Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-24

Started out productive, got rough mid-week, but smoothed out towards the end. Then it crashed. Really need to work on managing emotional flashbacks better.


Mood Score Key:

Sliding Hypomania = 1  ~ Hypomania = 2 ~  Mania = 3  ~  Baseline (My Normal) = 0

Sliding Depression = -1  ~  Depression = -2  ~  Severe Depression = -3 ~ M = Mixed State

Energy Score Key:

Low = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  High = 1

Irritation Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Anxiety Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3

Migraine Score Key:

None = 0  ~  Mild = 1  ~  Moderate = 2  ~  Severe = 3 ~ Extreme = 4 ~ Aura Present = A

Sleep Quality Score Key:

Bad = -1  ~  Normal = 0  ~  Great = 1


Special Notes for the Week

Menses Start Date: ~

Weigh-In at Med Clinic: ~

Chaos Rally


Sunday ~ June 09, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 8pm night before, up at 4:30am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • refilled both vape wells (latte – 30mg) @ 5am
  • set vape stick 1 to recharge @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • set vape stick 2 to recharge @ 2pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 4 cups of coffee
  • 3 cheeseburgers, potato salad

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • worked on blog 6am to 10am
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Two of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Three of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Four of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Five of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Six of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Seven of Swords
  • Little Bear woke up rough, had to give him his PRN
    • lots of screaming over a video game
      • hand-eye coordination game that was very challenging in easy mode
        • even Scholar Owl had a hard time with it
        • no, I didn’t give it a go – I suck hard at those type of games
          • and I didn’t feel the need to get screamed at for failing
            • it’s just a game and took awhile to get him to regulate
              • but I guess seeing Scholar Owl struggle and me blanch at it made him realize there are other ways to cope besides screaming
                • me: accept your limits
                • Owl: use humor to blow steam
  • worked on blog 12:30pm to 4pm
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Eight of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Nine of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Ten of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Page of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Knight of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Knight of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for Queen of Swords
    • scheduled Emotional Tarot for King of Swords
  • scheduled a total of 14 posts today
  • Iron Knight came over to visit
    • he was there for the BBQ, but didn’t watch the “How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World” with us since he hadn’t seen the first two yet
      • he played Red Dead Redemption II instead
    • after the movie, before sex we got into a difficult conversation about my needs and how I accommodate his all the time
      • it didn’t help when he opened up his move for sex with that it helps with sleep… totally did not make me feel wanted or desirable at all
        • made me feel like I’m just another convenience to accommodate
      • and of course he had to mention how the conversation itself was a turn off, which cut me deep to the soul
        • I’m so tired of trying to open up to him emotionally and end up being told that somehow it’s a fucking turn off for him
          • I don’t want to go back to being a fucking robot
            • I need to live, breathe, feel, and emotionally connect with someone
            • I don’t want that soul death – not ever again
              • I’d rather live alone than that

Monday ~ June 10, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm the night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total
napped 1:30pm to 3:30pm – 2 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • set vape stick 1 to recharge @ 7am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 9am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 9am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 9am
  • refilled vape well 2 (latte – 30mg) @ 9am
  • set vape stick 2 to recharge @ 1pm
  • refilled vape well 1 (latte – 30mg) @ 1pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 8pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • cheeseburger and salad

