sure I had an orgasm or anything
        • the toy was all over the place and any time it started to feel good and I even remotely indicated that, he moved it somewhere else
          • I ended up finishing myself by myself with next to no interaction with him
            • I don’t think I want to do that ever again
              • it was very isolating and uncomfortable
  • I seriously need to find out who I can see to get everything realigned
    • I’m starting to feel like I’m having a hard time sitting up straight without serious pain

Tuesday ~ May 21, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total
napped 11am to 4pm – 5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • AM meds missed
  • and it looks like I forgot my PM meds too

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee

Today’s Feelings

  • depleted, but content most of the day
  • by evening… contained
    • I don’t have a word for this really

Notes

  • made an appointment to get an eval for hypermobility syndrome
    • deepest gratitude to Piggie for explaining to me what the hell it is that runs in our mother’s side of the family and the steps I need to take to start getting this addressed properly
  • the abortion debate on Facebook alone is becoming a triggering nightmare for me
  • Iron Knight messaged me on Facebook to let me know he has to be to work at 7am tomorrow morning and then began to complain about how sick he was feeling
    • he then asked me if I still wanted him to come over after he went to his friend’s place for enchiladas and finish watching the rest of Cobra Kai season 2
      • why do guys do this when plans were already made earlier?
        • either show up anyway or be upfront and cancel
          • don’t try to flip it into being the other person’s idea to cancel the plans the two of you already made
  • Iron Knight cancelled his evening with me after hanging with his friend at the last minute saying his flu like symptoms have gotten worse
    • I’m beginning to feel that when he asks me if I still want him to come over after we have already made plans, it’s because he’s hoping I will say no
      • he swears this isn’t the case, but knows it would disappoint me
        • so I get the sense it’s an avoidance issue that he waited so long to tell me he was cancelling on me
          • I stayed up waiting for him to show up, so yes… I find this rude as fuck to cancel at the last second the way he did when he could have cancelled hours ago when he first complained about symptoms and asked if I still wanted him to come over
            • it also bothers me a little bit to know that he felt well enough to hang out with his friend, but things got worse when it came time to show up at my place
              • as an isolated incident, it’s no big deal – but added up with everything else going on, it looks bad
                • and not once did I say I didn’t believe him, because I did, but he was quick to accuse me of not believing him
                  • another red flag…
                    • because I had no doubts he was sick until he accused me of not believing him
                    • especially when now that I think about it, he seemed completely fine this morning and then he tried to tell me it was food poisoning and no one else at the BBQ complained of symptoms
                      • food poisoning only hits within the first 24 hours and if it was the food from BBQ it’s unlikely that no one else would have been unaffected
                      • the moment I mentioned no one else was sick, he claimed the flu
      • honestly, I’m not all that disappointed – I expected him to do this
        • I was just hoping he would prove me wrong
          • I’m saddened to be proven correct
            • and then to hear him say something along the lines of, “I didn’t want to call this late because I didn’t want to wake up your parents,” pissed me off a little because my parents were still awake for one and two I knew damn well it had nothing to do with my parents and more to do with not wanting to deal with any fall out with me
              • he spent that entire phone call wanting to hear me say, “I understand you’re sick.”
                • seriously, I had to repeat the words verbatim and the moment I did he was no longer interested in talking on the phone
                  • like at all, he was in a rush to get off the phone at that point
                    • yet another red flag…
  • at what point do I draw the line between my disorders and my intuition and trust the difference between the two with these red flags?
    • it’s a known fact that when someone focuses on and stresses upon you believing them, they are lying to you about something
    • if he doesn’t want to be around me, or even be with me anymore, he should just be upfront and say so
    • and the most troubling thing of all is… this is all happening right when I have zero money and zero food stamps
    • I don’t like feeling this way at all
      • I think it’s time for a long walk in the woods for some serious soul searching and prayer
        • I need to clear my head and sort myself out
          • I mean, the moment I answered the phone and heard him clearing his throat hard and repeatedly as he was telling me why he wasn’t coming over…
            • I could feel myself detach and close up inside a wall
          • he just kept going over and over it as I just listened to him
            • it was just his voice and me trying to breathe
            • all else had drained away
          • he kept saying things like, “Do you understand?” and “I know I disappointed you again.”
            • which made me feel so damn small – like a child
            • why did he keep asking me if I understood?
          • finally I just told him, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
            • when I heard him tell me that he wanted me to say that I understood, I could feel something like a live wire coil up my rib cage
            • even as I said the words, I felt it buzz through me
          • and as the plaguing, echoing thought, “You’re just a puppet,” arose after I said what he needed, an icky sense of uncertainty crept in
          • I felt pretty shutdown as he quickly ended the call after that

Wednesday ~ May 22, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: -1 ~ Energy: -1 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 2 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2:30am, up at 6:30am – 4 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • fuck my meds

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • a handful of sliced cucumbers
  • 1 granny smith apple
  • 2 baked potatoes

Today’s Feelings

  • numb and adrift
  • exhausted by end of the day

Notes

  • I don’t know how to resolve my doubt and insecurity regarding Iron Knight without creating more problems or causing more harm
    • how much is my illness? how much is real? how can I be sure?
      • the way he spoke to me Monday after the ribbon ceremony in response to my experience and feelings at that time was deeply troubling
        • it will never sit well with me when someone is quick to tell me that what I experienced isn’t what happened
          • events that occur are never what I have doubts on
            • I know what happened, that’s not the problem
            • that will never be the problem
            • and if you want me to trust you, don’t ever try to make me question what the fuck happened
              • nothing upsets me more than when I say, “this is how I feel,” and for someone to respond, “that’s not what happened”
                • just full stop: I’m talking about my emotions here, not the damn events and quibbling over the details of those events in an attempt to change how I feel will only make it worse
                  • it tells me that my feelings aren’t important enough to exist and be paid attention to on their own
                  • it tells me that I’m not allowed to name and claim them as my own
                  • it tells me that I’m only allowed to have the feelings you approve
                  • it makes me feel like I’m a living doll rather than a person capable of independent thought
    • I put myself out there this morning and spoke to him about the red flags I’ve been seeing and to test for deception
      • and yes, there are things you can say/ask in a certain way to determine if someone is being deceptive even online
        • body language and voice isn’t required for this, but it does enhance the process
          • this is not a precise art, but it becomes easier the longer you’ve known someone
        • it’s how they say things in response that matters most
          • it’s important to pay attention to the collective whole
            • do not focus on a single detail
          • it needs to be noted that body language is an entirely different set of stuff to pay attention to in addition what’s going on with the voice and along with what’s being said
            • you’re looking for congruence
              • not just in the moment, but in the person as a whole
      • I don’t think he’s trying to trick me, but I do think he has difficulties with being open about shit
        • towards the end the conversation devolved to mostly a one-sided thing, with him using 1-2 word phrase responses
        • and it never fails, just when the conversation starts to get deep and I’m opening up to connect with him in a non-sexual way, that’s when he says he has to leave
          • this will always bother me forever
  • I don’t know, maybe I’m just sick and should have asked for them to schedule a therapy appointment of some kind for me when my therapist cancelled this week
    • I feel like I need a safe place to land and anchor myself right now
      • I don’t know where that is, but I’m tired – so very tired
        • I need to pull back because I know he doesn’t consider me as family at all – I’ve committed too deep and invested too much without the same in return
          • I just can’t keep doing this
            • I’m burning right the fuck out
              • with everything actually
  • Little Bear’s OT
    • he went in with this weird ass funk of an attitude that I expected to go south in a hurry, but he came out very chill and in good spirits
      • one of the activities they had him do was make a mini aromatherapy pillow
        • he used rose, sandalwood, and mint for his – all mixed together
          • it’s pretty potent
        • he stitched it up himself too
        • the therapist and I talked about various ways aromatherapy can be used for him at home since it seems to work so well for him
  • picked up Tuxedo Cat from Special Olympics practice today
    • there’s a parade this coming Monday his team can march in but Tuxedo Cat said he didn’t want to be a part of it
      • he said he didn’t think he could handle it
      • I told him it was perfectly fine to stay home with the family
  • I’m grateful that Iron Knight spent the afternoon until dinner time chatting with me on Facebook to sort out some things
    • also tried reaching out to connect with him emotionally and just kept finding him closed off
      • he keeps saying there is space for me but I feel like this is the equivalent of me going over to his house only to be told to sleep under the tree
        • I’m talking about emotional space here and I don’t feel invited
    • so yeah, I ended up feeling pretty raw and exposed today
      • I don’t think I want to do this anymore