Today’s Feelings

  • crestfallen

Notes

  • Iron Knight claimed this morning that it was a good time to talk, but he had to take his daughter to school – which meant it wasn’t
    • his ex called to talk about their daughter, which meant he ended up talking about that as usual because that’s easier
    • he said my needs are important to him but I told him it doesn’t feel that way when I tell him what my needs are and he responds with push back
      • so no, I don’t feel important at all
      • and no, barely any kind of talking happened, I don’t know why I trusted him enough to try and now I feel like a fucking wreck
    • and when he left, I had no idea if he had plans for coming back tonight
      • pretty sure he said he had plans for Wednesday though
    • I just need and want someone to do for me what I do for them
      • if I’m capable of doing it, that means others are capable as well
  • Little Bear’s IEP meeting went well
    • he’s finally at the end of Kindergarten reading level
    • he’s at grade level math skills
    • next year he will still have a modified school day, but it will be in the afternoon instead
      • he really is more active during the afternoon than he is in the morning
    • we added the goal to transition him to a small lunch group to eat with rather than eating by himself
    • still have the goal to get him to work with one other student in the classroom
      • he’s still not cooperating with this one
    • we added the goal to transition him to a modified recess with a small group of peers rather than no recess or a solo recess
      • again, he’s been challenging with safety concerns and uncooperative with his peers but we’re hoping to eventually socially integrate him
  • yet another birthday party to go to tonight – this time for my nephew
    • no money for a birthday present sadly – this really sucks
    • and as usual, I find out about it at the last minute
  • Iron Knight came over for the evening after the party
    • had a long, difficult conversation the entire evening
      • me asking for change, and him resisting
        • both of us getting upset

Tuesday ~ June 11, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • set vape stick 1 to recharge @ 7am
  • set vape stick 2 to recharge @ 1pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • spaghetti with marinara

Today’s Feelings

  • pensive

Notes

  • I predict that Iron Knight will try to keep things unchanged based on past behavior and the way he talked
    • I feel taken for granted
    • I know he is content with how things are since his needs are met, but I feel the ongoing overall imbalance is unfair
      • most importantly, the broken promise he had made – and is now going back on – upsets me greatly
        • I don’t see at the moment how my needs are even remotely important to him at all
    • I’m tired of the push back
    • I’m tired of begging
    • I’m on the verge of giving up
    • I’m also tired of feeling like any time I do get what I need it’s begrudgingly and a chore to him
      • because of the begging
      • because he didn’t even want to give it in the first place
      • AND hearing how much he DOESN’T like it as he does it
        • might as well not give anything at all
          • seriously, I don’t think he realizes how damaging it is and how much it takes away from it when he does this
            • it’s like stepping on an unwrapped bar of chocolate in front of someone before giving it to them, saying it’s a gift, and expecting them to be pleased
              • but I’m wallowing
    • but seriously, why the fuck come over to “hang out” with someone just to ignore them?
      • if you are that damn tired, why are you coming over?
        • don’t tell me it’s not to make sure you are getting your needs met
          • which is fine, but it goes both ways
            • don’t hint that I’m being selfish for giving with the hopes of getting something in return when mature (as in adult) relationships are a two-way street
  • Therapy Tuesday
    • rough as fuck
      • basically I need to somehow bring up couples therapy with Iron Knight and determine whether or not this is worth sticking out or call it quits
        • the willingness to communicate seems to be in our favor, but the inability to change is against us
  • discovered this afternoon that somehow vape well 2 has debris in it, causing it to burn and make me cough
    • I’m assuming the stuff got in there from my jacket pocket
      • brand new well too, how annoying
  • Iron Knight wasn’t happy to hear what my therapist had to say
    • took quite awhile to get past his auto-contradictory mode in order to just be heard
      • like all the times I have tried to suggest alternatives to sex in order to meet my need for emotional connection, he’s automatically objected and refused
        • “I didn’t realize they were alternatives. I thought they were on top of the sex.”
          • okay, so first I wasn’t being fully paid attention to so that hurts like hell
          • and second, honestly? so what if it was on top of the sex?
            • I didn’t get into that as much as I wanted to, but it rubs me wrong that I’m only allowed to have ONE NEED met when I’m doing all these other things for him
              • I gave up tobacco for him
              • I sleep in the fucking pitch dark for him
              • I don’t just cook for him, but I cook according to his schedule – not mine
              • the activities we do together are typically dictated by his preferences and schedule
          • but I’m the one that is rigid, concrete, and inflexible
          • and what did I ask for?
            • deep conversation, romance, cuddling, kissing, and sex
              • the way he’s been responding I may as well have been asking for the blood of a thousand feral goats
    • he’s completely against therapy of any kind – he thinks this can be fixed without it
      • he claims he’d rather talk to me
        • which would be fine if he didn’t tell me every ten minutes how much he hates doing it as he’s having these conversations
          • which feels like grinding my heart into the pavement
            • the only way I can see how therapists can do this job is by not having an emotional stake or investment in the situation because the moment your heart is in it, you’re fucked – I can see that
      • and is of the opinion that only failed relationships go to couples therapy
        • had to explain to him that couples therapy is also used for room mates, team mates, co-workers, etc. – basically any sort of interpersonal dynamic, not just romantic couples
          • I find it odd that he said this when his mom and step-dad used it to save their relationship
      • AND he’s strongly against going for just himself
        • there’s more going on here than what he’s letting on
    • I did however manage to impress upon him that a relationship is about compromise and mutually meeting each other’s needs and if those needs cannot be met, it doesn’t mean someone is a bad person it just means they are incompatible and they need to go their separate ways in order to find happiness
      • it was at this point he said he would compromise and try harder
        • I’ve been in this exact place before and this dance can only go in one of two ways now…
          • I hope he realizes this is the moment of truth
            • he hasn’t exactly failed the first test, but he hasn’t exactly passed it either

Wednesday ~ June 12, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • set vape stick 1 to recharge @ 7:30am
  • refilled vape well 2 (latte – 30mg) @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • refilled vape well 2 (latte – 30mg) @ 10am
  • refilled vape well 1 (latte – 30mg) @ 10am
  • set vape stick 2 to recharge @ 7:30am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm
  • set vape stick 1 to recharge @ 8pm

Meals

  • 2 cups of coffee
  • 32oz. Gatorade (that Little Bear mostly drank)
  • roast beef and provolone on wheat

Today’s Feelings

  • introspective

Notes

  • Iron Knight seemed lighter this morning, but we are not out of this storm yet
    • I expect sustainable change that is congruent over time
  • something is seriously wrong with vape stick/well 2
    • seems to be leaking and burning now
      • it feels like there is a small crack in the well
    • may have ruined the battery stick as a result
  • Iron Knight surprised me late this morning by re-establishing his promise
    • he claims to understand when I told him trust needs to be rebuilt
      • you can’t make no effort to keep a promise, get angry when someone tries to hold you to it, take it back with the expectation that they will have to be happy with it, and then reset the promise like nothing happened
        • telling me this isn’t who you are doesn’t really fly either because obviously it is since you did it and it’s not the first time I’ve had to hold you to your word
          • you have bitched at me for lecturing to you when I tried to explain why keeping your word was so important and why it didn’t matter whether or not you used the words “I promise” – your word is still your bond and breaking it breaks trust
  • scheduled Emotional Tarot post for the Fool
  • Little Bear fought sleep pretty hard tonight
  • Iron Knight didn’t come over
    • he was driving to and from the airport for his client

Thursday ~ June 13, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at midnight, up at 6am – 6 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • set vape stick 2 to recharge @ 6:45am
  • refilled vape well 1 (latte – 30mg) @ 6:45am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • set vape stick 1 to recharge @ 1pm
  • went back to vape stick 1 @ 6:45pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • 2 cheese burgers on wheat

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • unable to focus on blog, messed around on Minecraft instead
  • last music lesson got cancelled today
  • Iron Knight came over very tired since last night he had to drive to the airport and this morning he had to be at his daughter’s field trip
    • we watched Ralph Breaks the Internet after dinner with Little Bear then went to bed

Friday ~ June 14, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 10pm night before, up at 6am – 8 hours total
second night in a row where I had a vague dream involving someone dragging a chainsaw into the house – woke up before they started it but was able to go back to sleep

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • set vape stick 1 to recharge @ 8am
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 7am
  • set vape stick 2 to recharge @ 12:30pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • roast beef and cheese on wheat
  • 1 plate of spaghetti with meat sauce