Thursday ~ May 23, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 2A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 6am – 9 hours total
tried to take a nap 1pm to 4pm but it didn’t go so well with all of the interruptions

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 9am
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 11:30am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 4pm
  • peppermint extract on temples @ 6pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • Biofreeze on neck and shoulder @ 7pm
  • 1000mg Tylenol @ 7:20pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • popcorn
  • 1 large bowl of heated shredded wheat with cinnamon sugar

Today’s Feelings

  • exhausted and drained all day

Notes

  • woke up with an aura – skipping my meds yesterday is going to bite me in the ass today fucking hard
    • problem is, I need to get a refill on everything – which I thought I had
  • readjusted my calendar schedule a bit to reflect the reality of my life more
    • music lessons pushes dinner prep to 6:30pm at best, so I may as well make it that time every night to set the routine and expectation for everyone
      • make my life easier in the long run, not to mention removes visual pressure from the calendar when juggling everything
        • why do people insist upon cramming everything?
  • got my meds and Scholar Owl’s meds refilled
    • got some medicine and yogurt for Iron Knight while I was at it
      • this made him very happy when I stopped by and despite him being sick, he was very tender with me
  • I haven’t gotten any writing done for the blog this week I don’t think
    • Tuesday’s post hasn’t gone up yet for the Emotional Tarot series
    • tomorrow’s Chaos Rally still hasn’t been written
  • my mind is a mess, I feel burnt out and stressed as fuck, and I’ve been hit with a migraine today
    • and for whatever reason, Little Bear won’t let me lay down and rest in peace
      • it feels like he’s on speed with speakers set to max volume hooked up
        • on messenger, Iron Knight encouraged me to take a break and get the rest I need
          • honestly, this was similar to the advice Dee gave me earlier this past weekend
            • my mind feels overloaded and sinking too deep into paranoia and anxiety lately
              • why must every spring feel like hell to me?
                • I need to plan ahead better for this yearly mood shift
  • wanted nothing more than to sleep all day but wasn’t able to thanks to the migraine and Little Bear’s antics

Friday ~ May 24, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 1A

Hours of Sleep: bed at 3am, up at 6am – 3 hours total
Little Bear up all night until morning med time, I woke up with a migraine still

Sleep Quality: -1

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 600mg Ibuprofen @ 7:30am

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 3 plates of spaghetti with Alfredo sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • numb and fogged

Notes

  • Little Bear finally passed out this morning at 8am and now I can’t seem to fall asleep, my body and head aches and my mind is restless
    • I desperately need a break
  • wasted the day tinkering on WorldPainter

Saturday ~ May 25, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 9pm night before, up at 5am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 2 cup of coffee
  • popcorn – lots of it

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • woke up feeling dehydrated
  • found Little Bear still awake, playing StarBound
  • loaded the map I made in WorldPaint only to find that its biomes hasn’t been updated to match 1.14 yet
    • ended up just starting a building project on my favorite seed instead
  • Little Bear stayed up the entire day, was crabby because of it, but passed out shortly after his evening meds at least and slept the entire night

3 thoughts on “Toad’s Weekly Assessment 2019-21

    1. Thank you! I did manage to sleep well last night, but I’m still feeling a bit tired this afternoon. I think it’s going to take a bit to get caught back up is all. 🙂

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