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • drove Iron Knight home at 7am – he won’t be back tonight, he’ll be out with friends until tomorrow night I believe
  • both wells are showing signs of junking up now, but well 2 is worse and leaking
    • stick 2 is malfunctioning somehow I think even when I try to switch the wells with it – it doesn’t seem to be charging properly anymore, nor does it seem to be lighting up the coil correctly
      • yes, it’s really upsetting me at this point since money is tight at the moment and the battery stick costs $25
  • first PT appointment
    • went well, it was the evaluation and goal setting appointment
      • she wants to focus on building/creating balance in my body
        • gave me exercises to release the tightness in my calves and maintain alignment in my hips
        • she spotted some weirdness going in my spine, left shoulder blade, and that I have a “rib hump” going on
          • I mentioned the hump to my mom and showed her my bare back, and she saw it too
            • no wonder I have pain
            • hopefully OMT will fix it
  • bought a new, $30 vape kit that has a different type of well than the sticks I have been using
    • the thing has a lot of parts and seals to deal with, but I’m hoping it lives longer than the sticks I’ve been using has
    • the coils for it are separate from the well and come in packs of five for around $20 they said
    • I’m told it takes about 5 hours to charge the battery for this as opposed to the 15mins or so for the sticks, but the booklet it comes with makes a point to say to unplug it as soon as it’s charged so that’s something to pay attention to I guess with all of them?
  • took about 4 hours to charge the new pen and it has a much more intense vapor hit than the older sticks
    • took a bit of a process to figure out how to use it and I think I overfilled it a bit since it leaked a little in the beginning, but it’s good now
      • filled it with the mango fluid since I’m out of the coffee fluid
        • still prefer the mint flavor best
  • I’m now feeling it from all the bending and twisting I did from PT
  • Iron Knight didn’t come over tonight
    • gone to a friend’s to celebrate his friend’s graduation

Saturday ~ June 15, 2019

Daily Draw

Mood: 0 ~ Energy: 0 ~ Irritation: 0 ~ Anxiety: 0 ~ Migraine: 0

Hours of Sleep: bed at 2am, up at 7:30am – 5.5 hours total

Sleep Quality: 0

Exercise Activity: ~ Exercise Time:

Meds Taken

  • 75mg Topamax @ 8am
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 8am
  • 1 multivitamin @ 8am
  • refilled vape pen (mango menthol – 45mg) @ 4pm
  • 75mg Topamax @ 7:30pm
  • 10mg Propranolol @ 7:30pm

Meals

  • 3 cups of coffee
  • MSG free chicken ramen noodles with peanut butter sandwich on wheat

Today’s Feelings

  • content

Notes

  • the new stick really does produce a more potent vapor, I will definitely need to pay attention to the nicotine strength from here on out and make sure not to get anything stronger than 30mg because this is crazy right now
    • not sure if it’s because of the menthol or the nicotine levels, but I don’t like it
  • took Scholar Owl to his friend’s graduation party
  • turns out the graduation celebration Iron Knight went to included the graduation ceremony, the grad party, and a birthday party – an all day event
    • he won’t be coming over tonight like I thought he would be
    • he hit me with an emotional bomb from his ex, asking me to help him sort it out – which I did
      • it was in all of this that I found out the event with his friend as an all day thing, which was not previously disclosed before, and that he wasn’t coming over
        • to be fair, it wasn’t clear whether or not he was coming over – I mostly assumed because this is what he normally does
    • he made a point to say he’s looking forward to seeing me on Father’s Day
      • when he should be spending the day with Tuxedo Cat, not me
        • I don’t even have the money to buy a present – which sucks big time
      • so no, tomorrow isn’t “us” time, tomorrow is “him” time
        • as it should be, given the holiday
          • and I thought I saw somewhere in all that texting he showed me that he was going to have his daughter too?
            • so how can it possibly be “us” time in any of that with all of the kids involved?
    • and then when all of this came out, he abruptly had to go
      • because he’s still at the party
      • right when I felt like shit
      • no apology for treating me like an emotional dumping ground
      • no “I love you”
      • no “thanks for being there for me”
      • and he gets angry with me for calling him out on his behavior
        • I’m feeling invisible
        • and he says he feels like an ass as though it’s my fault
          • don’t want to feel like one? quit dumping your shit on me and running off like it’s no big deal
            • a little love goes a long fucking way
  • to his credit, he logged back in and tried to patch things up
    • but I really didn’t feel like opening up and being vulnerable
    • I’m tired of explaining what feels like basic human empathy and decency to people
    • for the first time since being together, I didn’t feel safe to tell him everything in how I felt today
      • not in the way I missed him last night and how it affected my sleep
      • not in the way I needed a hug and to be held today
      • not in the way it bothers me that I don’t have a word for how I feel knowing he isn’t coming over tonight
        • it’s the same way I felt not seeing my dad in the audience for any of my band concerts, but see him attend every one of my brother’s track events
          • no, I don’t have a word for that – not jealous exactly, but closer to invisible
        • it’s related to seeing him going out with friends so often, not being invited to go with him, and being stuck at home to take care of the boys
          • this is my 24/7 job – no days off, no breaks, no vacations
          • it was like this the last time we dated too
            • he said last time he thought I wasn’t interested
            • this time, there are often excuses as to why I’m not invited – someone might not like me
              • does he realize how painful it is to hear this?
                • what is wrong with me?
                • am I that problematic?
                • if so… why the fuck is he with me?
      • not in the way it bothers me that he doesn’t seem to understand why treating people like an emotional dumping ground is not okay
        • you have to give something back emotionally to even the balance and it rubbed me wrong when he said he doesn’t always have time and he isn’t able to tell when I’m drained
          • no… you don’t wait until the other person is drained to give back, you keep it balanced ALL THE TIME and you should always have time to express love and gratitude
      • not in the way that the honeymoon phase (limerence) for me in now over and with it, the rose-tinted glasses
        • I’m now left to struggle with the reality of what is and to decide if I can accept it in its entirety or to walk away
          • this is the shadowy phase between limerence and attachment few people talk about, but it is normal
            • and many relationships fail at this point since limerence can last 6-12 months
        • and let me just say, it’s a harsh thing to even acknowledge to myself that I am prone to limerence
          • it’s not something I choose to do or even want
          • it’s unsettling to know that this makes me even more at risk for harm from predatory people
          • it makes me feel like it’s not safe for me to date
          • I’m worried that I am becoming attached to someone that isn’t compatible
      • not in the way that I’m am seeking someone who wants to be a committed part of my family
        • for me and my sons
    • so for the second time, I sent him this link and went to bed:

3 thoughts on “Tode’s Weekly Assessment 2019-24

    1. I’m wondering that to be honest. Just last night he went into the whole speech about needing space, which is fine – I get it – but I need him to understand that if he can’t (or won’t) meet me halfway, then I have the right to walk away.

      This bullshit of “I can’t always meet your needs,” when I’m expected to do so all the time is just that. And I got him to acknowledge that last night. That if I were to stop doing all the things that I do for him, he wouldn’t feel as loved, appreciated, or welcomed in my life.

      And then for him to say, “When you harp on me about it, I want to do it less,” and I told him that when I say nothing I still get nothing from you so what’s the difference? If you want fewer of these conversations either meet my needs or I leave. It’s been almost a year of this and I’m tired of it.

      I did NOT get divorced from a toxic relationship with a serial cheating husband just to land myself into another potentially toxic headache. The only difference here is that Iron Knight actually talks to me. It doesn’t devolve into screaming matches or anything other bullshit like that.

      I don’t think he realizes that he has a limited timeline in which to produce sustainable change with this or I’m out the door. We don’t live together. He doesn’t pay any of my bills. So it’s not like he has me “on lock” so to speak the way my ex husband did for eight years. I don’t need him like that.

      I am willing to give him the benefit of a doubt only because of the friendship we’ve had over the years prior to this. No other reason. Anyone else? I would have been gone already. But if he can’t make the change, we’re going back to just friends and if he can’t accept that then we won’t be friends. I don’t know what else to do, but I can’t stay like this.

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